My partner emailed my therapist

[Samskara]

I’ve been having a lot of issues in my relationship which I’ve been discussing with my therapist.

Yet this weekend he decided to email my therapist an entire essay putting forward his “side”.

How would you feel if your partner had done this?

By the way he didn’t tell me he did this. My therapist told me.

Really pissed off to be honest. Why did he do it? Is he abusive? Because this is hugely over stepping the mark.

I imagine a lot of people would really struggle with their partner having counselling, thinking that they'll give a false impression. Is he generally a manipulative person?

Well, I think with that one dick move, he has at least demonstrated beyond any shadow of a doubt why you're having problems with your relationship: it's not you, it's him. He's an arsehole.

Is this the "other side" of a long running post on here?

Well, it smacks of controlling behaviour. But I'm sure it's given a lot of insight to your therapist (just not in the way he thinks it will).

I'd be very pissed off.

My narcissistic ex was constantly dying to speak to my therapist. He now has therapy with her himself (which I think is fucked up in itself) and recently contacted me to tell me she has diagnosed me with a serious mental health problem (she never mentioned this to me.....).

These freaks are all scripted by the same shit writer. If I were you I would run for the hills.

Honestly I would not mind, but that is because I’m diagnosed with a mental illness which involves not knowing reality. So it actually helps my psychiatrist to hear from my partner about incidents and so on.

But that’s the only exception I can think of? If you have no mental illness that can affect your perceptions, then it’s odd he would email your therapist. I think what I would do in your case is tell your partner that you both saying you side to a therapist is what couples counselling is for. And that since he has emailed your therapist, that then means he would benefit from couples counselling.

It sounds like he doesn’t in any way understand what therapy is. It’s about you and working through your issues, not establishing the ‘truth’ of the situation.

It’s a very weird thing to do.

That would make me very uncomfortable. What does the therapist say about it?

Have you posted about him before? I read a thread recently where the OP was having counselling and her partner wanted to email them to tell them what is what really like living with them and put their dude across?
If you're the same poster I'd have kicked his arse out long ago

Side, not dude

I think it will give your therapist a lot of insight into the state of your relationship and says much more about him as a person than you op. I would probably be embarrassed for him.

@Redwinestillfine

I think it will give your therapist a lot of insight into the state of your relationship and says much more about him as a person than you op. I would probably be embarrassed for him.

Absolutely! What an arsehole.

@SoddingWeddings

Is this the "other side" of a long running post on here?

I don’t know about any other post. I’ve been on mumsnet 10 years but this is the first post I’ve wrote in 2 years (under a name change)

My problems with him is essentially constant invalidation, minimising, rationalising, gaslighting and justifying unkind behaviour. He is never at fault for anything. Textbook emotional abuse. I’m very isolated right now and my 50 min appointment that I get with my therapist once a week is the only person I speak to outside of him. I rarely leave the house.

I have a plan to leave. I just can’t go yet, financial reasons mainly.

I’ve had an emotional, and physical breakdown in the time I’ve been with him.

He isn’t a shouter, and he isn’t physically abusive. But his dad has also taunted me on a couple of occasions too. He said “you know you have a problem dont you ” and “do you think you are a good mother?”

I’m suicidal everyday.

He is NEVER wrong about anything I raise. And I could explain myself till I’m blue in the face. Nothing is his fault.

I’m not very well now as a result of this crazy making.

He views my mental and physical health declining as a result of trauma I experienced prior to meeting him, and not because of his behaviour towards me.

He calls the domestic violence helpline about me, and also 999 when from time to time my anger jumps out of me. I’m not allowed to be hurt or angry about his treatment of me.

And when talking to the crisis line, he always frames himself as the loving supportive partner who has a girlfriend who “has a lot of problems” that he has to cope with. He says he “is a broken man” because of me.

I could say a lot more, this doesn’t scratch the surface really.

But I know I’ll be OK one day, even if I right now I wish I didn’t wake up most mornings.

He sounds rather mad, OP. Wouldn't you agree?

I think the word narcissist is thrown around a lot on MN, but this is so, so narcissistic. To Samskara's 'D'H: Dude, it's not about your side, it's about your partner's therapeutic journey.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? He sounds like the Water Torturor. He's basically a classic crazy maker.

If you don't leave, you'll likely have a complete mental breakdown as a direct result of his mental abuse of you.

My therapist said it was highly inappropriate, and he overstepped the boundaries. She said she believes me.

This was very validating to hear because I was a mess as she read out his email to me.

He won’t even allow me to have one person who will support me. I genuinely think he thought she was going to offer him some advice on how to “deal” with me.

Yes I’ve read it. The bit about how the anger comes out of you resonated a lot. I can get absolutely rabbid with frustration. And over the years I tried my best to explain myself 100 different ways to get him to “see”, but it’s pointless. They never see your point of view do they.

Thanks for your support everyone I really appreciate it. It’s been a real difficult year (for many of us)

He sounds awful, you need to get out of that relationship.
Maybe you should discuss our replies with your therapist so that she can help you to plan.

Disclaimer - retired therapist.
He's not the first to try on such shenanigans with a partner's therapist. I had one make an appointment with me once and reveal in the session that he was partner of one of my clients. I gave him short shrift.

Your therapist sounds like she's handling it well OP. He sounds dangerous to your mental health. I wish you well, and I hope you feel strong enough to do what's right for you.

What needs to happen for you to be able to leave?

The only way you will recover is to get the fuck away from this man.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through OP. Crazy making is a good description, you're being made out to be ill, and as a result you are becoming ill, but not in the way he describes.

I understand it's not easy to leave for financial reasons. It would be worth getting in touch with Women's Aid to see if they can help you access some financial support. Some councils run deposit guarantee schemes, they'll also know if you're entitled to any benefits.

If you have MH problems and are confident he acts in your best interests then this might be helpful. If not, it's probably not your main problem, rather a symptom of something you already know.