Someone tell me he’s not having the happy time I imagine :(

[UpAndStars]

I know that it’s not good to be bitter and I’m having tons of therapy. I’ve posted before in case anyone jumps on me for this! I had some great support I’m just struggling a lot today and in the lead up to Christmas. Basically my fiancé left me out of the blue, literally one day with me, the next moved out and a text saying he was sorry. I literally walked into a half empty house. I found out a few months later that he’d met someone (live in a small town) and they were pregnant..this happened about a month after he left me and apparently wasn’t planned. I’ve been told through a friend of a friend that he was horrified about it. But when he was born they moved in...which I get, obviously they want to try and make it work. They’ve been living together for 6 months now and to be honest it’s destroyed me. I feel like how could he have walked out on me and now after not even speaking to her for months does he get his happy little family...while I sit here alone with absolutely nobody with me, no happy household no Christmas tree. I know i sound bitter and I am. I’m getting therapy. I just can’t get it out of my head that he’s there in blissful family life after he left me so callously and coldly after 6 years together. I have so many images of him in my old home just having a wonderful time with a ready made family and it’s making me feel a million times worse. Our wedding was supposed to be last weekend too :(

fwiw I imagined similar when my ex broke up with me more or less out of nowhere after 6 years together and VERY quickly (he still maintains there was no overlap.........) got together with someone else. She actually looked a lot like me lol but seemed more creative, more outgoing, more into his hobbies, wanted to have a family soon whereas I didn't (I should perhaps add that he told me at first he wasn't at all bothered about having kids and then flip-flopped on that idea few times) and so on and so on. He was very cold to me and I definitely felt he thought he had had an upgrade and was convinced they would be so happy. At the time I was devastated.

Turns out she cheated on him two or three times and told him it was because she only saw him as a brother. When they broke up he couldn't afford their house on his own and had to sell his car and go and live back home with his toxic mother. Also all his long-term friends sided with her and he ended up with nobody. I make no apologies for saying I felt positively gleeful when I heard this! You truly never know what goes on behind closed doors. A few years on and I've met someone who is anyway a MUCH better fit for me and truly makes me feel valued and loved every day in ways my ex didn't even do in retrospect. I know this is of no use to you now as when you are in the thick of it you can only think negatively, but I really have been there. I hope things work out for you.

He was a coward for the text and stringing you along.
I met DH when he was 28. He had been with his ex for eight years. They didn’t live together and I didn’t know her but I had known DH for many years because he was close friends with my best friend.
We met only two months after they split on a random night out and started seeing each other. She may or may not have thought there was a crossover but one of my first questions to DH was to ask if he was single. I think he and his ex simply outgrew each other. He barely ever mentioned her.
You can create scenarios and you may be correct but in our case we were engaged three months later and married six months after that. 26 years and 3 children later I wouldn’t change a thing.
Block him on everything and move on. You’re torturing yourself by wondering what is happening in his life.

They have a child together. If the new woman posted we'd probably be applauding him for sticking around and trying to make a family. OP, it sucks. You feel like you 'wasted' those years and the future you thought was nailed down is gone. He's a twat but you know that. The fact is none of us, including you know what their relationship is like and the point is IT DOESN'T MATTER. They could be the perfect family, they could be an average couple struggling with a newborn, they could be feeling massively trapped and desperate to make it work. None of it should impact on you. The Mecca of 'Meh' is what you need. My ex left me and 2 dcs for ow. They are now married. I assume they're happy but I genuinely rarely give it a thought since he revealed himself to be such a spineless cowardly waste of space. Aim for that. Buy a tree, your favourite food and drink, new pj's, indulge exactly how you want to and list the positives. You'll likely meet someone else but if not, there are many many happy things about singled on and it doesn't rule out kids either. Ignore them.

New baby does not equal utter bliss in my experience. It equals utter chaos, no sleep and loads of stress.

You think he's living in bliss... He's probably livig in hell. His new partner may well habve tricked him with the pregnancy, and in a few months time there will sleepless nights because of the crying baby. Since a change causes stress, the baby will put a strain on their new relation. Be glad you're rid. He's treated you unfairly and you deserve better.

I’m trying my best to ignore it it’s just so hard this time of year. I can’t get the image out of my head of them dancing round the tree and snuggling under a blanket and planning an amazing future. I have no experience of a child like that so I literally just think of it being absolute bliss and nothing else.

You cannot change anything here except your mindset. He will continue to keep doing whatever he is doing. But you don't have to continue to make yourself upset about it. And lets be clear, it is now you who is making you upset, not him. He's completed his 'upsetting you' course of action. Very shitty behaviour of him. Not forgivable.

But not worth giving up your time for. He hurt you, and you have needed time to heal. Stop beating yourself up about being bitter or needing therapy; there's nothing wrong with you. He treated you appallingly, and now your emotional apple-cart is upset. That's what happens to sane, psychologically healthy people, when unpleasant people cross their perfectly reasonable emotional boundaries. And he has trampled your boundaries. The utmost in disrespect.

If you can't forget, then you can do 2 things: 1) allow yourself your emotions, and respect them. You're angry? Fucking swear a bastarding lot for as many arse wanky fucking twat days as you need to. You're sad? Cry. Mope. Sigh heavily with your head down. You feel bitter? Imagine all the horrid things you would like to happen to him. Drop an imaginary anvil through his roof. Imagine hiring someone to remove one of his eyes with a spoon, and you getting off scott free. Run him over in your imaginary car. TWICE.

Emotions happen. They can be shocking and startling and sometimes quite funny when they get dramatic. Allow them. Allow yourself the luxury of having them. Write them down so that they feel expressed. It will soothe them to know they are not being ignored.

The other thing is to imagine your favourite 'bold' character. Bette Lynch off Coronation Street, or Angelina Jolie, or your Mum. When you respond to painful thoughts, imagine how your bold character would respond. You don't have to respond in the same way, but just imagine what they would do. 'No, I'm not going back to him, because he treated me poorly. Even if he is Brad Pitt.' That sort of thing. It will begin a process of responding to things differently, and allowing you to move on.

After all, you don't want to still be feeling this way when the boy goes off to university. Do you?

What an awful man. Men who do this - walking out, text to inform you - are likely to do it again because they have no loyalty. I'm not entirely convinced he didn't know her already and you're being spun a story by someone as it all sounds a bit too calculated on his part.

But its very odd for her to get pregnant so quickly and means they haven't had any fun as a couple without children. That is their life now and for the foreseeable future. They will never just be boyfriend and girlfriend, they will be parents. I wouldn't feel secure if I were her as he is clearly the type that walks out on women. A man who does that and then does'nt use contraception and gets a woman he has just started seeing pregnant is not a catch. Imagine if he'd done it after having children with you!

You should really pity him for being such an awful human being and her for being tied to him but in such a vulnerable position.

I think he would've dumped you again (after getting back in contact) ... even if one of his partners (presuming there was more than one) hadn't fallen pregnant.

He planned to leave, ended your ltr with a text and left. He was clearly out enjoying his freedom, hooking up, probably doing do without condoms.

You think.him getting back in touch was a sign he was going to get back into a relationship with you (and it was going to beall secure and perfect) but the fact that he ended you'd relationship, quite brutally at that, moved on quickly etc. makes me think you're deluding yourself.

Occasionally people do get back together after a break up, but the way he ended it, the way he behaved .... I think he was more likely to be one of the ones with whom him ending it means the relationship was going to end sooner or later; he was just going to mess you about for as long as you let him or until he met someone he got involved with.

So, as unpleasant as it is to hear, whether his relationship works out with this woman he knocked up or not .... Doesn't actually matter at all. I don't think it was her or you .. I think you'd have been dumped again (or never gotten back together again properly/officially).

Are you depressed; you seem to be so excessively negative about your own prospects of a relationship with someone else ... And so excessively idealising of him and of his new relationship.
You seem to have convinced yourself that he was your only chance ... You're only 34/35. He isn't.

The longer you spend focusing in him, wailing, wallowing in this .. the longer you're wasting to make new connections, meet new people, expand and change your social life, the circles you move in (not super easy under current circumstances but ..), one of which could lead to meeting a partner.

Turn it around; what would your impression be about a guy who was going on like this about his ex gf who's gotten knocked up by one if her partners after him?

Would it be an attractive impression?
A stable Impression?

It's great that you're having counselling, do you think it's really helping?

This guy walked out of a late with you, turned his back on it, and was ok with taking the chance that you wouldn't have him back, that you would move onto someone else .... Was he back begging, saying he'd made a mistake quickly ... No.

I think he'd have done it again if you'd even ever gotten properly back together.

I think he'd always have known that he could do something like that to you and you'd take it, and take him back. . You'd always have been wondering if and when he'd do it again.

He wasn't committed to the relationship, he clearly had massive doubts it was the relationship for him to settle in. That was before he got that woman pregnant.

(And if he was so committed to your previous, serious ltr, he would've said to her "I'm getting back with my ex, I'll support you and pay etc but I shouldn't have broken up with her". He didn't have the feelings or certainty to do that).

You need to stop thinking about him and then, you need to process things bit beyond a certain point it is not healthy for you.

He left you: your feelings and wishes were no longer reciprocated. sad and painful. What he’s now doing doesn’t matter, really: your relationship with him is over.

I experienced similar, although my then DP had (it later turned out) been having an emotional affair with a ‘friend’ he soon started dating and later married.

For some months after the breakup I hoped he’d change his mind and turn up. No contact helped. Friends encouraged me to see that it was over and that even if he returned he’d be a very poor bet for the long term and it’d be difficult to trust him. In retrospect they were right and there had been lots of previous signs that he wasn’t reliable.

I became very depressed, drank too much, made some poor choices, eg jobs, my next relationship was with someone who treated me badly. Wish had sought help for my mental health, much sooner.

Did she move to a small village to be with him?

Tbh OP, the way I read it based on what you’ve said is this.

He walks out. Who knows why- quarter life crisis?

He hooks up with this new woman, but still misses you, as he then messages you wanting to meet after he’s hooked up with her. That doesn’t sound like he was interested in her, does it?

He then finds out she’s pregnant, and apparently is gutted about it. He stops messaging you to give the relationship with the mother of his child a chance. He moves in for the same reason.

It sounds like he’s just making the best of a bad situation. I can’t imagine it’s domestic bliss at all, given its someone he barely knew and a baby he was gutted to be having. I’ll bet he messages you again in the next few years. Make sure you’ve moved on by then as you deserve better.

Wallow a bit for the rest of December, then make a plan to get your life on track for 2021. Good luck OP, I wish you well!

@Sandals19 I think that’s probably hit the nail on the head - I don’t think anyone would love me like he did. We had so many happy years together and planned our whole future, our wedding, everything. It doesn’t seem possible to have that again?

@Dozerdoz sorry you have been through similar. It’s so tough.

@TodgerStrunk no?

@Originic I get what you mean but he liked her enough to sleep with her. It was so weird when we were in touch and starting things up again and then he just disappeared. A mutual friend told me he’d had a terrible first few weeks but they’ve been living together ever since so must have worked it out I suppose. I do know that me thinking about it all makes zero difference. And I’m probably a fucking shit person for wanting to know he’s having a hard time.

You’re allowed to be a dick when you have a broken heart OP. And he was a recently single guy; being blunt, I imagine the list of girls he liked enough to sleep with was very long. Again, the fact that he was messaging you then suddenly disappeared to me shows that he was keen to come back, but the baby scuppered it.

The fact that they had a terrible first few weeks and are still living together doesn’t prove everything is great, it just proves they are still living together. They have a baby, it’s logical to try and make it work. I imagine he also wants to prove he did the right thing by leaving.

@UpAndStars

I’m not young I’m 34. I feel like I have no future with anyone now at this age. 35 in feb.

If someone was 24 and wrote this you'd say '24? That's nothing! You've got your life ahead of you!'

If you were 44 and someone wrote this, you'd say '34? That's nothing! You've got your life ahead of you!'

You have years to find someone new and have kids. Nothing is over yet, not by far.

But, if you feel you're pushed for time, why are you spending it thinking about him, rather than pursuing your own goals?

Pretend he's dead.

I don’t think anyone would love me like he did. We had so many happy years together and planned our whole future, our wedding, everything. It doesn’t seem possible to have that again?

There is no "one" in this world, there are numerous possible ones. You are only 34, there is absolutely no reason you can't meet another guy who loves you and you him.

Don't fk yourself up with low self esteem and scarcity mentality.

Obviously now is not exactly the optimum time to meet people, but hopefully next year things will be closer to normal, and in the meantime you can plan your strategy about how you are going to meet new people, expand your social circles etc. Is it courses, hobbies, sports, activities, volunteering (not in something with virtually no men I might add - though of course making new female friends can help improve your general social life). No harm in trying OLD and the traditional bar thing but they have their issues and should only be one strand of your strategy. You might even consider a sabbatical or year out in a different location.

NHS fertility page cites 90% of women under 40 falling pregnant within two years of trying. Obviously the younger you are the less far into the two years of us likely to take. If you are concerned you could pay for a fertility check, they're not v expensive. They're not perfect but better than nothing. Depending on that you could consider egg freezing, if you could afford it and really want yo take pressure off. Worth noting though that almost all the antenatal women i met were late 30s.

You need to focus on yourself, your plans etc. You need to break the habit of thinking about him, his setup etc. It's verging on obsessive, it's certainly masochistic and it's doing you no good. You won't be giving yourself a proper chance to be happy and meet someone else sooner or later if you don't.

Again, the fact that he was messaging you then suddenly disappeared to me shows that he was keen to come back, but the baby scuppered it.

I actually don't think he was "keen to come back" .. I think he was yanking the fishing line to see if op was still hooked on it and he had the option of coming back. Not the same as wanting to come back.

He took some level of risk when he dumped op by text and cleared out ... He'd obviously planned it too.

If he was really, truly keen to get back together with op, I don't think he'd have chosen the wild-card, untested, non relationship - even with a pregnancy/imminent baby.
Men chose not to get into relationships with women they've impregnated all the time (either to stay single or to return to/continue an existing relationship). He chose to try a new relationship (and risk op moving on, getting into a serious relationship, falling pregnant by a new partner etc.) by the time it had proven not to work, if that's how it panned out.
That's not the decision of someone who is certain they want to get back with their ex.

Getting back with op wouldn't have ruled out having a relationship with his child separately, supporting them etc. It's obvious from the threads op has made that she was very very committed to the relationship, and would very likely have accepted the situation (even if it was painful for her) and continued it .. So he would t have been made to choose that way.

*Men choose

Similar happened to me too, but many years ago now. We’d been together 11 years & married for 7 years. In the November we’d decided to try for a baby after Christmas. Late December I discovered photos of him snogging the face off a woman at work. He left & within a month rang me at work to say he was in a relationship with a completely different woman & she was pregnant! We were barely separated let alone divorced.
What I can say with hindsight, and it definitely didn’t feel like it at the time, it’s the biggest favour he ever did me. It took me many many years to realise how abusive he’d been to me and define it as abuse.
Be kind to yourself & take time to heal.

He sounds very cold and callous. Slightly sociopathic. I wouldn't want to spend my life with someone like that.

@UpAndStars

She’s wasn’t the OW though. He met her on a night out a few weeks after we spilt. The thing that makes me feel shit is he was texting me after a couple of months saying he wanted to meet and see me and then that happened and I suddenly heard nothing from him! So he basically discarded me twice. The second time as soon as he found out about them having a son. I feel so shit and I don’t know how to face Christmas knowing they are two roads away having a wonderful family time. I feel sick even typing it

Or she WAS the OW, but things weren't going well ...and you were the back-up plan. OW sussed this and fell pregnant to entrap him. He could be very much regretting his actions and feeling trapped....but why the hell are you worrying about someone who so carelessly discarded you? My advice would be to stop dwelling on the what ifs and go find someone else/some new friends.

I’m trying to do that it’s just difficult not to imagine him in this blissful setting. I’m not constantly thinking of it but more so now because of Christmas coming up. It’s hard.