He called me nasty, was I?

[Lolailo]

About a year ago I met a man through OLD and we dated for about 3 months (once a week approx). He is a good guy, but we are intellectually mismatched.

Not long after (3-4 weeks) I told him that I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with him, covid hit and he got "stuck" in a foreign country where he has spent the last 8 months. We have exchanged pleasantries maybe once a month during this time, and he just recently came back and ended his quarantine this week.

He is an architect but does contraction work for a living. He is completely broke after 8 months stranded without a job and I offered to give him work to do some repairs that I need around my house. This was the first "brush" of the day. I asked him if he could fix my eavesdrops (the part in the roof) since I tried but my ladder was too short and I can't reach. He told me that he has a 6ft ladder (like mine) and that he can do it. My roof is 12-14 ft from the floor, he is approx 5'5'', and even is he was super tall you need to see the roof, not just reach with your fingertips. He is adamant that he can reach.

The second "brush", when I was called nasty came a bit later. His idea to get rich is to write a phone application for bets in his spare time. He started a few months ago and it took him three months to write the code for the login screen (not even functional, just the design). He doesn't how to code, and his idea is obviously more complex than a tic-tac-toe game, requiring at credit card transactions, etc. He wants to finish this before the summer, and today he asked me how to do something (I am software engineer). I sent him a link with information about it, and I told him that I didn't want to discourage him and that it is great that he wants to learn, but that nobody goes to university for years if we could learn this on the internet in a couple of hours.

Was my comment out of line? It was definitely honest, not to put him down. But he lives in cuckoo land.

You were not nasty or rude.

"wait, do you know about permits, structures, codes, etc? There is a reason why I studied for years, it is not like building Ikea furniture

In written form this is a little in your face I think. The sentiment is fine and potentially helpful. The wording is potentially patronising. Calling you nasty is a bit much though - suggests no good will really. I assume if my friends send something to me that sounds off that they didn't mean it to come across like that.

@TheVanguardSix

OP, you have a superiority complex and no insight into this fact. You sound totally unlikable.

You're judging OP's entire character so negatively just from what we know from this thread?

That's a pretty weak basis for a full on character insult. What exactly is it that you see as being 'totally unlikable'?

accident and liability.

Accident maybe yes. Liability for a hired person doing a job in the way they choose to? I think you might want to investigate the law re: liability.

I think you were a bit blunt with him. Your not in a relationship with him and even if his phone app idea sounds stupid to you I think you should have just humoured him and wished him luck with it rather than telling him he wasn’t experienced enough to do it by himself? Yes you know it’s unlikely he can do it but by telling him so he probably felt you were calling him “thick”? I get the ADHD thing and the bluntness, I know sometimes I speak before thinking and can come across as being blunt or nasty, I am slowly learning to keep my mouth shut.

@WunWun

You're intellectually mismatched.. but he is an architect and you don't seem to have GCSE level English skills.. and you're continuing some weird platonic relationship with a guy you don't even like as a friend for no reason..

What a ridiculous thing to say!! English is her third language and she writes much better than many natives!!

Yeah you were blunt.

And you do sound a bit condescending and judgemental of his choices. You just don’t sound like you like him very much.

You're judging OP's entire character so negatively just from what we know from this thread? That's a pretty weak basis for a full on character insult. What exactly is it that you see as being 'totally unlikable'?

I'll qualify my opinion with the OP's words:
He is completely broke after 8 months stranded without a job and I offered to give him work to do some repairs that I need around my house. This was the first "brush" of the day. I asked him if he could fix my eavesdrops (the part in the roof) since I tried but my ladder was too short and I can't reach. He told me that he has a 6ft ladder (like mine) and that he can do it. My roof is 12-14 ft from the floor, he is approx 5'5'', and even if he was super tall you need to see the roof, not just reach with your fingertips. He is adamant that he can reach.

OP offers him work, then criticizes him for being too short. He can't possibly reach, OP insinuates. Yet he's adamant he can reach. Maybe he can. Possibly he can't. But the OP offered him the work. He didn't ask for it! Why offer him the job in the first place, OP, if you write him off as incapable of completing the job before he's even climbed the bloody ladder?! You ask him to do some work around your house, then moan about him being inept because he's short... hasn't even done the work yet. You're moaning about a pseudo-problem you yourself have created. It's like you're looking for reasons to hate on the guy.

He's 'less than'. The OP makes those views very, very clear throughout this thread. At the end of the day, the OP asked for collective opinions here. I've offered mine and it's not a nice and friendly one, unfortunately.

@mathanxiety thank you so much for your last (and thoughtful) post.

For our ethnicity and generation his height is pretty average so I really don't think there was anything of that sort (short lol) in the background. But in any case, math is math and it is not my job to let him fail and have an accident on my property because he might get hurt feelings if I don't.

You are right that I value certain things over others, but it doesn't mean that I believe that what I like is "superior". This part was misinterpreted a few times, maybe because I used the word intellectual, that is different from intelligence! I never mentioned intelligence nor say he wasn't intelligent. This was also in the context of why we didn't continue dating, not of today's conversation. There are certain areas that are more relevant than others when looking for a partner. These areas are different for each person, but we all look for somebody that fits in and is compatible with us.

I need someone with a passion, motivation, drive. It can be learning how to play the guitar, it doesn't need to be "academic". And we are very mismatched there. I know that it sounds like he is trying to learn something new but it is just a bunch of random moments all over the place.

Going back to the example of the learning how to play the guitar (from zero knowledge), he would just sit and strike the strings wanting to sound like the Rolling Stones. Leave it after 5 minutes and forget about it for a year before coming back to it for another 5 minutes...

If I want to learn how to play the guitar, I am consistent and persevere. I have a plan, first learn the chords, etc.

I also didn't mean to be disparaging of his abilities. This would take me (10+ years of professional experience doing this) a few months to implement. My comment was not really about his capacity of learning, but about his unrealistic expectations.

In conclusion:

• This has been very helpful to keep working on my social skills
• I respect everybody, I don't judge. My best friend is the polar opposite to me and we have little in common
• About Mr H, we have not worked on building the friendship after we stopped dating. He is interested in me romantically and I am not, so the best is to stop contact.

There are bootcamps available to teach people to code. They're springing up all over the place. My partner did one! It's a very good way of getting into coding. So much so, it's a real alternative to spending years at university. Some think it's the way forward. So, to say he couldn't learn it without years at uni, is not really true. Not to downplay your experience of course. Just putting it out there.

I think you were blunt, not nasty in relation to the first 'brush', as you term it. An example of a nasty comment would be if you had said 'A shortarse (derogatory slang for someone who is not tall) like you wouldn't be able to reach the roof'. I personally would have assumed someone with a background in civil engineering or architecture would have been better at assessing what size ladder would be needed but perhaps he usually does not do much 'hands on' work.

The second 'brush' is more complicated. He probably is proud that he has learned to code and must feel disheartened about his income. Your comment may have come across as you trying to reinforce your expertise. A more sensitive approach would have been to discuss how many people are trying to do this sort of work. As a non expert in code writing, three months to write something that isn't operational seems to be a long time to me. Just sending a link could come across as not being that helpful, given that you are friends. I would have said something along the lines of, 'Would you like to talk through your plan? It's a hard field to get into but I'm happy to set aside (whatever time) to be a sounding board?

For the future, most of us do know our limitations in terms of our appearance or abilities, but how the message is delivered makes a difference. Prefacing something with 'I think' or 'I have found that' makes it easier to hear. We also respond to what we think is the motivation behind the remark so it's easier to hear 'I know how hard you have been working on that code and I don't want you to end up disappointed so...'

The flip side of my comments is that there will be people who appreciate bluntness and frankness. Take your cue from the way they speak themselves.

Think it was a bad plan to offer him ‘handiman’ work; and to offer or agree to to look at matters to do with his business. It’s led to awkwardness and negative interactions you could easily have avoided.

Yes you r tried to help and he's been nasty back. If I was you I would have nothing to do with him.

@TheVanguardSix

But she didn't say he was short. There was no personal criticism. She said he wouldn't be able to reach because his ladder wasn't long enough, and the same would be true for a tall person with the same ladder. You are taking down her whole character because she offered him work, and then it turned out his ladder wouldn't be long enough to do it.

I'm curious to know what you would do if someone showed up to fix your roof with nothing but a 6' ladder, saying 'I can reach, I can reach!' Just pay them anyway? Surely you'd have to question how they were going to manage it?

And then you'd be totally unlikeable too.

that nobody goes to university for years if we could learn this on the internet in a couple of hours

It wasn't very tactful or helpful. You basically kicked his sandcastle in front of him.

I'm not saying there's a future with him (because he seems to have big issues to sort out at the moment and I think it's a bit much in the first few months of your relationship), but he's probably panicking as to what to do right now.

@TheVanguardSix

You're judging OP's entire character so negatively just from what we know from this thread? That's a pretty weak basis for a full on character insult. What exactly is it that you see as being 'totally unlikable'?

I'll qualify my opinion with the OP's words:
He is completely broke after 8 months stranded without a job and I offered to give him work to do some repairs that I need around my house. This was the first "brush" of the day. I asked him if he could fix my eavesdrops (the part in the roof) since I tried but my ladder was too short and I can't reach. He told me that he has a 6ft ladder (like mine) and that he can do it. My roof is 12-14 ft from the floor, he is approx 5'5'', and even if he was super tall you need to see the roof, not just reach with your fingertips. He is adamant that he can reach.

OP offers him work, then criticizes him for being too short. He can't possibly reach, OP insinuates. Yet he's adamant he can reach. Maybe he can. Possibly he can't. But the OP offered him the work. He didn't ask for it! Why offer him the job in the first place, OP, if you write him off as incapable of completing the job before he's even climbed the bloody ladder?! You ask him to do some work around your house, then moan about him being inept because he's short... hasn't even done the work yet. You're moaning about a pseudo-problem you yourself have created. It's like you're looking for reasons to hate on the guy.

He's 'less than'. The OP makes those views very, very clear throughout this thread. At the end of the day, the OP asked for collective opinions here. I've offered mine and it's not a nice and friendly one, unfortunately.

"OP offers him work, then criticizes him for being too short".

I see that many of you think that he is short, but I don't. So I could never critize him for it. Are you projecting @TheVanguardSix?

He was telling me about his financial struggle, I offered him a job. I told him that I tried to do it myself but couldn't reach because my ladder is too short. My ladder, not me. You see there? Then he told me his ladder is 6ft tall (like mine) and I told him that he would not reach then. He is 2" taller than me... we are one body short for the roof.

If he would have been offended by that, it wasn't because of me .

You basically kicked his sandcastle in front of him

If someone tells an adult they're not qualified to do something, they should be able to handle it. Preferably by explaining how they are actually qualified, in a different way from the way the person was expecting. And if they can't, their sandcastle needs to come down anyway. There's nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade.

Please don't use ADHD either as an excuse - it makes people impulsive and maybe more likely to blurt things out in some cases, but it doesn't make some emotionally insensitive or have a low EQ. They might say certain things, but would probably regret it shortly after or kick themselves for letting it out.

I don't think you were nasty though. Insensitive or thoughtless in the moment, yes, but nasty requires someone to be calculated about it and to mean harm.

I think it's for the best that you've stopped dating.

In my (long) experience of dating if you meet someone you are certain you don't want to continue the relationship, it's better to abandon the notion of being friends.

He could get hurt if he hopes that your friendship will develop further and he will be constantly reminded that he is not "good enough" for you. (obviously no one is better than anyone else its just compatibility) not good for his self esteem.
It is usually better to politely end contact and free them to meet someone else. I say usually as I could be wrong, maybe some friendships have developed fine this way but I'm not sure.

Also if you are regretful about the website comment could you just apologise and explain that you think your ADHD caused you to say something you think wasn't useful?

@Ladylimpet you are right, but bootcamps are more than 2h long and hands-on, you can ask questions that will be answered... takes time to just get you started

He wants to implement something complex in no time and without support/resources as you would have in a bootcamp

I realize with your post that the university part may sound wrong. Obviously you don't need years to learn how to code. A degree is an integral formation, and I studied physics, math and many other things that took years but I don't use 🙂

I think that it would have been best expressed by saying "Rome was not build in a day. To learn this requires more time than what you are planning"

@nettie434 I am reading your post with attention. Thank you so much for your input.

Just to clarify and avoiding technicalities. He asked me something in terms of "how to play a video" and I sent a link to the software that does that for you. I was not trying to be dismissive and not help by sending a link

I can be blunt, I write emails, then 'add in' the nicer, placating bits after.
It's more difficult in person, and I try and always say something nice. I don't think you were rude or blunt, you told him it was great he wanted to do it but that it was difficult if he'd no training in the specifics.

The flip side of my comments is that there will be people who appreciate bluntness and frankness. Take your cue from the way they speak themselves

I think this is only applicable in a professional capacity. When you're working out of someone is viable to have a personal relationship with, you shouldn't be vetting your speech, you should be filtering out those who don't like your natural way of speaking.

Perhaps you can find a book on improving your social skills.