The One Where Ross Has To Figure Out Clingfilm

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

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How’s that for a title?!

Well, I’ve done a deal on the car. Actually it drives very nicely. I can see it’s practical. And it’s not an old banger.

It’s not very me. But it is sensible, and sensible I must be.

Actually got some kip last night. 9-5.

How’s everyone else doing? Justilou is it warm in Oz? One of my best friends lives there and I haven’t seen her for too long. RandomMess have you managed to have a better night / find out when you’re going home?

I haven’t told him about handing it over to the solicitor and no mediation on Friday yet. Waiting for the notes and financial summery from the mediator first. Hopefully today.

Domestic abuse isn't just physical violence, but you know that. It's also insidious and creeping, think of the frog in the pan, by the time you realise what it is, it's reached a level of behaviour that from an outside perspective is extreme and frightening.

You have people around you who want to support you. The police, your solicitor, your friends, all of us here. No one is judging you. The reason his behaviour is escalating is because you are breaking his control, because you've got the measure of him now, and you're not taking it any more.

It's not the first time he's said something really awful to your kids though, I remember your old thread, it might be worth a re read of that before you talk to the police again.

You can do this, you are so very nearly there, and you are doing the very best thing you can for your girls. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer, and you can get there.

OP you're not a statistic you're a strong mother who is doing something very uncomfortable to make a better life for yourself and your children. You are giving your children the message that you don't have to live an unhappy life, you have the power to change it!

Crying is okay, it's a release. Better than hitting him over the head with a frozen leg of lamb!

Take care strong lady, you're doing a fab job xx

Yes, it's insidious, & exacerbated now with Covid & people being restricted going to work or simply out & about.
You are getting stronger as your eyes are opening to his constant negativity, as your dad said, & blaming everyone else other than looking at how his lack of decent parenting leaves him moaning & complaining like a spoilt child.
You will have years to cover your Dds with love & time to recover, they will thank you for it.
How could we have known, when we were young & in love that our boyfriends were immature & unfit to be fathers ?
Also, in my case, I am so good at filling the gaps & preempting the damage he is capable of wielding that my dcs were largely protected from his incompetence & selfishness. I am sure yours are too.

Polly, you are so very strong to have survived so far and to have realised that you couldn’t take it anymore. You are strong enough to have ended it. You are a fucking warrior to have protected your kids from this monster!!! Trust me!!! I am so hard on women who keep excusing their husbands and being soggy jellyfish. You haven’t been minimising his behaviour so that you didn’t have to do anything about it, darling... you have grabbed the bull by the horns, looked him in the eye and smacked him on the nose!
Let me tell you a little secret. I’m 48 now, but my mum was a violent, angry woman who belittled and humiliated me, she physically and psychologically tortured me because she blamed me for her unhappiness. My father used to get me on side and “be my friend” all the time. When I asked my father to help me with the situation, he shrugged and said “What do you want me to do about it? You know what she’s like...” I knew his line in the sand was drawn. I knew in that moment there was no friendship.

Thank you all. I'm reading and rereading, trying to take it all on board.

I'm so sorry that others have been in this situation too.

I just managed to move the removal company and my tenancy forward to Friday 15th - and my business partner is being completely supportive, so everything lined up. I've yet to tell him that I'm moving it forward to that date though.

I keep remembering all the times I didn't feel comfortable to make a phone call, worrying about being late back from somewhere etc.

Spoke to the estate agent this morning, he's sent a jackbooty email about his exchange or pulling out - the first thing she said to me is that this is a man on the edge and wanting to regain control, and am I ok? That if I need it, she has rental properties on her books which she has the keys for and can rush through. Aren't people kind?

He's still very wary of me. The girls are being very affectionate and loving with me which is lovely.

Good suggestion about rereading my other thread. Not looked at it in a while. Might be an idea to copy and paste some of it (not all of it) into an email to myself so I can have it to refer to with the police.

I so appreciate you all.

Well done bringing the move forward, that's the best thing you could have done. And absolutely make sure you have everything lined up for when you speak with the police. Lastly, hang on to that estate agent - if he does kick off, you know you'll have somewhere to go.

You can do this.

You have really done the right thing with the police.

Read over your older thread.
Make notes for the police.

Give them an honest picture.

If your daughter has emotional problems and she has a father as you have described, of course it is highly likely the two are connected.

Perhaps you will be able to source support like play therapy for her, to help her process everything.

I think her knowing the police had to be told how wrong her father was, at a later date might be very helpful.

Also constantly reinforcing that she and her sister were in NO way involved in your marital break up.

It was an adult ONLY issue.

Her father couldn't accept that YOU did not want to live with HIM anymore and he wanted to blame someone.
He was very wrong.

Repeating this whenever you can will hopefully help her.

The police being involved will hopefully make him a LOT more wary of you.

Well done, you're doing really well. You were already taking the steps you needed to before this happened, so try to be kind to yourself.

Are the kids ok now? Did they take it to heart, or brush it off?

What a lovely estate agent.
I’m glad you’re moving sooner.

Oh Polly i am so glad you've got such good support around you, even from strangers.

Forcing some lunch down before I go out.

@LannieDuck they are a bit quiet and keep coming back in to see me (I'm meant to be working today, not achieving much!) but they're doing ok.

I've just told my brother. He's absolutely horrified and it's a good job he lives on the other side of the Channel! I've also told a very dear friend of mine and she was extremely supportive, offered to come with me this afternoon, and spent a good half an hour reassuring me I've done the right thing telling the police.

Do I need to tell Gellar that I've seen the police? Or just keep that for after the move? I kind of want to make a dramatic statement after I've moved out (possibly with a cloak to swish or a door to slam!) about how this won't be tolerated and I will not enable it.

@billy1966 she already attends play therapy. I've just emailed her therapist and have a call with her later this week. She already knows some of what is going on.

No. Do not tell him about the police. That would put you at risk.

Don't tell him about the police. Your safety and your DDs' safety comes first, and he has already shown that he's capable of being unpredictable and explosive.

I completely agree with not telling him about the police. That would be like waving a red flag to a bull.

I also think that now is the time to be completely honest with your dd's play therapist. Having all this on record in various places can only be a good thing. It will remain conduit you never require it but will be there if needed in the future.

A diary of events would also be useful. If you can, back date to any incidents that you remember. I used my diary as evidence when I went to court for non mol/occ order.

You are doing all the right things. I think once you are out and settled, you will remember other times that his behaviour has been obviously abusive and that you have had to 'handle' to protect the dcs.

I still remember events with a lightbulb moment and I am three years post leaving and a year on from divorce.

As others have said, don't tell him about the police, it will antagonise him, and that makes you vulnerable. Do tell your solicitor, and send them a copy of anything the police give you so they have a record.

Good on your friend, I would do the same for any one of my own friends. Don't be afraid to lean on them, or feel guilty, they won't mind, and when it's your turn to support them, you can repay them in kind.

I wouldn't tell him about the police now, but the second I was safely moved out, I would:

• Tell him exactly what you reported, and the reasons you didn't feel safe enough to tell him before;

• Discuss with the police all options available to you for having some official restriction in place (police marker on new house in case he turns up? Possibly non-mol?)

• Tell him outcome of exploring options, eg that you've been advised to have a police marker on your new home, he is not welcome there, if he turns up you will call the police as routine.

• Tell your children about the police involvement and the outcome, eg that dad has been warned that such behaviour is not ok and that if it happeds again he will be in trouble. This is so important. Right now, what they are seeing is a man being aggressive and having no consequences. They are seeing a cowed mum keep the peace. Don't think that it's best to move forward and say no more - they will remember this all their lives, so make the outcome one they can leanr from. Bullies get their comeuppance, men do not have the right to intimidate and attack.

• Think about access. your girls might not want to spend much time with him for a while, or do over nights (no way would I be happy with the latter tbh). Think smart - he will want access to be his next battlefield for control. The more in writing you have, the more paper trail you have, of his unacceptable behaviour - the more ammunition you have to make sure that you can minimise this - proof of aggressive and erratic behaviour could help you ensure that he sees them during the day only, for example.

Perhaps keep it too yourself OP.

But please log your house, so if you have ANY trouble from him you can call 999 and they will come quickly.

I think if there is ANY other incident he should be removed from the house.

You and your children are entitled to peace.

Glad to read that your daughter is attending play therapy.
I believe it can be very helpful.

Good news re advancing the moving date.
You need to decide, & if it is the case, tell the girls that moving to new homes, means that you will both have your own spaces & that you do not expect to go into his home, & he will not be coming to yours, not for a quick coffee, not for a sandwich, not waiting for them to get ready.
He is not your friend, & it looks like it is getting more aggressive all the time.
He should not come in to your house, making snarky remarks & commenting that you have taken his furniture or saying its not as good as his etc. Your home is your haven.

Good talk with a really lovely officer. It’s been noted and they have my new address on file. Social services won’t be notified and she’s talked me through some options of what to do next, and is happy to refer me on for support for me and the kids now or when I’m out. Because I’m moving out they won’t take further action as an offence hasn’t actually been committed.

I’m happy I’ve done what was necessary and protected the girls.

She agreed with all of you - don’t tell him.

Just before I left the house I told him that I’m moving on the 15th. Went down like a lead balloon.

11 days to go. I'm counting them down with you.

Glad the police treated you well.

Coercive control is an offence, so their comments are a bit concerning on that front, but the rest seems sensible and if you're safe then for now that's what matters.

Delurking to tell you that things will be better - I 100% promise you that.

Apologies for the long post, but you reminded me so much of me (apart from the church going and cooking) during my split that I wanted to give you a nudge to keep going, you'll get there.

I made the decision to split with my ex in Aug 2018 - we'd been together for about 22 years and there was a bit of an age gap. Over time, he became controlling (I could only go to work and back alone and god forbid I didn't answer my mobile). If he did come along to days/nights out, he was grumpy and so tight with cash I used to ask if we were doing Krypton Factor if we were expected to equally sure two sandwich, packs, three cans of pop and four packets of crisps between five of us for lunch. Back then our household income would've been about 85k - yet we never had a holiday abroad as he hated flying, we went camping most of the time and drove shifty second hand cars which broke down constantly- but it was ok for him as he had a work van. I did all the childcare arrangements and school related stuff, despite working ft and earning more than him. And one day I just had enough. Enough of him constantly moaning about the kids and the state of their bedrooms, moaning about them maki g a noise, moaning about absolutely everything. Gave him three chances to change and he didn't. We went to financial mediation to sort those out as I was doing the divorce online - as he refused to pay for any of it. Mediation was an eye opener and surprisingly even the mediator clearly thought he was a prick by the second session.

Soooo anyway, asked him to leave in Sept 18 (as he couldn't afford to buy me out, but I could him). He didn't start looking at rentals until early Dec and finally moved out on 4th Jan. the period in between was awful, he wouldn't leave the house, wouldn't contribute in any way to the runnjng of the house, wouldn't shop or feed the kids (at that point he was on sick leave, 100% pay whilst I was still working). He refused to let me sleep alone in the marital bed, so I ended up in my youngest's bed - which wasn't great. He'd get drunk every night and tell me exactly what he thought of me. Luckily my best friend lives two mins drive away and I spent a lot of time there, mainly getting drunk and walking home when I thought he'd be asleep. She also talked me out of stopping the whole divorce process more than once when it got too much.

He left on 4th jan 2019, had the kids twice a week at most in his new two bed rental (despite having three kids and being able to afford bigger). I knew from the start I'd end up having them full time - but I wanted it to be his decision so the kids would've blame me later if you know what I mean, but I wish I'd just put my foot down sooner - like from March 2019 - when he was awful to them. Like you, I have one child who has mental health/ emotional issues which are ongoing and it's very probably he was a large contributor. However he decided in Sept 2019 that he couldn't cope with the kids and their behaviour and didn't want them to stay with him anymore but he didn't want to give me any more money - surprise. He then moved 250 miles away with someone he'd met five months previously who hates the kids and has gone on to sick pay - meaning I get no maintenance now.

But, I really couldn't give less of a rat's ass. The kids dislike him immensely (his own fault) and hardly see him. They are so much more full of life and far more open and chatty than when he was here and will hang out downstairs rather than lurking in their rooms. I don't mind if they want to slob about during the weekend as long as the basic chores they have are completed. We're in Covid times, what else is there to do? Schoolwork has Improved and we (I think) all have a good relationship.

I got some counselling about 6 months after he left and found that helped me hugely (and I'm the least likely person to have expected that). I also started to prioritise me for the first time ever - bought a spa (had always wanted one), bought a new car, got a tattoo - basically lived like a teenager with an adults wage for a bit. Almost savoured the freedoms I'd never had when I was with him during my late teens through to 39.

I'm now divorced and it's brilliant. Do what I want, when I want, how I want and only have to take the kids into consideration. If you don't pay my costs you don't get a say (and that includes my mother 😂). Our Financial Consent Order is still ongoing as he refuses to pay for legal advice - doesn't bother me as I'm paying him and the agreed amount has been in my bank account for almost two years now. Maybe he'll get hit by a bus and I won't need to pay out!?

I know you're in the worst part of the process, the last few weeks and days. I had a countdown on my phone and my best mate would text me every morning without fail to say "14 days to go" etc, which let know someone else also couldn't wait for him to fuck off and leave us all alone. On the evening of his departure, I had a leaving party for him. He wasn't invited, but my friends and I had a great time. And that's another thing I've noticed, pre lockdown, my house was a lot busier after he left. Friends popping in for coffee, coming round for drinks or dinner or off the cuff. Wouldn't have happened with him there as he was a dark cloud in the corner, waiting for someone to entertain him and pull him into the conversation. I don't miss it at all.

This time next month, you'll be in your new place, you'll be free of second guessing someone else's mood waiting for them to swear or stomp or be huffy. You and the children can eat beans on toast for a week, if that's what you want, because you don't have to cater for "meat and two veg man". And every horrible moment that you've put up with to get there will be absolutely worth it. You've got the Mumsnet massive behind you too - we know you can do it

@MisfitNotMissFit

Heartening to read👏👏

Wow @MisfitNotMissFit - so many parallels- thank you for sharing, it’s made me feel better.

2 things to ask you all about:

Any recommendations for how I tell him I’m not going to be doing mediation any more?

And

Can you give me your favourite saying for when times get tough? I feel I need something to keep me going.

Mine is: it’s at the corner of life that the wind blows sharpest.

As one of my favourite characters in one of my favourite books says, it sounds awfully uplifting but does mean a damn thing.

Maybe I’ll embroider it on a sampler to hang in the downstairs loo 🤣

Feeling stronger tonight. Doubtless that’ll take a hit after the 8pm announcement- but let’s all of us keep our fingers crossed that house moves can still go ahead...