Someone tell me he’s not having the happy time I imagine :(

[UpAndStars]

I know that it’s not good to be bitter and I’m having tons of therapy. I’ve posted before in case anyone jumps on me for this! I had some great support I’m just struggling a lot today and in the lead up to Christmas. Basically my fiancé left me out of the blue, literally one day with me, the next moved out and a text saying he was sorry. I literally walked into a half empty house. I found out a few months later that he’d met someone (live in a small town) and they were pregnant..this happened about a month after he left me and apparently wasn’t planned. I’ve been told through a friend of a friend that he was horrified about it. But when he was born they moved in...which I get, obviously they want to try and make it work. They’ve been living together for 6 months now and to be honest it’s destroyed me. I feel like how could he have walked out on me and now after not even speaking to her for months does he get his happy little family...while I sit here alone with absolutely nobody with me, no happy household no Christmas tree. I know i sound bitter and I am. I’m getting therapy. I just can’t get it out of my head that he’s there in blissful family life after he left me so callously and coldly after 6 years together. I have so many images of him in my old home just having a wonderful time with a ready made family and it’s making me feel a million times worse. Our wedding was supposed to be last weekend too :(

I obsessed like this over an ex too. It physically hurt.

Then it became apparent that she was an alcoholic. He moved out and bad mouthed her to anyone that would listen. It was horrible and I actually said I didn't want to hear anymore as there was an ill woman in the middle of this. Oh and he introduced his kids and moved in with her within a month. He'd moved out by month 2.

Anyway - the point is those photos of cosy nights in and wine glasses by the fire were all just a front. I couldn't have been more wrong about what was going on.

I really feel for you. That was a horrible way for him to leave and I expect that your "imagining their happy family life" is probably more about you trying to come to terms with losing the life you were planning with him.

I think it's totally normal to think they might be having that happy, family life. I'm sure deep down you know they don't. Be more kind to yourself, it's OK to feel like that and time will make it feel better (especially given the significant dates).

If it makes you feel better, my Ex-husband met someone a couple of weeks after we split up, wasn't sure about her but carried on seeing her, moved her in pretty much as soon as I moved out. On the face of it he has the good job, fancy house, happy family and I'm the single parent juggling everything. I'm sure in many ways his life is easier (and possibly happier) than mine. But you know what? I also hear from the kids that they argue (about the same things that used to annoy me about him), I know that despite his high earnings they run out of money most months cos he is crap at planning his finances. I know one of his kids hardly wants to see him. But more importantly, I know I'm happier. I know I have more friends, I'm living rather than existing and I'm doing so much more than I'd have done if I'd stayed.

Make some plans, think of things you've always wanted to do...and go do them BECAUSE YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN.

I just want to commend you OP for your total bravery in admitting exactly how awful this feels. You have been badly hurt and can only imagine a life where you are valueless and they are living in some kind of paradise together. Not true. Been there. My ex moved to London with his next. She was everything I thought I wasn't, a perfect upgrade of me I thought. I was convinced they would win the lottery and live in bliss forever. This was 25 years ago. That same ex contacted me out of the blue some months ago . They had split up within a year of being married and both married someone else. She was now twice divorced and he was married but texting his ex (me) speculatively. Whereas I'm happily married. So the point is, the perfect life you think they're living, it's in your head. There is better to come for you I PROMISE. Lick your wounds, heal, then open yourself up to receive what you really deserve.

As hard as it is you need to stop obsessing and try and move on. He wasn’t right for you and I think you are probably looking through rose coloured glasses. You say his life is blissful where in actual fact he got trapped and tied down to a person he hardly knew and has a newborn. I can’t see the fun in that personally! He isn’t coming back and you need to allow yourself to go out and trust again ( it is possible - I’ve been there!) x

I’d be amazed if they last, children can put a huge strain in relationships.

So sorry op. Its so cruel when people do things like this, I often wonder if they have no conscience. You say they are two roads away, can you move? That will help massively.

I doubt very much they are dancing round the house , whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears , like a scene from a cheesy Hollywood movie .
They are in a very new relationship , trying to navigate the ups and downs that often go with that . Throw into the mix they have an infant , as well as all the challenges that we have all been faced with this year . I sincerely doubt there’s much singing , or very much cuddling or anything else going on in their house .
You have forgotten to add to the recipe that he was a shit person who hadn’t got the guts to face you with how he was feeling but instead moves out with no more they a text . He’s a coward . I pity the poor woman who has saddled herself with him , he’s no catch at all .
I think the issue is you dwelling on it so much . I know it’s a cliche but be good to yourself , meet up with friends ,if you can . Do things that make you happy , the thought of dating may seem a bit premature but don’t completely dismiss it . Maybe a night out with someone new might not be as bad as you think .
Try not to feel jealous , feel grateful that you found out what a weak character he is , before you had DC with him . Chances are, if that’s his nature , the challenge of being a new parent will be too much and he’ll do the same to his current GF. You dodged a bullet .

Enough now OP! This isn't good for your mental health. It's doubtful that they are having the life you describe - with a new baby/sleep deprivation/little couple time/drudge...but even if they were having this fake Facebook life, it's not your problem/business.

You need to focus on you. Live your life. Find joy in things. He's gone. He's not coming back. He was messaging you because of your past but now he's moved on and you need to too. Life is far too short to waste it this way. You. You. You. That's what you need to worry about, love.

natashaadamo.com/is-my-ex-happy-in-his-new-relationship/

I love this woman's advice x

You are understandably hurt. Take time to grieve the loss of this relationship and the future you thought you had.
Don't wish ill on your ex, or that he is miserable too - your happiness should not be contingent on someone else being unhappy. You need to learn to think about yourself and less of them. What do you need right now to be comfortable, to feel more content? Look after yourself.

No offence but nothing about his life sounds perfect to me. The relationship/baby was clearly unexpected and probably put a spanner in his plans. There’s no guarantee he isn’t stressed as fuck, arguing with the partner he just met, barely sleeping due to a newborn etc. I would be happy to be as far away from that as possible.

What he did was terrible and you should have closed the door on him at that point.

The fact you let him back in was not a good move and you mustn’t do that again.

You need some form of counselling to unravel your feelings as they are affecting your life. He won’t be having a great time as nobody does when a baby comes along. It’s like throwing a hand grenade in a relationship.

You need to start taking steps to close this chapter of your life now and start to focus on the future.

I know it sounds like a cliche ,but try to keep as busy as you can.(not easy I know) I think you have a picture perfect image in your head of how you imagined the two of you to be .This is not reality.He is having a child with someone he has only just met .And sleepless nights ,lack of sex, and most likely feeling trapped is the day to day life for him now!At 34 you are most certainly not old ,or anywhere near it! Take Care OP and one day you will be glad you are not stuck with someone this fickle!

Course you're going to be upset and distraught, you dont need to justify it girl.
He wont be having as good of a time as you think, if it really was the fairytale he wouldnt be only just moving in once hes born... that should give you some satisfaction,
and now hes in there.. she'll have 0 attention for him, they hardly know each other and the novelty - if there is some - will wear off soon xxxx

Don't feel down op he's treated you appallingly and he's likely to do it again.

It won't be a lovey dovey, they'll be up to their elbows in dirty nappies, puke, sleepless night, being knackered and skint. Trust me, having a newborn is no fun. I can guarantee that when the novelty wears off for him he's likely to do exactly the same to her as he did to you

Whatever about him, I wonder how his girlfriend is feeling?

After a year of being with DH, I still wasn’t comfortable farting in front of him let alone dealing with maternity pads and leaky tits.

Imagine all of that in a new relationship then the constant fear of him walking out as he did it in his last relationship. I’d feel like a rebound and would be on edge the whole time watching for signs that he’s checked-out and about to leave.

Ugh.

I think in some ways I’ve imagined it to be perfect for him because of the fact he doesn’t know her well. What I mean is he and she will still be on best behaviour won’t they, which should make them breeze through the hard parts. That’s how I see it I guess... that they’ll be being so polite that no arguments or stress will be there like me and him may have had after knowing each other so long.

Its just so rubbish and I feel like I will always be alone. I’ve dipped my toe back into online dating and didn’t see anyone I liked.

I met my ex and was pregnant within 4 months. It lasted a few years but we did limp through the last few tbh. I'd have left him years ago if it hadn't have been for my dd

I know it doesn’t make a difference if he is happy or not but in a horrible way (and I know it’s horrible), it makes me feel better to try and dismantle the images I have of this happy family life that he’s suddenly got out of nowhere

My ex ran off with Miss Perfect. In fact she was Mrs. Perfect and he broke up her marriage. He then quickly realised that she wasn't what he wanted and he asked to come back. I told him to bugger off and he went back to her. Within six months he had moved out into a renter on his own.

Their relationship looked like the one you describe OP but you have to look at the bald facts. They hardly know each other. There is the added pressure of having the child (that you know he actually didn't want) and the pressure of her probably knowing that he didn't want to be a father at that stage. She may have trapped him. He may always resent this.

Their situation does NOT scream bliss to me. It's possibly the polar opposite. You have to just wait for vindication.

With me, vindication came when a friend of ex told me he was speaking to Lil Miss Perfect like she was something he had scraped off his boot. I was surprised at this for a host of reasons but I admit to feeling validated and relieved. Not my finest hour but hey, I'm human and was so hurt by his treatment of me.

You need to find a way to move past this. Maybe get some counselling? Do whatever it takes to get your head up. Fake it till you make it. The chances of their family life being all lovely is very very unlikely indeed. Your enemy is your imagination here. If you have a way to find out more, take it. It will help you get perspective.

I just can’t get my head around how he could have been with me for so long, tried to get me back and started texting and meeting me...to then jump into a full on relationship living with someone like a happy family. How does someone even do that. It makes me feel like he’s perfect just by managing to get on with it all and she’s so smiley and seems easy going that I just feel like he must have it all on a plate. How else would someone be able to jump into a relationship like that. It’s been six months and last I heard they’re still living together so it can’t be that bad can it

How else would someone be able to jump into a relationship like that.

Who cares? It’s just life. He’s not magically fallen in love and achieved all his dreams - he’s just making a go of it for the sake of his child. He’s just being an adult and getting on with life instead of dwelling. It’s probably not even a life goal of his to have a family to the same extent that it is yours.

Honestly I think you should talk this through with a therapist

I am doing @ScalpHelp it just helps to post as I’m not having everyday therapy and some days I find particularly hard

I read a really good post on here. I'll see if I can find it, but basically do nothing. Every time you feel the heat and anger rising you have an urge to do 'something' but it's rarely helpful. So looking on social media or listening to a shared song are all directing energy the wrong way.

It is terrifically hard. But when you're going through hell, just keep going.

I think I just always conclude it must be wonderful if they’re still living together 6 months later. It feels unfair and I know that’s just life but imagining him in utter bliss when he’s done this is shit.