Dating Thread 197 - Dating into 2021 and beyond

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Hi all - hope you had a wonderful Christmas and Boxing Day. I’ve been focusing on the kids and family the last 3 days so dating on the back burner - though Mr Ginger and Mr Local (surprisingly and very unusually) both messaged me a lot. Mr Ginger got me a lovely, thoughtful and expensive gift as well. But messaged today and when I asked him what he was up to he was at his exes mums with the kids. Weird! 🤷‍♀️ I’m not giving it much thought though - New Year’s Resolution for 2021 is straight from Rupaul, I am going to love myself (or how the hell you gonna love anyone else?) 😂

Looking back at my dating in 2020 I had absolutely dogshit standards from Mr Beard onwards, and I met him at a point of utter vulnerability and low self esteem, quickly followed 4 weeks later by lockdown. Had I worked on myself and not been in such a bad place mentally, I would have run a mile from the vain, faithless, arrogant, politically ignorant, culturally vapid, overdressed, walking, talking mid life crisis - and all the dickheads that trailed in his faithless wake.

Glad I’ve got that off my chest! Onwards and upwards in 2021! I’d rather be alone than let some fuckboy treat me like that again.

As you were.

Oh and @TheCatWithTheHat - so sorry about your brother’s pet xxx

Speaking of mental intense Xmas communication, things seem a bit crazy with MrC - he was having (more than) a few yesterday and it’s all the football today?

which is fine, his call (they can’t drink on rigs)

but I’m off alcohol so we’re quite out of sync. He messaged in the small hours of this morning all lovey dovey but a bit blotto.

I don’t want to be meeting up if he’s “delicate” and he leaves morning of day after tomorrow.

So I’ve checked in and said if he’s “dead busy” (arf) we can always catch up when he returns

but I don’t think I can face someone hungover when I’m actually quite headachey and queasy myself!

It’s not being cold hearted, just trying to be pragmatic.

I think with only three weeks on shore before being out again he wants to cram ALL his socialising in, but equally I can’t help what I feel comfortable with?

Update. I don’t want to ignore your lows and I have read everything to catch up but other than empathy I haven’t got any more advice than has already been sent. You are all so wise.

Mr Dice has been everything I needed to end my 18 month, partly voluntary, abstinence from sex. We spent the last 24 hours together and it has been such a relief and confidence boost to be with a man who clearly fancy’s the pants off me, thinks I have a great body and that I can’t do anything wrong in bed.
He will remain in the friends/ benefits category mainly because I really don’t want a relationship and he likes situationshipping which rather suits me for now.

High five for Xmas scoring @Wasail

@wasail what's situation shipping?

@Whoknows11 I think it’s where he likes doing the relationshipy things while with me but happily switches back to his single life when alone. Mr Dice knows full well I do t want a LT relationship but we both enjoy doing romantic things - having a drink in a bar, long walks and getting to know each other. It suits me as I do need to know and trust a lover and it suits him because he likes it but it only lasts while we are in that situation. I may be wrong on the terminology

It’s just FWB really isn’t it?

A fairly hungover MrC called

We had a nice conversation and so hopefully a chilled cup of tea and goodbye cuddle (so soon!) is on the cards tomorrow but will confirm in the morning.

I think I’m like a pp here in that binge drinking/alcoholism is a bit of a trigger for me - I do drink but am genuinely happy teetotal plus probably am better cutting out for health reasons right now.

Plus I just don’t want to have to adapt my lifestyle to someone else’s if they’re a heavier drinker than me - I drink if it’s a significant social occasion but my body just can’t easily cope with every night.

Whereas MrC is more a “beer in front of the tv” guy.

It’s too soon to call but he’s generally interested in fitness and yoga so hopefully we’ll find some common ground in terms of lifestyle

@Wasail

It is FWB. Be careful. Enjoy it of course but just have your wits about you.

18 months?!? @Wasail
Goodness I didn't realise that. I'm impressed and gobsmacked.

Glad the break to that fast went wonderfully and with someone who thinks you and your body are the fantastic prize. Go you!

18 months....wow.

He's off already @Bunkbedpeople?

I hope you're ok. It's a lot to deal with after such a lot of time together.

Are you feeling better health wise than you were yesterday?

I'm dusting off the vegan cookbooks after coming off the wagon last year due to carb intolerance a man I'm chatting to shared his vegan insta and suddenly I felt back to being horrified that I'm not plant based as I was for ages, love animals and the environment etc.

Has anyone dated anyone who is awaiting a transplant? I've been chatting to someone and he seems lovely and we get on well on the phone but I'm concerned about his health and how it would work 🤔

Mr Brain being elusive so I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket!

@Ruralbliss

Haven’t managed out today but done some work and pottering around

it’s a pain dating whilst ill as I feel like a bit of a “drama queen” giving progress updates - but it has to be done.

I remember dating in my 20’s with low self esteem thinking I had to keep smiling and be available always no matter what I was feeling As Otherwise They Wouldn’t Like Me.

Not so much now.

Plus my base level of fitness is high and I look robust so I feel a bit silly sometimes - it’s like “oh you’re ill but you can do that easily” (that’s as I could easily knock out a three hour spontaneous run last year ).

The plan is MrC drops in and we cuddle and chat and listen to 90’s music I deffo can’t manage physical intimacy.

He says he’s ordered me some vitamins so that’s nice of him.

I think it’s just a case of sticking everything in a holding pattern for now and seeing what happens in a month

Realistically I wouldn’t be up for the apps right now (plus LOCKDOWN)

and MrMilitary wants to catch up too (lots of bored seamen on shore leave ) so I feel I’m not just pinning all my hopes on one fellah working away.

*They’re ok with the woman being part of a harem but not ok with her using the situation to meet others.

If you’ve agreed to casual and are genuinely happy with it, this actually seems to discomfit them a bit?*

Yes, I have experienced this quite a lot. I reiterate that the majority of men just can't handle Fab, despite thinking they can

Wasail yay, fist bump! You found an apple in the sack of Cornish potatoes! (or should that be a satsuma, given the time of year?)

I have been messaged by a nice sounding polyamorous couple. They're married, and she has a boyfriend, too. It was her that got in touch with me- I think she's taken on the job of finding him a girlfriend! I admit to being intrigued......

@Whoknows11 i went on a date with someone quite seriously ill and who needed a lung transplant if it got worse. We had a steamy, fun date but didn't really have too much in common plus he had decided that although he was clean living, that if he got so ill that he needed a transplant, then he wouldn't have the transplant and would just live his last months very hedonistically. Not sure that helps though....

Had a repeat of ex and his gf chatting to the kids but this time I handed my toddlers the phone and scuttled away rather than standing around like a lemon! I felt much less like a servant.

Had a 3hr chat with Mr Yoga tonight again so feel better. Have arranged to go on a socially distanced walk and open our xmas presents simultaneously in the park. The glamour!

Glad your contact has settled down @Eesha - I think Xmas day itself is just weird for a lot of people socially ! I only got to talk to MrC today but honestly he was polite but a bit drunk and laddish yesterday - and if his contact was normally like that it would be a no-go.

@Whoknows11

I’d probably treat the transplant like other “outside the norm” things - maybe get to to know a bit more, see if you actually like the guy, make sure you’re not falling into a “fixer” role....

it must be really tough for him and I feel compassion but equally it might be tough dating him practically, and it’s ok to say you can’t handle it and not be the bad guy? (Just like any other dating reason)

@bunkbedpeople

We've chatted a bit on the phone and get on very well. He's a busy man, especially with dialysis 3x week with no end in sight yet! He's physically very fit and doesn't seem to let anything stop him. Quite inspiring really.

I had no thoughts on this situation until now. Funny what OLD throws at you!

I'm quite open minded so will see how it goes. My concern would be how is it possible physically date him with covid in the mix. However I've had the vaccine so can offer some reassurance there maybe 🤔

@Whoknows11

Yeh full lockdown dating is pretty weird isn’t it, even without the risks to him

You could bring up the first meet idea lightly and discuss and let him decide and do his own risk assessment really

@crackofdoom being irish maybe he should be the potato? Either way he is a peach. I’ve just slept for 11 hours to recover and I think I can walk straight .

I must admit to being intrigued by the couples idea, mr Dice said he has met some lovely couples on Fab, I get the impression that as a gentle giant Irishman he is quite popular on there . Let us know how it goes if you meet t them.

The 18 month break was because my exh and I had to live together for over a year after splitting up, he was coercive about sex so I needed to feel like I really wanted it. I have been on and off the Apps for about 6 months but it turns out that I’m very fussy so took a while to filter through what’s available locally. Now I’ve broken the fast I may be a little less choosy, we’ll see.

@bunkbedpeople

I can't get my head around dating in tier 4 and especially not with someone who should be shielding!

He spent Christmas with his family so he's not completely shielding. I think maybe I'm more concerned than him!!

I'm currently dating Mr Brain and sleeping together. It's obviously early days but by talking to Mr Chat I'm starting to see what I'm missing but would like with Mr Brain. So dating both is already showing its advantages. Mr Chat is charming and seems genuinely interested in me. We chatted on the phone for 90 minutes last night and it's so easy to talk to him. Mr Brain and I don't chat on the phone and his texts can be very sporadic!

Only time will tell, but Mr Chat is a great distraction from Mr Brain!

Good call @Whoknows11 - I found having chats with people who are actually interested in what I have to say (whether I’ve met them or not) stops me obsessing about whether or not I get messages from current irons who are non communicative (Mr Local) and stops me a) looking an idiot texting them a lot, b) wanting to or c) caring much! I’m definitely better with a wider, shallower network than a single focus. But then I never attract/choose healthy men for my “one”

@Wasail your night sounds amazing. Being Irish living in Ireland I’d love to say all of our men are like that. Alas no 😂

@Whoknows11 Mr Chat sounds lovely. I think if he is comfortable to meet and see where is goes and is confident he’s not being reckless, then you could accept that as reassurance. If you get to meet in person you could talk it out with him more.

@Bunkbedpeople sweet of Mr C to get you the vitamins and want to come by to see you before he goes. You are obviously important to him. Is it going to be a case of wait for him some more now or are you thinking of putting a few more eggs in your basket, in case he is away longer etc?

@Eesha glad Mr Yoga is back in touch. I hope that card makes an appearance when you meet up to exchange presents

@crackofdoom you have the most adventurous dating experience. I want to live vicariously through you

No real update from me. Haven’t seen Mr TG yet. We are planning to meet for a walk in the next couple of days. He is coming to a place near me and I would love to invite him to mine after but I’m thinking I won’t be child free now 😬 Ex was supposed to take kids away for 3 days but we’re back on lockdown so he can’t now. And therefore the kids esp my daughter do not want to go to his as all of their new things and nice food is here
I think his living situation is going to be a problem going forward. As I won’t be telling my kids I’m dating for a long time so if they are here he can’t be, lockdown means no hotels are open, we really won’t be able to move things on to dtd which I really want ...unless we do it in the car
I’m willing to hang in there for a while to see how things go but how an actual relationship can develop under the circumstances remains to be seen.

@Mayzee, as an Irishwoman I was a little surprised! I had to ask him if he knew yer one from Kildare to be sure .