Dating Thread 197 - Dating into 2021 and beyond

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Hmmmm...still thinking about questions. You know, I feel that if conversation is flowing quite nicely, then there don't have to necessarily be loads of questions. For example, "I just got tickets to see Idles!" (I have actually ). "That's great, I love Model Village. I really like Sleaford Mods, too". "Yeah, me too, it almost makes me want to visit Nottingham". "Oh, I used to live in Nottingham..." etc etc etc...

Sometimes, too many questions can be a bit of a sign that a conversation is lagging, don't you think?

I'm actually chatting to a woman on Fab at the moment, we're getting on famously by swapping massive great chatty paragraphs without actually asking too many questions. I think she's got great mate potential, at least.

[quote Ruralbliss]I discovered this woman last night and worth a share

[/quote] Love this video @Ruralbliss - thank you!

I had an interview today but believe it's an unpaid position. The interviewer really liked me so there is a high chance it will be offered to me but I will turn it down as I'm not working for free.

This new years eve I will be getting all glammed and dressed up to sit on the sofa. I will be wearing a dress I bought last year for new years eve that is black sparkly and skin tight, I look amazing in it. I'd like a man to see me in it but I don't need a man to tell me how hot I look as I already know; I'm not waiting any longer to wear it, hopefully the first occasion of many for the dress.

@ruralbliss

I feel the same...with the guy I'm dating I like it when he messages me first so I know he's interested!

@Dancerinthemoonlight love that you are getting dressed up for yourself on NYE! I bet you look hot AF and hope you raise a glass to yourself and your fabulousness! (I will even raise one for you!)

No idea what I am doing on NYE @Eesha. I usually go to see my oldest and best friend and stay at her lovely house in the country, drinking prosecco in the hot tub, enjoying lovely meals and we have a NYE dinner and then go to a fantastic New Year's Day 'leftovers' party where everyone brings Christmas food and booze from their kitchens and we have an amazing time and polish it all off before Dry January. It has got me through 3 hard New Years after exH fucked off (my kids do their own thing) but this year is going to be totally shit isn't it? OK with Christmas with the kids, have some lovely plans and excited DS home for a couple of weeks, but NYE always been a tricky and sad one for me, so no idea.

@Ruralbliss thanks for the video - hope Mr Stone has messaged?

@cravingthelook utter respect to you for maintaining your standards, knowing your worth and behaving like a queen!

I've just thought of another red flag for me which is a complete deal breaker - financial independence. I don't need a rich guy but after my cocklodging ex I don't want someone who expects a free ride from me either. Also - men who depend on women are like fucking children. Mr Bike was so named because he didn't drive (at 46) and I live somewhere where it is really quite essential (I'd get it in London, I wouldn't drive there either) and the onus was always on me to pick him up.

Also @crackofdoom - good point. Maybe swap the 'doesn't ask questions' red flag to 'doesn't listen and talks over me to get the conversation back to him' (and we are back to Mr Beard ahaha)

Hi everyone! I have missed a few threads and taken a break from dating and apps since the end of October. I finally managed to move house and completely ran out of interest or enthusiasm for dating.
Now I am finally living on my own (with older kids) I can actually consider being spontaneous about dating and my standards have shot up.
I have been catching up on the chat on this thread and the musings about irons asking questions. This is something that has bothered me about a lot of potential irons and I have found that I generally don’t bother continue with a conversation if they show no interest in me. It doesn’t have to be hundreds of questions but they need to show interest. I’m actually quite a catch (and not at all modest ) and I would like them to realise this, but I’m not going to spoon feed them this information.

@UtterSocks your usual NYE sounds amazing! I wish I had a friend like that!!

My lasting memory of NYE was a huge amount of abuse and threats of the police and me being terrified in my home. I enjoyed spending the following years alone with lovely food and t.v! I would love to do something nice with Mr Yoga and make new memories but I also don't want to put undue pressure on things as i know it's only a day.

My god, there are a lot of survivors of abusive relationships on this thread, aren't there? Disproportionately so, or could it be that we reflect the actual level of abuse that's out there?

My ex always manages to work it so that I have the kids on NYE . Well, I don't care. NYE is for amateurs, anyway (flounce).

Thanks @Ruralbliss - I'll take a look at the links.

And you too @UtterSocks

I don't feel strong, I've had a lot of tears last night and today. For a man that told me he is 'captivated' by me and our conversation was almost a negotiation of our blossoming relationship we were so aligned. He was very open about liking me. I just couldn't accept the communication fail. But- he gave up pretty quickly. He's back on fab tonight, I've hidden my profile. This one stung really badly. My best friend will say I told you so.

Mr Swan let me down today, it was the icing on the cake.

Then I got stuck in a traffic jam for over an hour

I don't want to think about it anymore but I can't switch my head off - might try a sleeping pill.

Hi @Wasail 👋Glad your post move energies are returning and you are able to prioritise yourself once more

Yes @Dancerinthemoonlight that is a very strong move for NYE I might copy you over here.

My XH took up mid life raving a few years ago leaving me with the kids, quality Street and tv for two days at New Years and then we'd all enjoy watching him twitch on the sofa for a day or so when he returned 😐so for ages it's been about them and not me.

I'm not fussed and especially not fussed this year knowing no one is doing anything.

One of my dear friends would often overwinter with us here as her off grid caravan to dank and awful but she is in the final stages of untreated breast cancer so I will be giving grateful thanks on NYE to my health, my life & house being free of XH and my ten year friendship with a strong wonderful woman.

I didn't manage to sit on hands and not text Mr Stone after a nice little flurry in the morning then nothing I sent him a funny 'It's Friday/schools out' gif as I head home for last time for the Xmas hols.

He was straight back at me with lots of comment and nice stuff. I got an idea he might have been not wanting to disturb me at work but as you lot know there is nothing I like more than to be chairing a complex phone call whilst staying on top of my correspondence.

We chatted on the phone for another two hours. Bloody loads not only in common with each other but also I note has the same exact skills and vibe I admired in MrVW but loads of additionals too.
I told him straight 'I love the distraction of a text at work and it's a super power of mine being able to run things there but have a textual conversation going too...'
he was all "Ahhhhh ok I was consciously not getting in touch as didn't want to disturb you and really do nothing want to be anything other than a delight to you"

(As @cravingthelook will testify it's all BS until it isn't and words are cheap but nice touch)

I know it's easy to say this ahead of meeting and getting to know someone but this one feels different to the others. My kind of vibe not a vibe I wish I had.
Hard to explain. I'll probably eat my words on Sat if there's not a mutual spark. Be nice if there is though.

You have a good cry @cravingthelook it's a bereavement of sorts but as you know from advising others you didn't know the whole person and he must have not been prize-worthy enough for you. Or emotionally stunted, or a twazack or as rubbish in the sack as my recent iron. Or all of the above.

You'll be ok. Ride the wave of shock, rejection and sadness then dust yourself off and soldier on (just the three mixed metaphors there for you).

It hurts because you're human. And because they're uncaring.

Damn, craving. Why did he have to do that? There was no need for future faking. He could have just been honest about his intentions .

I think you can get a bit of a cumulative effect if you've had a few rejections/ ghostings quite close together. Easy to try and downplay the emotional effect it has on us, but it can be fucking tough xx

Sorry about your friend rural

@cravingthelook sorry to hear about Mr FF. It can hurt so much when it's in the early stages. I'm sure we've all been there, so you're certainly not alone.

@cravingthelook I took a look back at your posts where you met MrFF & how mutually excited and interested and keen to meet you both (seemingly) were.

What I don't get with these blokes is are they (a) faking it but appear to be in the same place as us feeling like we've met a great match in terms of looks, likes, intellect, vibe etc OR (b) they are genuine but fickle so although they are feeling it whenst chatting and arranging the dates they are easily swayed by other options.

I can't imagine finding someone I thought was of interest (as it's a pretty rare thing) then thinking 'Nah. Can't be arsed.' and letting them slide. Why would they (looking at you MrFF you toe-rag) do that.

People are weird is the only thing I can come up with and I think @crackofdoom is right about the cumulative effect of rejections.

Hence me saying after MrVW I'm done with getting involved in uninterested men if I can spot they are uninterested which is exactly what you did with MrFF. It would have been worse rejection after you'd met, met & bonked, met and stayed over several times.

You saved yourself even worse heartache by calling him out. Still gutting though.

As for the asking questions thing. Thinking back to dates/conversations I've had where things have flowed, it's not really asking questions as such, but a two-way flow of information and showing interest in each other.

I find if you sit there asking question after question, it's usually because the conversation isn't flowing and it becomes a job interview, which is really dull. I want to find out if someone has similar views to me, a similar outlook on life and whether we're compatible in various ways. If I can do that without actually asking blatant questions then that shows there's some sort of connection I think.

E.g., do you just ask the other person if they eat meat, or do you watch their reaction when they see someone's steak and chips being taken to their table, and make a mental note about the look of joy/revulsion on their face, and bring it up later - "I thought I lost you there when you were drooling over that rib-eye - how about we grab dinner at this great steak place I know next week?"

One of my most frustrating dates recently was with someone who would talk over me the moment I started to say something. My ex used to do that, as she came from a large and loud family, and everyone would shout louder and louder to be heard, and they'd talk at each other rather than having a two-way conversation. I would just switch off.

Thanks @crackofdoom I'm amazed she's still with us given she didn't take a lump to the docs in Jun 2019, when she finally did it was stage 4 but opted out of chemo as one season nearly killed her.
She's tried every alt.treatment available from coffee enemas, mainlining vitamin C, dog worming tablets, oxygen tanks, laughter therapy, carb free diet etc and is still alive (just) over a year later.
Incredible really. She's ace. I'll not see her again so in a way she's already left my life and I'm left feeling grateful I had her and that good health is not to be taken for granted as not guaranteed to last.

Hope this isn't a downer post. It's not meant to be. It's the thing that currently makes me remember what's important and what is less so.

@Ruralbliss There is a saying that women fake orgasms, men fake relationships. I guess you can say that about dating too in some cases?

I honestly don't know why people do it. I experienced it a year ago with someone - she said we were soulmates, was joking about what we'd name our kids, where we'd live etc... I thought things were progressing well towards a relationship. When I spoke to her later after she ended it, it was clear that she was in a totally different place to me and all I'd been was just a bunch of fun dates. In hindsight, there were a few red flags, but I ignored them at the time.

A friend of mine recently matched with someone who seems really nice - he's been completely lovebombing her, sending bottles of champagne to her house etc... He's honest with me about it, saying she's not his type and he's lost interest already. Yet from the messages to her that he's shown me recently, he's still giving her lots of signs he is interested, suggesting that he wants to see her again etc... To him it's just a game - I'm not sure if he's even aware he's doing it.

Woah @TheCatWithTheHat this is good insider intel. So people aren't just weird people play games. Hard to remember this when you're an honest straight up kind of person.

All the more reason to keep loins girded and remember it's all BS until it isn't

Yay 😐

Wow @TheCatWithTheHat, that's a worry. I am so brutally honest that the minute I know something is not going to work for me, I say it. As kindly as possible of course. I think that's why I feel I've never dumped anyone - because I quite early on know whether I want to carry on with something or not. And once I'm past that point, I usually don't want it to end. So it always ended with me being dumped. And because I never let anything get very far that does not feel right, I think I end it so early on that I'm not really dumping someone, just not starting a relationship with them.

I really feel for the girl who's being wooed by your friend, who seems so keen on her. How awful to know that he's not, when she might be telling her friends she's found The One. And then when he ends it, she'll be so confused and hurt because he seemed to really like her and what did she do wrong that he went off her .

And this game playing is precisely why all of us women are starting to get totally jaded with dating and men. I just assume they are flaky now until I’m persuaded otherwise - yet to happen btw!
Your friend is being totally unfair to that woman who will be heartbroken when the inevitable ghosting happens because it’s unlikely he will be honourable and honest with her.

Why are you friends with him, @TheCatWithTheHat? He sounds like slime.

@TheCatWithTheHat that is a depressing read. I don't understand the need for game playing.

So I haven't spoken to MrTall about what this is, he's still active on fab so I'm just taking it as a fwb type thing unless he says otherwise.
He lives an hr away from me and I'm poorly at the moment, I've had a Covid test and just awaiting results (I don't think it is). This morning he has driven all the way to me to leave flowers, lemsip, tissues and chocolates on my doorstep. He didn't even knock, just left them there and text me after he had gone to tell me to look outside!

While I don’t agree with the way @TheCatWithTheHat ‘s friend is behaving I can see how it can happen. The first few weeks of a relationship are heady and fun, it would be easy to get carried away with the feelings if not with the actual object of those feelings IYSWIM. It’s only when a third party asks about it the you sit back and realise that this isn’t the person for you it’s just that it’s so much fun wooing them. It’s incredibly hurtful as I have been on the receiving end. I guess this is why we are very wary of love bombing. It should be nice but it’s a red flag.