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Original poster

Help me feel better about being ditched for christmas day

139 replies

MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 13:08

backstory is: been with DP 10 months. Have formed a support bubble. he doesn't have kids. I have 2 (12, 18)

A while back DP and I said we would spend christmas day together at his. Everyone was excited by the plan.

Then the mixing households rule came in and his parents invited us and his brothers family for the day. We were all happy with this.

A few days later he explains his brother is too uncomfortable to have us all together so would go early for presents but leave before we get there.

I felt really guilty that his kids would be missing out on their normal Christmas day and DP kept remarking that it wouldn't be good fun for my kids without the others so it felt like he wasn't keen for this plan. I said I would be happy to step out of the plans for his parents and go back to the original plan if that felt fairer. He quickly agreed to this.

He had said before he hasn't always gone to them for Christmas and wasn't overly bothered etc. But when he was talking about it he made it clear that I would be doing Christmas at my house with my kids and he'd go join the others. I thought the original plan was the one where we would be together.

I didn't say anything at the time because he seemed so pleased to have 'sorted Christmas' after a bit of back and forth. He had already put the plans to everyone and everyone seemed happy.

Except me. I really feel like I have been ditched for Christmas. He has made some comment about popping around late afternoon if he felt up to it but that he would need to go home and not stay at mine.

I feel like an utter brat. I have spent 12 years as a single mum at Christmas. I know it sounds pathetic but I was loving the idea of waking up with a loved one on Christmas morning. Having someone to love me rather than have all the focus being on the kids. I thought doing dinner together would be fun and make a nice change. I just had a childish romantic vision of the day.

It is too late to say anything now but I just feel so sad and sidelined. Help me get over myself and please give me a gentle shake!

OP posts:
Kaliorphic · 13/12/2020 13:57

I think it's pretty selfish of him esp if you were in a bubble together. I'd rethink the whole thing tbh, unlikely he will change.

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 13:57

I think if he had seemed sad to be missing out on Christmas day with me and had made the effort to try and plan an alternative I would have felt better.

OP posts:
Kaliorphic · 13/12/2020 13:58

Where would his kids go Xmas Eve?

He doesn't have kids.

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 13:59

@helpmum2003

I can see why you are disappointed OP. I think you need to have an honest conversation with him.

It may be the wider family doesn't want a newish partner of 10 months at Xmas, along with covid, which is understandable. However the staying at yours Xmas Eve is a bit different. Where would his kids go Xmas Eve?

He doesn't have kids. It's his brothers kids I was talking about sorry for the confusion!

I do get it from their side which is why I quickly said take us out of the equation.

OP posts:
THisbackwithavengeance · 13/12/2020 14:02

I wouldn't be happy either. In fact, I'd be really hurt. Surely his parents and brother can manage without him on Christmas Day given that it was the brother's choice to change the original arrangement.

If he were serious about you, I think he'd have chosen to spend Christmas Day with you rather than with his parents alone like a teenager.

It sounds like he sees you as a casual girlfriend. Nothing wrong with such an arrangement of course if it suits both parties but doesn't sound that great for you at the moment, OP.

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 14:03

@Eviebeans

It only counts as being laid back if you really don't mind. Otherwise it feels like you're tiptoeing around so as not to rock the boat... Only you know which it is. All I know is that the minute you start to settle for less is when you'll start to get less...
Usually I really don't mind.

But I do think I need to set some boundries about not just being an option when he feels like it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 14:07

@THisbackwithavengeance

I wouldn't be happy either. In fact, I'd be really hurt. Surely his parents and brother can manage without him on Christmas Day given that it was the brother's choice to change the original arrangement.

If he were serious about you, I think he'd have chosen to spend Christmas Day with you rather than with his parents alone like a teenager.

It sounds like he sees you as a casual girlfriend. Nothing wrong with such an arrangement of course if it suits both parties but doesn't sound that great for you at the moment, OP.

I am hurt but I'd convinced myself it was just selfish to feel that.

But I did want to be who he wanted to spend Christmas with, not just the only option because of lockdown and then suddenly ditched when he can go elsewhere.

We aren't casual. We have spoken about this lots. He has talked of moving in together eventually etc.

I'm just a little concerned now that he likes the idea of not being single but still likes to live like he can do as he sees fit.

OP posts:
Kaliorphic · 13/12/2020 14:09

I am hurt but I'd convinced myself it was just selfish to feel that.

It's not selfish to want nice things for yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat others, not as less.

alwayslearning789 · 13/12/2020 14:11

It's a tricky one as its a relatively new relationship at 10 months and then having the tough choices people have to make thrown in due to the pandemic and social distancing issues.

Even established families are having difficulty navigating these choices.

First and foremost - enjoy your Xmas with your children - whether he was going to be there or not, that is secondary - you were always going to have a fab Xmas with and for your children:)

I understand the wanting to have a loved one and after so long, having someone checking that you are okay on that day.... I am in similar circumstances here and so I do understand how you feel.

Your eyes are open and watching now - so whilst a Covid19 Xmas might be tricky and you understand core family is important at this time - you are now aware that you have to make sure that going forward is he actually deserving of your time too...

If you can watch and learn what his actual status is before the 12 month mark - that can only be a good thing for you, so that if he is not stepping up - you can find someone else who does prioritise you before you invest too much time.

Take care of yourself OP and enjoy Xmas with your children xx

User775633244 · 13/12/2020 14:11

This has been a relationship lasting ten months! With various lockdowns and restrictions making relationships more complicated and difficult than normal! I really don't get all the people saying how selfish the dp is for wanting to spend Christmas day with his family.

OP I'm sorry, it is disappointing and you feel sad. This is your prerogative, but if you start thinking your dp is not treating you right because of this, then you could be ruining a good relationship. I don't know if it's good or not and that's for you to decide. If you start listening to irrational posters who are overreacting to this situation you could mess this up.

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 14:12

@Kaliorphic

I am hurt but I'd convinced myself it was just selfish to feel that.

It's not selfish to want nice things for yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat others, not as less.

I really think I need to learn this. I always say treat others as you would want to be treated but I have never actually stopped to consider if I do the same for myself.

Thank you

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/12/2020 14:18

I get why you’re sadl but you’ve only been together ten months and the invite has been rescinded due to Covid. He’d already committed to going to his parents and if he dropped put too, it would make his brother think he was pushing him away and make it very difficult in their family. The parents wouldn’t have both their adult children home for Christmas.

I think this is all just a bit awkward due to circumstances.

You can make it awkward and make it a thing, and try to force him to choose differently but personally I’d try to see if from his side.

Bluntness100 · 13/12/2020 14:19

I am hurt but I'd convinced myself it was just selfish to feel that.It's not selfish to want nice things for yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat others, not as less

It’s not, but it is selfish to not consider the other person and the pressure they may be facing.

Rarotonga2 · 13/12/2020 14:22

My DH and I had a pretend Christmas day a few years ago, on the first year we met and I was skiing with my family over actual Christmas. We had a fancy meal, exchanged presents and watched Christmas movies/played games.
Could you do something like that?

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 14:25

@Bluntness100

I get why you’re sadl but you’ve only been together ten months and the invite has been rescinded due to Covid. He’d already committed to going to his parents and if he dropped put too, it would make his brother think he was pushing him away and make it very difficult in their family. The parents wouldn’t have both their adult children home for Christmas.

I think this is all just a bit awkward due to circumstances.

You can make it awkward and make it a thing, and try to force him to choose differently but personally I’d try to see if from his side.

I wouldn't force him to choose me at all. That's why I said it was too late to raise it now.

I want to just chat to him to explain that I feel sad but understand that he is going there.

It's just that when we thought we couldn't mix households we made plans. He said he was really excited to be with me for the day. We talked about cooking together, waking up with each other etc.

Now there is no mention of that and it feels like I was ditched for a better offer.

I'm just a bit confused by what that means really

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 14:26

@Rarotonga2

My DH and I had a pretend Christmas day a few years ago, on the first year we met and I was skiing with my family over actual Christmas. We had a fancy meal, exchanged presents and watched Christmas movies/played games. Could you do something like that?
I will ask if he wants to do this instead. Thank you.
OP posts:
OhCaptain · 13/12/2020 14:27

I’m a bit on the fence about this because it’s only been ten months and while that’s a significant enough time it’s not years and with Covid etc I’m sure there’s been even less time to properly establish the relationship.

On the other hand, it’s concerning that he’s completely ditching you and ‘might pop round’ given that he knew you’d planned to spend the day together.

Kaliorphic · 13/12/2020 14:28

It’s not, but it is selfish to not consider the other person and the pressure they may be facing

The original plan was to spend Christmas with op. They were in a bubble together and had planned to spend the day together. That only changed after he was invited to the parents. Now the op is not going he's dumped the original plan and is going to his parents instead. That's pretty selfish.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 13/12/2020 14:32

Well op you did offer to step away, and your dp was probably relieved as he felt like piggy in the middle. I would say this is probably a covid issue that wouldn't have arisen otherwise.
However I'm not sure why he wouldn't say hes just having xmas day with you and your kids then and let his brother crack on .
I would personally not say any more , give it a chance to see how it all pans out .

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 14:34

@OhCaptain

I’m a bit on the fence about this because it’s only been ten months and while that’s a significant enough time it’s not years and with Covid etc I’m sure there’s been even less time to properly establish the relationship.

On the other hand, it’s concerning that he’s completely ditching you and ‘might pop round’ given that he knew you’d planned to spend the day together.

I think this is what is making so confused.

10 months isn't long but for the three months of first lockdown we spoke every single night on facetime, always for 2 or more hours. It was a very intense start to a relationship. We felt very connected and like we knew each other very well.

Maybe we are properly learning about each other now.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 14:35

@Kaliorphic

It’s not, but it is selfish to not consider the other person and the pressure they may be facing

The original plan was to spend Christmas with op. They were in a bubble together and had planned to spend the day together. That only changed after he was invited to the parents. Now the op is not going he's dumped the original plan and is going to his parents instead. That's pretty selfish.

If he said from the start he would not be spending Christmas with me I wouldn't feel anything about it. It would make sense and we would plan around it.

But it's the fact that we had plans that is hurting.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 13/12/2020 14:36

I think you made the correct decision to back out of the plan to visit his parents and your DP was not incorrect to hint that you should. It would have been odd for his parents to spent the majority of Christmas Day with two children they presumably barely know whilst their grandchildren make a fleeting visit to swap presents. I can also understand the brother not wanting to mix households with three relative strangers (again I am presuming there has not been much opportunity to get to know them yet).

So it comes down to whether DP should have spent Christmas Day with you or his parents. I can understand why you would be disappointed but I also don’t think it was completely unreasonable for him to pick his parents and brother over a relatively new girlfriend, perhaps they have not seen much of each other and so he felt it was the right thing to do. I would enjoy your own Christmas Day and make plans with DP for Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 14:38

Thanks to everyone for helping though.

I think I just need to let him know that I understand him going to his parents for Christmas but that they way it was handled has left me feeling a little sad.

I don't want him to change his mind, just be mindful that it's a big change for my plans and I feel like he doesn't realise that.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 13/12/2020 14:39

Ask for what you want. Tell him.
Why the hell not? He's your boyfriend. Cant he see his family boxing day? Why shouldn't you he a priority?

User775633244 · 13/12/2020 14:41

Your original plans changed with the invitation. Your dp chose to spend Christmas day with his family, he's not a bad person for wanting to do that. You were invited and backed out due to family concerns. You seem to think this is personal income way, I don't think it is. As for the 12 years as a single parent on Christmas day, well that's sad but not your dps responsibility either.