Dating Thread 197 - Dating into 2021 and beyond

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@30somethingandstillsingle thats reallu positive. What do you think? Is he someone you could date?

I’m taking 2020 as a decent start to my dating life since I decided to start dating in a pandemic

Since May I’ve met 6 men for dates, kissed 5 of them, chatted to lots more. Each time I’ve learned something about myself, what I do and don’t want, boundaries, deal breakers and I’ve had lots of fun.
I’ve also braved being naked in front of another man (2, soon to be 3 men😜) besides my ex. And it was alright

I’m looking forward to going on proper dates in 2021 - whenever that will happen.

Hear hear @Mayzee love that attitude and I'm feeling the same.

I learnt so much from the 2-3 month romances I had plus ever grateful that I met two of them just before lockdowns started so had the thrill of new men to distract me.

Have learned that just because they appear to like me and fancy me on 1st Date it doesn't mean they are good enough for me and actually I should trust my gut feelings after first phone chat as came away feeling 'Meh' on at least two of them.

No more getting involved with blokes who aren't treating me as the prize as no matter how much fun it is at first it's always horrible when it ends and I can't take any more emotional exhaustion.

Enjoying matching, chatting and letting blokes slide at the first 'Nope not for me'. Have had a few phone chats where date zero to MnSnS (meet n sniff n snog) has been suggested but no one who's great right now.

In the meantime enjoying doing up my house, playing a new instrument, reading etc and grateful for the life I have sans XH & if I never meet a suitable someone then so be it but it won't be for lack of trying!

@Eesha yes I think he is, he ticks a lot of boxes and I'd like to 'date', get to know him better and see where it leads.

I don’t think I can ever approach a relationship holding the point of view that I am that prize. Certainly I want to be treated with honesty and due consideration but think even those have got to be earned - I’m not entitled to them. Guess I’m doomed !

*the prize

Great @30somethingandstillsingle I think you should say something like 'I'm glad we've initiated this conversation and looking forward to our next meet up so we can talk more, I'd like to see how this goes'

And yes, as much as I've had tears and heartbreak I'm learning a lot this year.
I'm getting a lot of normal chitchat as well as naughty chat with Mr Sounds and I'm enjoying the fantasy of it. It's just what it is, he has some wonderful qualities and he's looking at it as a friendship too.

My Tag Team is quiet today, a couple of messages this morning but that's it.

So my cold walk date with Mr Chat went well. Not a massive attraction but his personality is lovely. So I've agreed to a 2nd date to see if things change! Anyone else think cold winter walks are difficult to figure someone out and see if there is any intial attraction? I'm reserved to his dialysis situation as I'm sure anyone who dates him would be!
My other date Mr Brain is still very elusive and it's bugging me. I've decided not to message him and see if he messages me! He knows my 2 childf free nights this week, the 1st being tonight and he hasn't made any plans with me! I'm not holding out much hope which is sad as the sex was great!!

@HairyArsedMan - I don't see it is thinking you are the best rather the potential lover treating you with kindness, respect and showing an interest. If any of those three things are missing it's time to move on.

You do deserve kindness, respect and have the person you are getting to know show an interest in you - or why would you bother.

Sounds good @Whoknows11 fingers crossed for some spark on date two. Annoying about Mr Brain

On that note does everyone on here have 50/50 initiation of contact and dates right from the word go?

Is being treated that way being prized @cravingthelook ? I agree completely ... why bother if those basics are not being displayed. But it’s not what I think of when I imagine being ‘the prize’. I guess likewise I don’t see someone else as a prize ... the result of a serious investment of effort so they they can be ‘won’ by me.

Good for you @Whoknows11 and my take if I were in your shoes would be to ask one question of myself "Do I want to see him again?" if the answer is 'definitely not' then do the necessary polite let down but if it's either "Yes!" Or "I think so" or "Not sure" then there's no harm in another meet to find out more about him. Maybe a phone call in the meantime or a video call?

Must be awful to be so poorly and lovely for him to know that it isn't necessarily a deal breaker for all potential women.

Thanks @LongtimelurkerL. First one for a while so fingers crossed.

@30somethingandstillsingle that’s a positive note to end the year. Sounds good!

Also would say I’ve learnt a lot despite the shitty bits. Definitely had some very good bits but went awry at least in part for not setting or sticking to boundaries and being a rebound. Probably would have done better if I’d known about this thread 😁. At least I got first post-divorce relationship out of the way.

@HairyArsedMan I think it's another example of terminology and defining what we mean here

I agree with @cravingthelook that it isn't thinking I'm the best or something to be won and displayed like a medal but instead of blokes being like 'Meh. Not fussed enough to send this one chatty texts or ask Qs about who she is and what we might have in common' being more like 'I am sooooo glad we matched and let me send you some fun clips, interesting snippets you might like. I want to find out more about you and spending time with you is really great.'

I've had both.

Wish I hadn't progressed with the Meh Men x 2 (although learned loads from them and both gave me some top gifts - a practice amp and nice jewellery)

The mad/sad boys x 2 who loved me showed me what acting like I'm the prize looks like - they were just really pleased we were seeing each other, attentive, caring, funny, responsive, gave good considered advice etc etc.

Not to be confused with the Narcissistic Lovebomber who was future faking from Date 1 and declaring he'd never met anyone so perfect or amaaaaaaawzing then dropped me like a stone when I was hospitalised and not so perfect after all. Tit.

That's what I take to mean acting like I'm the prize.

One iron (I'm not naming any of them until a positive Date Zero has happened) and I chatted first time last night for a solid two hours and he's genuinely thrilled we've matched and can't wait to meet me.
This is what I'm talking about.
Not Meh but not lovebombing.
The sweet spot in the middle.

@ruralbliss it's a yes I'd like to see him again! We've already pencilled in a next date.

He's the total opposite to Mr Brain!

Thanks @DudeFromThatLondon I'm totally adding that to my list - not being the rebound.

My last iron revealed on first phone call that he was fresh (like a few short weeks) out of a 5 year intense volatile relationship where it ended dramatically and violently.

I should have said a polite thanks but no thanks right there and then but I wasn't to know (do now though) he wasn't interested in a relationship and the amount of mentions his ex got was phenomenal. He was horribly damaged by the experience but also clearly still adored her. I didn't stand a chance!

That's going straight in my 2021 list.

I had a great match yesterday and chatted by text into small hours about music swapping all our favourites but then discovered today that he is broke and carless which has been added to my list of no-nos.

Haven't binned him off but remembering to have my own standards upheld else sadness down the line.

He has a plausible set of reasons unlike last broke bf who simply liked spending more than he earned & couldn't be arsed to behave like a grown up.

I'm going to phone him for a chat to see what he's like.

How's he opposite @Whoknows11 and great to have a second date to look forward to. That's ace.

@ruralbliss he's very polite, well spoken, doesn't swear, very intelligent (he's a lawyer), seems interested in me, great at communicating, rings and texts me! Says straight out he's after a relationship, doesn't talk about sex or seem to have expectations on that front!
Gosh I'm not selling Mr Brain at all. But we have connection and he makes me laugh a lot!

@Ruralbliss - yes, mine was a bit further out (a few months) but said she was fine. She wasn’t at all and talked about him quite a lot. But that was also her reasoning for breaking up (although it turned out she was straight back on the apps). All a bit meh really. So not a rebound definitely on my list too.

Does the confusion re prize come from prize as verb vs prize as noun. I’m with @HairyArsedMan in that I tend to think of the latter when I see the word.

@LongtimelurkerL - 50/50 largely I think, but can be flexible depending on circumstances, ie if one person has less free time than the other.

Good to have multiple irons @Whoknows11

It's amazing how very different the people we find connection with an attraction to is isn't it.

Reminds me of that brilliant Tim Minchin song...

@DudeFromThatLondon as long as we all remember to let people who are treating you with less interest and respect than everyone deserves slide early on and not pursue people who are lukewarm at best or not very nice at worst then it doesn't matter what words we're using.

I'm choosing to give myself the title of 'Total Prize' right now as it's a new concept for me to view myself like this and helps me keep my newish standards upheld.

Throughout my life I've been treated horribly and with little respect (as a kid by my dad, through my teens by myself, and from age 20ish onwards by my XH and more recently with short term OLD irons but i binned them off as soon as I realised)

I'm fit, funny, solvent, energetic, interesting, cool, have a senior role, sensual, can cook, raising three great teens, well traveled, skilled, kind etc etc.

Some bloke that ticks my boxes will think 'Great!' about me and treat me as fabulously as I will treat him.
He will think he's lucked out. So will I.

He will not be think 'Meh' and he also will not shout at me, tell me what to wear, make me think I'm mad, spectate while I do all domestic drudgery, drink too much and spend all my money.

He will think he and I have both struck gold with one another.

That's the dream anyway.

*I'm fit, funny, solvent, energetic, interesting, cool, have a senior role, sensual, can cook, raising three great teens, well traveled, skilled, kind etc etc. Some bloke that ticks my boxes will think 'Great!' about me and treat me as fabulously as I will treat him.
He will think he's lucked out. So will I. *

@Ruralbliss That's exactly how I see myself (minus the kids), and exactly what I'm looking for. Obviously woman not bloke in my case

Surely that person is out there somewhere, wondering when they will meet us? I really hope so.

One thing I know for sure - when I finally meet that person, I will treasure them all the more having worked so hard and long to find them.

I completely get what you are saying @HairyArsedMan I'm not trying to win a game either
I think sometimes it's easy for us to forget our worth so saying we are a prize is just a wag to easily remind ourselves. At least that's the way I think it.
I remind myself I am worthy of all the basics, I am a prize to me, I will not accept bad behaviour