Dating Thread 197 - Dating into 2021 and beyond

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I'm going back to thinking I don't think I'm compatible with men who aren't parents. They just don't get it.

Tonight's date said of my kids 'Must be great now they are an age where they are more your mates than kids....' incorrect they are oversized toddlers who make a lot of mess and noise and haven't figured out that you don't need to be 40+ to put stuff away, wash up or unload dishwasher.

They are definitely not my mates.

@Ruralbliss hahahaha- sounds about right. Arguably toddlers cooperate on occasion at least.

10/10 on your respectful and honest resolution of the date.

Well, after two days of swiping and not much joy, I matched with someone a couple of hours ago who seems lovely, and after a few messages back and forth it seems we've got lots in common. She seems keen too, so I'm really hoping she gets back in touch tomorrow!

@ruralbliss I totally get you with men who don't have children. I don't think I'd date someone if they didn't have children as yes they just don't get it!
My children come first and if you don't have children then it's difficult to see that. How old are yours?
Glad your date wasn't a complete car crash!

ruralbliss glad you have a nice date despite it being a no go and well done on boundaries

thecatwiththehat heres hoping your new match gets in touch today

I have my walking date with Mr999 today - I just find them awkward and we'll freeze but hey ho

In a weird turn of events too my date from the other week who I really liked save for his voice has stayed in touch and we've chatted everyday and I now find myself looking forward to seeing his name pop up 🤷‍♀️

Hi all, lovely stories of boundary-setting and respectful communication on here. Why can't everyone be as fabulous as the people on this thread?

I'm still taking a break until I can relaunch my profile with new pics but found myself having a sneaky peek on Bumble (only to find my cohabiting ex's profile staring back at me - ick) and I was wondering if women also stick their tongues out in their photos? Because men do and I really really don't understand why. You wouldn't do it in real life, would you? Why do you think I'll be attracted to you when you do it in a photo, by way of introduction?

Find groups annoying too, when it's not clear who the iron is. I've blurred faces in my group photo. And the fish.... still the fish...

Fingers crossed for more contact sloth and cat🤞

Thanks for confirming my own thoughts re non-parenting folks I think I'll not rule them out at the beginning as my kids are teens so one day in the not too distant future I'll be an empty nester.

Question for the lads here @TheCatWithTheHat and @DudeFromThatLondon just wondering (and I appreciate you aren't all blokes and a small sample size 😂) is it cool in 2020 for the woman to suggest a phone date and a meet up?

My stance has been as a feminist I wouldn't be interested in meeting someone who was put off by a forthright suggestion by the woman but just curious to garner opinions...

I've just bailed on a date with MrGeog as not feeling it, super icy here, further lockdown likely to be suggested.

Would only leave the house to meet a stranger if there was a lot of likelihood that we'd be a great match now.

I’m not a lad but I don’t understand your question @Ruralbliss. What has 2020 or being a woman got to do with it ? Are you suggesting a modern man would not like to be asked out ? Can’t speak for all but I would be flattered. Or are you wondering if it’s outlandish to suggest doing both kinds of dates in one fell swoop without the latter being contingent on the former ? If it helps, I don’t consider a phone call a date.

I had a meeting with a lovely woman yesterday. She looked deep into my eyes, asked a LOT of questions and at the end of it recommended I wear reading glasses for close up work and adjusted my contact lens prescription.

Which you all knew from my many typos yesterday. Soz!

hairy 😂😂🤣

Regarding dating guys without kids - I don't have any, but I like to think I do have some understanding of what it's like. I am aware if I dated someone with kids (Miss H did) that they would always be her number one priority and I'd have to fit around her spare time. I'd hate to be dismissed from the running without even having a chance to prove I did get it. But maybe I'm in the minority - I've learnt lots from this forum, and I hope it's made me a more considerate person.

Thankfully my new possible iron has got in touch this morning - and is asking questions about me, so the day is off to a good start

@WeWantTheFinestWines yep! Some women also stick their tongues out, and pull silly faces - often with snapchat filters on too. I have no idea why they do it - it's not an attractive look!

@Ruralbliss I'd never be put off by a woman suggesting a date. I'd be flattered in fact, and while I'm still a little old-fashioned in always offering to pay for the first date, opening doors, walking on the kerb side etc... I don't even see it as a thing if a woman suggests meeting. I'm also with HairyArsedMan in that I don't really see a phone call a date - to me it's just a getting to know you call.

@ruralbliss @TheCatWithTheHat Mr Yoga doesn't have kids and would dearly love them. He's in his mid 40s. I have kids and don't want more. I did worry about kids but it turns out he has a really busy life himself and has always been more than understanding about my limitations. For example I'm only able to chat after 8pm most days but I can offer weekends whereas sometimes he needs weekends for himself to do his life admin. I'm not sure what the future holds. I'm sure he could go out and have kids with someone, I guess he's thinking is it worth the risk of losing what we have. It's a hard one really.

In general, I'd prefer a man to have kids, as it would mean we're on the same page. Although it can be painful if you meet someone whose weekend with the kids coincides with my weekend WITHOUT the kids .

I've been chatting to someone from Fab on and off for months (the other elusive gentleman from Wales- he went quiet on me recently, but came back and admitted it was just down to a feeling of hopelessness and depression at once again being foiled in his attempts to come down and visit me) who doesn't have kids, but had previously been in a long term relationship with a mum, and who is still in touch with her kids (now grown). That counts as mitigating circumstances, I reckon.

Eesha hmm, that's the only child-related scenario that would make me definitely swipe left on Bumble. I feel that I have nothing to offer to a man whose biological clock is ticking. My baby factory is definitively CLOSED.

Each situation is different I guess - I'm a similar age to Mr Yoga and while I would be open to kids if I met someone who really wanted them, I'm also happy to not have any of my own. If I met someone I really liked, I wouldn't want to give that up just on the off-chance I might meet someone just as good who did want kids. But for me, the kids thing isn't that high up my list of priorities and I know for others it may be. The main thing is being honest to ourselves about what we want, so it doesn't cause resentment or ends up with a breakup years later because we're not compatible.

I also like having time to do my own thing, which I've got used to having dated someone who lived 250 miles away for half of our 8 year relationship, and I'm also used to fitting in my life admin stuff so I can be free at the same time as my partner.

So while in an ideal world, I'd prefer to be with someone where we didn't have to schedule in time together, it's not a big deal for me. Life is rarely perfect, and I think other factors are more important in a relationship, but everyone is different, so it's a tough one.

Thanks for thoughts and opinions everyone on kids. I think my ideal would be someone with grown up kids who 'gets it' but has nice free house for me to hang out in. My longest post marriage romance of 9 months had issues as he couldn't ever not see his young daughter on time off which left zero slots for us bless him.

Lovely news @TheCatWithTheHat re new iron in touch and interested.

😂😂😂 @HairyArsedMan on glasses. I lost my brand new ones on Xmas eve. Blind without them but never worn specs before.

Yes I was wondering if normal nice fellas thought the woman taking the lead or initiative to suggest a phone chat or a date zero was off putting. Glad it isn't.
The reason I ask is of those times when I have done this it's resulted in my being binned or ghosted so maybe it's better to see how much the bloke wants to pursue things but I guess everyone's different and if they are put off by this then they're nit a good match for me.

Not at all - if I liked someone, I'd be flattered if they took the lead and suggested meeting. I'm definitely an equal opportunities dating type guy

As you say, if that kind of thing puts someone off then they're either not right for you, or not really into you anyway.

I think flattered is right if a woman asked me but tbh, I just got asked to go for a walk next week and I never even thought about it in that way. I would of asked soon enough as that's the way the chat seemed to be going. I'm most pleased that she doesn't feel inhibited by any of those previous gender role anachronisms.

One thought about phone calls is that not everyone is into them. I've had a couple of irons say no let's just meet (the iron yesterday for example). Not everyone likes the phone. I'm not too keen but I'm happy to have a phone call to arrange a date and get a feel for the person who's going to turn up. Having said that, talked a lot on the phone to MsS prior to meeting and that was great.

Hahaha @HairyArsedMan - that's worth stealing.

@crackofdoom we have discussed it but clearly he doesn't feel enough to want us to split over it. He was ready to give up online dating before he met me and actually things surprised us. I'm not saying I'm this amazing catch, I definitely think he could easily meet people but I guess it's about trying to find a good connection as well. A friend of mine was mid 40s, female, dating a guy with kids. Initially he said he would like more but later said no. By then she was too in deep and didn't think she would meet anyone else as great. It's been a few years and actually they are still together.

Good Afternoon all...

I agree re kids, it is one of the reasons I think FWB only for Mr Sounds ..... oh but what benefits indeed.

I'm having a rest today 😂😂

Hi all. I have stalked this thread for some time and thought finally time to get involved, with the new year coming and wanting to get back into the dating scene.

I'm a guy, late 20s, had a break up back in May, although the relationship only lasted ~7 months I was pretty heartbroken, tried dating again in late summer/early autumn but don't think I was ready. Want to try again in 2021.

Have a DS aged 5 I see EOW and sometimes more in holidays. Longest previous relationship was only 18 months but really do want to meet someone, settle down, marriage, live together - just normal day to day life with someone to care for and be cared for in return.

Historically I feel like I don't have all that much success on dating apps, despite all my relationships coming from them. On matching apps, I very rarely get matches and even when I do very rarely do they lead to actual conversation let alone a date. On apps where you can search profiles and message (e.g. POF) I rarely get any responses - despite variations in approach. Best success seems to be taking any info they actually have on their profile (god I do hate blank ones) and noting anything in common and asking some questions to hopefully start a conversation, usually with a sensible compliment about something in their photos - but even then I'd say I'm lucky to get maybe 1-2 responses per 50 of these I send out.

I'm not great looking in the face and am losing my hair, but try to dress okay and I do (at least when it's open) go to the gym to improve my body. I feel like I'm a pretty boring person - in normal times my life is work, sitting in front of the TV, gym 3 times a week, DS eow, occasional night out/games night/cinema visit with friends. I struggle to put anything particularly fun or zany on my profile. I think my main selling points are ultimately quite shallow - I have a good job and earn decent money (not that the title sounds particularly impressive or well paid), own a home, have a car, would say I'm sane (haha) and not a horrible person.

Some questions:

• Do you think I should mention being a father explicitly on my profile? I feel match my abysmal match rate is even worse if I do this. Does it depend what app? (Swipe apps, I sometimes do/sometimes don't whereas something like POF I always explicitly mention it)
• I understand that a photo of me with my son is probably a no-no to most people? correct? I haven't used any the last 2-3 years when I've gone back to the apps
• I have a topless shot (in the water at the beach on a holiday in 2019) which I now like to use for profiles, should I? Feel like it shows off one of my selling points but I know a lot of women find them cringe or offputting.
• Because I feel I have no way of sounding particularly fun/interesting, current approach seems to be generally listing some of the key stuff about me (house, car, father, basic hobbies - gym, netflix, movies/cinema, days out - particularly theme parks, very wide taste in music (although never been to a festival and only 2 concerts)). So on tinder I may literally list them. POF I would put into prose in 2-3 paragraphs. Is this a good approach? I see women with just a fun joke or some kind of weird in-joke or self-depreciatory comment on their profile, does this work for men?
• It appears a lot of women like to link their instagram and its full of great shots of them up to all sorts. I don't like mine because it's pretty much pictures of my boy and the handful of photos of me on there from the last couple of years are inevitably are already on my profile. Is it worth upping my instagram game and putting up lots of shots of me on there in the coming months to enhance appeal on dating apps?

Welcome @NVision

From what I recall of 20’s dating, it can be really shallow and immature as everyone is quite caught up in their own lives and challenges.

I’d just continue being yourself - you come across as an articulate and sorted guy - rather than feeling you’ve got to be cooler or link in to your instagram with you snorkelling with sharks or something. Most normal people know you find out about stuff through meeting and spending time with someone.

Your relationship history sounds perfectly fine and pretty normal/average for someone with a life and a good/busy job.

I’d mention your DS but not make too much of a thing about it - just put one line in say “I have a son who is X age he’s awesome”

Re:matches have you tried swiping on everyone or paying to see who swipes on you? Might be worth expanding the range of people you meet - don’t think about finding Miss Perfect, just try to meet new women for a coffee/walk and get chats going and see if anything comes of that?

I think if someone on apps has the right collection of “conventionally desirable characteristics” they can get so much attention so most people who swipe on them get NO response. So try others.

I’d say no to photo with son (but mention it), yes to topless. But don’t overthink it, I don’t think it’s a massive dealbreaker either way.

Profile you can try different options - I think the modern way is “less is more” with just a photo and you find out by chatting? But again don’t overthink it - you can switch for a while and see how that goes.

Good luck and keep on posting

Hi @NVision welcome, and you'll get some great advice here.

I can't say what women like (as I'm a guy too), but one thing I noticed about your post was that you say you feel like you're a pretty boring person. If that's what you think, then it's likely it will come across like that when you speak to people. However from everything you've said, you really don't seem like that at all. So maybe a little bit of work on your self-confidence will pay dividends. It seems you have a lot going for you from what you've written.

It doesn't sound like you're doing much wrong - it is really hard to get matches and conversations going on the apps.

Also if you have any good female friends who will give you honest feedback, then it's worth asking them to review your profile. Some advice I was given is:

1 - make sure you only use positive words, not negative. E.g., I love lie ins, rather than I hate early starts.
2 - don't be too specific, e.g., just say you like music, rather than specifying that you enjoy metal-jazz-rap fusion as people who don't like metal-jazz-rap fusion will be more likely to swipe left on you.
3 - put something in your profile for people to talk about
4 - a little bit of humour is good
5 - be normal, it's surprising how many guys are dicks
6 - enjoy it - it's unlikely you'll meet your perfect match right away, but just enjoy the experience of meeting new people, finding out about them and also finding out about what you like. Enjoy the journey, don't just focus on the destination.
7 - if it's not working, change it - try different photos and text, and see what works.

Maybe you could set up a new Instagram profile to just use for dating? It's definitely worth having on there.

Hopefully some of this helps a bit. Good luck!

@NVision I would

• get someone of a similar age to review your profile, perhaps from here
• mention being a dad in passing, no pics needed
• chest shot if on hols would be fine if not main pic
• be confident in yourself. I've dated a few guys who people might not think are hot hot hot but personality made up for it and they made me really happy
• treat it like a social experiment rather than assume you'll meet the one very quickly. Try all the sites. My current partner went on one date a week for a year, and kept an open mind. He did activity dates so it was always fun/no pressure

@nvision welcome to the thread. I am in my mid to late 20s so probabaly would be within your dating/swiping demographic. To answer your questions I'd say:
Mention your son/you are a father but no pictures of him or you two together (I have had a lot of first dates that they then reveal they are a father) this gives the woman a chance to politely decline if it's a deal breaker for her.
Yes to your topless shot.
I list a few things I like to do as a talking point and start from there. You don't want to list everything as then there is little to talk about or get to know.
I never look at linked Instagrams but then I hardly use mine.

Just be normal and be you. You don't sound boring. You sound like a nice level headed man. It is rough on the apps and on sites in your 20s. Most people see it as a numbers game.
Go in several dates as it's hard to get a true read on what someone is like over the phone or online. Don't put any pressure on yourself to find 'the one' just go have a good time, meet new people and if you meet someone then you meet someone.

Hmmm, got a reply from yesterday’s iron saying she’d let me know if she’s up for a walk. Is that a polite no or is she genuinely thinking about it? Hard to know I suppose. Could just leave it there or say cool, be nice to get to know you better, let me know if you do.