Dating Thread 197 - Dating into 2021 and beyond

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[quote Eesha]@cravingthelook I personally would expect a response sooner myself but Mr Yoga also gets sidetracked with work etc. I've pulled him up on it and interestingly he pointed out that I did the same at times. I think if it's early on in a relationship, I'd expect a quicker response.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 the drink thing would be an issue to me but only because of my history with alcoholics. However you just need to see where your boundaries are for yourself. It sounds like you make each other really happy anyway and that's really important.[/quote]
He’s great. He’s currently helping me prep and calm me for a University interview I have this afternoon. I’m a nervous wreck and he’s being wonderful.

He’s definitely not an alcoholic. He just likes a couple of glasses of wine in an evening. My ex was similar with no issues, it’s just something that’s there to be considered I guess. I think if he easily completes dry January then I can move it forward. I just need to know he doesn’t have the start of a problem.

myfabby I agree - however busy it takes too seconds to type a sorry, hectic day, fill you in later/tomorrow- especially when you can see they are on and off online on whatsapp all day 🤦‍♀️

@LivingMyBestLife2020 ah Mr S sounds good.

Sort of agree about the texting thing everyone - depends on the job though - some jobs you can’t have your phone on you - but most you can!!

Ok so Mr LongWalk texted (I hadn’t sent mine yet, was planning to in the evening) saying he was still ill in bed and that he has to self isolate anyway because he’s got minor surgery coming up (the surgery is true as we talked about it on the first date). What do we think? I don’t think he’s just messing with me but views from everyone gratefully recieved!

The texting thing is annoying . MrRR doesn't text between dates but will text back and text to check if the date is still going ahead . This texting style is very new to me so I am finding it hard . I don't know if it's a good thing but we will see .

@LongtimelurkerL I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt. You can still call or video call each other can't you to keep the momentum going till you can meet again?

@lovellost it’s tough in the early stages to know whether they’re being brisk with you because they don’t like you or if they’re just rubbish at texting!!

Yeah I think so. Bit of an exaggerated lie to come up with and then to text me??? Who knows. Yeah haven’t suggested calling/video calls yet. Might give it a few more days (if he’s ill in bed) and then suggest one. I’ve got a week of child free time coming up so will try to work out what his plans are over Xmas and hopefully meet up when he’s better/not isolating/back in town

@LivingMyBestLife2020 I haven't been here long but I think MrS sounds great . Hopefully you can get past your niggle and give it a go

I'm fairly new to this thread although I did post on the previous (I'm the lady that went on a date with the guy with muddy shoes) Anyway... I was certain after the first date that he wasn't for me. It wasn't just the shoes.. however I couldn't quite bring myself to tell him that I didn't want to see him again, and sort of fell into continuing to chat over the following days. He is very very sweet and said some lovely things. We also have lots in common.

I was clearly doubting myself, so ended up going on a second date. Did plan to have a very brief coffee, finally decide he definitely wasn't for me and then that's that, however it didn't end up going that way. In fact (he invited me over for date 2) we ended up sleeping together (yikes!) I mean, I want to name this guy Mr Skills because woah...... you really wouldn't think it to look at him. But shall name him Mr Music.

There has been lots of chat since and we have date 3 planned for Sunday where I may stay overnight. I'm so concerned that it's moving too quickly. I need to have a conversation with him when I see him. He has asked me to be his 'girlfriend' and while I did say that I couldn't put that sort of label on it just now, I have kind of said, ok yes, today.

He is amazing (so far) but I need to keep myself grounded. We are very complimentary of each other, but my head is a bit fried due to very recently coming out of a long term relationship. Incidentally he is the first person I chatted to on tinder, which makes it weirder. I wasn't really looking for anything even remotely relationship-like, when I downloaded the app.

I like him very much and I don't want to lose him. I also don't want to push him away by being too eager.

Any tips please? It's been a long time since I did any of this!

I should mention that I think it's been a long while since he last had a girlfriend (I.e 2003..) so, this is another reason why I'm nervous, he might decide this is all too much for him in the end.

I'm just worried we are both getting carried away.

@LongtimelurkerL good news that he texted. It does sound genuine, especially if he's already told you about his surgery. It's a tough time to meet at the moment anyway, with all the restrictions, and quite a few people are self-isolating so they won't risk infecting family over Christmas.

And there's nothing wrong with you if people ghost you. I've had more ghostings than hot dinners this year, so I know how you feel. Sadly a lot of people think it's an acceptable way to behave, and says more about them than you.

@Ruralbliss good news with Mr Stone - that's what I love about OLD, that good matches can just appear out the blue when we're feeling like no one will ever like us. Good luck for the no-licking date on Saturday!

Just dropping in to say to Living that a couple of glasses of wine of an evening is really not a problem. A bottle of wine every evening would be! I have a couple of glasses most evenings out of sheer bloody lockdown boredom. He sounds lovely. That's the most important thing.

Hi all - yeh @LivingMyBestLife2020 I don't think a couple of glasses of wine is an issue, but then I like a drink - I think it is if someone is drunk half the time or if alcohol makes their behaviour change significantly on occasions it's a worry.

@namechanged1122 - aw that's a nice story - what was it that made you change your mind about him? (besides his, ahem, skills!). I mean how did you change your mind in order to find out he was so ... skilful? I am trying not to just go for people who make me go weak at the knees on a first date, tempting though it is, but how do you know when to pursue it with a nice compatible person in case attraction grows and when you are flogging a dead horse, desperately trying to fancy them when that spark is never going to ignite?

Loving all the 'red flags' convos and interesting how they are all different for everyone depending on our triggers and tolerance levels. Mine are:

1. Not asking me about myself when I know every bloody thing about them
2. Having a ton of baggage - this does not go away in my experience, and people get away with treating you like shite because of it as it is a convenient excuse to be a bloody arse and get away with it
3. Long gaps in communications, and inconsistencies in attitude - it just shouldn't be so difficult to gauge at the start, should it? If someone likes you, you should know it.

I don't always take my own advice or heed my own red flags though!

Seems everyone is still busy dating on the run up to Christmas! And sorry to those of you who are being ghosted. It is SO disheartening, but usually about them and not you.

I'm getting in a bit of a fix with it all right now and guilt is creeping in about my multi dating. But after how badly I was hurt this summer, I don't feel comfortable having all my eggs in one basket. I need to think it through but honestly, how the hell can you know what's for the best? My intuition where men is concerned is not strong, though am blaming my panic over lockdown for the utter fucktards I let myself fall for this year. Standards clearly on the floor due to anxiety and loneliness!

Thinking ahead here, what are people planning for new year if anything? It's lockdown and I've historically had bad memories of new year due to my ex plus my relationship ending that evening!

I've never done much for new year, last year I was home alone. This year I'll be home alone. It's not emotionally loaded for me, luckily.

@UtterSocks this:

"I don't always take my own advice or heed my own red flags though!"

I'm now observing in real-time how easy it is to ignore flags you don't want to see.

With Mr Stone (yet to meet but great comms via phone & text) he ticks a lot of the must-haves on paper (yet to check out the in-person sparkage/pheromones etc) so I find myself thinking it's a great two way conversation but actually did he ask any Qs? Not sure. I might have done my usual and asked Qs of him and volunteered info about me.

I can see how hard it is to actually stick to new rules when an attractive, interesting, funny, clever guy presents as interested.

Will be good to meet with this new rule being applied and see if I actually do have the strength of character to bin off or at least raise it with him IF we both want to meet again after Sat walking date.

Feck I typed a bit check in and lost it.

@Eesha I don't know what I'll do yet. Part of me wants to say home alone but I've got DD2 (9) and been invited to my best friends. I just don't know if I have the emotional energy.

I ended it with Mr FF last night, after planning to have a call and being all enthusiastic about it on Tuesday evening. I didn't hear from him at all yesterday. No response to my check in at 7pm ish so when he was online at 11.30pm I just said my goodbyes. He played dumb and asked why so I explained. He said well yes when you put it like that it's pretty off of me yes, I'm sorry and you do deserve more respect.
I didn't reply to that, what's the point.

I'm pretty sad, it was hard to do but I know it will save me a world of pain.

Sorry @Eesha, but well done for ending it when it was not doing it for you. You should be very proud of yourself for sticking up for you being the prize.

I've been pondering the ongoing debate about men asking questions. With my extensive knowledge of shit relationships, and limited knowledge of healthy ones, I think I am coming to the conclusion that that's not how men work. They don't ask questions they way women do. Constantly. Which is very important in our interactions with our friends. And sorry to the lovely men on the thread who are lovely and probably ask their dates questions (maybe because we keep telling them to on this thread!), but I just don't think men do it so much. In their interactions with each other, and therefore also their interactions with dates. So I have decided my you're-not-interested trigger is maybe not going to be that I am not being asked anything about myself. It's more about having the opportunity to volunteer information and being listened to. So many times I've told a man I was seeing something really interesting about myself, been disheartened at the lacklustre or absent response, and then later heard him tell someone else my fascinating information in a way that clearly shows they did find it interesting. They just didn't tell me that they found it interesting. I'd be interested to hear one of the men's view on this as I've just made it up in my head and it's probably bullshit, but I just wonder if it's about men and women communicating differently within their own groups and therefore also on dates?

I remember reading about a woman who asked her husband if he'd like to invite his best friend from work round to a do, seeing as they always spent their lunchtimes together at work and were firm friends. She asked if he had a wife or a girlfriend he'd like to invite. And the husband didn't know. Him and his mate had had lunch together at work for years, and he had no idea. That's just not what they talked about. And he'd obviously never asked. Image two female colleagues in that situation? How many minutes before they knew everything about each other's domestic set-ups?

Just a thought. Shoot me down men if I'm being unfair on you.

Sorry, my @Eesha point was actually for @cravingthelook...

Oh bloody hell @cravingthelook that's an update none of us wanted to see but go you for calling him out in it & bad MrFF for not seeing you as the total prize.
His bloody loss and saved yourself bigger heartache if you'd not listened to your gut instincts.

Reminds me of the time in Feb I raised the poor texting with a guy I'd been sleeping with for a couple of months. I was hoping he'd say 'Oh shite sorry I really like you but great at texting' but instead got the same response as MrFF gave you - a hands up 'yeah I'm not that into you...' kind of response.

I was gutted and tearful for a few days. My best friend said at the time 'Come on love. It won't be too long before he is Dean (😂) Who?' And he genuinely is now. Can't recall his second name for the life of me. And now have totally different bad uninterested iron taking up brain space.

I'm sorry though. That's shite news. You are brilliant for acting on your standards not being met.

@WeWantTheFinestWines you are probably onto something here.

Hmmmm further food for thought.

I'll bear this in mind when I meet future irons in the flesh and fork first impressions of them.

I'm coming back in my next life as a lesbian. That's what I'm going to do.

For @cravingthelook

I would agree that men don’t tend to ask questions in the same way as women. Sometimes you meet a woman you like, talk a hundred words a minute at each other and emerge really good friends. My ex used to have two drinking buddies he would met with regularly and I’d ask how they were / their wives / girlfriends / families and he would never know. They would sit in a pub for three hours talking about work and hobbies.

I think asking questions is a skill and there’s a fine line between asking a question in the right moment and being too intrusive. So if a man quizzed me too much about my children I would find it offputting, potentially a red flag, but the subject might arise naturally especially if he has similar aged kids. For that reason I don’t tend to ask questions myself. I also think you don’t always get the best of someone in the first couple of dates, I was nervous in a couple of first dates last year and didn’t stop talking while looking at the floor so I was glad the men gave me a second chance.

It’s part of a bigger pattern. If a man doesn’t ask questions, let you get a word in edgeways, repeat facts you’ve said back to you, reply quickly then he isn’t interested. But if he only gets one of these wrong it might not be an issue. Mr Rs messaging used to be really inconsistent but we videochat so often now that if he disappears I knows it’s because of a work project he’s told me about.

Thanks @stealthninjamum in that case I'm going to give myself less of a hard time for becoming involved with guys who after 2 months vanished or wanted out.

In hindsight it's easy to spot the evidence when collated but in real time only one of them (the latest) clearly had zero interest in me as a person whereas the others had some.

On the other hand the one who still declares his eternal love for me showed no interest so I binned him off as actually despite it being a rare thing in blokes generally I'd like a partnership with someone who acts and behaves like me when it comes to curiosity and inquisitiveness.

Those guys who chat in the pub to their mates and don't ask after family or even know whether their mates are married - they're not for me.

I'd rather stay single than be with a blokey bloke. This is probably why I've always fancied my gay boy mates... they are honorary females in the chatty dept.

Am sitting on hands not texting Mr Stone although he is v responsive I'd like to see what comms he initiates plus whether he pushes for date time and location details to be firmed up.

Normally I proactively do this for them but YouTube and wisdom is to let them show their interest here too. If he can't be arsed to sort then I may have saved petrol and time spent wrapping gifts and watching Elf with a large Baileys.

I'd be surprised as seem v well matched but stranger things have happened.

I discovered this woman last night and worth a share

Another one for @cravingthelook