Dating Thread 197 - Dating into 2021 and beyond

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Speaking of innuendos I was once on a very strange first date with a very eccentric man. Think public school boy from previously rich family fallen from wealth.

We were at an art gallery. He said “That looks like a Turner. If that’s not a Turner you can spank me”

It was a Turner.

He said “I expect you’ll still want to spank me anyway.”

(I didn’t want to spank him, or anyone, and hadn’t suggested it before, ever. EVER ).

It was a Turner-round and walk away very quickly then

@HairyArsedMan

@CatInTheHat usually (around the time your subscription is about to expire if you pay) your profile gets shown to everyone again after a certain amount of time, and vice versa, so you get to see everyone again.

As I recall on Hinge you just get to start over once you’ve gone through all the profiles ...

Just had a 2 hour walking date. Went pretty well, chatted away. Find it very hard to tell if there was chemistry when it’s freezing. Asked if she wanted to do it again and she said wanted to think about it / process it. Wondering if that’s a probably no in disguise..... Did linger at the end like she might want a kiss, but I thought best not chance it if she’s ambivalent. Bit unclear about whether to leave it a day or so or text thanks when I get home. Hmm.

I would text thanks when you get home @DudeFromThatLondon, leaving it for a day just seems a bit weird

@LongtimelurkerL I'm wracking my brains to think what would do or but I've never been in that situation

I've been in the opposite where I really do not want to kiss them but then out of politeness endure a car park snog I don't want but that's not helpful.

I'd probably just stand looking at his lips at the end when they goodbyes have been done and say something like 'do you think we should do kissing?'

Has he said anything about fancying you in all your messages?

I'm wondering if ahead of the 4th date it might be worth sending a 'for the record I (really) fancy you but if you're not feeling similar we should provably knock this on the head as I'm looking for a some romance rather than a platonic friend...'

Sorry. Not great advice. My pattern has always been snog on date 1 and if we both want to see each other again we're in bed on date 3.

Hello all, what a great thread. So much experience on here and wise thoughts. Have recently been ghosted by someone and I am surprised by how ouch it was. And how silly I feel when it was all just an illusion. Anyway, you inspired me to delete his number and I feel so much better and empowered- thank you! What a learning curve...

Welcome @LetsGoToTheHills happy ....whatever it is weird day between Xmas and new year

@DudeFromThatLondon has she texted you? I'd think it very lacklustre not to send or get a text the same day but I'm renowned for wearing heart on sleeve & no good at game playing.

I think it's good manners to say a 'Thanks for today it was great to meet you I had a lovely time' which is still non committal.

If someone waited until the next day to text me or reply to my text (wording as above) I'd assume their interest was v low & wouldn't pursue anything further with them myself unless they did.

Thanks @ThisTooShallBe. I’ll send a thanks and perhaps suggest dinner. It’s bloody cold out there. Possibly shouldn’t suggest dinner if she’s says wants time to process it but inclined to put my cards on the table?

@LongtimelurkerL - I might ask him why he’s not kissed you yet, or perhaps what @Ruralbliss suggests, ie whether this has potential for romance.

Welcome @LetsGoToTheHills!

Hello @LetsGoToTheHills that's a strong move.

Sorry to hear you were ghosted. It's not nice. How far along with them were you?

There's an emerging theory on here that even the earliest stages can hurt like hell mind you I've been ghosted by men I've been exclusively dating for 2 & 4 months too and neither of those were easy. It's a horrible feeling hoping they'll get in touch.

Mind you I've got a bloke I spoke to on the phone once (and by spoke I mean I endured a 90 min monologue) accusing me of ghosting him because Im choosing not to reply to his lovebomby "You are amazing and perfect and everything I've ever wanted in a woman" texts.

I believe if you've not met them it's not officially classified as ghosting but as you'll see here it's definitely a grey area with several of us feeling broken by people we were so excited to meet for first or second time.

Anyway sorry it happened to you.

I like to think of a person is comfortable doing that then they really aren't the sort of person suitable for a solid long term relationship.
Bullet dodged.

I think I agree @Ruralbliss. I was just concerned about her wanting time to process it. But that might have been an on-the-spot thing. Although I did say it’s fine to say no. OLD is making me very upfront 🙈

Thanks all! Yeah tbh @Ruralbliss I’m the same. Never not had a kiss first date but then never dated during covid before so who knows. Going to my bubble tomorrow evening so will discuss it with them! Nothing like that in texts no. Very polite and gentlemanly

I would text something @DudeFromThatLondon - something that signals one way or another your thoughts maybe?

@LongtimelurkerL id just say in person, "are you definitely looking for a relationship as I'm not getting the vibe that you want to kiss etc!". At least then you know. Do you flirt in person? Mr Yoga told me with his previous long term ex that nothing happened for 5 dates. He just couldn't read the signals and didn't want to be too forward.

Sorry to hear @LetsGoToTheHills

I don’t know @Eesha it’s quite hard to flirt walking around a park!! Argh driving myself mad

I’m also going to feel really stupid if I go on 4 dates with someone and he never wanted anything more than a friend! Do people do that?? Meet up with someone 4 times, text them regularly just for a friend????

Ugh a day for returners it seems.

My previous fwb (the one who revealed he had a gf) messaged me this morning on fab and this afternoon MrSpark who ghosted me added me on SC. I didn't realise it was him straight away as I blocked him, but not on sc as we hadn't ever messaged on there. I called him out on his ghosting and he came up with some shitty excuse and then tried to invite himself over...bye!

@LongtimelurkerL - nah, i don't think they would do that. If he wasn't interested surely he'd have dialled it right back by now. Did you say he was shy?

Urgh @30somethingandstillsingle that sounds sucky - congrats on being so strong though!

Thanks @DudeFromThatLondon - see I think I agree. I don’t know really - I mentioned he knew my boyfriend from ages ago, they were friends (like over ten years ago) and we knew each other very very loosely then - if that makes any difference

@DudeFromThatLondon I'm totally stealing her 'I need time to process it' as that's often the case isn't it and have been guilty of agreeing to a second date on the spot again out of politeness.

Sometimes (like me this week) one might have a little flurry of date zeros or first dates lined up and it's not until you've met each of them that you decide who if any you want to see again.
I assume. I've never had a flurry of second dates before I usually have one, snog them then am exclusive with them until it stops.

Multi dating is a new activity for me.

I had a first date in the summer with a guy who lost his shit when I said I had another first date lined up (arranged before he and I had even matched a few days before). It was not an attractive attribute. He didn't get a second date.

@lomgtimelurker yes I asked him if he was free on Sunday just gone but he wasn't. He knows my child free evenings - only Saturday now but he's not arranged anything. I text him this morning to basically a hey message and I've heard nothing! My hope is dwindling and it feels rubbish 😔

Urgh @Whoknows11 urgh! Slow burn is the worst. Maybe give him till Thursday and say something like ‘let me know if you’d like to go on a walk on Saturday’ or something?

@LongtimelurkerL I don’t think four dates is such a big deal in the circumstances right bow. I think taking time to date and get to know someone is a rarity and not to be sniffed at actually. I’d love to experience that rather than the more common scenario where if you don’t show overt (exaggerated) interest you’re binned. It’s not necessarily about friendzoning vs a dash for romance, it’s really trying to have a clear eyed look at compatibility and the potential for a quality relationship to grow from your encounters. That’s as much for you to examine as him too ... So you are definitely not foolish or silly if it turns out to be a platonic friendship thing AT ALL. You’re wise and you’ve made a friend. Just don’t get into a situation where you’re being strung song as an option- that’s shit.

Thanks @HairyArsedMan - maybe he is a gentleman? Four dates not a big deal in what way sorry? Yeah I’m going to try and lean in at an opportune moment or something if date 4 materialises.

@Eesha and/or @Ruralbliss can I PM you something?