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Original poster

Help me feel better about being ditched for christmas day

139 replies

MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 13:08

backstory is: been with DP 10 months. Have formed a support bubble. he doesn't have kids. I have 2 (12, 18)

A while back DP and I said we would spend christmas day together at his. Everyone was excited by the plan.

Then the mixing households rule came in and his parents invited us and his brothers family for the day. We were all happy with this.

A few days later he explains his brother is too uncomfortable to have us all together so would go early for presents but leave before we get there.

I felt really guilty that his kids would be missing out on their normal Christmas day and DP kept remarking that it wouldn't be good fun for my kids without the others so it felt like he wasn't keen for this plan. I said I would be happy to step out of the plans for his parents and go back to the original plan if that felt fairer. He quickly agreed to this.

He had said before he hasn't always gone to them for Christmas and wasn't overly bothered etc. But when he was talking about it he made it clear that I would be doing Christmas at my house with my kids and he'd go join the others. I thought the original plan was the one where we would be together.

I didn't say anything at the time because he seemed so pleased to have 'sorted Christmas' after a bit of back and forth. He had already put the plans to everyone and everyone seemed happy.

Except me. I really feel like I have been ditched for Christmas. He has made some comment about popping around late afternoon if he felt up to it but that he would need to go home and not stay at mine.

I feel like an utter brat. I have spent 12 years as a single mum at Christmas. I know it sounds pathetic but I was loving the idea of waking up with a loved one on Christmas morning. Having someone to love me rather than have all the focus being on the kids. I thought doing dinner together would be fun and make a nice change. I just had a childish romantic vision of the day.

It is too late to say anything now but I just feel so sad and sidelined. Help me get over myself and please give me a gentle shake!

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 14:42

It's not unreasonable for him to have picked them - it's just the way it was done. He didn't even acknowledge that the original plan was for us to be together. He didn't seem sorry or sad. He just assumed we would sort ourselves out once we stepped back from his parents and it's no concern of his.

OP posts:
Phoenix21 · 13/12/2020 14:43

Covid really has made things so hard.

OP - as you are bubbled with him, how long has it been since he has seen his family? A couple of months?
Maybe that’s what’s driving his decision.

Can you spend Boxing Day together?

Aerial2020 · 13/12/2020 14:43

Why don't you want him to change his plans?

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 14:44

@User775633244

Your original plans changed with the invitation. Your dp chose to spend Christmas day with his family, he's not a bad person for wanting to do that. You were invited and backed out due to family concerns. You seem to think this is personal income way, I don't think it is. As for the 12 years as a single parent on Christmas day, well that's sad but not your dps responsibility either.
I've never said it was his responsibility? I just said I was excited that it had changed which is a part of why I am sad now.

I started this because I did feel I was taking it too personally and I wanted help to get over that. I do know it is right for him to go to them and for me to have backed out. Honestly.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 13/12/2020 14:45

@THisbackwithavengeance

I wouldn't be happy either. In fact, I'd be really hurt. Surely his parents and brother can manage without him on Christmas Day given that it was the brother's choice to change the original arrangement.

If he were serious about you, I think he'd have chosen to spend Christmas Day with you rather than with his parents alone like a teenager.

It sounds like he sees you as a casual girlfriend. Nothing wrong with such an arrangement of course if it suits both parties but doesn't sound that great for you at the moment, OP.

How old is he?
Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 14:46

@Aerial2020

Why don't you want him to change his plans?
Because I would be uncomfortable for his and his parents plans to change again because my feelings are hurt. We are past that point now.
OP posts:
User775633244 · 13/12/2020 14:47

You have every right to feel sad about this, but little reason to hurt your relationship because of it. It's the situation, it's not personal.

I honestly think if you were a man posting about his female partner you would have had a lot of different responses saying you were being selfish. Your dp is thinking about his partners and his brother's family, his neice's and nephews. It's not like normal years when he can see everyone. He doesn't get that option. I'm sure he isn't happy about it either.

Aerial2020 · 13/12/2020 14:47

But it's ok to be hurt and sad.
That's ok.
Surely he spends most Christmas'a with his family. As a grown man, cant he spend Christmas day with you and them boxing day? You're his girlfriend
You seem to be ignoring your feelings. Tell him

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 14:47

He is 41

OP posts:
Kaliorphic · 13/12/2020 14:47

I do know it is right for him to go to them and for me to have backed out. Honestly.

I don't think it is though. I think he should have gone back to the original plan and spent it with you.

helpmum2003 · 13/12/2020 14:48

I think under this year's circumstances you may have to accept Christmas Day he spends with his family. This is disappointing but wouldn't give me any concern about the relationship.
However, I think your invitation to stay Christmas Eve is different as he can do this without missing out on Xmas Day with his wider family. If he declines or drags his feet on this I would be more concerned.
How old are you both OP?

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 14:49

@User775633244

You have every right to feel sad about this, but little reason to hurt your relationship because of it. It's the situation, it's not personal.

I honestly think if you were a man posting about his female partner you would have had a lot of different responses saying you were being selfish. Your dp is thinking about his partners and his brother's family, his neice's and nephews. It's not like normal years when he can see everyone. He doesn't get that option. I'm sure he isn't happy about it either.

But would it really be hurting my relationship to explain that I am sad about this?
OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 13/12/2020 14:50

I don't get it. I don't get why you're past. your feelings being hurt.
I don't get why he a grown man in a relationship has to spend Christmas with his nicest and nephews.

You will get other situations like this as you carry on in the relationship, speak up.

User775633244 · 13/12/2020 14:53

The thing everyone should understand. Is that every adult gets to make their own choices about their own life's, and this should be free of guilt trips and manipulation from others. Sitting talking about how how sad someone is because of a decision that has already been made IS a form of manipulation, and shouldn't be part of a healthy relationship. The time for the OP to speak up was when this was all bring discussed. That isn't an option anymore.

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 14:54

@Aerial2020

I don't get it. I don't get why you're past. your feelings being hurt. I don't get why he a grown man in a relationship has to spend Christmas with his nicest and nephews. You will get other situations like this as you carry on in the relationship, speak up.
Because it is a new relationship and they are his family. A year down the line and I would feel like I have more of a right to be upset I think.
OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 13/12/2020 14:54

Saying you're sad isn't manipulation! Its being honest. Why would you lie and pretend?

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 14:55

@User775633244

The thing everyone should understand. Is that every adult gets to make their own choices about their own life's, and this should be free of guilt trips and manipulation from others. Sitting talking about how how sad someone is because of a decision that has already been made IS a form of manipulation, and shouldn't be part of a healthy relationship. The time for the OP to speak up was when this was all bring discussed. That isn't an option anymore.
But ignoring my own feelings so I don't upset him and risk our relationship doesn't sound very adult to me either.
OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 13/12/2020 14:55

If you're upset, you're upset. You don't 'earn' a right a year later.

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 14:58

I don't want to talk to him about it now to make him sad or manipulate him into changing his mind. I want to make sure we don't have this sort of issue in the future because we have both learnt from this one. Me by speaking up at the time instead of stewing on something and him by considering other peoples feelings a bit more.

That seems like a healthy adult way of moving through a relationship to me.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/12/2020 14:58

But would it really be hurting my relationship to explain that I am sad about this?

It depends. It depends if he feels pressured to spend it with you.

As said I think there is likely another side to this. Which is his brother doesn’t want to force him out, so offered to withdraw himself, and they were all looking forward to spending Christmas as a family. If he drops out, then likely his brother will say no, it’s my issue, I’ll pull out, you both go with her kids, and it will turn into a thing. Where only one brother goes, ans the other feels bad. And the parents are peed off.

That’s why he probably was relieved when you offered, he’s got pressure and didn’t want to hurt you.

I think it’s very different if he was just being cunty, but I don’t think that’s the case, I think this is Covid related and they are worried about your kids being there and maybe having it and not knowing.

User775633244 · 13/12/2020 15:02

Well , the grown up thing is to say. "I wish we had stuck to our original plans, I was looking forward to spending the day with you. I know things got complicated and the situation has changed but I do still wish we were spending the day together. But I do understand your choice to spend the day with your family and I hope you enjoy but and I will miss you"

Not to start asking about why this choice was made etc. Just learn from it, and don't step back to make things more comfortable for others if it's going to make you feel like this, own your choices and your decisions. You are equally responsible for the situation you find yourself in.

Original poster
MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 15:04

@Bluntness100

But would it really be hurting my relationship to explain that I am sad about this?

It depends. It depends if he feels pressured to spend it with you.

As said I think there is likely another side to this. Which is his brother doesn’t want to force him out, so offered to withdraw himself, and they were all looking forward to spending Christmas as a family. If he drops out, then likely his brother will say no, it’s my issue, I’ll pull out, you both go with her kids, and it will turn into a thing. Where only one brother goes, ans the other feels bad. And the parents are peed off.

That’s why he probably was relieved when you offered, he’s got pressure and didn’t want to hurt you.

I think it’s very different if he was just being cunty, but I don’t think that’s the case, I think this is Covid related and they are worried about your kids being there and maybe having it and not knowing.

I think you're right about his brother which is why I backed out and don't want the plans to change now. It will be awkward for everyone.

I just wonder if I should just chat with him about how I feel about it now.

It's changed all of our plans but he hasn't aknowledged that at all.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 13/12/2020 15:07

Surely if he feels pressurised to spend it with you, he's not ready. It would be an instant decision and family would be boxing day. There would be no pressure.

Baileysandcream · 13/12/2020 15:08

I don't understand why people are saying he is selfish for deciding to spend the day with his family. It sounds as if the change of plans have come about because of the covid restrictions and new temporary rules for the festive period.

I do understand why you are sad that the day you had imagined won't be the same now OP, but why not suggest holding your own "christmas day" after Christmas? I wouldn't suggest it on Christmas Eve, because that may still pose an issue for visiting his family on Christmas day. Could you arrange to have a 2nd Christmas day on Boxing day or the day after?

Techway · 13/12/2020 15:09

I'm just a little concerned now that he likes the idea of not being single but still likes to live like he can do as he sees fit

It has only been 10 months and that is an incredibly short period of time for anyone to make life decisions. The honeymoon phase is just that, a honeymoon ...but reality kicks in and you start to learn about each other. I wouldn't invite a boyfriend of 10 months to my Christmas so perhaps he over committed and real life kicked in. His family are his nearest relatives and what Covid has highlighted is how important it is to spend time with family and value them.

A girlfriend/boyfriend can come and go and I imagine he has had quite a few relationships that last around a year. Your sadness comes from having an expectation that I think is too high for the stage you are at. Keep your feet on the ground,don't assume you know him well or judge him by the honeymoon phase as that isn't real life. It takes typically 2 years for you to know someone.

Enjoy what you have and don't try to rush stages ahead of time.

This time next year it might be a slightly different story.