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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He called me nasty, was I?

135 replies

Lolailo · 13/12/2020 04:13

About a year ago I met a man through OLD and we dated for about 3 months (once a week approx). He is a good guy, but we are intellectually mismatched.

Not long after (3-4 weeks) I told him that I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with him, covid hit and he got "stuck" in a foreign country where he has spent the last 8 months. We have exchanged pleasantries maybe once a month during this time, and he just recently came back and ended his quarantine this week.

He is an architect but does contraction work for a living. He is completely broke after 8 months stranded without a job and I offered to give him work to do some repairs that I need around my house. This was the first "brush" of the day. I asked him if he could fix my eavesdrops (the part in the roof) since I tried but my ladder was too short and I can't reach. He told me that he has a 6ft ladder (like mine) and that he can do it. My roof is 12-14 ft from the floor, he is approx 5'5'', and even is he was super tall you need to see the roof, not just reach with your fingertips. He is adamant that he can reach.

The second "brush", when I was called nasty came a bit later. His idea to get rich is to write a phone application for bets in his spare time. He started a few months ago and it took him three months to write the code for the login screen (not even functional, just the design). He doesn't how to code, and his idea is obviously more complex than a tic-tac-toe game, requiring at credit card transactions, etc. He wants to finish this before the summer, and today he asked me how to do something (I am software engineer). I sent him a link with information about it, and I told him that I didn't want to discourage him and that it is great that he wants to learn, but that nobody goes to university for years if we could learn this on the internet in a couple of hours.

Was my comment out of line? It was definitely honest, not to put him down. But he lives in cuckoo land.

OP posts:
TornadoOfSouls · 13/12/2020 07:49

I don’t think you were rude or nasty, it’s not your job to bolster his ego.

Lolailo · 13/12/2020 07:54

@isitsnowingyet @Mooballs he studied civil engineering in Colombia (5 years I think) but he showed me some paperwork he had to do to get his studies recognized in Canada ... they could not approve him as civil engineer but as an architect [hmmm].

The intellectual mismatch... didn't say he is dumb. Different sex intellectual drives? The amount of stimulation we require differs greatly

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 13/12/2020 07:58

I wouldn't worry about an exchange with one person. If lots of people are saying it then you might want to soften your expression.

You can't assess it from one exchange because so much depends on the other person.

Backbee · 13/12/2020 07:59

No, I don't think it was nasty, it's true. If you said to him you wanted to do x activity that requires a deep level of knowledge in his field, he would probably say the same, and to boot likely be annoyed that you see what he does as easy when it's not. If you were dating you would likely know him better and he would know you better, so you'd establish different ways of communicating and know what it hurtful and what isn't etc, but as is, I'd just let it go, and cut contact with him.

picklemewalnuts · 13/12/2020 08:00

I'd agree the mismatch isn't necessarily an intellectual one.
More of a personality type issue- you are more driven and focussed, he is more laid back.

WunWun · 13/12/2020 08:03

You're intellectually mismatched.. but he is an architect and you don't seem to have GCSE level English skills.. and you're continuing some weird platonic relationship with a guy you don't even like as a friend for no reason..

Sushi123 · 13/12/2020 08:03

I don't think you were nasty at all. I do think you should cut ties with this man as he has no place in your life

Iwonder08 · 13/12/2020 08:04

OP, I don't understand, what exactly were you trying to do? If you are not dating the man and clearly not friends with him.. Why are you even keeping in touch?
I think he might have a point of calling you nasty.. If you don't believe he can do the app why even bother sending him links with the passive aggressive comments about university? You don't think highly of him(different level intellectually as you mentioned at the beginning of your post), he might have sensed it before.. If you don't like the person then just don't talk to him. There is no need to humiliate them

Lolailo · 13/12/2020 08:05

@Shoxfordian are you saying sending him a quote would have been kinder?

(Not to mention why you assume I have the spare time for his project or he the money to pay me)

As per the ladder... having somebody with a 6 ft ladder trying to reach a 14 ft roof in my property? Just two words come to my mind: accident and liability.

OP posts:
TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 13/12/2020 08:05

I realise that this is not the point of your question but I'm just wondering what sort architect he would be if he had 'not read a book in his life and spends most of his spare time on posting memes on Instagram.' Confused

Beautiful3 · 13/12/2020 08:05

I dont think you were rude at all. I agree with you, how can someone code an app when they haven't studied it?! If its going to use credit cards then it has to be protected from hackers. Sounds like he's better off paying someone to do it, or offering them a 50% share in return. I met someone who contemplated leaving his skilled job to become a gardener (as they get paid very well around here). I explained that he would have to get qualifications, as he knew nothing about plants/flowers/trees. He got annoyed with me because, " it's just gardening!" Every job requires skill, some more than others.

CheetasOnFajitas · 13/12/2020 08:06

@WunWun

You're intellectually mismatched.. but he is an architect and you don't seem to have GCSE level English skills.. and you're continuing some weird platonic relationship with a guy you don't even like as a friend for no reason..
You obviously missed the bit where OP said English was her third language!
year5teacher · 13/12/2020 08:06

I don’t think what you said was particularly harsh but it’s hard to say you think you are “intellectually mismatched” without coming across a bit obnoxious, no offence. I also feel like maybe you keep this guy around to make yourself feel clever, I don’t know.

WunWun · 13/12/2020 08:07

Ah, yes I did Blush Sorry OP!

borntobequiet · 13/12/2020 08:08

Knowing about different things doesn’t make you intellectually mismatched. You seem confused.
It doesn’t sound as though you get on, so probably best to avoid.

mathanxiety · 13/12/2020 08:09

5'5" is a respectable height for women.
5'7" is very short for a man.

You are still not seeing the point - your repeated questioning of whether he could reach high enough was probably hurtful. He was 'adamant' that he could reach the roof. I think you should have backed off at that point and let him figure out for himself whether he could or could not. He is a contractor and you are a software engineer. Don't horn in on his turf.

And while you didn't mention intelligence per se, you clearly do value curiosity and thirst for knowledge higher than posting memes.

You may not have examined your thoughts on this topic too closely, but you made some remarks that make you come across as feeling superior to him:
That opinion came from very different reasons when we were getting to know each other. I am inquisitive and curious. I like to read, learn and cultivate my mind. He admitted he had not read a book in his life and spends most of his spare time posting memes on Instagram. During lockdown I finally found the time to learn things I wanted and as a result earned two certificates. He just "got bored" (8 months without working - I would do so many things!! but getting bored is not one of them)

I see a good deal of comparing and contrasting here, and not much living and letting live. You don't have to date this man or even pursue a friendship with him, but a comparison in which it is implied that one person has made better use of her time than the other, that one person's priorities and interests are superior to the other's may cause you difficulties. People are different. Even people who never read can be interesting and funny and nice to be around. If they're not your cup of tea then avoid them, but don't be dismissive of them.
.........

1 I sent him a link with information about it, and I told him that I didn't want to discourage him and that it is great that he wants to learn, but that nobody goes to university for years if we could learn this on the internet in a couple of hours.

2 But was my comment hurtful though? I would not be offended if I asked him how to do an addition to my house and he told me "wait, do you know about permits, structures, codes, etc? There is a reason why I studied for years, it is not like building Ikea furniture"

Some thoughts:
'It is great that he wants to learn' is a patronising thing to say and if that is a reflection of your feelings here, then it's a patronising attitude.

There is a subtle difference between those two statements. The first comes across as a curt put-down, and patronising. The second is more matter of fact and neutral.
.......
He has some time on his hands and wants to get a project he has in his head accomplished by summer. You think this shows he is living in cuckoo land. But he is making use of his time to better himself, just as you did but in his own way. Can he not get some credit for his initiative here? It seems to me he can't win for losing. He has the right to be wrong about his timetable. It doesn't matter to you at all if he turns out to be wrong. You don't have to save him from making the mistake you think he is making.

You gave him a link to some material that he might find helpful for his project, along with a disparaging comment related to his ability to understand and benefit from it. There are teenagers making money as app developers. He is an architect and has spent many years in university earning his qualification, so presumably he can have at least a good stab at making use of your link. While his progress to date has been slow, he does have something to show for his efforts, and he may be busy doing his contracting work too. You seem determined to see the glass half empty, to disparage, and you are shifting the goalposts here too. His project isn't the sort of thing you would choose but that's ok - we are all different.

Porcupineinwaiting · 13/12/2020 08:19

You, not him.

mathanxiety · 13/12/2020 08:22

he studied civil engineering in Colombia (5 years I think) but he showed me some paperwork he had to do to get his studies recognized in Canada ... they could not approve him as civil engineer but as an architect Hmm

Professional qualifications are not portable all around the globe. I can't think of any profession where evaluation of your credentials doesn't take place if you move away from the country where you were initially educated and accredited. It's not a reflection on his degree or on his intelligence that Canada examined his credentials and approved him for architecture. Architecture and civil engineering have a good deal of overlap but there may have been coursework that wasn't relevant to Canadian conditions or a lack of coursework relevant to Canadian conditions.

As for app development, I see no reason why a civil engineer wouldn't be able to have a good stab at it despite the lack of specialised education. About half the people I went to university with in the mid 1980s (not studying comp sci, not even close) got into IT.

Piwlyfbicsly · 13/12/2020 08:22

Your last comment to him about the app was condescending, patronising and unnecessary. It could have been worded differently or kept unsaid.

Walkaround · 13/12/2020 08:23

@Lolailo - well, you basically told him that he’s too thick to know whether or not he can reach your eaves with his own ladder, so implied he’s no good at his own job; then you were patronising to him about your own area of expertise. And you drew attention to his short stature. You win every prize in the book for accidentally being offensive in ways that will hurt someone’s pride!
Is my answer blunt enough for you?

Shoxfordian · 13/12/2020 08:26

I didn't assume that at all, just a suggestion. Maybe you could have offered to help him if you want to be friends instead of being patronising and unkind?

Probably best to draw a line under it anyway, you don't want to date him and doesn't seem you have any respect for him

sonjadog · 13/12/2020 08:26

You are being quite unkind about him here, so I can imagine that you can be also be unkind to him in person. Your comments would have been better unsaid.

Walkaround · 13/12/2020 08:27

So yes, you were nasty. There - definitely blunt enough now.

Eckhart · 13/12/2020 08:42

I am trying to learn to measure when I am "too" honest and when it is just enough, and it is not so easy because of my ADHD

I think this reads like 'I'm trying to learn when I'm being too much 'myself', in order that I can hide a part of myself in order to meet other people's needs, at the expense of respecting myself.'

The question really is, do you have people in your life who love you as you are? If so, you don't need to change. If not, you need to meet more people. The key to success in life is not to change yourself to become what you think is acceptable. You'll only end up doing an impression of an 'acceptable' person, so you won't be yourself. Fakes aren't popular. People who are confident even when they make mistakes are.

TheVanguardSix · 13/12/2020 08:49

OP, you have a superiority complex and no insight into this fact. You sound totally unlikable.