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Original poster

Help me feel better about being ditched for christmas day

139 replies

MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 13:08

backstory is: been with DP 10 months. Have formed a support bubble. he doesn't have kids. I have 2 (12, 18)

A while back DP and I said we would spend christmas day together at his. Everyone was excited by the plan.

Then the mixing households rule came in and his parents invited us and his brothers family for the day. We were all happy with this.

A few days later he explains his brother is too uncomfortable to have us all together so would go early for presents but leave before we get there.

I felt really guilty that his kids would be missing out on their normal Christmas day and DP kept remarking that it wouldn't be good fun for my kids without the others so it felt like he wasn't keen for this plan. I said I would be happy to step out of the plans for his parents and go back to the original plan if that felt fairer. He quickly agreed to this.

He had said before he hasn't always gone to them for Christmas and wasn't overly bothered etc. But when he was talking about it he made it clear that I would be doing Christmas at my house with my kids and he'd go join the others. I thought the original plan was the one where we would be together.

I didn't say anything at the time because he seemed so pleased to have 'sorted Christmas' after a bit of back and forth. He had already put the plans to everyone and everyone seemed happy.

Except me. I really feel like I have been ditched for Christmas. He has made some comment about popping around late afternoon if he felt up to it but that he would need to go home and not stay at mine.

I feel like an utter brat. I have spent 12 years as a single mum at Christmas. I know it sounds pathetic but I was loving the idea of waking up with a loved one on Christmas morning. Having someone to love me rather than have all the focus being on the kids. I thought doing dinner together would be fun and make a nice change. I just had a childish romantic vision of the day.

It is too late to say anything now but I just feel so sad and sidelined. Help me get over myself and please give me a gentle shake!

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 13/12/2020 18:02

@MerryBratmas, I think the fact that he hasn’t replied to your messages re Christmas Eve or the following evening would tick me off too - especially with quick agreement to change the original plans. Like you, I’d feel hurt by his indifference. Tbh I realllly wouldn’t be in a rush to let him move in any time soon - hold back, take your time and watch carefully how he treats you, and how careful he is of your feelings and those of your children. A bit harsh to sit and have all that nice chat about waking up together etc etc and then let it go without a backward glance....keep in mind going forward ‘actions speak louder than words’ and judge him on that. Talk is cheap.

Bluntness100 · 13/12/2020 18:10

There’s some real shit stirring going on here. Really giving the op a good kicking. God knows why some folks like to do that. Things like oh he’s lying it’s him, he’s not into you, blah blah, with no evidence for my of this. Honestly it’s shameful

He had committed to spend a family cmas. Due to Covid his brother wasn’t comfortable with the op and her kids there, which is reasonable. He offered to withdraw, so the ops boyfriend said he would. Obvs this is causing some discussion and I’m sure they were looking forward to being together as a family especially after a year like this.

The fact he accepted the op pulling out doesn’t mean he’s lying to her or isn’t into her it just means he gets to have the family Xmas they planned.

However though, I’d also agree Xmas day is a big thing cor kids and no way I’d have my children at a boyfriend of a few months parents for Xmas. These people will be virtual strangers to them,

Even though this is due to Covid, it’s had the right result

Fgs1 · 13/12/2020 18:24

If you’re in a bubble with him you have probably seen a lot more of him than his family have. Tbh I think you’re the selfish one

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 13/12/2020 18:35

Maybe his dbro feels your dc being there will take Xmas attention away from his dc wrt his dps....

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 18:37

@Fgs1

If you’re in a bubble with him you have probably seen a lot more of him than his family have. Tbh I think you’re the selfish one
Which part was selfish?
OP posts:
Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 18:39

@Fgs1

If you’re in a bubble with him you have probably seen a lot more of him than his family have. Tbh I think you’re the selfish one
I really doubt it is that. For a start, my DC are never going to be like their GC and won't ever take away any attention.

Like I said - their concerns are understandable and I was happy to make it easier for them and make sure they had a good Christmas by backing out. They wouldn't have asked us to do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 18:40

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

Maybe his dbro feels your dc being there will take Xmas attention away from his dc wrt his dps....
Sorry, last reply was supposed to be to this comment
OP posts:
Fgs1 · 13/12/2020 18:46

Just that you don’t seem to have any empathy for the fact that many people haven’t seen much of their older parents all year and the fragility of life has been made even more apparent, people are concerned over exposing themselves to additional people and it’s perfectly normal to want an exclusive family Christmas Day, it might be the last one they have together who knows. You've known him a mere ten months, why would his parents want to spend their day with two children they don’t know who have probably been at schools with a load of other kids and therefore pose extra risk, plus children tend to dominate the day. Just let him enjoy his family time and you enjoy your day with your children.

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 18:47

To clear up a couple of points -

I don't think he is lying about anything.
I don't want him to change his plans and come to me instead.
I personally don't think my expectations were too high or demanding of him because we talked it through together for the original plan.

I am sad we won't spend Christmas together. I would feel better knowing he is too so that I know we are on the same sort of page.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 18:52

@Fgs1

Just that you don’t seem to have any empathy for the fact that many people haven’t seen much of their older parents all year and the fragility of life has been made even more apparent, people are concerned over exposing themselves to additional people and it’s perfectly normal to want an exclusive family Christmas Day, it might be the last one they have together who knows. You've known him a mere ten months, why would his parents want to spend their day with two children they don’t know who have probably been at schools with a load of other kids and therefore pose extra risk, plus children tend to dominate the day. Just let him enjoy his family time and you enjoy your day with your children.
I stepped out of the plan for the very reason that I FULLY understood their concerns and felt awful that they, out of politeness, were trying to restrict their own family Christmas so as not to cause me offence.

His parents were so pleased to finally be allowed the family around them and they invited me to join in with that. They were not approached or asked to include. They would have invited many others too if they had been allowed believe me.

I don't need to 'let him' enjoy his family day because firstly I'd never tell him what to do and secondly I would never make him pick me. Even if he cam to me tomorrow and said he'd changed his mind I'd urge him to go there instead.

OP posts:
Hopeisnotastrategy · 13/12/2020 19:42

You did a decent, generous thing OP in offering to step back on Christmas Day. It's so often not easy to do the right thing, otherwise everyone would do it. Well done. 💕

You would not be at all unreasonable to have a calm conversation with him, stating that you are happy to do that, this is a difficult year for everyone, but that you were looking forward to spending Christmas together and are naturally a bit disappointed. You want you both to make some plans for things you are going to do to celebrate Christmas together as well, things for you all to look forward to.

Good luck, and merry Christmas! x

Aerial2020 · 13/12/2020 19:48

@Bluntness100

There’s some real shit stirring going on here. Really giving the op a good kicking. God knows why some folks like to do that. Things like oh he’s lying it’s him, he’s not into you, blah blah, with no evidence for my of this. Honestly it’s shameful

He had committed to spend a family cmas. Due to Covid his brother wasn’t comfortable with the op and her kids there, which is reasonable. He offered to withdraw, so the ops boyfriend said he would. Obvs this is causing some discussion and I’m sure they were looking forward to being together as a family especially after a year like this.

The fact he accepted the op pulling out doesn’t mean he’s lying to her or isn’t into her it just means he gets to have the family Xmas they planned.

However though, I’d also agree Xmas day is a big thing cor kids and no way I’d have my children at a boyfriend of a few months parents for Xmas. These people will be virtual strangers to them,

Even though this is due to Covid, it’s had the right result

People are replying with their opinions, that's not shit stirring. It's a forum, calling people shameful doesn't make you the right one. People are going to reply from the same info the OP writes to everyone. Doesn't make your reply correctHmm
Aerial2020 · 13/12/2020 19:51

OP I wouldn't bother carry on writing like you need to justify yourself.
You've written your problem, people have responded. I'd leave it.
Have a good Christmas whatever you do

Fgs1 · 13/12/2020 21:01

Not sure anybody can’t give you the answers or reassurance you’re seeking other than your partner. Hope you manage to have a conversation with him.

Starseeking · 13/12/2020 22:44

You might find starting a conversation with your DP using a variation of the suggestion from @User775633244 helpful.

Well, the grown up this is to say "I wish we had stuck to our original pms s, I was looking forward to spending the day with you. I know things got complicated and the situation has changed but I do still wish we were spending the day together. But I do understand your choice to spend the day with your family and I hope you enjoy and I will miss you.

It acknowledges your sadness at the new situation, and allows your DP to appreciate that; he may be the type of person who thought it would not be a big deal. How he responds when you open up may also give you more insight into how he sees the relationship developing.

whistlesandbells · 13/12/2020 22:56

Did you get an answer about Xmas Eve?

Labobo · 13/12/2020 22:57

I don't understand why he can't spend Christmas Eve with you - have a special dinner and exchange presents, spend the night and maybe do small stockings for each other, or breakfast while Dc open their presents and then he could head off and spend the rest of the day with family. That way you see him over Christmas but he doesn't miss family.

OP, you are absolutely right that your feelings matter and it's understandable that you are hurt that going back to plan A isn't at all what you'd originally planned but wipes you out of the equation. IME, never ever let a man walk all over you. If you do they quickly readjust their expectations and devalue you. Say what you want - doesn't have to be dramatic, just be direct and phrase it in a way that implies you have self respect and don't think much of people who take you for granted.

Mum4Fergus · 13/12/2020 23:11

It's December, you've been dating for 10 months, so met February or thereabouts? In lockdown since March (assume you are in UK) ... so contact likely to have been limited, and he's met your 2 DC,

How often have you actually physically seen each other? I hope I'm wrong but I think the temporary lifting/changing of restrictions for Christmas has given him the opportunity to show his real self.

timeisnotaline · 13/12/2020 23:36

@Fgs1

If you’re in a bubble with him you have probably seen a lot more of him than his family have. Tbh I think you’re the selfish one
If she had moved in would she be even more selfish expecting to see him on Christmas given she already sees him every day? Won’t someone think of the poor famileeez?? Rubbish. That’s what relationships are- you see them the most, including at important times.
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 13/12/2020 23:51

I totally get what you're saying @MerryBratmas. Before the 5 day ruling he was saying he was really happy to be spending Christmas day with you then when it looked like you could all go to his DPs

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 13/12/2020 23:55

Grrrrr, hit send too soon
So, he thinks you can all go to his DP's with his DB's family and when that goes tits up he chooses them instead of you. No wonder you're upset. I wouldn't be offering him any other special day, he's shown his true colours, he puts himself above you. As you said, it wouldn't be so bad (but bad enough) if he showed some sorrow over the situation but he's alright Jack now. I'd be looking for a new BF.

2020wish · 14/12/2020 00:02

Did he reply about Xmas Eve?

wetasstenalady · 14/12/2020 01:10

I personally think having a new partner of under a year spending Christmas Day with your children is way too much too soon.

wetasstenalady · 14/12/2020 01:10

And if he's been living with you that's also ridiculous

oldshoeuk · 14/12/2020 01:23

@MerryBratmas

It is starting to feel like I am not a priority.

We see each other once or twice during the week and then alternate sleeping at each others on a friday. We do odd little bits over the weekend too. I felt like this suited us both as I have been single a long time and didn't want to feel smothered suddenly.

It does feel like it's all a bit routine though.

I think he can veer a bit into the selfish side with his time but in many other ways he is really lovely and we get on very well. We talk for hours and laugh not stop.

I think I need to say something about Christmas really or I'm going to feel worse and worse.

I'm slightly confused. You see each other at the most 3 days out of 7? (then you're hardly a priority), but you are happy with this to avoid smothering yourself. It feels routine, but what do you think full time feels like! He can be selfish with his time, but you don't want more?

I'm not getting a clear picture of what you want overall, does he? Although I do understand the Christmas day thing

This Christmas is going to be a shit sandwich for a lot of people, there aren't many winners. If you can see a way in which you, his parents and his brother all come out happy, I can't. I'm guessing he doesn't mind too much where he is as long as he gets the minimum drama. I doubt if his brother of family will be happy missing him if that's their routine, I doubt you'll get an honest answer from that side.