The One Where Ross Has To Figure Out Clingfilm

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Previous thread

How’s that for a title?!

Well, I’ve done a deal on the car. Actually it drives very nicely. I can see it’s practical. And it’s not an old banger.

It’s not very me. But it is sensible, and sensible I must be.

Actually got some kip last night. 9-5.

How’s everyone else doing? Justilou is it warm in Oz? One of my best friends lives there and I haven’t seen her for too long. RandomMess have you managed to have a better night / find out when you’re going home?

I haven’t told him about handing it over to the solicitor and no mediation on Friday yet. Waiting for the notes and financial summery from the mediator first. Hopefully today.

@StuckInPollyannaMode as an officer I can tell you what happens in our force but they're all different. What I will say is this. I absolutely do support you 'logging it' but be prepared for the response. Police have a duty to ensure your safety so it is extremely unlikely they will just accept your phone call and leave it there. We have to ask to see you and to fill out a risk assessment. They will be looking for those red flags your friend talked about. They will ask to come to you or you to go to them. This is a good thing and it's for your welfare. But, you have the right to say what you want. If you don't want to you don't have to albeit one our force they will push for that. Be clear about what you want to do. Emotional abuse unfortunately is not a crime although controlling and coercive behaviour is. Again I can only say in our force but social services are notified as well here. If they've no other reports or concerns then it would likely be 'filed' which you can ask for a copy of for court proceedings.

I definitely would recommend you report it if it scared you and you fear further outbursts. I also recommend you keep a log of all the incidents. But mostly I think you are doing excellent and should keep on keeping on for two more weeks.

OP,

I appreciate you are very close to this but your children went to bed crying last night because of the emotional abuse of their father.

Your eldest is clearly traumatised by what she witnessed.

This is not drama.
This is what you have written.

They are depending on you to be the adult in the house.

You need to log this and flag it for the appalling attack on your children that it was.

He is loosing control.

Your children need to be protected from being forced to being looked after by a man who has the capacity for this.

It is easier for you to brush it under the table because you are worn out, I get that.

Your daughter's need you to do this for them today.

The fact that this man who never apologises has now done so multiple times is telling.

He's probably worried that it will impact how much it will affect custody arrangements and therefore his CM payments. I don't mean to be rude about him but that has been his primary motivator all along.

Clutching at straws here, but can you just go to a holiday cottage or an air B&B with your girls? Tell them it is a mini-holiday? I guess covid rules or lack of ready cash might make it impossible. You could pay a removal company to do the rest of the packing, but complicated if yours and his stuff is still mixed up so they wouldn't know what to pack.
I am so sorry you are going through this, just wish I had something more useful to say.

TBH I would be insisting that if he is truly sorry then he needs to stay elsewhere for a couple of weeks.

@RandomMess

TBH I would be insisting that if he is truly sorry then he needs to stay elsewhere for a couple of weeks.

This. 100% this.

I’ve called 101. An officer is going to call me back. I feel sick.

If I don’t answer they will come out.

Yes, in the wake of this you absolutely should be looking to protect your children by reporting with a view to them being prevented from overnight contact at the very least. This is appalling.

In the short term, I would also argue that your children really, REALLY need to see and feel that they are protected from this behaviour and that it's not ok with anyone - that yes, the police will come out to check that they are ok. Yes Mum will not accept something like this for a moment. Yes a huge, huge boundary has been crossed and there are consequences for their dad.

The fact that your first concern at calling the police is 'he'll go nuts' is so telling - he needs to be out of the house, for your childrens' sake he needs to 'go nuts' and then have the full force of the law come right down on him. That's how your children get protection - by this twat trying to throw his weight around and you immediately handing him over to authority to be dealt with. Line crossed. The end. God damn yes you should be preventing him seeing them! - until THEY feel safe, can see he has been put in his place, and THEY want to see him!

You are doing the right thing op even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

Calling the police was the right thing to do

Even though the usual rule is that bad-mouthing your ex to you children is a big no-no, it is more important to tell them the factual truth when needed. Don't feel you can't tell your girls that what daddy did was wrong, that he should not have shouted, and that it is definitely not their fault you are splitting up.
If they ask more questions, you can say something like 'some people don't know how to be sad or cry, so they get angry instead. Daddy is not sad at you, but he is very sad we are separating.'
Never be afraid to tell them the truth.
Apologies if this is patronising and you have already said all this to your girls. I hope this helps.

I’m petrified I’ll miss the call and they’ll turn up.

He’s home now and isn’t going out again. There’s no phone signal in the village so I can’t go out for a walk.

Seriously regretting calling them.

So you are mainly afraid of and concerned for his aggression and his reaction? Even though them turning up and giving him a warning and checking that everyone in your home is ok is EXACTLY what should happen?

Then he needs to not live there and you need to protect your daughters.

OP

Get in touch with your anger.

You called them because he totally abused your children last night.

They went to bed crying because their father terrorised them.

You need to get mad at him.

How dare he terrorise your children.

This is not about your marriage or separating, this is about him scaring the hell out of your children.

For your children to go to bed crying last night is horrific.

They will NEVER forget this. EVER.

He was very very wrong.

He did this to the children because he thought he could.

Stop feeling sorry for him and feel sorry for those poor children that have had the spectacle of their father going crazy with anger, and blaming two little girls for his marriage break up.

He's nothing but a bully.

Find your anger.

If anyone did that to my children I'd want to kill them, the police would be the least of it.

Lovely lady rang me. Going to see her tomorrow afternoon at the police station. They just want to see me to be sure I’m ok and to know the kids are ok. They checked I didn’t want anyone to come out and that I was safe. She said she understood it was difficult for me to speak and they have my details so if I need them at any time to just ring 999 and leave my phone on the side, they would come straight out.

I feel a lot better. Thank you for encouraging me.

I know it’s the right thing to do, it’s just scary.

I know it feels terrifying and you feel guilty for escalating this, worried about the impact on his temper and prospects. That is all understandable but you have 100% done the right thing for your daughters.

Can you ever imagine saying what he said to them? No, because even in anger, you have limits and levels of behaviour, that I'm sorry to say he doesn't.

It is incredibly damaging what he has said on their mental health and if he had physically hit them you wouldn't think twice. You've done the right thing, even if it feels like your stomach is in your boots. He made this mess NOT you or your daughters.

I’ve been lurking since the start and just want to say you are incredible, you can get through this and DON’T give up. 6 months from now your life and your girls’ lives will be better.

I know how scary this is, but you have 100% done the right thing. I've been there, pulse racing, shaking all over, having called 999 because my husband had twice threatened to kill me. The police took him away and he was not allowed back. My new life and my DDs' new life started that day. It may be a bit less dramatic for you, but your STBXH massively crossed the line and you have made a stand. Well done.

I've been battling a mega jigsaw with Dd & missed this last "losing of his his rag" I'm so glad you reported this, how dare he blame his ineptitude as a decent father & husband on his children.
Weak excuse of an adult.

Your children will never forget that their father blamed them for your marriage ending. I really don't think you understand how serious that is - my mother blamed me for her marriage ending, but I was 21 at the time...30 years later it still upsets me, and I still feel guilt and think maybe she was right (she wasn't, my father was a serial cheat).

Any time now that you or their father are upset, for any reason, they will blame themselves.

2 weeks is too long to continue to subject them to him in his current state of mind. Even if he's now acting the best Dad in the world, the atmosphere in the house will not be a happy one.

You need to remove them today.

Awake and crying

All I can hear is the police officer saying “what you’re describing is domestic abuse”

Have I been so weak and vulnerable I’ve unknowingly subjected my children to abuse? Is this why DD1 has emotional problems?

It was all a sham, wasn’t it? I thought I had a lovely life. Now I’m a statistic.

Thank you all for your advice. Will the police advise me on the way forward, or do I need to decide that? He’s never hit me or anything

I hope you’ve managed to go back to sleep. Our thoughts at this time of the night are never good.

Focus on the future. Getting out. Getting a new life with your lovely girls, and how happy and relaxed you’ll be.

What’s done is done, and once you’re out, you can then start to repair the damage.

I left my abusive and regularly angry DH after many years of thinking we were ‘ok’. Luckily, my DC were older, and they’ve not been subjected to quite the kind of damage your DGs have had, but it’s all work in progress for all of us.

You can, and will turn it around. You’re a brilliant mum.

Polly you are not weak you are strong, you are making a whole new life for you and yours. Neither have you subjected them to abuse, you are removing them from it.
Abusers are clever, manipulative, charming and can be subtly chipping away for years.
You have taken control
You are brave
You are doing the absolute best for your kids they will see you protecting them they will know you are their safe place
You are allowed to cry, it's a shitty thing to go through. You are brilliant, keep going. We are all here for you.

Things feel very raw in the early hours and guilt can gnaw away at you, so don't beat yourself up. You are already taking your girls out of this awful situation, so you can build a happier childhood for them.
I too would be wary of his temper if he has unsupervised contact and by logging this nasty incident you have evidence if your concerns that he is unstable with the girls, should you need it.
I think other PPs are correct: something he didn't believe would happen; something that he thought he could prevent is actually happening and he is beginning to realise that. This realisation, that he has lost of control, resulted in his, unforgivable, outburst.
Subconsciously, perhaps he needs someone to hurt as much as he is; he can no longer hurt you so, in impotent frustration, turned on the children instead.

You have been so brave and strong. Nearly there