Dating Thread 197 - Dating into 2021 and beyond

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I don't understand the need for game playing either, but a lot of people do it. Not helped by all the "advice" on the internet.

I've spoken about dating with him a fair bit over the years, and his view is that if he doesn't play the games he'll be at a disadvantage as everyone else does it. He was hurt quite badly quite a few years ago, and this seems to be the way he has dealt with it. I'm not even sure he's doing it intentionally - he just seems to want to impress her and "win" her affections.

Saying that, he has given a couple of signs already that this isn't long-term - telling her that he will be leaving the country in the new year for work for example.

@ThisTooShallBe valid question, but he is a decent guy overall. And I suspect he's not alone in how he views dating - although I'm not justifying his behaviour. Also I try to change his views, so hopefully will have a positive effect on his behaviour.

It's a shame, as from what I've seen she seems like a lovely woman, and no doubt this will hurt her, and make her think all guys are arseholes, which will make it harder for her to trust the next guy she meets - who may well be lovely and genuine.

I don't post often but read always, so sorry to those of you that are finding things difficult at the moment but I really do admire the strength and boundaries you have!
@30somethingandstillsingle that is so lovely, like something you'd read on one of those "what does your partner do yo show he cares?" Threads. I hope you do have the conversation soon and live happily ever after!
Not much to report from me, my situ is complex. I had a (fab) social yest with a guy I can't quite work out.. he's very upfront about fancying me and is great in person, but comms in between isn't what I'm used to. Wondering how important this is for a FWB..still musing and thinking about what has been said on this thread re questions/interest.

@Wasail you've hit the nail on the head there - it's the process of wooing and "winning" her that he's excited about, not so much the actual person, who in reality he doesn't actually know. It's full on lovebombing, but if you've never been hurt by it before you probably won't see it for what it is.

@30somethingandstillsingle that sounds super romantic!!! Are you sure he doesn't want more?

So it really is BS until it's proven not to be BS. I need to develop a thicker skin I think.

This thread is so bloody useful though instead of getting all over excited about Mr Stone I'm noticing things I'm sure I wouldn't have in previous days.

I have given him a few tit-bits of info (ill cat, something about kids) and noting no 'How many cars do you have?' 'What's up with the kid?') Also did my usual three Qs re music, food, global travel - asked as a convo starter not because I judge people in what they like to eat or where they've been
Usually responses are 'Oooooh good Qs!' and immediate responses but this one took three days of pondering then said 'I'll ask you about your answers one day...'
Righto. I'll not hold my breath for that.
Reminds me of the time an ex iron said he'd ask me about my full-back tattoo artwork 'one day'. Prick. Should have binned him there and then.

On the upside noting these possible indicators of non-compatibility is making me not giddy and seeing tomorrow's meet as a 'hmmmmm maybe' rather than an 'OMG he could be The One!!!!"

This is all good.
I'll start a little log file in him now. As I do.

OMG cat, I do not like your friend! But I suppose it's a valuable insight into the tactics of a dating wanker. I think I always suspected that quite a lot of this went on amongst the emotionally irresponsible, and, like wasail said, some men just want to feel that giddy high of infatuation without it having much to do with the person they're seeing. There should be a law against it, IMHO

I also have just had a job interview, for a very part time but interesting and remunerative position. I don't hold out much hope. They did say they'd had lots of great applicants, this is my first interview for at least 10 years, they asked "So what do you think you would bring to this role?" (always a killer), I drew a deep breath and started "Welll...." and then the computer gave a strangled scream and the screen filled with multicoloured pixellated snow. By the time I'd restarted the laptop and reestablished contact, I'd lost the thread somewhat...

So I talked through the Mr FF situation with my therapist this morning.
I have again come to the conclusion he's a game playing dick (and doing exactly what @TheCatWithTheHat friend does, he wants to win) he didn't win (I.e. I say no, I'm not playing this shitty game, goodbye) so he's slunk off to try to win his game elsewhere. He's a director at 35, this means he's used to winning at his game. He hasn't tried to make it right with me, because he didn't want me, he wanted to win. By shutting down his game - I forced his hand so he sulked. It's pathetic really.

This was confirmed by the addition to his fab profile (p.s. I know a stunning lady so can do mff or mfmf fun) - which is far far from the ' I want a deep connected relationship that fulfills my sexual and emotional needs' bollocks he told me.
Thing is I think he does want it ... but to get it he has to be vulnerable and stop playing his game, neither of which he wants to do because he thinks he is top dog, his looks and chat and money will run out and he'll be a lonely old man with lots of sexual prowess stories but no one that really cares for him.

I honestly think he will come back at some point. I will try to remember all this when he does.

My therapist said the words he used in wooing me, we suggestive of him being more submissive than he wants to admit. And that she thinks he's a coward. 😂

In other news I had got a hey are you up message from Mr BeachHut at 1am Sunday morning... I ignored it. I responded yesterday - no I wasn't why?.
He said he was drunk and out with a female friend that wants to try a mff and did he know anyone who might be up for it. I am particularly proud of my slightly comedic but not outright slagging reply.....

'Wow! Well it’s a good job my bisexuality is just about me making connections with people regardless of their sex and not that it makes me a toy for people to try out their fantasies on isn’t it. Otherwise that would be pretty shitty. Besides you know my rule in life - No Respect = No Sex. It’s a fucking winning Motto.'

I'm not sure I'll hear from him again

Promise I will read everyone’s comments I’ve just had a manic day - off for date three with Mr Long Walk - if there’s no kiss this date that’s it right? He’s friend zoned me??

(I will catch up later I promise!)

@30somethingandstillsingle wow Mr Tall is bringing his A game! An hour’s drive to leave something on your step? He sounds like he really likes you or at least is just a super nice guy.

@TheCatWithTheHat I’m sorry your friend is a complete arsehole. A man recently said to me that men like him on the sites ruin it for all the decent men as women are all so guarded and defensive as a result. He should not be allowed to date!

@Ruralbliss liked the video, wish I had seen it back in March 🙄 How’s your spreadsheet of men going?

@crackofdoom 😱 re the job interview. Did they get back in touch?

@cravingthelook great response! You are on fire atm! 🔥

I am going to stay at Mr Ginger’s tonight. He is cooking for me. He has got the house to himself. Last weekend was a weekend away in a hotel. He mostly treated me despite me insisting on paying for some things, and we had a brilliant time. He also came round yesterday afternoon for a couple of hours (which we spent in bed and he was amazing) and he met my housemate who thought he was lovely. I seem to be sleepwalking into a relationship I had not been planning on ... 🤔. I’m thankful for the distraction of Christmas and the opportunity to pull it back I think. I do like him but this was not in my plans ...

@UtterSocks Mr Ginger sounds really lovely too, why the reservation?

Strong @cravingthelook strong 💪

And there's me wishing I was bi so I could bin off blokes for a while.

Bloody hell re MrFF what a facade he/they present. Still odd that he didn't pursue you. But good that he didn't given he's revealed himself to be a player and you weren't to know that.

No spreadsheet here. Just the one iron after a plethora of conversations I let slide on Tinder as they weren't doing it for me.

Mr Stone texted me 'Are you having second thoughts re meeting tomorrow?'
Errrrrrrrr
No. Are you? Why do you ask that?
Something about self doubt & text being a bit rubbish form of comms. I looked back & could see nothing other than my slightly curt response to his 'I'll ask you some Qs one day' (great look forward to it)
I pointed out that I don't tend to spend a whole evening chatting on the phone then decide 'Nah'.

Odd. It's logged.
Genuinely looking forward to it despite forecast being freezing lashing rain & us sticking to The Rules. Will report in with update when I'm back.

@Eesha where's his ex going and dies she go there often?
Might be doable if he can regularly get you over while she's elsewhere?

@Ruralbliss did you mean someone else?

I did @Eesha apologies.

That was for @UtterSocks and her Mr Ginger being great but annoyingly still residing with ex.

Good luck longtimelurkerl - hope you get that kiss. I went on 3 dates earlier this year with a guy where no kiss materialised - I had no clue whether he fancied me or just enjoyed my company. We didn't get to a forth 😄

Slow going on apps. 1 match messaged yesterday just to say only passing through area for work but wanted to say photos were nice. 2nd Messaged and few messages in admitted he still loved with ex- I don't have the energy to get involved in that set up so wished him well. 3rd Messaged to say he hadn't read my profile properly and he was a smoker so wished him well and unmatched too. No convos currently that I think are going anywhere 🤷‍♀️

"I seem to be sleepwalking into a relationship I had not been planning on ... 🤔. I’m thankful for the distraction of Christmas and the opportunity to pull it back I think. I do like him but this was not in my plans ..."

• I'm in the same boat @UtterSocks

Christmas may be a good opportunity to reflect on things. Do you think things are moving too quickly or do you mean you planned to be single for a while? Personally I wasn't really expecting to meet someone so soon after my last relationship. But I'm enjoying how things are going so far, I just have a strange feeling in my stomach, like I need to be by myself for some time. I don't know....

Not one to be completely without a chat.
Chatting to a guy from fab that actually has been messaging before the tornado that was MrFF.
He's actually very local and works a mile from where I live so we going to do a lunch break walk Monday or Tuesday.
He's wanting a FWB so we'll see. I'm not chatting loads. I'll meet and see how I feel.

Oh and for those of you that have nightmare ex's my therapist went through a wonderful visualisation today with me. To use to centre me if my ex irritates me on Christmas Day

Close your eyes, imagine your personal space and boundary. What colour is your space? What is your boundary made of? (Can be anything) is that space open to others? Do you need an additional boundary when things get tough? Whenever you struggle just visualise yourself there.

My space was green and the boundary is conifers. I have a sparkly gold directable force field if I need it. My DD2 is in my space standing by my side and she is my tether so I don't throw my forcefield full power ... I just use it when I'm being pushed or feel invaded.

@30somethingandstillsingle wow so exciting so cool! Lucky you!

@TheCatWithTheHat you friend sounds awful, I hope there aren’t many like him!

Go for it @cravingthelook sounds like it could be good.

Ok so, update - no kiss. So the situation is 2 out of 3 dates have now been walks (no hugely sexy) but we def get on, def have fun, he’s been initiating all texting last few days (have tried to wait on purpose to see what he did and he’s started the convo the whole time). At the end of the date today (2.5 hours, it got dark so natural end) he said remind me when you’re back in London (he’d asked previously) and ‘I hope I’ll see you soon) and then we (wearing masks) had a goodbye hug and got on the train. Thoughts please. Honestly. Is he just waiting for me to do the kiss thing? Is he not interested/playing me?

@LongtimelurkerL Perhaps he is shy, i would somehow ask the question during your chats that you weren't sure if he was interested. This should give him the chance to say yay or nay. He might just be being respectful which is lovely.

Thanks @Eesha yeah think I will try to invite him to something a bit big - eg ice skating or something and see what happens. I think he is being respectful but urgh what do I know. I’ve not dealt with someone not kissing me by this point but maybe it’s good??? Who knows

@LongtimelurkerL i would ask him straight out during a chat before your next date. At least then you would know the score and he would know you'd be receptive to a kiss!

My weekend plans of Xmas markets have been cancelled as Mr Yoga has been scared of the recent news of covid cases rising. TBH I agree this time so I'm quite ok to not see him. He is also isolating till Xmas as has to be the point of contact for some relatives.

@cravingthelook I'm going to try the space visualisation. My ex is an alcoholic and it deeply saddens me to see him that way even though he has been abusive to me in the past. It's not that I love him, it's just this person I once deeply cared for is so deeply entrenched in drink and I would never want anything bad to happen to him. It's very hard at times.