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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner emailed my therapist

147 replies

Samskara · 15/12/2020 14:02

I’ve been having a lot of issues in my relationship which I’ve been discussing with my therapist.

Yet this weekend he decided to email my therapist an entire essay putting forward his “side”.

How would you feel if your partner had done this?

By the way he didn’t tell me he did this. My therapist told me.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 15/12/2020 15:47

Has you therapist given you any resources to help you leave.
It really does sound like you need to get out of there.

What do you need to be able to leave?

Original poster
Samskara · 15/12/2020 15:48

@immortalstone

This is “the pattern”

You will never ever stop this pattern OP. Your partner clearly has a strong need to always be right. That is his primary psychological motivation. You will never influence him to change because he would have to admit that he is the problem, he is wrong to do this, and he won't. He sees that as psychologically threatening and he has layers and layers of psychological defences to stop that happening.

Its hard to accept you will never get through when what you are saying is so reasonable and so evidenced. But you have to accept that you won't. This isn't about reality for him. Its about the maintenance of a fiction that he can never admit is fictional - because then his whole world falls apart.

This makes a lot of sense. Thank you x The explaining myself 100 different ways all the time stops right now. Time to put my energy into a plan to get well and get out.
OP posts:
Dontbeme · 15/12/2020 15:48

I’m ashamed of myself because I’ve become quite crazy looking

That is the entire point of how he is behaving and treating you @Samskara and as a previous poster wrote he has laid the groundwork with his dad that you are "unstable" too. The best treatment you could have right now would be to leave him, your mental health would improve tenfold. It will be frightening at first but not only will you survive but you will thrive.

Another piece of advice make sure you are using private browsing online always and wipe internet history, you do not want him having access to places that you can gain support. Be strong, sending you a handhold OP.

Serendipity79 · 15/12/2020 15:48

OP please find a way to leave this man. I've been where you are and they make you literally feel like you're going mad. The minimising, the lying, the manipulation, making you feel its all your fault, you aren't enough, there are things wrong with you...

Saying evil things, then pretending you have mental health issues because you repeat them but they deny ever saying it..... and somehow you end up doing all of the apologising even though you aren't sure what you are apologising for.

It's totally inappropriate for him to have contacted your counsellor but they'll be able to see for themselves who he is. Please contact someone like Women's Aid or whatever similar organisation you have near you - they will be able to help you and support you to leave

Original poster
Samskara · 15/12/2020 15:51

@RantyAnty

Has you therapist given you any resources to help you leave. It really does sound like you need to get out of there.

What do you need to be able to leave?

It’s money unfortunately.

After suffering a breakdown shortly after finding him on a dating site yet again, my physical and emotional health deteriorated. And the business I was meant to start got postponed.

I get a little sickness benefit but nothing else. I’m constantly told when I’m sad about how he treats me “well why are you still here” like I have options. He knows I have no options. But I will have. I’ll be OK. Thank you for your support x

OP posts:
randomer · 15/12/2020 15:52

I’m suicidal everyday

Very , very serious. Can you stay at a friends?

category12 · 15/12/2020 15:53

Time to put my energy into a plan to get well and get out.

I'd put those in a different order - get out and get well. You're currently on a lifeboat with a fellow passenger who is pouring buckets of water into the boat as fast or faster than you can bail it out. You need to throw him out of your boat first.

ReetDortyLass · 15/12/2020 15:53

Could you go to a refuge OP?

DryRoastPeanut · 15/12/2020 15:59

Dealbreaker!
Dump and run.

Di11y · 15/12/2020 16:00

This reminds me of when I was at uni, our relationship was so terrible my fiance had written them a letter trying to build bridges and saying unless things improved they might end up not having a relationship with me.

We were invited to a counselling session, which I thought was a sign of wanting to improve things. In reality they had had several sessions with the therapist beforehand, painted themselves in a very particular light, shared the letter and used the session to have the therapist back up why they were right and we were wrong.

YoniAndGuy · 15/12/2020 16:01

The explaining myself 100 different ways all the time stops right now. Time to put my energy into a plan to get well and get out.

YES.

This 100%

This is all you need to do.

You know you sound lovely and he sounds absolutely chilling, don't you? He sounds insane. Your therapist knows it too. She's not allowed to say that but her reaction to all this is clear. She must have been worried about you and she can see his manipulation and coercive control of you a mile off. He is abusing you mentally - and it's been very effective and that's why you're in the state you are.

If you can manage to drop this rope it will give you SO MUCH ENERGY. Right now he has you exactly where he wants you - running in circles trying to justify yourself and explain explain, so that he might see and change. But he does see. He just likes it this way and doesn't want to change. He wants to control you and pick at you and mentally batter you. He loves doing it!

So yes just stop. Come up with strategies to tune him out, whatever he says - yep ok dear. Whatever you say. What a nice man you are. Etc. Anything to shut up Hannibal Lecter.

Take strength from your daughter, your dog, lovely sunsets, anything (you clearly already do, you are far more grounded and able and mentally healthy than you think!)

And use that saved energy to make plans to get out. People here will help with that. Woman's Aid, too. Yes you qualify and yes you are being abused and controlled.

You can do anything you set your mind to after surviving a nutjob like this.

YoniAndGuy · 15/12/2020 16:02

Options:

  • any family? No matter HOW far away.
  • a refuge. Not madly easy and you'd have to have your dog cared for, and then apply for housing?
  • you would get money in the divorce.
justanotherneighinparadise · 15/12/2020 16:09

Okay. This man will put you in your grave unless you leave. Are their children involved? You need to contact any woman’s charity you can and try and get yourself out of there with just a bag if necessary.

Nothing would stop me from getting the hell away. I would present myself to any agency I could. I’d even approach the bloody church if necessary. Do you have a friend you could confide in? A relative? You need someone to help you to get away.

Dullardmullard · 15/12/2020 16:10

Go into a refuge now not tomorrow now phone WA and get that rolling. You have a good therapist here.

He’s setting the grounds work already with the taunting and goading and phoning the police on you

Please look up sunken fallacy

You need to leave sooner rather than later.

crosspelican · 15/12/2020 16:12

Have you checked the website www.entitledto.co.uk/? You might be entitled to more than you think.

Contact Women's Aid and ask them about help escaping too. What you describe seems no different from physical abuse, and could be just as dangerous, physically, if he drives you to harm yourself. There might be other resources available to you to get out that you don't know about.

I understand how impossible it can feel to extract yourself from him, but getting out might be the best thing you could do for your mental wellness right now.

If you didn't have to make a decision because he was abducted by aliens tonight, what would be the first thing you would do for your and your daughter when you woke up tomorrow to build a new life?

I love what @category12 just said - "I'd put those in a different order - get out and get well. You're currently on a lifeboat with a fellow passenger who is pouring buckets of water into the boat as fast or faster than you can bail it out. You need to throw him out of your boat first."

immortalstone · 15/12/2020 16:12

I'm glad that you seem to have got a lot of support from this thread OP.

I'm glad you started it too. The replies from some of the other posters on this thread. This is literally the only place where I have ever heard people experience and understand some of the things I have lived through.

crosspelican · 15/12/2020 16:12

Do you mind me asking if you are married and does he/you own your home?

Dullardmullard · 15/12/2020 16:13

There is foster care for the dog within some of the WA not sure on your area but could be looked into

Dashel · 15/12/2020 16:14

If you have no friends or family then I think you need to contact women’s aid urgently, you need to escape this situation ASAP.

There are also local charities that that might be able to help you and advise you depending on where you are and might be worth googling for.

As other posters have said, wipe your browser history and don’t let him know what you are thinking or planning. I would think of this a strategy to keep you safe. I wouldn’t argue or rock the boat if I were you not just yet anyway.

Make yourself a mental list of tasks to prepare to leave.

Speak to women’s aid and a gp

Do you have your own bank account? Do you know where the important paperwork is like passports and birth certificates?

Can you discretely start raising a bit of cash (looking at the £10 a day thread on the money forum there is some working from home job) without him knowing?

Do you have any old friends that you haven’t spoken to in a while that you could contact? To start with just to say hi and give you some confidence?

Try and take some positive steps each day to look after yourself and your DD x try to make yourself look less “crazy” and do positive steps to show you are trying to address your issues

SweetGrapes · 15/12/2020 16:16

OP, I think you've already seen that he will never get around to your point of view.

At the first step in the pattern where he invalidates your point of view - you need to not accept his invalidation. Just say 'I don't agree with this' and walk away.

If it's not safe to say this out loud, then just say this in your head and walk away. Don't rise to it.

monkeymonkey2010 · 15/12/2020 16:17

I have PTSD, suicidal depression and anxiety. Although all of that has been 100x worse since being with him

So why are you still with him?
Why are you putting yourself in his and his 'apple doesn't fall from the tree' dad?

Then you'd deal with your issues a lot better...............

randomer · 15/12/2020 16:17

Regarding your appearance OP, anything you are not happy with can be pretty quickly be remedied with a decent haircut and some inexpensive new clothing. You are clearly a competent and caring person.

justanotherneighinparadise · 15/12/2020 16:17

Please take people’s advice OP. He is dangerous to your mental health. You are suicidal. He does not love you. He does not want the best for you. He enjoys your pain.

TicTacTwo · 15/12/2020 16:21

The sort of person that emails another adult's therapist because they are worried how they come across is exactly the sort of person who should be in therapy unless the email is concern about the person's safety. For example an email
expressing concern that the therapist doesn't know that an alcoholic has relapsed is understandable.

Bonsai49 · 15/12/2020 16:27

OP - please just find a way to leave this man - contact Woman’s Aid urgently . Putting a financial barrier between you and safety is so self defeating .