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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He called me nasty, was I?

135 replies

Lolailo · 13/12/2020 04:13

About a year ago I met a man through OLD and we dated for about 3 months (once a week approx). He is a good guy, but we are intellectually mismatched.

Not long after (3-4 weeks) I told him that I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with him, covid hit and he got "stuck" in a foreign country where he has spent the last 8 months. We have exchanged pleasantries maybe once a month during this time, and he just recently came back and ended his quarantine this week.

He is an architect but does contraction work for a living. He is completely broke after 8 months stranded without a job and I offered to give him work to do some repairs that I need around my house. This was the first "brush" of the day. I asked him if he could fix my eavesdrops (the part in the roof) since I tried but my ladder was too short and I can't reach. He told me that he has a 6ft ladder (like mine) and that he can do it. My roof is 12-14 ft from the floor, he is approx 5'5'', and even is he was super tall you need to see the roof, not just reach with your fingertips. He is adamant that he can reach.

The second "brush", when I was called nasty came a bit later. His idea to get rich is to write a phone application for bets in his spare time. He started a few months ago and it took him three months to write the code for the login screen (not even functional, just the design). He doesn't how to code, and his idea is obviously more complex than a tic-tac-toe game, requiring at credit card transactions, etc. He wants to finish this before the summer, and today he asked me how to do something (I am software engineer). I sent him a link with information about it, and I told him that I didn't want to discourage him and that it is great that he wants to learn, but that nobody goes to university for years if we could learn this on the internet in a couple of hours.

Was my comment out of line? It was definitely honest, not to put him down. But he lives in cuckoo land.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 14/12/2020 22:02

If you can find a 'You're short' implication in a 'Your ladder is the same length of mine' statement, I wish you the very best of luck.

mathanxiety · 15/12/2020 04:50

'Your ladder is the same length as mine therefore neither of us can reach it' implies that they have just about the same stature.

This man was 'adamant' that he could. It should have been clear that he was touchy about height.

FourPlatinumRings · 15/12/2020 05:11

Nah, I'm with Eckhart here. Lots of men overestimate what they can reach/jump etc. Doesn't mean they're touchy about it. And even if they are, it's a simple statement of fact, not an insult. What was OP meant to do, hire him anyway knowing he didn't have the tools for the job?

mathanxiety · 15/12/2020 05:31

This one is 5'7" which is not tall for a man in western Europe. Men are touchy about height. There is such a thing as short man syndrome, an inferiority complex arising from perceived problems with height. It afflicts short men and it is definitely a thing. This man was 'adamant' that he could reach the eaves using a ladder the same height as the OP's. He took the implied reference to his height as a slight.

She did hire him knowing he didn't have the right tools for the job. She also failed to look into her accident and liability coverage before embarking on the repair.

FourPlatinumRings · 15/12/2020 05:46

It's below average, yes. But I think it's a stretch to say that all men of below average stature suffer from 'short man syndrome'. Studies have shown it affects men who feel less masculine- short men who aren't worried about it don't experience the same effects. Besides which, doesn't short man syndrome (or the Napoleon complex) refer to a tendency to seek out violent acts and pick fights?

mathanxiety · 15/12/2020 05:57

I didn't say all men below a certain height have this problem.

I said it is likely that a man who is 'adamant' he can reach the eaves when it is clear he can't probably does.

Has this man not reacted to all of this in a way that puzzled her because he went on the attack?
She herself used the term 'brush' to describe their interactions.

pilates · 15/12/2020 06:32

No I don’t think you were blunt just truthful. Nothing wrong with that.

Eckhart · 15/12/2020 07:28

@mathanxiety

She did hire him knowing he didn't have the right tools for the job

No, she didn't. She saw the ladder after he'd accepted the job. That's been clearly stated.

If 'men' (as you like to seepingly generalise) are 'touchy about height', do you really think that the solution is for women to change their behaviour? Where do you live? 1950?

mathanxiety · 16/12/2020 05:01

I asked him if he could fix my eavesdrops (the part in the roof) since I tried but my ladder was too short and I can't reach. He told me that he has a 6ft ladder (like mine) and that he can do it. My roof is 12-14 ft from the floor, he is approx 5'5'', and even is he was super tall you need to see the roof, not just reach with your fingertips. He is adamant that he can reach.
...
I offered him a job. I told him that I tried to do it myself but couldn't reach because my ladder is too short. My ladder, not me. You see there? Then he told me his ladder is 6ft tall (like mine) and I told him that he would not reach then.

@Eckhart
No, she knew his ladder was 6 feet but she pressed on with engaging him - the conversation about the ladder was the one where she offered him the job.

It would have been a far better idea, if she was so concerned about liability, and if she was so certain that their almost identical stature meant that only a longer ladder would do, to inquire first about his equipment.

Though how she expected someone who is flat stony broke to be able to afford anything but the cheapest and most basic tools of the trade I do not know. He has been out of quarantine for one week, having been stranded abroad due to covid, perhaps working, perhaps not.

Also, I said 'many short men are touchy about height'.

mathanxiety · 16/12/2020 05:02

And she could not have failed to notice that 5'7" is on the short side in the UK.

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