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Original poster

Help me feel better about being ditched for christmas day

139 replies

MerryBratmas · 13/12/2020 13:08

backstory is: been with DP 10 months. Have formed a support bubble. he doesn't have kids. I have 2 (12, 18)

A while back DP and I said we would spend christmas day together at his. Everyone was excited by the plan.

Then the mixing households rule came in and his parents invited us and his brothers family for the day. We were all happy with this.

A few days later he explains his brother is too uncomfortable to have us all together so would go early for presents but leave before we get there.

I felt really guilty that his kids would be missing out on their normal Christmas day and DP kept remarking that it wouldn't be good fun for my kids without the others so it felt like he wasn't keen for this plan. I said I would be happy to step out of the plans for his parents and go back to the original plan if that felt fairer. He quickly agreed to this.

He had said before he hasn't always gone to them for Christmas and wasn't overly bothered etc. But when he was talking about it he made it clear that I would be doing Christmas at my house with my kids and he'd go join the others. I thought the original plan was the one where we would be together.

I didn't say anything at the time because he seemed so pleased to have 'sorted Christmas' after a bit of back and forth. He had already put the plans to everyone and everyone seemed happy.

Except me. I really feel like I have been ditched for Christmas. He has made some comment about popping around late afternoon if he felt up to it but that he would need to go home and not stay at mine.

I feel like an utter brat. I have spent 12 years as a single mum at Christmas. I know it sounds pathetic but I was loving the idea of waking up with a loved one on Christmas morning. Having someone to love me rather than have all the focus being on the kids. I thought doing dinner together would be fun and make a nice change. I just had a childish romantic vision of the day.

It is too late to say anything now but I just feel so sad and sidelined. Help me get over myself and please give me a gentle shake!

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 14/12/2020 01:39

He had committed to spend a family cmas.

No @Bluntness100, he'd committed first off to spending it with OP, then the Christmas 5 day mixing thing came in and they said as a group they would go to his parents. It's only down the line that he's decided instead to prioritize his parents, and in the meantime has been saying he's not that bothered about seeing them. I totally get why OP is upset about this.

RantyAnty · 14/12/2020 02:01

What has your relationship been up until now?

Have you spent any other occasions together? Birthdays?
Do you have plans for New Years?

He comes over 2 to 3 times a week. What do you actually do?

ChristmasUserName2020 · 14/12/2020 02:07

What a man-child. Why is he so desperate to spend all day with mummy and daddy? Doesn’t he want to spend time with you? Also, why shouldn’t the brother stay away if he feels uncomfortable rather than forcing you out?

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 07:05

@Butterymuffin

He had committed to spend a family cmas.

No @Bluntness100, he'd committed first off to spending it with OP, then the Christmas 5 day mixing thing came in and they said as a group they would go to his parents. It's only down the line that he's decided instead to prioritize his parents, and in the meantime has been saying he's not that bothered about seeing them. I totally get why OP is upset about this.

Really what’s the no for? All you’ve done is given the order of commitment, but confirmed the commitment existed

Lougle · 14/12/2020 07:22

Unless your 18 year old was 17 in June (perhaps they were?), then you can't consider yourself one household, because you have another adult in the house. Perhaps that's why your DP's brother is feeling unsure, because you'd actually then be 4 households.

I think this year is very tricky and a 10 month relationship is still very new.

Butterymuffin · 14/12/2020 07:42

No as in you're wrong @Bluntness100 I've confirmed the commitment was to OP. HTH

soopedup · 14/12/2020 07:59

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You’ve bent over backwards to make sure him and his family are happy and sorted but what about you? Nobody’s making sure you are happy? The fact remains that he first and foremost made a commitment to spend the day with you. If he’d always stated clearly and firmly that he was spending it with parents and brother then you would have been fine. He set the expectation. He then changed the plan. You have been ditched and expected to be all cool and magnanimous about it. Why? He didn’t care about seeing his parents when he made the plan initially! You’ve had a shit year too as a single mum and it’s not unreasonable to want to a) have the benefit of being in a couple at Christmas and b) expect him to honour his original plan. He sounds flakey, disinterested and a user. The relationship is not as strong as you thought. It’s casual don’t be fooled

soopedup · 14/12/2020 08:00

On this occasion @Bluntness100 has got it wrong

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 08:00

@Butterymuffin

No as in you're wrong *@Bluntness100*

I've confirmed the commitment was to OP. HTH

Eh, you don’t think he committed to her then to his parents? 😂

Picktionary · 14/12/2020 08:34

Wow, some posters seem a little obsessed with the OP's dilemma. Let the poor woman breathe without jumping all over her!

OP, I would be upset too - completely normal. Please stop calling yourself a brat, putting yourself and your needs down - it's unnecessary and damaging.

I hope everything works out for the best. Dont end up twisting yourself here, there and everywhere to please this man - if he isn't up to your standards you don't have to force yourself to adapt to him or the situation. I only say this as he seems to have acted a little unkindly in this situation. Protect yourself for the future.

TurquoiseDragon · 14/12/2020 08:48

[quote goody2shooz]@MerryBratmas, I think the fact that he hasn’t replied to your messages re Christmas Eve or the following evening would tick me off too - especially with quick agreement to change the original plans. Like you, I’d feel hurt by his indifference. Tbh I realllly wouldn’t be in a rush to let him move in any time soon - hold back, take your time and watch carefully how he treats you, and how careful he is of your feelings and those of your children. A bit harsh to sit and have all that nice chat about waking up together etc etc and then let it go without a backward glance....keep in mind going forward ‘actions speak louder than words’ and judge him on that. Talk is cheap.[/quote]
I think this sums it up for me.

It's not that he's accepted OP stepping back so he gets a family Xmas. It's that he has done so without any acknowledgement to OP that she's gping to be sad he's not with her. He hasn't responded to the invitation to spend Xmas Eve with OP, nor suggested anything such as celebrating on a different day. I agree, he seems indifferent.

User775633244 · 14/12/2020 08:57

The OPs dp is going to his parents for Christmas lunch. That's all. He's been polite in speaking to the OP about it. No abuse or anything. He's just going to his parents for Christmas lunch.

Just a reality check for everyone who is determined to make this so much bigger than it actually is. The OP hasn't been ditched, plans have had to be adapted, that's all. She isn't going to be on her own on Christmas day or anything. In fact her 12 year old spending Christmas day with a family they barely know was probably a mistake anyway. Everyone needs to calm down ffs.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 09:59

@User775633244

The OPs dp is going to his parents for Christmas lunch. That's all. He's been polite in speaking to the OP about it. No abuse or anything. He's just going to his parents for Christmas lunch.

Totally this. The hysteria on here is batshit. We are in lockdown, people are worried plans are being adapted. The op offered. The very worst that can be said is he didn’t tell the op he was sad about it.

Addicted2LoveIsland · 28/12/2020 01:31

How did it go OP?

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