My partner emailed my therapist

[Samskara]

I’ve been having a lot of issues in my relationship which I’ve been discussing with my therapist.

Yet this weekend he decided to email my therapist an entire essay putting forward his “side”.

How would you feel if your partner had done this?

By the way he didn’t tell me he did this. My therapist told me.

@Lovelydiscusfish

My narcissistic ex was constantly dying to speak to my therapist. He now has therapy with her himself (which I think is fucked up in itself) and recently contacted me to tell me she has diagnosed me with a serious mental health problem (she never mentioned this to me.....).

These freaks are all scripted by the same shit writer. If I were you I would run for the hills.

Then he's lying.

If she had any diagnosis about you at all she would keep it to herself.

She's a professional. He's a tw*t. You're well out of it.

I didn't want to read and run, but please know this is NOT you with the problem, it is HIM!

You do not need him, he needs you (which is why he has chipped away at you so he can control you), but you will be much better when you leave, so try and make it sooner rather than later.

Sending lots of hugs. xxx

@Lovelydiscusfish

My narcissistic ex was constantly dying to speak to my therapist. He now has therapy with her himself (which I think is fucked up in itself) and recently contacted me to tell me she has diagnosed me with a serious mental health problem (she never mentioned this to me.....).

These freaks are all scripted by the same shit writer. If I were you I would run for the hills.

Yes he said he really wanted to speak to my therapist on the phone. And even wrote at the start of the email “I know this is unethical” but then went on to send her an entire essay about how he is hard done by because he has to cope with me.

I was in complete shock. It feels like violation.

Your experience and reading the post from the retired therapist on this thread tells me it’s not uncommon unfortunately.

My partner is having therapy at the moment (with my support and encouragement). Sometimes he mentions what they discussed, sometimes he doesn’t. I have a lot of views on his “issues” and would love to share these with the therapist to see if she can help him with them.

However, I don’t because 1) therapy is about him, his needs, and his problems that need working through - what I view as important or relevant may not be either of those things because naturally my view is biased towards things that impact on me. 2) It would be the most horrendous crossing of boundaries and would categorically put me in the wrong. Quite rightly, I think that would be the end of our relationship.

Your partner horrendously crossed a line & you are not wrong to feel outraged by that behaviour. “His side” is irrelevant to your therapy sessions.

It's a deal breaker, OP.

Yes I’ve read it. The bit about how the anger comes out of you resonated a lot. I can get absolutely rabbid with frustration. And over the years I tried my best to explain myself 100 different ways to get him to “see”, but it’s pointless. They never see your point of view do they

Yes! This! I am sick to the back teeth of people thinking the solution to any relationship problem is to communicate and talk and tell the other person how you feel. It is utterly isolating, that people can't understand the type of person you are dealing with. It also puts the problem back onto me/ you OP, as if we are the problem for not having found the right words. It took me a long time to realise that the problem wasnt' me not finding the right words but just that there was something wrong with him that meant he would just never want to hear or understand.

You just have to give up on these people adn move on with your life.

@Zilla1

If you have MH problems and are confident he acts in your best interests then this might be helpful. If not, it's probably not your main problem, rather a symptom of something you already know.

I have PTSD, suicidal depression and anxiety. Although all of that has been 100x worse since being with him. I have therapy mainly for my trauma symptoms as I’m off the scale for that apparently.

@Lovelydiscusfish

My narcissistic ex was constantly dying to speak to my therapist. He now has therapy with her himself (which I think is fucked up in itself) and recently contacted me to tell me she has diagnosed me with a serious mental health problem (she never mentioned this to me.....).

These freaks are all scripted by the same shit writer. If I were you I would run for the hills.

I’d report to BACP. Not that your therapist said that, she probably didn’t but she shouldn’t have taken him on.

My narcissistic ex was constantly dying to speak to my therapist. He now has therapy with her himself (which I think is fucked up in itself) and recently contacted me to tell me she has diagnosed me with a serious mental health problem (she never mentioned this to me.....).

@Lovelydiscusfish - this is completely unethical of the therapist. I'd write to her, say what your ex told you, say she should not be discussing you with him or anyone else, and threaten to report her. If she has been discussing you with him, she will be shocked, and if she hasn't, she should have a sharp word with him to to spreading lies.

But why are you still in contact with your narc ex?

I have PTSD, suicidal depression and anxiety. Although all of that has been 100x worse since being with him. I have therapy mainly for my trauma symptoms as I’m off the scale for that apparently.

@Samskara, isn't that enough to tell you to end the relationship?

Dear God this man is a Grade A arsehole. You have his number and so does your therapist now.

Rather than concerning yourself about what he thinks and does,I think your energy would be better spend on finding a way to get away from him, pronto, before he does any more damage to your mind and soul.

Have you been in touch with Women’s Aid? They can offer advice rather than only refuge.

Had to reply. Your H sounds almost identical to my ExH.

They won't ever see your side because they don't want to. They don't care about anything but themselves. You can explain your feelings, needs or opinions in as many ways as possible but it won't matter. The only thing that matters to them is themselves, their needs and how you fit into that, i.e. what you can do for them, not ever the other way round.

I was the same, I stood to lose a ton of money from the house we owned if I kicked him out so stayed with him far longer than I should have but one day I just decided I couldn't keep doing it. That having to sell my house, or whatever I had to do was worth it to get out of the relationship that was destroying my life, my sanity my happiness.

I kicked him out, it took a while. He wouldn't leave for the first week because he didn't believe I was serious. Then he went to his mother's, and kept coming back daily. After a couple of months he started to get the message. Shortly after I started divorce proceedings, and no word of a lie, got a ton of abuse in Klingon

He also contacted my mother whom I have been NC with for a decade to tell her his side and get her to try and persuade me to take him back. As if !

I write this now almost 10 years later. My life is unrecognisable from where it was. I have a wonderful husband and daughter and we are very happy. He would never treat me the way my ex did. Listen to what people do, not what they say. Yours is very clearly telling you, he doesn't care about your needs unless it suits him.

Don't stay with him, please. It all seems insurmountable right now but it's really not. This is emotional abuse and you can go to the police as it it illegal. Stand up to him by removing him from your life. Please.

@paddingtonbearsmarmalade

My partner is having therapy at the moment (with my support and encouragement). Sometimes he mentions what they discussed, sometimes he doesn’t. I have a lot of views on his “issues” and would love to share these with the therapist to see if she can help him with them.

However, I don’t because 1) therapy is about him, his needs, and his problems that need working through - what I view as important or relevant may not be either of those things because naturally my view is biased towards things that impact on me. 2) It would be the most horrendous crossing of boundaries and would categorically put me in the wrong. Quite rightly, I think that would be the end of our relationship.

Your partner horrendously crossed a line & you are not wrong to feel outraged by that behaviour. “His side” is irrelevant to your therapy sessions.

Your perspective seems like a healthy rational one to have.

And I’ve tried to explain that it isn’t about sides. But rather it’s about helping me to work through my issues. But he says “but I didn’t know what else to do.” So it makes it sound like he was desperate in coping with me and he didn’t know who else to turn to.

I tried to explain to him “the pattern” as I now call it.

I will be upset about something he has done
I try and talk to him about it
He will invalidate it
This causes me to re-explain maybe in a different way
He invalidates that too.
I try to explain again x 100
He invalidates them all
So now I start raising my voice
He then spends the rest of the conversation telling me I’m abusive because I’m raising my voice and how he doesn’t deserve this.
The original issue doesn’t get resolved.
I end up apologising for my behaviour

This is “the pattern”

My narcissistic ex was constantly dying to speak to my therapist. He now has therapy with her himself (which I think is fucked up in itself) and recently contacted me to tell me she has diagnosed me with a serious mental health problem (she never mentioned this to me.....).

@Lovelydiscusfish This surely must be against the rules? Even if you no longer have therapy with that person, surely even now it can't be allowed? Or even if technically allowed, a good therapist would've said no.

He calls the domestic violence helpline about me, and also 999 when from time to time my anger jumps out of me. I’m not allowed to be hurt or angry about his treatment of me.

Are you violent towards him?

He sounds like a cunt and if you are NOT violent towards him and he is making malicious allegations, could be he is trying to set the ground work for ... something.

That is hideous abuse. Gaslighting an already traumatised partner into believing they are mentally ill is about as bad, I think, as it gets. And of course his family members have been written into the script and convinced of his narrative too.

I have been successfully treated for cPTSD, so I know what being traumatised is like. It can make you ill - I suffered with short term memory loss and really did think I was losing it for a while - but it isn't a mental illness: it's a psychological injury. It makes me wonder what on earth would have happened to me if I'd had a partner who had exploited that condition rather than trying to help and support me, and encourage me to seek the 18 months' treatment (EMDR) which I believe has made me better.

It takes my breath away that a life partner could use such a condition to fuck with someone's head. That sort of behaviour takes a special kind of sadist.

To OP: please have a virtual hug from a concerned stranger, if you'd like one. Do you have family or any other networks who can support you? I know LTB is the first line of defence around here, and that leaving is nowhere near as easy as it looks. But I hope you've got someone looking out for you as this SoB is a serious risk to your mental wellbeing.

Handhold with and . I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Christ OP are you with my ex partner, because this sounds EXACTLY like him.

He now has therapy with her himself (which I think is fucked up in itself) and recently contacted me to tell me she has diagnosed me with a serious mental health problem (she never mentioned this to me.....).

I didn't see this before I posted. This is a conflict of interest and is surely against her professional practice.

@Lovelydiscusfish

My narcissistic ex was constantly dying to speak to my therapist. He now has therapy with her himself (which I think is fucked up in itself) and recently contacted me to tell me she has diagnosed me with a serious mental health problem (she never mentioned this to me.....).

These freaks are all scripted by the same shit writer. If I were you I would run for the hills.

I didn't think they'd be allowed to do that. Isn't it against their rules?

@Butchyrestingface

He calls the domestic violence helpline about me, and also 999 when from time to time my anger jumps out of me. I’m not allowed to be hurt or angry about his treatment of me.

Are you violent towards him?

He sounds like a cunt and if you are NOT violent towards him and he is making malicious allegations, could be he is trying to set the ground work for ... something.

I’m ashamed to say it but yes I have pushed him a few times. It’s unacceptable and there is no excuse for my behaviour. I’ve only ever got to that point after being told I’m not a good mum, and attacked emotionally. And invalidated for the millionth time that week. Again, not excusing it though. I’m ashamed of myself because I’ve become quite crazy looking. 😢

I will get out. My therapist is going to work with me on this.

You need to make sure you are documenting his abuse as it sounds like he is stitching you up by telling other people that you are abusive.

You need to protect yourself to stop this. Go and see your GP and explain what’s going on and if they prescribe you something I would take it (at least take the prescription on paper) speak to women’s aid and some people in real life.

Put together a timeline and then keep it updated with all the little incidents of him gaslighting or being abusive to you.

You need to get out of this situation and if you can’t do that straight away, start by making yourself stronger, mentally and physically, get in contact with family or friends even if you haven’t spoken to them in a while and he doesn’t know you are doing it if needed, do some exercise, anything at all from yoga to running to going for walk or Joe Wicks on YouTube or going to a gym or weights, or chair aerobics or tai chi - absolutely anything will make you feel a bit better and help you feel like you are making a start in looking after yourself.

There are a lot of meditation tutorials on you tube and I do a lot of yoga with Adrienne classes free on YouTube and they are calming and always make me feel better.

I know it doesn't seem like it now but your partner has done you a huge favour writing to your therapist (how does he know her email address?)

Your therapist can now see exactly what you are dealing with and be better placed to help you.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

That is hideous abuse. Gaslighting an already traumatised partner into believing they are mentally ill is about as bad, I think, as it gets. And of course his family members have been written into the script and convinced of his narrative too.

I have been successfully treated for cPTSD, so I know what being traumatised is like. It can make you ill - I suffered with short term memory loss and really did think I was losing it for a while - but it isn't a mental illness: it's a psychological injury. It makes me wonder what on earth would have happened to me if I'd had a partner who had exploited that condition rather than trying to help and support me, and encourage me to seek the 18 months' treatment (EMDR) which I believe has made me better.

It takes my breath away that a life partner could use such a condition to fuck with someone's head. That sort of behaviour takes a special kind of sadist.

To OP: please have a virtual hug from a concerned stranger, if you'd like one. Do you have family or any other networks who can support you? I know LTB is the first line of defence around here, and that leaving is nowhere near as easy as it looks. But I hope you've got someone looking out for you as this SoB is a serious risk to your mental wellbeing.

Handhold with and . I'm so sorry you're going through this.

This made me cry. Thank you for your kind words x

OP I absolutely sympathise. At the same time laughing my ass off! What an absolutely class way to demonstrate to your therapist - as if she had any doubt anyway - exactly what sort of person you are and he is. Whatever he thought to achieve, he basically wrote "everything she says about me is true". And I'm pretty sure he wasn't quite intending that message! 😂

And it's great that she shared it with you. I can imagine it was painful and embarrassing, but she's with you. She believes you, the act of reading it out, not just telling you he sent something, is a good sign.

I have similar symptoms to you and wish you the best with getting free of this excuse for a human.

Hi @Samskara, I second what @Treacletoots says about getting rid of the problem and the difference this will make to your life. My ex husband had me convinced I was the problem as was my dysfunctional narcissistic family. My ex husband launched a campaign to isolate me from everyone, family and 'friends' which was partially successful when I finally got the courage (for the sake of my sanity) to get out.

Got rid of both and my life is unbelievably different. It was definitely them, they brainwashed me and I had a form of PTSD when I first went into therapy. The relief from not being around them was immediate and I now have a normal loving relationship with a non-emotionally abusive person.

Therapy is for the support and validation of you. Your OH is obviously very threatened of this. His behaviour is outrageous.