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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He called me nasty, was I?

135 replies

Lolailo · 13/12/2020 04:13

About a year ago I met a man through OLD and we dated for about 3 months (once a week approx). He is a good guy, but we are intellectually mismatched.

Not long after (3-4 weeks) I told him that I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with him, covid hit and he got "stuck" in a foreign country where he has spent the last 8 months. We have exchanged pleasantries maybe once a month during this time, and he just recently came back and ended his quarantine this week.

He is an architect but does contraction work for a living. He is completely broke after 8 months stranded without a job and I offered to give him work to do some repairs that I need around my house. This was the first "brush" of the day. I asked him if he could fix my eavesdrops (the part in the roof) since I tried but my ladder was too short and I can't reach. He told me that he has a 6ft ladder (like mine) and that he can do it. My roof is 12-14 ft from the floor, he is approx 5'5'', and even is he was super tall you need to see the roof, not just reach with your fingertips. He is adamant that he can reach.

The second "brush", when I was called nasty came a bit later. His idea to get rich is to write a phone application for bets in his spare time. He started a few months ago and it took him three months to write the code for the login screen (not even functional, just the design). He doesn't how to code, and his idea is obviously more complex than a tic-tac-toe game, requiring at credit card transactions, etc. He wants to finish this before the summer, and today he asked me how to do something (I am software engineer). I sent him a link with information about it, and I told him that I didn't want to discourage him and that it is great that he wants to learn, but that nobody goes to university for years if we could learn this on the internet in a couple of hours.

Was my comment out of line? It was definitely honest, not to put him down. But he lives in cuckoo land.

OP posts:
Lolailo · 13/12/2020 04:16

That should say *construction work

And to add some context, I am ADHD and can be blunt sometimes, so I am trying to learn when it is my "fault" and when it is someone else's sensiblity.

OP posts:
KittenCalledBob · 13/12/2020 04:18

He's got a cheek to call you nasty when you've tried to help him! I think you should step back from this man OP.

TheStoic · 13/12/2020 04:31

In my opinion, that was something to think, not something to say out loud.

You were correct, but did it need saying? He’s not hurting anyone.

Lolailo · 13/12/2020 04:37

But was my comment hurtful though? I would not be offended if I asked him how to do an addition to my house and he told me "wait, do you know about permits, structures, codes, etc? There is a reason why I studied for years, it is not like building Ikea furniture"

My opinion is that the problem was his ego, not my comment.

OP posts:
Lolailo · 13/12/2020 04:42

@TheStoic and of course I don't really need to say everything that I think, but then what would be the nature of the relationship?

@KittenCalledBob you are right, this won't evolve into friendship and it is not worth any more time. But my problem with been blunt remains Sad

OP posts:
ClaireP20 · 13/12/2020 04:43

I think he was being overly sensitive. I don't think you were nasty at all.

However, you're not together as a couple and you should stop seeing him. Because your post shows that you are emotionally invested in him (or why would what he writes bother you?). I think you should stop seeing him.

HeyChubbee · 13/12/2020 04:53

He’s probably picked up on the fact you think you are cleverer than him (intellectually mismatched) and you’ve said that to try and put him in his place.

FourPlatinumRings · 13/12/2020 04:55

Yeah, stop seeing him. No good will come of this.

Don't worry about being blunt. Some people can cope with it and some can't, but it's part of who you are and life is too short to tiptoe around folk on eggshells.

Lolailo · 13/12/2020 04:56

I am not seeing him! I actually think he might have been more "offended" because he wanted to meet and I said "no way, we are in lockdown", and then offered jobs only on the exterior of my house.

I am not bothered by his words, but rather concerned about how my words affect people. I am trying to learn to measure when I am "too" honest and when it is just enough, and it is not so easy because of my ADHD.

OP posts:
Toilenstripes · 13/12/2020 04:59

Is being blunt a symptom of ADHD? Serious question.

HanarCantWearSweaters · 13/12/2020 05:04

OP, in my job a way I suggest people assess their responses and whether or not to say something is to ask yourself 3 questions: it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? And if the answer to one of those is no, maybe it shouldn’t be said.

You don’t need to be the arbiter of other people’s lives. Be kind and helpful if you can, but leave them to make their own mistakes. And sometimes a noncommittal, vague response can have its use. Smile

FourPlatinumRings · 13/12/2020 05:05

Well, you could always try the old adage, 'If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.' You'll never offend anyone that way.

CoalTit · 13/12/2020 05:06

He’s probably picked up on the fact you think you are cleverer than him (intellectually mismatched) and you’ve said that to try and put him in his place.
That's not the impression that I got. At all.

Chocolate4me · 13/12/2020 05:10

I wouldn't say that was blunt at all, most people would have said the same to him... People also seem to get more blunt as they get older so I wouldn't worry too much about trying to figure out if the things you say are too honest etc. Just be you, the people that accept you and like you for who you are, will stick around. He may have felt a bit deflated by your opinion on it, but he'll probably bounce back from it, it's his personality making him feel hurt by it, not your delivery of it

Girlzroolz · 13/12/2020 05:18

You can count your interactions with this guy practically on one hand (ok, maybe a foot as well). Doesn’t sound like you are friends, not lovers either.

Consider he’s a random dude, who you tried (and failed) to help out in a couple of small ways. He’s called you nasty/got offended and upset over nothing much.

You know what that adds up to? Block, delete, forget, move on.

There’s no mystery or downside here. You seem to be holding on to the chance for some possible future connection, or you’re a bit bored over lockdown. Deep down you know neither of those thoughts is realistically going to lead anywhere good.

It’s a dead donkey, stop flogging it! Grin

Lolailo · 13/12/2020 05:19

A person with ADHD can't just turn off behaviors the same way a neurotypical person. We lack stimulation in the prefrontal cortex. @ToilenStripes And yes, one of the symptoms is been blunt, A person with ADHD can't just turn off behaviors the same way a neurotypical person. We lack stimulation in the prefrontal cortex. @ToilenStripes And yes, one of the symptoms is been blunt. ADHD blurs the boundaries of what you should say, what you shouldn't and when you speak up.

OP posts:
Toilenstripes · 13/12/2020 05:23

That’s very interesting, thanks!

Lolailo · 13/12/2020 05:23

Sorry, that was a glitch.

A person with ADHD can't just turn off behaviors the same way a neurotypical person can. We lack stimulation in the prefrontal cortex. @ToilenStripes And yes, one of the symptoms is been blunt. ADHD blurs the boundaries of what you should say, what you shouldn't and when to speak up.

www.additudemag.com/too-blunt-how-to-manage-impulsive-honesty-related-to-adhd/

OP posts:
Rangoon · 13/12/2020 05:30

I try to imagine being the recipient of the comment in deciding whether I should say it. The thing is though he asked you for help with the app and you sent him some information but you tried to point out it is more difficult than he seems to think which was probably an attempt to be kind. Sometimes I have found though that people need to find things out for themselves and they don't appreciate being told the truth. ADHD people have a bit of a tendency to cut to the chase which can be a bit confronting for others though we'e wondering why everybody else is going round in circles without saying the thing that seems blindingly obvious to us.

BoomBoomsCousin · 13/12/2020 05:30

It's blunter than some like and really useful for those who aren't so sensitive. After months of dating and conversing with him most people would have some idea of whether this sort of straightforwardness would be welcome or not, so would be less likely to make the error, but people still make mistakes. I don't think ADHD is a reason for being poor at reading people (I was under the impression that ADHD affects things like impulsivity rather than ability to read people's reactions over time), it's something you could give more thought to if you don't want sensitive people to find you too upfront in the future. But at the same time, if you have enough friends who appreciate the straightforwardness, and you prefer that, you may not want or need to change.

You don't owe this guy anything and it doesn't sound like he's trying too hard to actually be friends with you. As a PP says, he's an OLD EX, cut that tie and stop spending so much time thinking about him.

TheStoic · 13/12/2020 05:32

and of course I don't really need to say everything that I think, but then what would be the nature of the relationship?

You don’t have one. Unless you want a friendship? In which case, he doesn’t seem to like ‘blunt’.

Why did you think it needed saying? Seems like it was more about your ego than his.

TheStoic · 13/12/2020 05:35

Also, you’ve said ‘been’ a few times when the correct word is ‘being’.

Lolailo · 13/12/2020 05:36

Thank you everybody for all the responses. It helps to understand and try to get better at it. It was not necessary, but I don't think it was unkind either. Blunt definitely.

Please don't misunderstand the mismatched intellect in this context. I don't expect anybody to know about a field they have not studied.

That opinion came from very different reasons when we were getting to know each other. I am inquisitive and curious. I like to read, learn and cultivate my mind. He admitted he had not read a book in his life and spends most of his spare time posting memes on Instagram. During lockdown I finally found the time to learn things I wanted and as a result earned two certificates. He just "got bored" (8 months without working - I would do so many things!! but getting bored is not one of them)

OP posts:
hadesinahalfahell · 13/12/2020 05:39

It's only the same sort of comment that men make to women all the time without blinking :)

TheStoic · 13/12/2020 05:40

I think you sound very interesting. To be honest, he would bore me too. I wouldn’t tell him that though. Grin

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