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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me feel better about being ditched for christmas day

139 replies

MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 13:08

backstory is: been with DP 10 months. Have formed a support bubble. he doesn't have kids. I have 2 (12, 18)

A while back DP and I said we would spend christmas day together at his. Everyone was excited by the plan.

Then the mixing households rule came in and his parents invited us and his brothers family for the day. We were all happy with this.

A few days later he explains his brother is too uncomfortable to have us all together so would go early for presents but leave before we get there.

I felt really guilty that his kids would be missing out on their normal Christmas day and DP kept remarking that it wouldn't be good fun for my kids without the others so it felt like he wasn't keen for this plan. I said I would be happy to step out of the plans for his parents and go back to the original plan if that felt fairer. He quickly agreed to this.

He had said before he hasn't always gone to them for Christmas and wasn't overly bothered etc. But when he was talking about it he made it clear that I would be doing Christmas at my house with my kids and he'd go join the others. I thought the original plan was the one where we would be together.

I didn't say anything at the time because he seemed so pleased to have 'sorted Christmas' after a bit of back and forth. He had already put the plans to everyone and everyone seemed happy.

Except me. I really feel like I have been ditched for Christmas. He has made some comment about popping around late afternoon if he felt up to it but that he would need to go home and not stay at mine.

I feel like an utter brat. I have spent 12 years as a single mum at Christmas. I know it sounds pathetic but I was loving the idea of waking up with a loved one on Christmas morning. Having someone to love me rather than have all the focus being on the kids. I thought doing dinner together would be fun and make a nice change. I just had a childish romantic vision of the day.

It is too late to say anything now but I just feel so sad and sidelined. Help me get over myself and please give me a gentle shake!

OP posts:

OhCaptain · 13/12/2020 15:11

At the end of the day, you are hurt.

And your partner is supposed to be the one person in the world who you can share the good and bad with.

If he sees honesty as manipulative well then, it’s best he shows those colours now.

At the end of the day, he hasn’t considered your feelings at all for Christmas Day yet here you are worried that being truthful will make him upset...

That’s not fair on you, @MerryBratmas.

And it’s certainly not an equal relationship.

Bluntness100 · 13/12/2020 15:13

He probably feels awkward to be fair, caught between a rock and a hard place.

Of course you can tell him you feel sad, I’m sure he does too. But it’s your call how you do it

Something like it’s such a shame due to Covid we can’t spend crimbo together, I feel sad about it, let’s plan something another day to make up for it and have something to look forward to for us” will not heap pressure on him.

Also, with all due respect, with kids it’s likely a bit early for them to be spending Christmas with this man, you’ve only known him a few months, overall this is probably the best outcome, I’m sorry.

User775633244 · 13/12/2020 15:14

@Aerial2020

You don't get to spill your emotions all over another person just because you feel bad. It is not your partner's responsibility to take every negative feeling you have and fix it! This isn't a recipe for a healthy relationship, this is a recipe for disaster.

The time to speak up about your feelings is when decisions are being made and it is is your partner's remit. The OP missed this opportunity, hopefully the next time she won't.

Obviously at this point she should share her feelings but in a managed way that doesn't induce feelings of guilt.

Aerial2020 · 13/12/2020 15:14

Yep @OhCaptain
I think 10 months in and he's not ready.

Bluntness100 · 13/12/2020 15:14

@OhCaptain

At the end of the day, you are hurt.

And your partner is supposed to be the one person in the world who you can share the good and bad with.

If he sees honesty as manipulative well then, it’s best he shows those colours now.

At the end of the day, he hasn’t considered your feelings at all for Christmas Day yet here you are worried that being truthful will make him upset...

That’s not fair on you, @MerryBratmas.

And it’s certainly not an equal relationship.

Oh give over. This is Covid related and difficult for everyone. I’m not even sure he can be considered her partner at this stage, he’s her boyfriend,

alwayslearning789 · 13/12/2020 15:15

"Now there is no mention of that and it feels like I was ditched for a better offer"

You were not ditched for a better offer.

He is spending time with his family - known for a lifetime, when faced with a choice of someone he has known for 10 months.

Its family circumstances on a Christmas Day during a global pandemic with restrictions on numbers.

There will be other Christmas Days if he proves himself to be solid otherwise. Refocus elsewhere OP not just this one day.

Aerial2020 · 13/12/2020 15:16

I do realise that @user775633244. Please don't patronise me.
Telling someone you are sad they aren't spending Christmas with you is not manipulation. She's telling him she's sad about it, that's it. No strings

User775633244 · 13/12/2020 15:23

@Aerial2020

I wasn't patronising you, you genuinely came across as someone who thought other people should fix your sad feelings.

myhobbyisouting · 13/12/2020 15:23

"But it's the fact that we had plans that is hurting."

Those plans were based on households not being able to mix. Now he can see his parents, brother and nieces who he hasn't seen for months. You see him several times weekly.

It's been 10 months. What has he said about Christmas Eve? Can't you cook then and spend that together?

Macaroni46 · 13/12/2020 15:24

I would be hurt too OP. I think I would tell him how you feel and see if you can agree on a set time that you will be together over Christmas be that Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, etc.
I don't think 10 months is that new a relationship, to all those who say it is.
I hope it works out. 🎄

pallisers · 13/12/2020 15:26

To me it seems that he is just not that massively into you - at least yet - sorry. I'm sure he likes you and all but he prefers to spend xmas day with his mum and dad and sibling. If my 41 year old son told me he was spending the day with us and not his girlfriend in these circumstances I'd be looking at him wondering what was going on. He could easily have said to you that he would go to his parents in the morning or for some part of it and you'd have your dinner etc together but he didn't - he is spending it all with his parents.

the relationship may be fine anyway - it may suit you both to be at this pace and 10 months is early days. The reality is if it weren't for covid this wouldn't have come up as you would have been invited to his parents and that would be that.

Aerial2020 · 13/12/2020 15:27

[quote User775633244]@Aerial2020

I wasn't patronising you, you genuinely came across as someone who thought other people should fix your sad feelings.[/quote]
No. I didn't say that at all.
I said it was ok for her tell her she was sad about it
Don't know where you're getting those conclusions from.
You sound like someone who thinks they can guess someone from a few lines on the internet

User775633244 · 13/12/2020 15:28

@Aerial2020

You seem like you want an argument. I don't. I said what I wanted to. Have a nice day.

Aerial2020 · 13/12/2020 15:29

fine by me. No argument here

BlueThistles · 13/12/2020 15:33

I wouldn't be making any long term plans with this one OP.

Misandrylovescompany · 13/12/2020 15:38

From his point of view, bringing his new GF’s children to his family Christmas with his brother, nephews and nieces is a pretty major statement of intent. That’s certainly how I would view it if a member of my family did the same. After 10 months it’s not exactly surprising that the reality of how the day would be dawned on him. Because this isn’t just about you, OP - it’s about your children. How soon did you introduce them to him? I think you’re rushing it, I’m afraid.

OhCaptain · 13/12/2020 15:44

@Bluntness100 grow up. Give over? 🤣

lemonsquashie · 13/12/2020 15:58

When you get to your 40s (and younger actually) you want to spend Xmas with your partner more than brother and parents. I do anyway. Especially if bro is happily married with kids and he is single

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 13/12/2020 17:11

Personally I think it’s a bit too soon for you to be doing Christmas together anyway, especially considering children are involved, unless it’s a situation like one of you would be alone otherwise. It was incredibly nice for the parents to be ok with having you and children over, but it would be very very weird for his brother and his brother’s children.

Personally I would be very surprised with any guy who had been dating a woman for less than a year to chose to spend Christmas with her over family. Add in the fact that it’s not a normal year. You don’t have children together, or live together, and it sounds like you’re still in an early stage of relationship. I would be mightily pissed of if I was his mother and he chose to not spend Christmas with me, especially when he probably gets more time with you than with her.

What about the children in all this too? I have to say it seems a bit weird for him to be there in a full blended family Christmas after such a short time together. For them to be speding Christmas with his nephews and nieces is a lot too?!

myhobbyisouting · 13/12/2020 17:11

@lemonsquashie you understand that your experience doesn't mirror everyone else's?

The thing I am looking forward to most this year is being able to see my parents. I'm no spring chicken either

lemonsquashie · 13/12/2020 17:13

[quote myhobbyisouting]@lemonsquashie you understand that your experience doesn't mirror everyone else's?

The thing I am looking forward to most this year is being able to see my parents. I'm no spring chicken either [/quote]
I didn't! But now I do. All thanks to you!

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 13/12/2020 17:17

@lemonsquashie

When you get to your 40s (and younger actually) you want to spend Xmas with your partner more than brother and parents. I do anyway. Especially if bro is happily married with kids and he is single

But it’s not really a “partner”, it’s a girlfriend of 10 months, not living together, who also has children and therefore should be taking things a bit slower.

Plus it’s not just about what you want. I wouldn’t dump my parents on Christmas for a new BF I was mad about when there’s no guarantee we would even be together a year later!

User775633244 · 13/12/2020 17:19

@lemonsquashie

It's pretty clear by your first post that you think everyone should feel the same way you do. So the sarcastic edge to your second post just doesn't carry well.

Phoenix21 · 13/12/2020 17:24

How long has it been since he last saw his family?

PonderingPeggy · 13/12/2020 17:33

A few days later he explains his brother is too uncomfortable to have us all together so would go early for presents but leave before we get there.

Are you absolutely sure that his brother said this? The withdrawal seems to be coming from your DP, not his family.

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