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Original poster

Help me feel better about being ditched for christmas day

139 replies

MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 13:08

backstory is: been with DP 10 months. Have formed a support bubble. he doesn't have kids. I have 2 (12, 18)

A while back DP and I said we would spend christmas day together at his. Everyone was excited by the plan.

Then the mixing households rule came in and his parents invited us and his brothers family for the day. We were all happy with this.

A few days later he explains his brother is too uncomfortable to have us all together so would go early for presents but leave before we get there.

I felt really guilty that his kids would be missing out on their normal Christmas day and DP kept remarking that it wouldn't be good fun for my kids without the others so it felt like he wasn't keen for this plan. I said I would be happy to step out of the plans for his parents and go back to the original plan if that felt fairer. He quickly agreed to this.

He had said before he hasn't always gone to them for Christmas and wasn't overly bothered etc. But when he was talking about it he made it clear that I would be doing Christmas at my house with my kids and he'd go join the others. I thought the original plan was the one where we would be together.

I didn't say anything at the time because he seemed so pleased to have 'sorted Christmas' after a bit of back and forth. He had already put the plans to everyone and everyone seemed happy.

Except me. I really feel like I have been ditched for Christmas. He has made some comment about popping around late afternoon if he felt up to it but that he would need to go home and not stay at mine.

I feel like an utter brat. I have spent 12 years as a single mum at Christmas. I know it sounds pathetic but I was loving the idea of waking up with a loved one on Christmas morning. Having someone to love me rather than have all the focus being on the kids. I thought doing dinner together would be fun and make a nice change. I just had a childish romantic vision of the day.

It is too late to say anything now but I just feel so sad and sidelined. Help me get over myself and please give me a gentle shake!

OP posts:
Livandme · 13/12/2020 13:11

Ask him to stay over on Xmas eve?

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 13:12

That was long sorry!

And self indulgent too. I just wanted him to want to spend Christmas day with me.

I asked via text about Christmas eve and he didn't answer it at all. I don't want to push it and I am worried it will come across as bratty when I am usually very laid back about everything.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 13/12/2020 13:15

I don't think you are being a brat for wanting a loving partner to share Christmas Day with you. He is being selfish.

Except me. I really feel like I have been ditched for Christmas. He has made some comment about popping around late afternoon if he felt up to it but that he would need to go home and not stay at mine.
This ^ says it all. He is putting himself first & doesn't really care the effect it has on you. I hope you haven't gone overboard on his present. I hope you have a lovely day with your children. They love you Flowers

AppleKatie · 13/12/2020 13:16

He has ditched for Christmas- you feel shit because he has treated you badly. Please let him know how you feel.
If he doesn’t care... well, I still think it’s better to know that.

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 13:19

Thank you coffee.

We will have a lovely day - I always make sure the kids get that. I just have always felt a little lonely at Christmas and this year I was pleased to not have to feel that until the plans changed.

It is right that his parents and brother get their usual happy Christmas after the year we have all had so I am ok with that part of the change of plans. If it were a big deal to him to be there too I would understand more. But he has said several times he's not that fussed. But he'd still rather do that then see me? It's got me a little worried about us to be honest.

OP posts:
Plastichearts · 13/12/2020 13:22

He obviously doesn’t want to see you if he has ignored the Christmas Eve invitation and doesn’t want to stay Christmas night. It’s up to you how significant you think that is. You know him and the situation etc. You are definitely not being a ‘brat.’

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 13:28

I have just asked again about Christmas Eve. I will see what he says.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 13/12/2020 13:30

I can see why you’re a little worried about you to be honest. It just seems very thoughtless, and all about him. Which for him doesn’t seem to be about you.

TokyoSushi · 13/12/2020 13:32

Ah OP, that sounds a bit rubbish Flowers

How long have you been together?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 13/12/2020 13:32

Sorry @MerryBratmas but it sounds as though you are not a priority to him, more a convenience. You need to decide what you want from this relationship & whether he can be the partner that you want. If he is normally as selfish as this, it does not bode well as it will always be you at the bottom of the wish list.

Get the kids involved in making the dinner. They are old enough! Make plans together for the three of you & I would personally be unavailable the next few times he fancies popping over. If he mentions again that he will drop in if he is up to it, breezily say you'd rather he didn't as you now have plans. Let him know he is no longer a priority either Xmas Smile

TokyoSushi · 13/12/2020 13:33

Oh I'm sorry, you did say in your first post!

LemmysAceCard · 13/12/2020 13:35

Well if it was me I would tell him you are too busy Christmas Day so would rather he didn’t pop round, if he doesn’t want to spend Christmas Day with you then why should he squeeze you in when he feels like it.

Then have a think if you want to continue with the relationship

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 13:39

It is starting to feel like I am not a priority.

We see each other once or twice during the week and then alternate sleeping at each others on a friday. We do odd little bits over the weekend too. I felt like this suited us both as I have been single a long time and didn't want to feel smothered suddenly.

It does feel like it's all a bit routine though.

I think he can veer a bit into the selfish side with his time but in many other ways he is really lovely and we get on very well. We talk for hours and laugh not stop.

I think I need to say something about Christmas really or I'm going to feel worse and worse.

OP posts:
User775633244 · 13/12/2020 13:42

I think it sounds like his parents are happy for you all to be together but his brother saying he is just coming for presents because of you and your kids. It sounds a little bit like emotional blackmail if I'm honest. He may have good reasons though, as this will be four households mixing.

I take it your DPs parents would rather have their son and his family to stay for dinner, over you and your kids ( just naturally, no insult to you). So , it has all turned into a bit of a mess and your dp was left in a difficult position.

I would give him a break personally, families can be difficult and after a year like this year.... Even more so.

user42579522 · 13/12/2020 13:43

I am worried it will come across as bratty when I am usually very laid back about everything.

By laid back do you mean usually you are passive, allow people to walk over you, put yourself last and never assert (or value) your own needs, wants or feelings?

It's not "bratty" to have needs and emotions, nor is it "bratty" to communicate them or expect to be treated with consideration and respect.

Assertiveness is a good thing, not something to avoid at all cost.

Thingsdogetbetter · 13/12/2020 13:45

I disagree that you've been unreasonably ditched. He's found out that his family/brother wasn't happy with mixing and has chosen his family over a gf of 10 months. Was he supposed to ditch his family for yours? I'm surprised that his parents were willing to integrate a gf of less than a year and her children into their Christmas. I'm presuming you don't know them that well if you've been together less than a year and because of covid restrictions.

Plans seem to have been made without consideration of all the people involved - his brother for example. He may not have always gone to his family, but this is an odd year and it looks like his family really want him there. Then you built up this dream of having a loved one with you after years of being a single mum at xmas. He's between a rock and a hard place. His family or yours. If I was his parents/brother I'd be pissed off if he chose a gf of 10 months over is at xmas.

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 13:46

We were counting DP and my family as one household as we have been in a bubble and not seen others during lockdown. He works from home and has't been out apart from here.

I felt they did have more right to go that is why I said we would step out. They were trying to be polite and wouldn't have asked us not to go. It just didn't feel right for their kids to have to leave early etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 13:49

@user42579522

I am worried it will come across as bratty when I am usually very laid back about everything.

By laid back do you mean usually you are passive, allow people to walk over you, put yourself last and never assert (or value) your own needs, wants or feelings?

It's not "bratty" to have needs and emotions, nor is it "bratty" to communicate them or expect to be treated with consideration and respect.

Assertiveness is a good thing, not something to avoid at all cost.

Yes, I do think I lack assertiveness. I don't want to ever cause a fuss so this would seem out of character if I acted upset I think.

You are right though. I should be able to voice this sort of thing to him.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 13/12/2020 13:49

I think if you look more closely at your relationship, you'll see that he's been selfish.

BenoneBeauty · 13/12/2020 13:51

Completely agree @HollowTalk

User775633244 · 13/12/2020 13:52

You and your dp are two households as far as I can see, and as far as his brother will see.

Eviebeans · 13/12/2020 13:53

It only counts as being laid back if you really don't mind. Otherwise it feels like you're tiptoeing around so as not to rock the boat... Only you know which it is. All I know is that the minute you start to settle for less is when you'll start to get less...

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 13:54

@Thingsdogetbetter

I disagree that you've been unreasonably ditched. He's found out that his family/brother wasn't happy with mixing and has chosen his family over a gf of 10 months. Was he supposed to ditch his family for yours? I'm surprised that his parents were willing to integrate a gf of less than a year and her children into their Christmas. I'm presuming you don't know them that well if you've been together less than a year and because of covid restrictions.

Plans seem to have been made without consideration of all the people involved - his brother for example. He may not have always gone to his family, but this is an odd year and it looks like his family really want him there. Then you built up this dream of having a loved one with you after years of being a single mum at xmas. He's between a rock and a hard place. His family or yours. If I was his parents/brother I'd be pissed off if he chose a gf of 10 months over is at xmas.

I have met them, they are natural hosts. Everyone is always invited to everything although obviously not with covid restrictions. They were really pleased to be able to finally have people over again.

I think initially his brother was ok with it. Then over the course of a few days had some concerns - I totally get that. No issue with his concerns at all and I am glad he raised them rather then feel uncomfortable in his own parents house.

I get what you are saying though. Which is why I asked for advice on how to get over it.

OP posts:
JudyGemstone · 13/12/2020 13:54

Personally I wouldn't want a boyfriend of less than a year to wake up with my kids on Christmas morning, I'm not sure they would be over the moon about it either.

It seems quite quick to be doing family occasions together to me, but I get that lockdown has escalated commitment for a lot of people.

Have a nice day with your kids and let him get on with his own thing. This would have been my preference anyway.

helpmum2003 · 13/12/2020 13:55

I can see why you are disappointed OP. I think you need to have an honest conversation with him.

It may be the wider family doesn't want a newish partner of 10 months at Xmas, along with covid, which is understandable. However the staying at yours Xmas Eve is a bit different. Where would his kids go Xmas Eve?