My partner emailed my therapist

[Samskara]

I’ve been having a lot of issues in my relationship which I’ve been discussing with my therapist.

Yet this weekend he decided to email my therapist an entire essay putting forward his “side”.

How would you feel if your partner had done this?

By the way he didn’t tell me he did this. My therapist told me.

I’m ashamed to say it but yes I have pushed him a few times. It’s unacceptable and there is no excuse for my behaviour.

So presumably he told your therapist you are violent towards him? And he has already been setting the scene elsewhere, by the sounds of things.

You need to get out pronto. Are there any relatives you can stay with temporarily?

Apologies for the poor grammar, in a hurry!

This is “the pattern”

You will never ever stop this pattern OP. Your partner clearly has a strong need to always be right. That is his primary psychological motivation. You will never influence him to change because he would have to admit that he is the problem, he is wrong to do this, and he won't. He sees that as psychologically threatening and he has layers and layers of psychological defences to stop that happening.

Its hard to accept you will never get through when what you are saying is so reasonable and so evidenced. But you have to accept that you won't. This isn't about reality for him. Its about the maintenance of a fiction that he can never admit is fictional - because then his whole world falls apart.

@Samskara

My therapist said it was highly inappropriate, and he overstepped the boundaries. She said she believes me.

This was very validating to hear because I was a mess as she read out his email to me.

He won’t even allow me to have one person who will support me. I genuinely think he thought she was going to offer him some advice on how to “deal” with me.

Your partner has done you a favour and you have a good therapist.

Good luck.

My friends ex husband drove her crazy and she would rant and rave, there was so much abuse and he would calmly push her to the edge but she was the one who verbally exploded and the kids always blamed her as they were too young to pick up on the subtleties.

Please don’t let this be you. It was a horrible long divorce and he spread a lot of rumours about her but thankfully a elderly neighbour spoke out about some of his behaviour that she happened to see so my friend did have some believers but you need to stop this getting worse and I know that will be hard, but better now that if you get into trouble with the police

@Butchyrestingface

I’m ashamed to say it but yes I have pushed him a few times. It’s unacceptable and there is no excuse for my behaviour.

So presumably he told your therapist you are violent towards him? And he has already been setting the scene elsewhere, by the sounds of things.

You need to get out pronto. Are there any relatives you can stay with temporarily?

Sorry if I’m missing messages, I’m trying to keep up. I had already told my therapist I have shouted and that I’d pushed him before. I’ve been honest about everything. And when I told him that I had told my therapist he was emotionally abusing me that’s when he said he wanted her to hear his side. In the email he gave her a full breakdown of my behaviour with examples. It just felt like he didn’t want her to be in full support of me, but to also support him too.

But reading further your therapist now has a conflict of interest in taking you both on. Which isn't good nor particularly ethical...

But yeah, good for you to at least know who your partner is.

Unfortunately knowing that they had shared that with you I couldn't trust them not to share what you'd said in confidence with him...

Wow so toxic and in appropriate. He doesn't want a resolution...he wants to win. And he is clearly so used to winning that he believes he can get your therapist on side. He sounds narcissistic.

Take this as confirmation that leaving him is the right thing to do.

Tbh if you're suicidal everyday, you can't afford not to leave him.

How did he get her e mail?

He has demonstrated what a controlling twat he is. So consider yourself one up on his after that stupid little stunt.

And keep everything that is yours (including time with your therapist) to yourself. Don't share any details, anything about your life that he can twist and turn against you.

@Lovelydiscusfish

My narcissistic ex was constantly dying to speak to my therapist. He now has therapy with her himself (which I think is fucked up in itself) and recently contacted me to tell me she has diagnosed me with a serious mental health problem (she never mentioned this to me.....).

These freaks are all scripted by the same shit writer. If I were you I would run for the hills.

Agreed. A family member did something similar to his wife.

That would be the family member who was lying about seeing a therapist for 2 solid years yet had critical comments from the therapist to pass on to his wife @ x2 a month.

Liars called on it lie again and again.

I’m ashamed to say it but yes I have pushed him a few times. It’s unacceptable and there is no excuse for my behaviour

I think this is a really misunderstood form of abuse. You see it in kids commonly. Kids taunting and tormenting another child until that child cracks and pushes or hits them, then her/his tormentors, faces alight with delight, rush off the the teacher and the teacher then becomes an unwitting tool in the bullying.

Some adults do this too. They torment and goad till their victim snaps. People don't understand how victims can be worn down over the years by the psychological assault until there's no mental or emotional resilience left. Victims become demented or deranged with pain and anger which the abuser uses as evidence of their insanity.

You see it on here with women who, very well may have snapped after years or decades of abuse, and are called abusers. Its a win-win for men, women are unlikely to be strong enough to harm them, but the man still gets to gloat now about how he is the victim and he now has proof that she was the crazy bitch all along.

And no, sadly I have no family or friends. I do have one amazing daughter though.

I had a horrific childhood with lots of physical abuse and a few years ago my mum tried to scam me out of £1000 so I no longer speak to her. Recently she messaged me on whatsapp mispronouncing my name and to tell me I’m weird.
So there’s that.

I moved 300 miles to live here with him. He was caught on dating sites on four different occasions but of course that has been minimised to nothing.

I should be grateful because he walks the dog and does the school run, and makes my dinner.

I can’t do any of those things because I’m paralysed with fear most days and I’ve become non functional.

I know this all sounds terrible but I can still laugh and have fun at times.

It’s just been difficult to say the least.

Thanks again. Sorry if I’m missing replies. I’m trying my best. I’m definitely reading them all.

How did he get her e mail?

Eh, if he knows her name and location it will be available for clients

Something that would improve your mental health by 100% in an instant is putting an end to this appallingly abusive relationship.

To be honest, I'd rather sit shivering and penniless in one room than have to spend one more day in the company of an individual like him.

@immortalstone

I’m ashamed to say it but yes I have pushed him a few times. It’s unacceptable and there is no excuse for my behaviour

I think this is a really misunderstood form of abuse. You see it in kids commonly. Kids taunting and tormenting another child until that child cracks and pushes or hits them, then her/his tormentors, faces alight with delight, rush off the the teacher and the teacher then becomes an unwitting tool in the bullying.

Some adults do this too. They torment and goad till their victim snaps. People don't understand how victims can be worn down over the years by the psychological assault until there's no mental or emotional resilience left. Victims become demented or deranged with pain and anger which the abuser uses as evidence of their insanity.

You see it on here with women who, very well may have snapped after years or decades of abuse, and are called abusers. Its a win-win for men, women are unlikely to be strong enough to harm them, but the man still gets to gloat now about how he is the victim and he now has proof that she was the crazy bitch all along.

Yup, that’s what my abuser did to me and professionals (not MH pros - they could see exactly what was going on) ie children’s services were too dense to see it.

you need to change your therapist

@Samskara

And no, sadly I have no family or friends. I do have one amazing daughter though.

I had a horrific childhood with lots of physical abuse and a few years ago my mum tried to scam me out of £1000 so I no longer speak to her. Recently she messaged me on whatsapp mispronouncing my name and to tell me I’m weird.
So there’s that.

I moved 300 miles to live here with him. He was caught on dating sites on four different occasions but of course that has been minimised to nothing.

I should be grateful because he walks the dog and does the school run, and makes my dinner.

I can’t do any of those things because I’m paralysed with fear most days and I’ve become non functional.

I know this all sounds terrible but I can still laugh and have fun at times.

It’s just been difficult to say the least.

Thanks again. Sorry if I’m missing replies. I’m trying my best. I’m definitely reading them all.

Oh OP

This is all very reminiscent of how my life was. I too was suicidal and actually decided to go ahead...worst mistake of my life.

Please please get away from this insidious and maliciously subversive bastard. He’s killing you - slowly and softly.

He has her email address because he asked for it in May.

Basically my therapist had her concerns about something I told her about him, and she wanted to make a referral to family services as she was worried about me.

This sent my anxiety through the roof, and I decided to discontinue my therapy. He asked me for her email address so that he could explain himself and present himself as someone who just wants the best for me. At the time I stupidly believed him and thought he was being supportive so i gave him the email. So I knew about this, and he emailed her. But she never replied.

I recently got back in touch with my therapist a few weeks ago and explained that I was feeling very frightened hence why I decided to discontinue my therapy before and that I really needed the support. She said in her words that she “was made up to hear from me” and we have been having therapy ever since. She is a wonderful therapist I couldn’t ask for any better.

But it seems he has decided to send her another email, but this time behind my back to list out all of my behaviours and why it’s difficult to cope with me. She has never engaged him, but it feels violating and really embarrassing.

@immortalstone

Yes I’ve read it. The bit about how the anger comes out of you resonated a lot. I can get absolutely rabbid with frustration. And over the years I tried my best to explain myself 100 different ways to get him to “see”, but it’s pointless. They never see your point of view do they

Yes! This! I am sick to the back teeth of people thinking the solution to any relationship problem is to communicate and talk and tell the other person how you feel. It is utterly isolating, that people can't understand the type of person you are dealing with. It also puts the problem back onto me/ you OP, as if we are the problem for not having found the right words. It took me a long time to realise that the problem wasnt' me not finding the right words but just that there was something wrong with him that meant he would just never want to hear or understand.

You just have to give up on these people adn move on with your life.

This. So so so this. You end up feeling like you are completely losing your mind

@Samskara
That sounds very unhealthy to me...That he should be contacting your therapist.

A very good counsellor I know I recommended to a family member, and the first thing the therapist said to family member was : ''What is said here, stays private''.
Without trust, there can be no good client/therapist working partnership.
I knew a creepy man who said he was ''Drawn to women with problems''...but he was a really bad ''head fucker''...and he too would have been the type to have contacted a parent of the woman, or a therapist.

Cut free!

I haven't read the full thread but it was me who posted a VERY similar one. I can't believe this is such a thing to have men trying to pull this shit.

OP, I will be back later, but if you have time to kill - here is my thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4101275-Is-this-ok-or-not-DH-and-counsellor

I got some very useful replies.

More fool him if he thinks behaving like that paints him as the misunderstood good-guy. He's just shown the therapist he's a self-centred manipulating bully (in case s/he didn't already know).

Talk about shooting himself in the foot.

@RedToothBrush

But reading further your therapist now has a conflict of interest in taking you both on. Which isn't good nor particularly ethical...

But yeah, good for you to at least know who your partner is.

Unfortunately knowing that they had shared that with you I couldn't trust them not to share what you'd said in confidence with him...

I think it's someone else's ex who claims he's been taken on by her therapist. OP's partner just emailed her therapist (bad enough).

Your partner is deeply controlling, I hope your therapist has already highlighted this.