Someone tell me he’s not having the happy time I imagine :(

[UpAndStars]

I know that it’s not good to be bitter and I’m having tons of therapy. I’ve posted before in case anyone jumps on me for this! I had some great support I’m just struggling a lot today and in the lead up to Christmas. Basically my fiancé left me out of the blue, literally one day with me, the next moved out and a text saying he was sorry. I literally walked into a half empty house. I found out a few months later that he’d met someone (live in a small town) and they were pregnant..this happened about a month after he left me and apparently wasn’t planned. I’ve been told through a friend of a friend that he was horrified about it. But when he was born they moved in...which I get, obviously they want to try and make it work. They’ve been living together for 6 months now and to be honest it’s destroyed me. I feel like how could he have walked out on me and now after not even speaking to her for months does he get his happy little family...while I sit here alone with absolutely nobody with me, no happy household no Christmas tree. I know i sound bitter and I am. I’m getting therapy. I just can’t get it out of my head that he’s there in blissful family life after he left me so callously and coldly after 6 years together. I have so many images of him in my old home just having a wonderful time with a ready made family and it’s making me feel a million times worse. Our wedding was supposed to be last weekend too :(

@UpAndStars

I think in some ways I’ve imagined it to be perfect for him because of the fact he doesn’t know her well. What I mean is he and she will still be on best behaviour won’t they, which should make them breeze through the hard parts. That’s how I see it I guess... that they’ll be being so polite that no arguments or stress will be there like me and him may have had after knowing each other so long.

Its just so rubbish and I feel like I will always be alone. I’ve dipped my toe back into online dating and didn’t see anyone I liked.

With a newborn and having just given birth no she won’t have been on her best behaviour. Having a baby is testing on the strongest of relationship. It doesn’t matter if their relationship is perfect or awful, it doesn’t change the fact that he has decided he doesn’t want to be with you.

You need to start to focus on moving on. You’re 35 you have time to meet someone and have a child/children if that’s what you want. Don’t waste the next 5 years thinking about this man.

@Thatwentbadly yes I think that’s what I need to keep telling myself, he didn’t want me so end of story. It would make it easier thinking he wasn’t living a perfect life. But that’s me being mean and nasty, I do realise that and know I need to get over it.

you can be mean and nasty if you like - its allowed, but it won't make any difference is all. You will not feel better until you close the door on him / them / you and him as a couple. There is no such thing as THE one. The really isn't. There are millions of people in the world who have had more than one fulfilling relationship. Arguably, it makes perfect sense to change around every few years at different stages in your life. Both my significant relationships lasted a decade and coincided with specific times in my life. They were both right at the time. You will very likely meet someone else down the line but you really need to put this one behind you by making them irrelevant to YOU.

When I had a six month old at Christmas I was not dancing round a tree and kissing under blankets and on best behaviour. DH and I were exhausted, miserable at each other, stressed, etc. And that was a planned baby in a long term relationship. I really doubt they’re in clover.

Hey, OP. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

I just wanted to comment to hopefully help. This idea of bliss you have, it's likely very far from reality.

When I had DS 18 months ago, oh my Lord, it was so hard. It still is. He didn't sleep for more than 30-60 minutes at a time. I was exhausted. DP was exhausted. But we resented each other thinking the other got more sleep. We'd argue over the smallest thing. Honestly, I wouldn't have given two shiny shits if he'd walked out. The only way it would have impacted me was financially because of paying bills alone on maternity pay. I had zero sex drive. I still don't have much desire to have sex to be honest, because we have a bad sleeper and once he's finally asleep, I just want to sleep.

Our relationship has taken a back seat and right now we are mummy and daddy. We kind of just exist in the same household whilst working together as a team for DS's sake. I know our relationship is strong enough to overcome this in the end, but that's because we had a solid foundation to begin with.

Your ex and this lady don't. I don't imagine they're cuddled up and blissfully content each night. They're likely just playing the functional role of mummy and daddy right now. When you said he wouldn't still be there after 6 months if he wasn't happy; trust me, he would. As I said, we've not been happy at times but there is no way I, or DP, could walk out on DS. He may not be there for her. He's there for his son. She isn't the most important person in his life. The baby is.

Thanks, that certainly gives a different reality to the one I had in my head.

I think a lot of this is me thinking there’s lots of lying around, down time and yes sleepless nights but in a fun way. I’m probably deluded here but having not done it it’s hard to imagine that it’s so hard especially on the man.

Our mutual friend told me a while back that he had described the time as terrible but I’m not sure in what context it was said and obviously things have moved on now and they’re still happy.

Maybe go and have a read of the parenting board.....lots of threads there about the relentless skull crushing tiredness a newborn can bring and how couples struggle desperately to find time or desire for each other. You may not have personally experienced it, but you're on mumsnet... The vast majority of posters can tell you similar to what the pp above said, and that was in much more established relationships with planned babies.

sleepless nights but in a fun way

Nonononononononononono. It’s literal torture. That’s why it’s used in war.

@UpAndStars

Thanks, that certainly gives a different reality to the one I had in my head.

I think a lot of this is me thinking there’s lots of lying around, down time and yes sleepless nights but in a fun way. I’m probably deluded here but having not done it it’s hard to imagine that it’s so hard especially on the man.

This is the "Disney" version of child-rearing which I fell for. The make sure baby is warm, dry, fed, calm and it would be "night night" in the cot then we could have a cosy cuddle on the couch.

Let me reassure you the reality is very, very different. Baby can take hours to settle, they wake at night and by at night I mean 4 hours later and they scream and scream if you don't get to them in time then they are totally wound up and you are back to square one and one parent can be alone with baby for another couple of hours until baby is asleep again for a bit. Repeat for months.

There is the other aspect of this relationship in that they got pregnant within weeks, so now no matter how anyone feels they are trapped as parents forever to this child even if they don't want to be a couple anymore, no more clean breaks etc.

He broke off your engagement, didn't give himself or yourself anytime in between, let her have him.

Think about it would you want a child with someone you had only had one month child free with? Where is the going away, getting to know each other, weeks of flirty texts, it's at times of extreme tiredness with a baby that realising you do love your partner that gets you through how can you do that if you never found that out beforehand?

Concentrate on you.
If you want a family with a loving dad who hasn't ever broken your heart it's not going to be with him.
Get back out there.

In my humble opinion their situation is far from ideal. Very far from it indeed.

@BlenheimOrange

sleepless nights but in a fun way

Nonononononononononono. It’s literal torture. That’s why it’s used in war.

I used to put sky sports on in the witching hours just watch anything live (think cricket in Sri Lanka) I was that desperate to know I was not the only one awake on this planet when I had a baby to feed.

Yep Disney baby it was not.

Anyone would feel destroyed emotionally by what he has done to you. Your feelings are so normal. But on the bright side... imagine being married to him, having a baby with him and then he waltzes off. That would be far worse. At least you are truly free now.

I bet you anything he is regretting it. Baby puke, baby shit, no sleep, everyone grumpy. Barely knows her, is thinking 'WTAF am I doing here, stuck with a stranger and a newborn?'

I am so sorry that you are going through this alone, during Covid, but you will get through it. You will find someone who truly loves and deserves you.

If he ever comes begging, please don't take him back. Develop your self worth.

'Happy Families' it is not. Do you think this baby was planned ? Not by him it wasn't. Convenient contraception failure ? Maybe ? I don't know to what extent she really wanted him as a person, a partner etc.

It was shameful and utterly selfish on his part how he dumped you, his fiancé of six years. He will do the same to her soon as well.

He's got nothing but pressure: a new (unplanned) baby (feeding routines, sleeping routines, nappy changes, how to dress the baby, feed him, bathe him, wipe his face, find clean pyjamas, favourite teddy, favourite story etc etc etc) a new partner to get used to i.e. shared values, common interests, a whole host of her friends and family to get to know whether he wants to or not alongside being a new Dad, recently moved into a new house. He is under financial pressure like he's never known before i.e. baby + Christmas etc etc.

Does any of this sound like fun ? Not to me is doesn't.

He might ruefully look back on the calm, 'just the two of us' lifestyle he had with you and the cosy familiarity. It either won't be long before he's whining to you for sympathy for his wrongdoing to you or within a couple of years, he will have another baby. But not with her. Or you.

Over the years, you will just metaphorically stand there grinning as he crashes in and out of various relationships.

The phrase, 'where have you left the one you left me for' comes to mind. It's a line from a song but valid never the less.

Wallow in your grief if you want to. It's part of the grieving process. Hopefully you will see your own, 'new dawn' one day and make a plan to move on.

Sorry you've just got sheaves and sheaves of unanswered and some unanswerable questions.

Thanks for the posts, keeping it real for me!! It does make sense and I know rationally that it won’t be a complete walk in the park...I think it’s just the idea they are laughing at the lack of sleep, she seems extremely smiley like butter wouldn’t melt - or at least she did when I first looked her up a while ago. They have no money worries as he sadly lost a parent years back and has no mortgage and substantial savings. He won’t be worrying about that.

When I heard he was having a terrible time a while back, I strangely managed to keep it all out of my head for quite a while. It’s the idea that they are now living in bliss that is hurting me and obviously thinking of Xmas coming up. It’s easy for people to say well you need to move on, but most people don’t have an ex living with someone new with a child by the time their wedding date came round! I’ve had so much time lying in bed at night thinking they’re having an amazing time.

Ah Love. Honestly. You can't see it yet but this will feel better.

Nobody (and I mean nobody) I know has much fun with a newborn. I had to agree to speak to my DH like a colleague so neither of us would fight or 'out-tired' each other. It was hell.

But he ended your relationship (quite brutally, disrespectfully and sneakily at that) before your projected wedding date approached (and I presume it didnt get as far as looking at venues, setting an actual date etc) .... And , in spite of getting back in touch before he found out one of his partners had fallen pregnant, I have strong doubts he would actually have gotten back together with you.

So if it wasn't her it would be someone else and focusing on him and his life, is not healthy for you. If is masochistic and counter productive.

You are single and you'd like to meet someone for marriage and a family. Those are the only things that you need to focus on.

Stop looking at their social media if you haven't already. Set yourself goals not to think about him, set yourself rewards for not doing so.

You thinking about him, resenting him, being jealous, being bitter changes absolutely nothing about the situation. It had no effect on him or that relationship. You probably want revenge for how he's treated you but you may not get it fir a long while it at all. You may not get it while you still care.

I'm not sure what the exact saying is but there is a saying along the lines of "being bitter is like drinking poison a d expecting the other person to die". You're the only one being affected by your feelings at this time.

And while he's treated you poorly; noone actually owes you a relationship or a family. If you were a bloke going on like this, the responses would probably be that you're almost pathologically jealous, resentful and bitter and need to stop looking at & thinking about your ex gf and her new partner.

You need to concentrate on you, what you would like - and becoming a stoical, happy, positive, secure potential partner .... Because anything else will not make you attractive as one - not to anyone worth having.

In fact you'll be at worst off-putting and at best, vulnerable to shitty men ok the dating scene if you don't get your head sorted about this.

Christmas is a difficult time but you need to give yourself time out from thinking about it. Try to enjoy things and heal.
Do you have some family and friend support?
Do you have things to keep you busy, could you find some new things?

she seems extremely smiley like butter wouldn’t melt

Think of it as a 'promotional' photo. I'm assuming you saw it on social media ? She's since got one thing she wanted from life i.e. a baby. She might not want the man but she does want the baby. Does he love her I mean the good old 'warts and all ?'

Frankly they are coasting on the newness and novelty of it all. I don't think they've got a strong enough bond to cope when life's real difficulties come in. This is a painful question but does he love her ? Does she love him ? Their relationship started as infatuation, then she fell pregnant.

They have no money worries as he sadly lost a parent years back and has no mortgage and substantial savings. He won’t be worrying about that.

He might turn out to be a miser. Having a baby can change people for the worse. He could accuse her of going after him for his money and the baby/their son was nothing more than bait.

What do you mean by, 'no mortgage' ? Does he own an alternative house to the one you both were living in ?

He was going along in his life with you, planning to get married to you then SHE happened. Turned his head and now he's got a shiny new girlfriend and a son. Phew ! He could say. How did that happen ?!

I agree with a PP who thinks that the mother of his son knew he was thinking of getting back with OP and got pregnant as a strategic move to keep him.

Wait until reality bites them in a few months because it will.

He will bail out on her/them like he bailed out on you.

Oh OP.

Let me tell you, my sil went through this exact scenario, and there definitely was a little crossover. The only reason I know you're not her is that her twatty ex has a daughter. He has begged her, now the child is a bit older to go back, he's miserable as sin, but my mil raised no fools and sil wouldn't touch him with someone else's. It's hard. Whether they are happy or miserable, it makes no odds, he's not the one for you or he wouldn't have deserted you so abruptly.

I got left, at 34, with a baby, nowhere to live and in a real state. As I sit here ten years later with 2 babies asleep in my lap, my wonderful DH working in the next room so hard to keep us all, my older child loving her life, I'm so glad it all went pear. It takes time but your moment will come and you will be so relieved it wasn't with him. You'll be ok, just don't slip into obsessing about their lives. Just not worth it.

Should also add that while it's understandable you're in pain a d his behaviour was shit, this board of filled with women who've been walked out on/left after years of a relationship, often married, with children they brought into the world with men who've done that to them.

Your ex evidently dud not feel the right way, was not committed enough to proceed to marriage and having a family with you.

(He's giving a cohabiting partnership with this woman a go because of the baby, bur who knows how that'll pan out).

He could have gone ahead not feeling the right way and you could've later been left divorced and/or with young children.

You have the chance now to meet someone else who is committed, who has a different dynamic with you.

I agree with a PP who thinks that the mother of his son knew he was thinking of getting back with OP and got pregnant as a strategic move to keep him.

She may have gotten pregnant to try to lock him down because he wasn't committed; but I don't think he actually would've gotten back together with op.

And it's actually counterproductive to ops recovery to reinforce the impression he'd have gotten back together with her and committed to her if not for the pregnancy.

How he ended their relationship was quite brutal and he'd never have been trustworthy. He's certainly have needed with op's head, bit whether he'd actually have gotten back together with her and then committed to marriage etc .... Seriously doubt.

*he'd certainly have messed with op's head

And it's actually counterproductive to ops recovery to reinforce the impression he'd have gotten back together with her and committed to her if not for the pregnancy

Fair point

@Sandals19 that’s exactly what he did say though. He said we could have worked things out but now this had happened too much had changed and right now it wouldn’t work. Obviously I agree with that but didn’t expect him to have his amazing little family on a plate for him and for it all to be so brilliant. I am bitter and angry about it and yes we had set a date for the wedding, it was two weeks ago! So all this had been hard. I am focusing on myself too but I guess I just wanted to hear that it won’t be easy for him. I know that makes me a dick and resentful and cruel but here is the only place I can really admit to that, as well as to my therapist who says I have a naive view of what living in that scenario would be like.

I know I sound like a broken record. It’s been helpful to post here.

Perhaps in the new year you could start dating, if you're feeling ready and the restrictions lift! The loneliness is making it harder for you than missing him. You'll soon be out having fun again while every night he'll be at home never going out with a baby. If a man can just throw away a relationship like he did, feel a little blessed he didn't do this after marriage and the chances are when he gets bored of being tied down, he'll leave his current partner, by then you'll settled in a new relationship.

Everything will work out fine.