Someone tell me he’s not having the happy time I imagine :(

[UpAndStars]

I know that it’s not good to be bitter and I’m having tons of therapy. I’ve posted before in case anyone jumps on me for this! I had some great support I’m just struggling a lot today and in the lead up to Christmas. Basically my fiancé left me out of the blue, literally one day with me, the next moved out and a text saying he was sorry. I literally walked into a half empty house. I found out a few months later that he’d met someone (live in a small town) and they were pregnant..this happened about a month after he left me and apparently wasn’t planned. I’ve been told through a friend of a friend that he was horrified about it. But when he was born they moved in...which I get, obviously they want to try and make it work. They’ve been living together for 6 months now and to be honest it’s destroyed me. I feel like how could he have walked out on me and now after not even speaking to her for months does he get his happy little family...while I sit here alone with absolutely nobody with me, no happy household no Christmas tree. I know i sound bitter and I am. I’m getting therapy. I just can’t get it out of my head that he’s there in blissful family life after he left me so callously and coldly after 6 years together. I have so many images of him in my old home just having a wonderful time with a ready made family and it’s making me feel a million times worse. Our wedding was supposed to be last weekend too :(

OP, so sorry this has happened to you. Not sure whether you saw this recent thread but you might like it:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4100131-So-the-the-grass-belonging-to-the-OW-wasnt-really-greener-then-was-it?

...it did get a bit hijacked in places but lots of heartwarming stories of glorious karma at work

Karma isn't real. She wasn't the other woman and while he didn't treat you well, it seems he didn't cheat and is actually allowed to leave. Basing your happiness on theirs, or lack of, especially when you mostly are only going on fakebook images is never going to work or be a healthy way to live. Accept what you've been told on here about the reality of life with a baby, revel in the advantages of being child free and single. Make a positive effort to do that every day. Please don't hang around waiting for karma.

As others have said a baby is far far from a blissful experience. It's tiring, stressful, you snip at each other because your knackered and just want a few minutes peace to yourself.

Yes you get smiles from baby in between etc but this idea that it's a blissful life is very far from reality.

You need to work on yourself and be happy as you.

Crikey, that would be pretty hard for anyone to deal with so I'd say your feelings are pretty valid. I really feel for you.

I think there are two ways of looking at it...

1. You can view them as the cosy little family that should have been you. All soft focus, him being the loving father, her the perfect mother, everything going amazingly perfect in an instagram stylee. Meanwhile you are home and alone chain smoking and drinking wine out of the bottle like Bridget Jones doomed never to meet anyone ever again.

1. You can take the perspective that you really have had a lucky escape. He's a flake who bailed on you twice and has shown you his true colours. You're very glad he did this ahead of the wedding and not when you are married with 2.4 children and a dog. You're still young enough to meet someone else, marry and have children (or even just have a great life!).

My XP was pretty awful and I wasn't in a very good place when we split. I did manage to turn my thinking around and DH popped up when I was 35. We got married when I was 37. He is seriously the best bloody thing that happened to me. I now drive past XP's and laugh about the tears I cried over him. I also pity whoever he is with now. He was such a catch!

Dust yourself off and look for the positive in this situation. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it's not always clear at the time.

I know I need to focus on other stuff. I do know that and I’m working on that in therapy. Just needed a place for a reality check I guess. Right now feeling like he’s not in total bliss makes things seem easier to cope with and it’s so hard when I think of them cuddled up planning a future and decorating a tree and just suddenly being madly in love. It’s hard to think of and difficult not to this time of year.

You've posted about this before. I'm sorry you're still hurting.

I'm hollow laughing at anyone being happy with a 6 month old with someone they don't know know very well. I can assure you, it's not a complete walk in the park. It isn't a walk in the park at all. It'll be more like walking down an unlit country lane scattered with dog shit.

Anyway, you need to think about you. Wishing him to be unhappy isn't helping you. It's like drinking poison and expecting him to get ill.

Take the chance to do what you like, what you enjoy and make the most of your freedom

You're young and will meet the right person, not a cowardly prick who hasn't got enough about him to dump you face to face.

You're worth a thousand of him.

Ah you do sound like a broken record but that's what he has done to you with his awful behaviour, you have my every sympathy I would be the same I am sure. I think it's particularly hard as you have been left wondering if he would have come back to you if she hadn't "accidentally" got pregnant. However, someone that could move out like that and end things by text would never be trusted again. Honestly, one day you will be glad he is not your problem. The chance of him currently living this ecstatic family life you are imagining is zero so please try and put it out of your head.
Unfortunately I think the only way you are going to feel better is meeting someone else and looking forward and not backwards. Play the long game and you will win.

I think you need to try and let this go - so that you can concentrate on you and your life going forwards. Try to let it go so it just doesn’t matter to you anymore whether they are miserable, happy or somewhere in between. So these negative thoughts are not weighing you down and stopping you from finding happiness. I find meditation a really good way to find peace from negative spiralling thoughts - there are lots of good meditation apps and I suggest you try one to get some peace and space from this over-thinking. Meditating for 5 or 10 minutes a day can make a huge difference over time.

You are putting the best spin on it for them. It's very unlikely that is the reality. The truth is, you could never trust him so try not to mourn what you perceive you have lost.

Your feelings will fade in time. Use this time to take care of yourself, eat properly, get some exercise, lots of little things that will make you feel a bit better. It will all add up.

Agree to the meditating and journalling suggestion....

It’s bound to be hard to deal with OP especially at this time of year. And I think it’s perfectly reasonable to feel sad, angry and hurt and everything else you are feeling.

Im 11 years on from my ex doing one bloody great number on me which left me homeless and in debt. I still absolutely hate him and hope he’s fucking miserable (by the sounds of it he isn’t miserable). I absolutely hate him for what he did to me and DC. The thing is to not let it stop you living your Life and taking away your hope. You will get over this and these feelings will not hold as much power over you as time passes. I now think of my ex with a sneer and feel glad he isn’t in my life. But the first year or two can be really awful. And that’s ok. Imagining them in some sort of blissful haven of wonderfulness is torturing yourself so I’d try find some way to distract your mind from focussing on this image. It’s highly unlikely to be true. You will be ok OP. Give yourself some time.

He bailed out because he didn't want to be married. Still doesn't. He's distracted himself with a new partner. She's distracted herself (from him) with a new baby.

You might just be remarking on your karma story by this time next year. A PP advised you to play the long game. Good advice.

He's coming across as a man-child who loves drama. Don't worry he'll treat her just like he treated you.

A very very long time ago, something similar happened to me. No date set for wedding but we were living together and suddenly I discovered while on a job away from home he had married someone else. She even had the cheek to write and ask me to move out as she'd heard our flat was so lovely and she wanted to start their married life there. At the time I was crushed, and tbh it took me years to regain confidence.

But I am so so glad I didn't end up with that horrible, conceited man. I met DH about three years later. He is so lovely, such a brilliant dad, such a romantic, reliable bear of a man who still makes me laugh everyday after 27 years together.

A few years after they married, I bumped into her. She'd been a professional ballet dancer when they met. (Imagine how bad I felt in comparison) She'd put on loads of weight, had a stinking cold and was working in a desk job she clearly hated. I tried hard not to feel happy at how miserable she seemed, but I did get a bit of karma pleasure from it. I don't think they are still together.

OP - cut yourself some slack. The date of the wedding and Christmas were always going to be hard, and of course Covid / lockdown has meant we are all left to stew in our own thoughts a bit more. Have a good mope and cry but set yourself a deadline when you are going to stop.

A long time ago I was also engaged to someone and had been with him for 6 years. He finished with me in a really cruel and heartless way and I remember that being the most difficult thing to forgive / deal with. I understood him not wanting to continue the relationship, but thought he would care enough about me to be kind - I got that wrong. But as time went by I reflected that he was actually very selfish in lots of ways. I am so glad now that we didn’t get married.

I’m glad you are getting some therapy. Make next year about you and no one else. We have no idea if your ex is ecstatically happy or downright miserable and it doesn’t matter. Living well is the best revenge - always.

Totally understandable feelings on your part, but remember this: him being miserable won't actually make you happy, it will only make you feel vindicated. And vindicated isn't really any better for you than the hurt and bitter position you are in now, because it's still all about him.

The only way to get to a healthy place is to separate your feelings, good or bad, from him. It'll take time to get there but, honestly, only madness lies ahead if you stay too long on the path of worrying about how happy he might/might not be.

I was wondering how you are OP?