Dating Thread 197 - Dating into 2021 and beyond

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Hi @RhusTox and welcome but echo what everyone else says

Bloody hell. Been chatting to an utter delight off OLD tonight. he started off normal. Normal profile, nothing flashy. we talked about things we have in common and seemed to have a similar sense of humour. he then decided to tell me in some detail about his prior condom usage, including times that splits have occurred. WTF?? He's blocked. Why would someone think this was ok? I was not responding earlier with sexual innuendos. I feel as though he was trying to make me feel uncomfortable, after asking me what i was looking for and then going on about how he also was looking for a relationship. Is it something in me that brings it out, or are a huge number of professional, 30- something men with hobbies and friends just secret perverts?

Thanks for your welcomes and words of advice.

So far I've only really met up with one guy, and before we met, I told him that I was fresh out of a LTR and wasn't ready for a new one. He said he was fine with that and we had a couple of nice lunches.
But I will keep it at the front of our comms that we won't be sleeping together.

Welcome @RhusTox

I actually have found that’s quite nice sometimes - just set up a “meeting new friends/people ” ad and get to go out and broaden your social circle a bit.

I think often men WILL want there to be a romantic/sexual element to things (especially if they themselves are looking for a partner and find you physically attractive) . I think you can’t ignore that so have to be careful about “mixed signals”.

There’s a lot of guys/people who will only want to invest time and attention if they think they’ll get sexual/romantic attention so I’d be a bit wary

but equally there’s genuinely a lot of guys who are just happy going and doing lunches and stuff like that, especially if they’re new to town or something like that and used to having female friends or colleagues.

@cravingthelook MrFF came back? The one who broke you a couple of weeks ago when he admitted his lacklustre texting was because you deserved better then updated his fab profile with MFF or MMFF action of interest when he'd said to you he was looking for long term relationship?

Blimey. What was his opening line?

Deffo stay strong. He'll break you again if your resolve doesn't stay strong. He's a wolf

@yellowhighheels that's a special kind of chat up line....
What a catch.

I just had to state to an iron I'm meeting for a first date (dinner in a pub so not a date zero) that his idea of us spending NYE in his flat sounds marvellous to him it didn't to me as hadn't yet met him and have three kids at home that night. His response was I could get in touch with his mates via Fbook for verification he is nice lad. No sweetie it's about me not knowing whether I find more than 2 mins in your company excruciating first before I grace your flat with my presence.

I'll give him a name as I'm meeting him. MrScott.

I'm ambivalent which according to dating gurus is a good thing - shows I've got an abundant mindset. When we are excited it's to do with scarcity - could be BS but it's what I've read. Meanwhile MrScott is saying great things about me but not lovebomby

Have a NYD walking date lined up with a MrGeog having had pleasant chats yesterday.

MrScary and I nearly had a phone date having done synchronised remote comedy enjoyment this evening while I cooked dinner (the Adam Buxton Xmas episode with Joe Cornish - v v funny for those who haven't tuned in)

Also have a phone date lined up with MrLondon tomorrow. I'm back at work so going to schedule him in as a 'meeting'

That's quite good going I think.

ruralbliss go you!

@Ruralbliss very good going indeed 😀 can’t wait for the updates!
NYE will be me and the kids at home. Probably in separate rooms😊 Last year was my first one post separation and I did feel sad at midnight (was with my family in my sisters house) but then I reminded myself of all of the other NYEs when I was even sadder in my marriage. I know which I prefer.

My update is I have a child free night so Mr TG is coming over later. First time I’ve had a date come to my house so I feel weird but also v excited 😉

Go you @Ruralbliss !! I want all the updates

Yes that Mr FF ... well it seems a lot is bravado. He's not seeing the 'stunning lady', she's a friend that was happy to boost his profile and he admitted he over sold it. The new pictures are a couple of years old. I'm not even sure I believe him but it's funny regardless.

I asked why he messaged, he said he wanted to compliment my magnificent new photos and he felt bad about how we left it.
He said that the distance was going to be an issue under COVID circumstances. I told him he was a cowardly idiot and he could have told me that. He apologised and we left it on much friendlier terms.

It was nice to chat without being under a spell of hopeful intoxication. We genuinely get along as people. So now if he wants to be friends that's up to him. He knows I'm not hating him but equally knows I'm not putting up with any shit. If he wants to chat fine, I will not be chasing his friendship.

I need to prep for tonight's fun 😁

@Mayzee have fun tonight

Seems all the fun happens on a Tuesday 😁

Ooooh @Mayzee that's a big milestone. Hope you enjoy.

Have fun @cravingthelook too.

I'm now dreading my date tonight - not great.

Although we get on and he's tall & handsome he's broke & some other red flags. Hey ho a meal in a pub is a meal in a pub and I'm not going to cancel for that reason alone. And a pessimist is rarely disappointed 😂😂😂

@ruralbliss what other red flags?

I'm in tier 4 so sadly no more pub dates for me for what seems a long while!!

I'm pondering over yesterday's date and doubting going for a 2nd. Spoke to a nice guy last night and have semi arranged a date this weekend!

Plus I've barely heard from Mr Brain and really want to meet up with him but I'm not feeling that things are mutual due to the lack of comms and any next date plan 😔

Why is it you always want what you can't have 🤔

I don't know @Whoknows11 (wanting the ones who aren't that interested in us) but it does work the other way too I'm always a bit eye rolly when texts come in from potential irons I'd let slide or thought I'd let slide and they're clearly still interested.

So it's MrDialysis you're having second thoughts about? Fair enough.

Red flags 🚩 no money (already said that) a backstory of dire mental health, possibly a heavy drinker, no car at the mo, no kids (nit a red flag but I think I prefer blokes who are parents) and been in town for several years but no hadn't made any friends there.

I'm not selling him very well to you am I.

Tier 2 here so still rule breaking but he had Covid on 7th (positive test) and yesterday has negative test so feels low risk to me.

@ruralbliss ha ha no you aren't selling him! Seems to be the unlikely ones seem to do well and I quite like a challenge!!

Yes somehow will have to let Mr Chat know I've decided not to see him again. I feel awful but I can't see myself fancying him! Such a shame as he's lovely.

Still I plod on, I hope Mr Brain arranges a 6th date with me and I'll still arrange to meet this other guy Mr PT and see what happens!

It's definitely a strange time of year for dating especially with this added virus!!

What time you meeting?

Enjoy @Mayzee and @Ruralbliss maybe it’ll go better than you think?

Have you suggested one to Mr Brain @Whoknows11

I hope it doesn't go well now @LongtimelurkerL as one of the things I loved about last 8-week romance was his non-broke status and lovely stylish house (no more lovely or stylish then my own house but different tastes - more blokey) this one lives in student digs...
I may not be punching above my weight here.
🙄😬🤔

Argh @Ruralbliss - go for having a nice lunch then?

I hope you all have fun tonight @Ruralbliss @cravingthelook and @Mayzee and hope you had a good walking date @DudeFromThatLondon and didn't freeze too much.

I seem to have lost my mojo :( I revamped my Hinge profile yesterday, and then for some reason it was only showing me profiles of people I didn't find attractive. I lost count at several hundred X clicks, and had just a handful of profiles I liked - none of whom have responded.

I've apparently been liked almost 200 times on OKCupid, but have only had a handful of matches despite lots of swiping. Funnily enough I saw a female friend of mine on there, and when I mentioned I'd seen her, she told me she hadn't used the site since March. So I wonder how many profiles we see aren't active.

A couple of irons on Tinder have gone quiet, and I'm not had any matches on Bumble either.

So either I've become invisible, or maybe I've done something wrong and upset the dating gods!

@Ruralbliss you're not selling him very well at all really! Although I do see your point about not wanting to cancel so you can get out and have a meal in a pub :D

Oh dear @TheCatWithTheHat maybe it’s because it’s that weird week between Xmas and new year where no one knows what day it is? Start again in the new year??

Oh yes @DudeFromThatLondon hope the walk went well!

I might have date 4 coming up with MrLongWalk - how do I bring up a kiss without it being a) odd b) pushy if he doesn’t want to either because of covid or because he doesn’t like me like that and this is friends and I’m misreading it?? @Ruralbliss any tips, you seem to be very good at the non leading wording....

@LongtimeLurkerL "it’s that weird week between Xmas and new year where no one knows what day it is"

also known (thanks Susie Dent!) as the merryneum...

I think you ought to just come out with it @LongtimeLurkerL. You're clearly the more anxious about the situation and I think for your sake, you've got to ask him if he sees things as going in a romantic direction, because your gut feeling is that's the way you would like things to go. Then you can bring up covid snogging attitudes and know that there's no cover up.

@TheCatWithTheHat You've just got past being the new face. All the apps do it. When you're new they show you to everyone - so you pick up all the likes, attention you're likely to get from the existing pool. Now, it'll be a trickle based on the new users that you get to see, and the new users that get to see you. No gods involved.

@HairyArsedMan via text or in person? I have no idea how to do either - I want to be like all you cool people who can just say what they want but I’m terrible at the phrasing and either sound prickly (defence mechanism) or clingy and weird

In person @LongtimeLurkerL just go with "so ... we've been on a few dates now, I've got to know you and do like spending time with you and wondered if you were seeing this as being a possible romantic connection ?"

I'm not very good at these things either but I had a similar talk with someone in the summer and broached it in the middle of a walk. We did like each other but she was hesitant because she saw some logistical and distance based issues with us having children of very differing ages and she wanted an all in relationship. I thought about it for a while and realised I probably couldn't be that guy for her.

@HairyArsedMan that would explain the explosion of likes on OKCupid, but I've been on the others for 18 months now, and it's like they've just switched on stealth mode for me. The steady trickle has gone dry!

Maybe it is just this strange week - I never knew it had a name, thanks - you learn something every day!

@LongtimelurkerL I'm not very good at these things either, but I've sent something like this a couple of times after dates "had a good time, blah, blah, blah - It's a shame about the whole Covid thing, as I really wanted to give you a cheeky goodbye kiss, but it's hard to do wearing a mask/with social distancing" Then see what he says.

Or depending on how flirty your chat is, you can be a little suggestive, and say that if you get too cold, he may need to warm you up on the walk and that your lips are especially prone to freezing.

If he's seeing you for a fourth time, I suspect he does like you - but may well be nervous or unsure himself.

@LongtimelurkerL

When you’re next chatting textually can you get some subtle flirty innuendo in?

Not necessarily “carry-on” style humour or sending him a naked photo when he’s at his family New Years do

but something like “so what’s your view on socially distanced kissing then? ”.

Or “it’s predicted to be cold, i hope you’re planning to give me a really close cuddle and keep me warm?”

I completely get where you’re coming from emotionally - it’s easy to feel very self-conscious if you’re not wired up that way and you don’t want to be someone you’re not? (Plus fear of rejection etc).

But I think a lot of decent guys do want the woman to give a physical green light before doing anything.