Page 5 | My partner emailed my therapist

Cheeseandwin5 · 15/12/2020 16:28

Yet this weekend he decided to email my therapist an entire essay putting forward his “side”.

I don't quite understand why he thinks he has a side to put over?
Why does he think that the sessions are you slating and blaming him for stuff?

I see some ppl are excusing you violence towards him. It was very brave of you to admit it, and I hope you can work towards controlling your aggressive tendencies.

If you have already decided the relationship is over and its just getting your ducks in a row- just do your best to ignore his comments and actions. The will just upset you and cause you to react. Just concentrate on sorting yourself and hold as a further proof why you want him out of your life.

iwanttoridemybicycleiwant · 15/12/2020 16:29

You poor thing.

SOME might say that if he is "sad" and "a broken man" why doesn't he FTHO and go make someone else's life "special"...

PortraitOfAWoman · 15/12/2020 16:29

I've not read the 5 pages of posts here @Samskara but knowing a lot of therapists as friends and colleagues, I doubt they read it.

They should and would probably have deleted it.

Have you spoken to them since he emailed?

PortraitOfAWoman · 15/12/2020 16:35

Having read your other posts it seems that she did read his email (and read it back to you?)
I think that is unethical.
Sorry.

I know a lot about therapy and did similar work at one time in my career.

I would have deleted it and not read it.

She cannot work with both of you so she ought to have not read it.
IF she has she should not have mentioned it.

Put it behind you and work on getting away.

Charcutaria · 15/12/2020 16:39

@Cheeseandwin5
I see some ppl are excusing you violence towards him. It was very brave of you to admit it, and I hope you can work towards controlling your aggressive tendencies
Have you bothered to read the thread? If you have then you are an extremely cruel person to make this comment.

Original poster

Samskara · 15/12/2020 16:43

I do get shouty and aggressive but only after I’ve expressed being hurt about something he has done to me, and I get met with an attack on my parenting, and many examples of how I’ve not been nice to him either. I’m not the most happiest of mums but I’m a good mum and my daughter knows I try my best despite being sad everyday and that I love her.

The examples he gives to prove to me “I’m just the same as him” never take into account that I I’ve been the victim first. And my behaviour is reacting to that. It’s really confusing, and it’s only recently I’ve begun to see the pattern. I’m not excusing my behaviour in the slightest, and he shamed me about it often. But I often tell him I feel like a poked animal in a cage.

I suffer with CPTSD as a result of a lifetime of abuse from parents, and multiple adult sex trauma (not by him) as well as other partners who have given me their fair share of emotional and physical abuse too.

I don’t act rationally I realise that. I look and sound a mess most days. Again I’m really not excusing myself, and I know I shouldn’t have done it. But I’ve never been loved before apart from my daughter. I don’t know what it feels like.

Last weekend I ended up punching myself in the head because it all got too much. Meanwhile, he calls his parents and calls 999, because he was concerned about me.

My head is just not right anymore I can’t remember a time it was.

OP posts:

nosswith · 15/12/2020 16:52

Totally unreasonable to email, regardless of why you are seeing a therapist. Only exception might be if you asked to say you could not make an appointment.

ancientgran · 15/12/2020 16:55

I hope she didn't read it.

queenofknives · 15/12/2020 16:59

You're not rational with him BECAUSE OF HIM. When someone persistently abuses and gaslights you, they deprive you of rationality. They create another world for you to live in, and it is full of lies and contradictions, and everything is always your fault. If you say 'white' he'll say you said 'black' and have you doubting your own mind and questioning if you really did, or screaming at him that you didn't. People get extremely frustrated and distressed when they are being gaslighted, so give yourself a break about not reacting 'perfectly'. He knows fine well what he's doing here.

You've identified 'the pattern' - that means you can break it. Don't play into his game next time. Just say 'okay' and carry on.

There are some very good resources for people in your situation - sadly you are not the first person to be the victim of a soulless toxic narcissist. Youtube is great - some people you could look up include Dr Ramani and the lovely Dr Les Carter. They - and many other therapists, psychologists and survivors of narcissistic abuse - talk about the patterns and the effects that these people create in your life and how to start seeing your way out. You might find some of these resources helpful.

I agree with pp that the sooner you can get away from this man, the better. He will do everything he can to keep you in his power - but you are yet to find and unleash your own power. You will. And you will get over this and find new happiness in life. Sending you strength and

JamieLeeCurtains · 15/12/2020 16:59

" [this is not]... what therapy is. It’s about you and working through your issues, not establishing the ‘truth’ of the situation."

I agree. A lot. And OP, and everyone else in similar shoes, absolutely don't do bloody '"couples' counselling". As far as your partner is concerned, it's just an opportunity to manipulate the counsellor into taking sides - their side.

StamfordHill · 15/12/2020 17:00

This reply has been deleted

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NewYearNewPlumbing · 15/12/2020 17:01

Oh OP.

You have been through a huge amount, and are still going through it.

It doesn't honestly sound as if you can become healthier living with him. He is undermining you, attacking you emotionally...it's too much.

You are working hard to heal yourself...but he is tearing you down. It must be exhausting and utterly discouraging.

I do think contacting Women's Aid is a good idea.

It might take ages to get through, etc.

You could also make an appointment with CAB and check all the benefits and support you would be able to access - ask them what are the ways that you could manage financially.

Is your home mortgaged, or rented? LA? or private?

You are a good and loving Mum.

You could be a good, and loving, and happy Mum.

NewYearNewPlumbing · 15/12/2020 17:04

@StamfordHill

Hmmm, I wonder (actually I don't) what people would have said had the sides been reversed. You know if a man had come in complaining that his wife gave her side of the story, but really he's the victim because she's so nagging and demanding, and he only occasionally lets his anger 'get out' (through his fist)...

Double standards anyone?

Therapy is not about wrong v right, and one side winning. It is about the individual understanding themselves, for good or otherwise, learning, finding the right way forwards.

You seem to think it is a bit like Judge Rinder.

Franklyfrost · 15/12/2020 17:09

It’s not okay to bully someone because they disagree with you or to physically attack someone because they won’t agree with you or to be someone’s partner for money when you despise them. Yes, you’re traumatised but hurting others won’t help you heal.

Reading your posts it sounds like you are doing the best you can. Keep on getting help. You don’t say what your partner said to your therapist but there are various situations in which he might reach out with good intentions. Good luck.

Dullardmullard · 15/12/2020 17:34

@Cheeseandwin5

Yet this weekend he decided to email my therapist an entire essay putting forward his “side”.

I don't quite understand why he thinks he has a side to put over?
Why does he think that the sessions are you slating and blaming him for stuff?

I see some ppl are excusing you violence towards him. It was very brave of you to admit it, and I hope you can work towards controlling your aggressive tendencies.

If you have already decided the relationship is over and its just getting your ducks in a row- just do your best to ignore his comments and actions. The will just upset you and cause you to react. Just concentrate on sorting yourself and hold as a further proof why you want him out of your life.

Do you understand being goaded and taunted to the point of no return for days, weeks, even years as he is doing in the OP and subsequent posts. We all have a breaking point and he knows hers.

CorianderQueen · 15/12/2020 17:38

I would be angry. Your therapist isn't there to 'take sides' or cast judgement but to be a safe place for you to process and work on your mental health.

Massively intrusive of him and seems like he can't bear to be out of control of the situation.

Danni91 · 15/12/2020 17:39

Good luck I think this is full on toxic and you both have multiple abusive ways but all that matters now is separating tbh.
I think if a woman was posting saying 'my husband shoved me because i was asking him to explain stuff to me' 'he says i drove him too it by my constant questions and talking'

It would be a completely different story.

I dont think there is ever an excuse to lay hands on anyone no matter how much theyre pissing you off or making you brain numb.

I wish i could offer something more constructive but i cant, you've had lots of advice but hurting your partner i can not support.

I do however understand the emotional abuse and tbh if you are in the UK you can move any time, go back home, 300 miles I'm assuming north to south or vise versa.

Benefits happen & council houses happen. Mummy baby units, domestic violence shelters, food banks.

You have 1 child a horrible relationship and no family there. Money aint keeping you there. You dont need thousands for a depoist you just need a train fare a plan and a fresh start.

Bluetrews25 · 15/12/2020 17:40

You won't get better until you get out.
Hope that day comes soon.

Eckhart · 15/12/2020 17:41

I haven't rtft but I've read all your posts, OP.

Last weekend I ended up punching myself in the head because it all got too much. Meanwhile, he calls his parents and calls 999, because he was concerned about me

My head is just not right anymore I can’t remember a time it was

Believe it or not, this is proof that your head is right. It's proof that you are arguing for your truth, that you know your boundaries, and you know that they are being willfully crossed, time and again, by someone who is supposed to love you.

Your head is fine. You will know it the second you're away from him. You may have stuff to deal with, but you're nothing like as screwed as you think you are. You sound sane, and together. You sound sensible, but driven to the point of despair. You sound like you need a fucking break.

Right now, don't worry about the long job of getting out. Get out, first, psychologically. You'll slip quietly out the side door, psychologically, holding your sanity lovingly by the hand, and he won't even know you've gone.

This is how you do it: Your first assumption from now on is always that he is wrong, and you are right. That's something that you just know, from here on in. You know it like you know the sky is blue and hats go on heads. So, in the same way that if he told you that hats go on hands, you wouldn't get into an argument about it, you would just assume he's lost his marbles, that's how you deal with it when he invalidates you emotionally. You know your truth. Anybody, including him, can have an opinion about it, they can choose whether it's their truth or not. Doesn't matter. Your feelings are your own. Nobody can tell you different, because nobody knows what they feel like except you. Your feelings are the only place in the world where you have full and complete authority.

Don't argue with him, don't justify yourself, don't correct him. If he wants to believe that hats go on hands, that's up to him. If he wants to believe that your feelings are not to be respected, again, that's up to him: He can think what he likes.

But you know you. And that's where the strength is that will power your recovery. You can absolutely do it, and you're ready: That's why you posted here.

Treacletoots · 15/12/2020 17:45

My ex also pushed me to the point that I wanted to push him down the stairs. I didn't. But I also realised that it was the way he treated me made me a very angry, distressed and frankly disturbed person.

I can promise you, the moment you leave, or remove him, your mental health will improve immensely. It won't ever improve when you're around him. You're a good person. Don't live like this, you only get one life.

Original poster

Samskara · 15/12/2020 17:52

@Eckhart