He called me nasty, was I?

[Lolailo]

About a year ago I met a man through OLD and we dated for about 3 months (once a week approx). He is a good guy, but we are intellectually mismatched.

Not long after (3-4 weeks) I told him that I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with him, covid hit and he got "stuck" in a foreign country where he has spent the last 8 months. We have exchanged pleasantries maybe once a month during this time, and he just recently came back and ended his quarantine this week.

He is an architect but does contraction work for a living. He is completely broke after 8 months stranded without a job and I offered to give him work to do some repairs that I need around my house. This was the first "brush" of the day. I asked him if he could fix my eavesdrops (the part in the roof) since I tried but my ladder was too short and I can't reach. He told me that he has a 6ft ladder (like mine) and that he can do it. My roof is 12-14 ft from the floor, he is approx 5'5'', and even is he was super tall you need to see the roof, not just reach with your fingertips. He is adamant that he can reach.

The second "brush", when I was called nasty came a bit later. His idea to get rich is to write a phone application for bets in his spare time. He started a few months ago and it took him three months to write the code for the login screen (not even functional, just the design). He doesn't how to code, and his idea is obviously more complex than a tic-tac-toe game, requiring at credit card transactions, etc. He wants to finish this before the summer, and today he asked me how to do something (I am software engineer). I sent him a link with information about it, and I told him that I didn't want to discourage him and that it is great that he wants to learn, but that nobody goes to university for years if we could learn this on the internet in a couple of hours.

Was my comment out of line? It was definitely honest, not to put him down. But he lives in cuckoo land.

@EarthSight We are not dating. We met online last year and dated for 2-3 months only. We have had some sporadic (maybe once a month) and brief text exchanges for the last 10 months.

@Eckhart

You basically kicked his sandcastle in front of him

If someone tells an adult they're not qualified to do something, they should be able to handle it. Preferably by explaining how they are actually qualified, in a different way from the way the person was expecting. And if they can't, their sandcastle needs to come down anyway. There's nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade.

No there isn't, but it's entirely possible to be direct and still have tact & empathy. She probably picked the wrong moment to say this at a time when he was already down and inwardly panicking about his job prospects.

Some people need to hear a spade being called a spade. It's not a bad thing at all, but one also has to take responsibility for those words. Not everyone is going to like them, and there's no use shrugging one's shoulder's to that and saying almost proudly going 'Well you know me, I just call a spade a spade, don't I? If you don't like it, tough'! Well yes.....you can say what you like, but it's not reasonable to then expect everyone around you to 'handle it' without there being some challenge or fall out.

It's not her fault that he's in that position, and it's not her job to encourage unwise or time wasting side projects. She probably thought 'Uh oh' when she saw him starting to put more & more time into this project because she could see (seeing as she comes from a computing background) that it was going to require more work and expertise than he realised and probably was trying to steer him away from an unproductive path, but I happen to not agree with the way it was handled.

Some people need to hear a spade being called a spade. It's not a bad thing at all, but one also has to take responsibility for those words. Not everyone is going to like them, and there's no use shrugging one's shoulder's to that and saying almost proudly going 'Well you know me, I just call a spade a spade, don't I? If you don't like it, tough'! Well yes.....you can say what you like, but it's not reasonable to then expect everyone around you to 'handle it' without there being some challenge or fall out

Yes. If you call a spade a spade, not everybody likes it, and you have to deal with that. That's part being an adult too, though; recognising that not everybody is going like like you. I'm a spade person and can't be doing with 'beat-about-the-bushers'. And sometimes they find me harsh and blunt. Nobody is right or wrong, and that's what I'm trying to get across to OP. You don't need to be anything you're not, you just have to be with people who appreciate what you are.

I know you've gone on to qualify what you meant, OP, and that you didn't actually say this to him but 'intellectual mismatch' when discussing a potential date is usually a euphemism for 'they weren't very bright', or 'there is an imbalance in intelligence between us' rather than expressing different motivation levels, learning styles or interests.

Unfortunately, this can sound a bit obnoxious or immodest (although, of course it is often the case. People don't have exactly the same abilities).

I hope this isn't stating the obvious. I've not read every comment but just thought worth making the distinction as the objective of the thread is to understand how certain turns of phrase come across.

I am married to a Colombian and more or less fluent in Spanish. We often holiday in Spain and have Spanish friends. Whilst Colombians and Spaniards both speak Spanish, culturally there are massive differences. Colombians are much softer and more formal/“polite” in their verbal expression, and we quite often find we have to remind ourselves when speaking to Spanish people that they aren’t necessarily being rude, they just have a much more direct mode of expression in the same language. Perhaps this is exacerbating the situation. Anyhow, sounds like you don’t have much in common even as friends and I’d let the whole thing go.

@Eckhart

The flip side of my comments is that there will be people who appreciate bluntness and frankness. Take your cue from the way they speak themselves

I think this is only applicable in a professional capacity. When you're working out of someone is viable to have a personal relationship with, you shouldn't be vetting your speech, you should be filtering out those who don't like your natural way of speaking.

Thank you @Eckhart, this is what I was trying to question earlier. If I need to be so restrained, what kind of relationship can I form with this person? Just a distant/professional/arm's length one.

In a professional environment, I am not "blunt", but it comes at a cost of not fully expressing my ideas.

In a friendship, it doesn't have place. I would not be able to form a deeper connection if I can't be myself and share my thoughts openly.

In a friendship, it doesn't have place. I would not be able to form a deeper connection if I can't be myself and share my thoughts openly

Me neither. Have you people in your life who appreciate you just as you are?

@Pyewhacket

Perhaps you can find a book on improving your social skills.

@pyewhacket your wit is not lost on me

How to make friends and influence people says I should flatter people to make them like me.

But after that I may need to read "Unf**k yourself" to get over the trauma of been fake and living a lie.

Can't believe people are piling on here.

If this guy is such a timid forest creature, he should stay in the forest and away from other people.

@RantyAnty

Can't believe people are piling on here.

If this guy is such a timid forest creature, he should stay in the forest and away from other people.

Alas, his ladder is too short for him to get up into the trees...

@Eckhart

In a friendship, it doesn't have place. I would not be able to form a deeper connection if I can't be myself and share my thoughts openly

Me neither. Have you people in your life who appreciate you just as you are?

Yes, and birds of a feather... I appreciate honesty and I like straightforward people. I can't stand sweet talkers.

No you weren't nasty. And you were right to point out what you did!

Is he really an architect? That is a very skilled, specialist career, yet he does construction? I call bullshit.
Sounds a bit of a Walter Mitty character

Alas, his ladder is too short for him to get up into the trees...

Well, as English is clearly neither the OP’s nor the offending short arse’s language, we don’t actually know whether he said the OP was “nasty” at all. He might have said a word with a meaning closer to “unkind” or “harsh” for all we know. Bluntness can certainly come across as unkind thoughtlessness, tactlessness and a complete lack of interest in other people’s feelings. And now the OP knows that is how she comes across to this man. Clearly not a fruitful relationship, but then she had already decided that months ago.

As it stands, the OP didn’t mean to come across as unkind at all and was, ironically, trying to be kind, helpful and thoughtful!

I’m a bit surprised that the Canadians equate a civil engineering degree with architecture. They’re very different disciplines.

I think the comment was blunt however I'd suggest that it was probably appropriate in this instance. It helped you stave off his questions about coding/ apps otherwise you risked becoming his unpaid advisor throughout the whole project

As Father has said, above. Exactly what I was thinking. It really naffs me off when people assume skills other people have, having trained for, are simple, and 'any idiot can do it' kind of attitude. Really insulting.

@Lolailo I don't think you were rude or insensitive towards him at all.

On reading the thread, it did make me wonder about my interpretation of your comments as I am autistic and cannot do 'flowery language' therefore it wouldn't occur to me to deliver something other than 'how it is'.

Also, I flatly refuse to pander to the male ego and in my view, there appears to be an element of his ego being bruised about being shorter than average.

I think you sound like a lovely, kind person, who is accepting of possible shortcomings and has a willingness to learn. But in this particular instance, I don't think you did anything wrong. He, on the other hand, needs to 'get over himself'.

OP you say you like straight talkers but you have actually rankled against some of the more blunt comments directed to you here on this thread. I think you value tact a little more than you might admit. Tact is not living a lie btw and it's probably not helpful to think of it like that.

@Lightsontbut I have only corrected people saying he is too short/I called him short, because I don't think he is, and I don't believe he feels that way. That interpretation of events never took place, so it was not applicable.

Other than that, I have taken in all comments, tried to clarify some misinterpretations and directly responded to those comments that were deeper/talked to me the most. I was asking for opinions but the goal is to learn how to evaluate these things independently. Some people offered very valuable advice and I am grateful for that.

I see that many of you think that he is short, but I don't. So I could never critize him for it. Are you projecting @TheVanguardSix?
That was neither nice nor necessary, @Lolailo.

He was telling me about his financial struggle, I offered him a job. I told him that I tried to do it myself but couldn't reach because my ladder is too short. My ladder, not me. You see there? Then he told me his ladder is 6ft tall (like mine) and I told him that he would not reach then. He is 2" taller than me... we are one body short for the roof.
If he would have been offended by that, it wasn't because of me.
That is a cop out.

You are basically saying that it is ok to say whatever comes into your head to someone and if they are offended it must be their problem.

And you are also suggesting that if someone criticises you then they must be projecting.

I have only corrected people saying he is too short/I called him short, because I don't think he is, and I don't believe he feels that way. That interpretation of events never took place, so it was not applicable.

But he is now living in a country where the average male is taller than him.

You are dismissing the interpretation based on your ability to read his mind.

@mathanxiety

She didn't at any point say that he was short. She said he wouldn't be able to reach because he had the same length ladder as her, is roughly the same height, and she couldn't reach, herself.

There is no criticism or even comment upon his height in any of this. How tall 'the average male' is is of no relevance. The average male was not there.

She was implying that he was short like her, Eckhart.

She said neither of them could reach the eaves with a six foot ladder, therefore both of them were equally inadequate in the height department.