My partner emailed my therapist

[Samskara]

I’ve been having a lot of issues in my relationship which I’ve been discussing with my therapist.

Yet this weekend he decided to email my therapist an entire essay putting forward his “side”.

How would you feel if your partner had done this?

By the way he didn’t tell me he did this. My therapist told me.

I see some ppl are excusing you violence towards him. It was very brave of you to admit it, and I hope you can work towards controlling your aggressive tendencies

What disgusting gaslighting this is. What an ally of her abusive partner this comment is.

OP doesn't have 'aggressive tendencies'. She has an abusive partner who is destroying her slowly but surely. Always negating her, always criticising her, destroying her. You are blaming her for the destruction his abuse has wrought on her.

@StamfordHill

Hmmm, I wonder (actually I don't) what people would have said had the sides been reversed. You know if a man had come in complaining that his wife gave her side of the story, but really he's the victim because she's so nagging and demanding, and he only occasionally lets his anger 'get out' (through his fist)...

Double standards anyone?

That's not a reversal of the story that OP told. That's an anodine vignette with a punch in it. OP has given multiple examples of extreme emotional and psychological abuse. You're making a molehill out of a mountain.

Oh ignore Stamfordhill. He's a well established misogynist. On a previous thread he was basically arguing that him paying a desperate, homeless woman to suck his cock was him doing a good deed for her as she needed the money.

Hi OP. I was you. I thought I had a personality disorder at one point and went into my first counselling session with my 2nd counsellor telling her that there is something wrong with me, that I'm not right in the head.

I separated from my ex nearly 3 years ago after years of drip drip drip, feeling like I was going mad, it must surely be me if he never agrees with me. Each time I asked him to go to counselling with me, he'd tell me there's nothing wrong with him, its all my fault and that he thinks I'm half mad. Look up the "water torturer". This was my ex to a "t."

The first step is that you now realise that he is abusing you. It is only upwards from there. I didn't have a clue. It took me lurking on mumsnet for the penny to drop for me.

This man has very nearly destroyed my very soul. He has done his best to even alienate me from my own family. It has all backfired on him though because I refused to be his victim anymore. He is just a bully. Nothing more.

I now just laugh at his feeble attempts at trying to wind me up, gaslight me, turn people against me, the list is endless. He can see it's not working and is at a loss as to how to proceed. Yes he tries an underhand passive aggressive thing every now and again but it's just water off a ducks back to me and I just laugh at him in my own head.

He will end up a sad and lonely man with absolutely no self awareness because he doesn't want to. His Father is the same but my 2 boys will NOT end up like them. Because they are pathetic, weak fools and my boys are growing up to respect women, appreciate women, and communicate in a mature and reasonable fashion.

You can turn this around OP, one step at a time. Just keep pressing ahead, you will get there. It has taken me 3 years to come out of this, but out of it I have and I now smile and have fun every, single, day. I refused to let this man destroy me, and you can too xx

I agree with the PP that said your head is right. That is why you are posting on here. You need an outlet for it all. Your inner self is rebelling against his words and actions and quite rightly. Do you have a friend that would put you up for a bit?

@Samskara

My therapist said it was highly inappropriate, and he overstepped the boundaries. She said she believes me.

This was very validating to hear because I was a mess as she read out his email to me.

He won’t even allow me to have one person who will support me. I genuinely think he thought she was going to offer him some advice on how to “deal” with me.

That is 100% what a narcissist would think! My DM is a narcissist and she would love for the whole world to believe I'm a nasty, manipulative, crazy piece of crap

@Eckhart

I haven't rtft but I've read all your posts, OP.

Last weekend I ended up punching myself in the head because it all got too much. Meanwhile, he calls his parents and calls 999, because he was concerned about me

My head is just not right anymore I can’t remember a time it was

Believe it or not, this is proof that your head is right. It's proof that you are arguing for your truth, that you know your boundaries, and you know that they are being willfully crossed, time and again, by someone who is supposed to love you.

Your head is fine. You will know it the second you're away from him. You may have stuff to deal with, but you're nothing like as screwed as you think you are. You sound sane, and together. You sound sensible, but driven to the point of despair. You sound like you need a fucking break.

Right now, don't worry about the long job of getting out. Get out, first, psychologically. You'll slip quietly out the side door, psychologically, holding your sanity lovingly by the hand, and he won't even know you've gone.

This is how you do it: Your first assumption from now on is always that he is wrong, and you are right. That's something that you just know, from here on in. You know it like you know the sky is blue and hats go on heads. So, in the same way that if he told you that hats go on hands, you wouldn't get into an argument about it, you would just assume he's lost his marbles, that's how you deal with it when he invalidates you emotionally. You know your truth. Anybody, including him, can have an opinion about it, they can choose whether it's their truth or not. Doesn't matter. Your feelings are your own. Nobody can tell you different, because nobody knows what they feel like except you. Your feelings are the only place in the world where you have full and complete authority.

Don't argue with him, don't justify yourself, don't correct him. If he wants to believe that hats go on hands, that's up to him. If he wants to believe that your feelings are not to be respected, again, that's up to him: He can think what he likes.

But you know you. And that's where the strength is that will power your recovery. You can absolutely do it, and you're ready: That's why you posted here.

@Eckhart
Absolutely brilliant post.

This should be a mumsnet mantra, hats go on hands when being gaslighted, utterly pointless trying to get your point across to a narc.

Op you are not mad, this man knows exactly what he is doing, you are a sport to him.

Disengage with him and

detach
detach
detach

Give him no more fuel.
It's beyond evil what he's doing but you are not alone this has happened to many women on this forum.

Please please listen to your therapist and also the people on here. He is winding you up on purposes to causes the outbursts so he can tell people and be the victim in this. He had already learnt your pattern and was using it against you. You need to stand up for yourself. Ignore him. Literally just do not engage or speak to him unless necessary.
Can I ask how old your daughter is and how long is your plan to leave?
Your therapist could obviously see the problems and this is why she was so happy to here from you. She wants to help. Let her. And people here. You will feel such and empowerment and weight lifted when you do leave. You will get to a point where he has no control over you anymore and you can just laugh in his face at his attempts to wind you up.

in answer to your initial question, I would run - fast and far.

I see you have gotten excellent advice here.

I know how hard it is. I was with a man like him once. If you met me in real life you would never believe I would be the victim of manipulation and control.

It's beyond evil what he's doing but you are not alone this has happened to many women on this forum

And men. Anybody, male or female, can be a victim of a male or female narcissist. I was an adult victim of narcissistic abuse from a woman, having grown up with a narcissistic father. I firmly believe that we learn our lack of boundaries from our parents, from being shushed and told we're being silly, being told, essentially, that our emotions don't matter, they're not real, they're not valid, when we're kids. My father was violent towards my mum, and I had to just watch without expressing what I felt. That's an example of how a child can learn that their feelings don't matter.

I said on a thread earlier that I think that regarding this as something 'that men do to women' can easily lead a female victim of a male abuser to think that society needs to change in order for her problem to be fixed. It can discourage a woman from recognising that she needs to strengthen her own personal boundaries. This is not sexism. This is narcissism. We all need good boundaries, because narcissists like to attack the strong. The tougher the victim, the bigger the ego boost.

@Eckhart

True

You could approach even a Pope, but still he would probably forward you to Jesus.
Like all this help and support providers. Since November 2020 I'm sure I've contacted everyone, and first replys are encouraging, filling you up with hope, but time is passing and except this emails and phone calls you not getting anything.

I was in this scenario, and when I managed to gather some strength to apply for job, HE was appearing, out of nowhere, like he could sniff my confidence from miles away. Straight away he knocked me down. And being in such a toxic environment have an impact on my physical helth, that keeps me stuck in my flat.

So when I run out of my savings, in June I tried to get any food aid package....
in pain and shaking and crying i need to organise food collection from private people who are shearing their leftovers, and sometimes I'm not eating 2-3 day.

Maybe I'm the only one how didn't get support that simply deserve it.

I think it is a mistake to tell him what the therapist says about him. Whatever else his faults are I think most of us would want to defend ourselves if someone we never met said we were emotionally abusing someone.

I'm not saying you shouldn't discuss that with her but I don't think it is helpful to tell him what she's said.

I think you are right to be planning to leave, if you have got to the point of getting physical about it you are in dangerous territory. Get out now, there will be financial help for you.

Just realised this is an old thread. I should have gone to specsavers.

This thread is 2 years old.

Please start you own thread. Piggy backing on this one will only lead to confusion.

God no, that is crossing a line in my book.

That is incredibly unethical of her, I’d email her a complaint.

i can relate to this 100%. Have you managed to get out? Xx

I haven't read the whole thread OP, but I feel for you. I have recently left a relationship where my reactions to bad behaviour was always the main focus. And because I'm 'emotional' that somehow invalidates my view point or feelings. I would get tongue tied and not be able to form sentences properly because I feared the judgement and misunderstanding.

He was going to therapy and he told me that he'd said to his therapist that he thought he would need to be my carer and that my son needed counselling because he was feeling abandoned by his dad (neither of which are even remotely true). I wish I could have emailed the therapist to be honest with you because his story to the therapist was a version of me that wasn’t the real me but rather someone overwhelmed by the stress and drama his life brought into mine.

Remember, someone's perception of you, doesn't define you.

Just realised this thread has been resurrected for the 2nd time 😂