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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He called me nasty, was I?

135 replies

Lolailo · 13/12/2020 04:13

About a year ago I met a man through OLD and we dated for about 3 months (once a week approx). He is a good guy, but we are intellectually mismatched.

Not long after (3-4 weeks) I told him that I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with him, covid hit and he got "stuck" in a foreign country where he has spent the last 8 months. We have exchanged pleasantries maybe once a month during this time, and he just recently came back and ended his quarantine this week.

He is an architect but does contraction work for a living. He is completely broke after 8 months stranded without a job and I offered to give him work to do some repairs that I need around my house. This was the first "brush" of the day. I asked him if he could fix my eavesdrops (the part in the roof) since I tried but my ladder was too short and I can't reach. He told me that he has a 6ft ladder (like mine) and that he can do it. My roof is 12-14 ft from the floor, he is approx 5'5'', and even is he was super tall you need to see the roof, not just reach with your fingertips. He is adamant that he can reach.

The second "brush", when I was called nasty came a bit later. His idea to get rich is to write a phone application for bets in his spare time. He started a few months ago and it took him three months to write the code for the login screen (not even functional, just the design). He doesn't how to code, and his idea is obviously more complex than a tic-tac-toe game, requiring at credit card transactions, etc. He wants to finish this before the summer, and today he asked me how to do something (I am software engineer). I sent him a link with information about it, and I told him that I didn't want to discourage him and that it is great that he wants to learn, but that nobody goes to university for years if we could learn this on the internet in a couple of hours.

Was my comment out of line? It was definitely honest, not to put him down. But he lives in cuckoo land.

OP posts:
Lolailo · 13/12/2020 05:41

Thank you for the correction @TheStoic. My ex used to correct me in the opposite way and I believed him Blush because he is a native speaker and English is my third language

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 13/12/2020 05:41

ADHD doesn't equal rude! My DD has ADHD and she's the kindest, most sensitive person I know.

Also I agree with the poster who said In my opinion, that was something to think, not something to say out loud

FortunesFave · 13/12/2020 05:43

As a copywriter I get a lot of people asking me what I think of their blogs...I don't say "It's shit..why would you even try when it takes years of study to write well."

I encourage them to keep learning.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 13/12/2020 05:43

I think you were a bit too blunt.
I actually think it would be preferable if everyone were more like people with ADHD!

He needed telling, but in a less blunt way, as he's clearly used to being pandered to.

I really wouldn't worry about it on this occasion and I think you realky need to look out for yourself here as he sounds like a chancer and a manipulative twat.

Walk away before he causes you more grief (or damage to your home!!)

Lolailo · 13/12/2020 05:47

Hahaha yes, that one is easy even for me! I understand that that is unkind, and used an euphemism: intellectually mismatched.

OP posts:
Lolailo · 13/12/2020 05:51

@TheStoic

I think you sound very interesting. To be honest, he would bore me too. I wouldn’t tell him that though. Grin
Hahaha yes, that one is easy even for me! I understand that that is unkind, and used an euphemism: intellectually mismatched

Oops, there were a few messages in between... for context ^

I am not worried about this man. It is more about me as I am trying to understand, learn and better my social skills Smile

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 13/12/2020 05:53

I think it's more the way you said it than what you said. You were blunt, he was a bit sensitive.

I'm blunt, and I upset someone at work this week for telling them they need to do their job, an specifically what they needed to do. Apparently I upset them, but my boss decided the other person was just being over sensitive, and I was right to say what I did. I'm aware enough to realise, with hindsight, I should have been a bit less blunt and more: "is there a reason why you're not doing x y z?"

Have you said to him you think you're intellectually mismatched? Because that would be nasty.

kateluvscats · 13/12/2020 05:55

I think in all honesty you were rude, he's trying to do things to help himself financially and you seem to feel superior over him. We're all human, is he not allowed to make any mistakes. Don't kick him when he's down.

Lolailo · 13/12/2020 06:00

@FortunesFave then you will know that there is inattentive, hyperactive and combined types, that each person presents a different subset of symptoms and that it manifests differently in boys/men and girls/women. My son also has ADHD and it is very different from mine.

You will also know that it is common for people with ADHD to be highly sensitive people, at the same time that they can be impulsive or blunt. They are not mutually exclusive.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 13/12/2020 06:02

I knew you would appreciate the ‘correction’. And that in itself is very refreshing. Most people wouldn’t.

You are perfectly ok just the way you are. But we can all learn how to better get along with other people. The important thing to remember is that just because we would be fine with something, doesn’t mean everyone else would be. And we should probably err to the side of caution.

greenspacesoverthere · 13/12/2020 06:08

and of course I don't really need to say everything that I think, but then what would be the nature of the relationship?

You don't have a relationship with him

I don't see the point in trying to get him to see that he's being overly optimistic - just let him get on with his life and keep out of it

Mamanyt · 13/12/2020 06:14

To many, not all, but man, men, anytime a woman says something that they don't want to hear, she is automatically "nasty." I was called "nasty" for telling a man that he would need special training to do something he wanted to do (sound familiar?) not fifteen minutes after he remarked that I had packed on a few pounds lately. I had not, I had lost two.

At that point, I knew that even a surface friendship between us was not even possible, and cut all communication with the gentleman, who then told my best friend that I was a ball-breaker. His must have been especially fragile.

mathanxiety · 13/12/2020 06:20

I think it was unnecessary and unkind.

I think his reaction stemmed from the earlier interaction with him in which you indirectly called attention to his extremely short stature.

Many short men are very touchy about this, and you made it clear that you noticed it.

He was probably still steaming about that when you made the remark about the difficulty level of his project.

Since you know he is so short and neither of you owns a long ladder, maybe asking him to fix the eaves wasn't such a great idea on your part? It set him up for a challenge he wasn't going to be able to meet without facing the fact that he is only 5'5" (and maybe also that he can't afford to buy a longer ladder).

Yes, his ego was bruised, and maybe he needs to develop a thicker skin because he's never going to be tall, but for your part, don't set people up to fail, and always let people realise for themselves how difficult their projects are. You telling them is always going to come across as patronising and superior.

Also, I think you shouldn't congratulate yourself so much on your intellect while putting others down, basically for the flaw of being different from you. You like getting certificates and he likes posting memes. It's not a competition. He can do something that makes him happy and you can too.

RantyAnty · 13/12/2020 06:24

What you said was perfectly fine. Don't change.

Men are used to women tip toeing around their fragile egos and being a captive audience to their brilliance. They doesn't hesitate to say exactly what's on their mind.

He might have been fishing for you to write the software for him.
Ignore and block this guy. He has nothing to offer.

fatherliamdeliverance · 13/12/2020 06:51

I think the comment was blunt however I'd suggest that it was probably appropriate in this instance. It helped you stave off his questions about coding/ apps otherwise you risked becoming his unpaid advisor throughout the whole project.

Obviously we don't know HOW you said it, whether it was snappy or with a smile (figuratively if by text, I'm not deleting my response to go back to the OP and check the format). That would make the difference as to whether it was unpleasant to hear.

However, men do expect an awful lot of soft- soaping from women and it's possible that this comment fell short of his expectations in that regard without actually being rude.

houseinthesnow · 13/12/2020 07:11

He sounds too precious, not a good match at all.

pog100 · 13/12/2020 07:22

I'm not sure where you're from and I think the problem might be more more in the way that people express themselves in your country.I've lived in several places outside of the UK and we here seem to tie ourselves in knots to say things subtly, whereas there are many cultures they will express themselves much more directly.

isitsnowingyet · 13/12/2020 07:27

@Lolailo

I'm going to be blunt here - from you've said he sounds thick as mince - is he really an architect?

Mooballs · 13/12/2020 07:27

You say that you are intellectually mismatched? Can you clarify what you mean as if your ex is an architect he trained for 7 years...

Lolailo · 13/12/2020 07:32

@mathanxiety he is not extremely short! I made a mistake since I don't use imperial. I am 5'5" (thanks for your comment but I am not short either haha) he is 5'7". Even if he was 6' he would still not reach. I asked him to fix it because he is a contractor, he does that for a living...? and I wanted to help him out because he is broke instead of calling my usual contractor.

I also never mentioned intelligence but rather curiosity and thirst for learning. He is not dumb. You got it all wrong.

OP posts:
lockeddownandcrazy · 13/12/2020 07:33

He sounds like a useless waste of space with pie-in-the-sky ideas that he wants your expertise for. Walk away and block him.

Lolailo · 13/12/2020 07:35

@pog100 you have a very good point there... I am from Spain and we don’t know what political correctness is. But he is from Colombia so our background is not that different.

OP posts:
pog100 · 13/12/2020 07:38

Ah, ok if you are talking in Spanish to each other and know each others cultures then my comment won't apply. Personally I think you are just being necessarily blunt with a bit of a dreamer.

DillonPanthersTexas · 13/12/2020 07:42

So in practical terms what does 'intellectually mismatched' mean. Surely with your online dating profile you know roughly what level education someone has before you meet them?

Shoxfordian · 13/12/2020 07:43

I think your comment was unnecessary, you could have just sent him the weblink and left it at that. No need to be condescending and tell him he won't be able to do it. Maybe you could have done it for him and charged him for your time? The same with the ladder thing really, you could have let him establish for himself that he couldn't do it.

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