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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Someone tell me he’s not having the happy time I imagine :(

143 replies

UpAndStars · 15/12/2020 18:53

I know that it’s not good to be bitter and I’m having tons of therapy. I’ve posted before in case anyone jumps on me for this! I had some great support I’m just struggling a lot today and in the lead up to Christmas. Basically my fiancé left me out of the blue, literally one day with me, the next moved out and a text saying he was sorry. I literally walked into a half empty house. I found out a few months later that he’d met someone (live in a small town) and they were pregnant..this happened about a month after he left me and apparently wasn’t planned. I’ve been told through a friend of a friend that he was horrified about it. But when he was born they moved in...which I get, obviously they want to try and make it work. They’ve been living together for 6 months now and to be honest it’s destroyed me. I feel like how could he have walked out on me and now after not even speaking to her for months does he get his happy little family...while I sit here alone with absolutely nobody with me, no happy household no Christmas tree. I know i sound bitter and I am. I’m getting therapy. I just can’t get it out of my head that he’s there in blissful family life after he left me so callously and coldly after 6 years together. I have so many images of him in my old home just having a wonderful time with a ready made family and it’s making me feel a million times worse. Our wedding was supposed to be last weekend too :(

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 15/12/2020 19:37

I am so sorry you are going through this .The trouble is when you meet fairly young(Think Ive got this right?) then you change so much during your 20s .My Friends Sister was engaged ,and found out her Fiancee was cheating on her with her so called "Bestie" FFS! Sis was unhappy for a while obv ,but met another friends dear bro .Realised he was much nicer ,kinder ,and with a better job to boot! Fast forward 5 years they are married and waiting for DD2 any day now!

Original poster
UpAndStars · 15/12/2020 19:39

I’m not young I’m 34. I feel like I have no future with anyone now at this age. 35 in feb.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2020 19:41

34/35 is young, believe me.

Longtalljosie · 15/12/2020 19:48

It doesn’t feel like it when you’re starting again, I’m sure. OP there’s no easy way to get over this but you must try.

DontAskForMedicalAdviceOnMars · 15/12/2020 19:50

He left me and now has is happy family straight away

I know someone who’s DH left her. Within a month he was with someone & she accidentally became pregnant. My friend was devastated at the time but now she gleefully laughs about how miserable he is whilst she has a wonderful new husband and a very happy life. You will recover op and this pain will soon be a distant memory Flowers

aeiouaeiouaeiou · 15/12/2020 19:54

I read this and immediately thought of you

Someone tell me he’s not having the happy time I imagine :(
Original poster
UpAndStars · 15/12/2020 19:54

I’ve seen photos of her and she looks nice. Probably easy to get on with and the sort of person who would find it all a breeze to cope with. He seems to have got it all.

OP posts:
crosshatching · 15/12/2020 19:55

You will be wanted and loved again, and you will want and love someone again.
But it's time to turn your gaze forward not backwards now. The life you planned isn't happening, at least right now. So what shape is your life going to take next?
Time will heal how you feel, and whatever condition he's living in won't have any effect on you at all. But you can help it along.

What kind of therapy are you having? Perhaps some CBT might be good? Training yourself not to think of him and his life will be difficult but it would really help you disengage from the pain and move forward for yourself.

I hope I don't sound like I'm scolding you, I wish you all the best.

unlikelytobe · 15/12/2020 19:57

You have plenty of time to meet someone new who will treat you so much better. However, do not spend too much energy on mourning the loss of this man. He treated you shabbily and moved on very quickly so that is bound to hurt. I doubt all is roses and rainbows at his house.

Force yourself to think positive and make some nice plans for Xmas and 2021.Flowers

babbaloushka · 15/12/2020 20:15

OP, having a newborn is very rarely the oasis people pretend it is online. As PP have said, he will be tired, grumpy and having 0 sex during what should be the honeymoon period of their relationship. You will move on and do better, someone who can be so fickle wouldn't be someone you could trust to start a family with.

Jonnywishbone · 15/12/2020 20:24

Life is complicated and not always fair. He got into a relationship very very quickly which led to pregnancy he has no time to build a relationship with his new partner before the hard work of looking after a new born comes along. That isn't a fairy tale, that is extremely hard. A lot of relationships fail at that stage. He probably isn't entirely happy, he doesn't have exactly what he wanted, no one wants to bring a child into an unstable immature relationship.

Feel better? Would you like to be his new partner, worrying about you round the corner, the woman he spent 6 year with and who he got back together with once before.

justanotherneighinparadise · 15/12/2020 20:27

I will make a prediction. You’ll start dating. Meet someone you like and suddenly he’ll start trying to communicate with you again. DO NOT allow him to worm his way back at that point.

Regretsy · 15/12/2020 20:29

I know this is totally besides the point but get your own Christmas tree, and decorate it exactly how you want. This year is the first time I’ve done it. I’ve made it all sparkly and pink.I currently live alone most of the time so wasn’t going to bother but so glad I did! Love yourself!

OhDearMuriel · 15/12/2020 20:29

He dumped you by text after 6 years and you came home to find a half empty house!! What a charmer.

One day you will acknowledge that you are far better off without such a weak lily livered excuse of a man.

Don't believe he has everything - in reality it can be the complete opposite. He didn't know her very well before the baby came along and it can be utterly relentless having a baby with lots of sleep deprivation. The dynamics of all relationships change and a lot of people do not survive the pressures it brings.

It's okay to grieve and so you should, but make sure you don't let it become your favourite subject for too long. You are much better off without him - you've just got to keep telling your head that.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 15/12/2020 20:31

Flowers a handhold and a socially distanced unmumsnetty hug.

It hurts.
My dcs dad ended our 9 year relationship, claiming (among other things) that it wasn't fair for us to stay together as I wanted more dc and he didn't. He's now married with 2 step DC and 3 more DC.

Then my more recent ex ended things after 2.5 years because he didn't want a family, and apparently hated my dc. Less than a year later he was living with someone with a small child and she's pregnant. Sometimes I tell myself he won't have planned the baby (unless he had a personality transplant) and he'll leave her as well. Then I tell myself that's cruel and unfair to her. but it cheers me up

Life really fucking sucks sometimes!

I know its a cliché, but time is a healer.

MrsGlitterSparklesHun · 15/12/2020 20:49

Wow, this is awful. So sorry you're going through this. I've gone through similar but not this bad and nothing anyone said helped me. I imagined so many scenarios in my head and tortured myself for months and months and to be honest the only thing that helped was when I saw that he wasn't as happy as I had convinced myself and I then kicked myself for wasting so much time idealising and romanticising. Christmas just magnifies all the feelings. The only thing to hold onto is that how he left was a crap way to treat you and hopefully in time, you'll end up happier than you ever were with him and even be grateful that everything played out as it did.

Original poster
UpAndStars · 15/12/2020 20:50

I know rationally that he was a dick for leaving in the way he did and then also a dick for contacting me and saying he wanted to be with me whilst also having been with someone else. I do know it and I try to cling onto that.

It’s just this picture in my head of them dancing round the house and sharing kisses and affection and being in a total blissful family home. I know it’s in my head but I can’t imagine it any differently really and it hurts a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
UpAndStars · 15/12/2020 20:52

@MrsGlitterSparklesHun I think that’s the thing...if I knew he wasn’t having a perfectly wonderful time I would be able to leave it alone. I know it’s irrelevant really what’s going on with him and it’s not nice of me to feel like this but I just do.

OP posts:
HappySonHappyMum · 15/12/2020 21:00

In the nicest possible way - you need to give your head a wobble! They've got a newborn baby - so they're probably sleep deprived, they'll be getting very little sex as It'll just be a fog of exhaustion until the child is about two. Covid probably means they're short of money because everyone is and they probably don't want the baby to get it so they'll be restricting what they do. The mother will be doubtful of her relationship because of the way it started and she probably thinks your ex is only with her because of the baby. Your ex was contacting you when they were first together so she's probably right and he'll be off when he realises that he doesn't fancy playing happy families anymore. I don't remember dancing round the house sharing kisses and affection with a newborn it was more about survival of the fittest and navigating the bomb site that was my home as there wasn't enough time to get anything done! Stop focusing on them, focus on you. You can't change him but you can change what you do.

TonMoulin · 15/12/2020 21:01

@UpAndStars

I’ve seen photos of her and she looks nice. Probably easy to get on with and the sort of person who would find it all a breeze to cope with. He seems to have got it all.
Sorry @UpAndStars, but you really can’t say that from a picture. Ok she is looking nice and approachable.

But they’ve just had a child after becoming gp by accident. They’ve moved in together because of the child.
It REALLY isnt the best circumstances to start a relationship, esp not one that lasts. The fact he was contacting you whilst he was going out with her already tells you a lot of where he was at that time. And it wasn’t being fully committed to her.

So, from my far away pov of view, it looks like a recipe for disaster rather than an all blissful they will be happy forever after situation.

bebarkered · 15/12/2020 21:18

I appreciate that you are going through a terrible time OP, but, things will definitely get better, believe me on that.
Do you know that it doesn't matter what he's doing, you're the only person that matters! YOU are THE most important person in your life. You don't need that tosser to be happy. Find happiness in yourself and your own company love X

forumdonkey · 15/12/2020 21:45

My mantra is you'll never find Mr Right while you're with Mr Wrong ( including your Mr wrong taking up your mind and not being open to someone better)

If you put something in the bin you don't go back and keep looking at it.

You're a strong kick ass woman who has got a new start with exciting adventures, times and experiences waiting for you. New year, new you. Grab life by the balls and give it a good kick

MrsGlitterSparklesHun · 15/12/2020 21:51

Yeah its awful. I remember looking through pictures of her and comparing myself to her etc and picturing how they would be, but as awful as it sounds, I then tried finding faults with her. I think that says more about me as a person and she could have been lovely, but I tried to tarnish the perfect image like 'oh she doesn't like x, he will hate that', it sounds a bit obsessive writing it out, but you gotta do what you gotta do in the moment to make yourself feel better and get through the day! And no-one is perfect and no-one has a perfect life so take comfort in that. The classic 'time is a healer' is very true though. No-one ever says how much time though and I guess it differs, but months and months later I still felt crap ha. Time is a sloooooow healer. Best thing I got told was to just feel how you feel. Don't beat yourself up for feeling bad or for not moving on as quickly as you think you should. If you want to cry and torture yourself looking through things, allow yourself to, but the next day make sure you try to pick yourself up and focus on yourself. I found it easier to deal with that way.

Original poster
UpAndStars · 15/12/2020 21:59

Thanks so much. Argh it’s just so hard not to think of them in love and happy. I think if I knew they’d even had just one row then I would be able to draw a line under it...it’s the not knowing and concluding that it’s perfect that’s so hard.

OP posts:
helpmum2003 · 15/12/2020 22:12

OP I agree with previous posters that a blissful family life shortly after having first child is unlikely, especially when the relationship is so new.
We'd been together 7 years, had a baby who slept well and still struggled.... It's tough.