Dating Thread 197 - Dating into 2021 and beyond

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Merry Christmas to you all . Hope you are having a great day. @Bunkbedpeople hope you feel better soon 🎄

@bunkbedpeople you are right, I'm glad he's not full on as if be questioning that even more.
My children are home and we've had a lovely walk, I feel less lonely now.
I had a text to say Merry Christmas in reply to mine, so that made me smile! I definitely find playing it cool difficult.

Feeling a bit better thanks guys Pretty frustrating/annoying being ill JUST when all the boys are in town!

I’m definitely going to be all cute and physically better in February and be sitting around in an amazing frock “wasting the pretty”

MrC is going in two days time and has suggested meeting tomorrow or day after but I’m quite weak still (managed exercise and kept food down) so might just suggest he drops into mine for a tea and a cuddle He offered to help get my food in but tbh I’m not a pretty sight right now and just want to wallow in day old pants.

Oh and it’s five weeks he’s away for (allegedly though I reckon it might be extended - I think he’s not minding the extra work cash as he’s investing in property ) so just take it one day at a time.

it’s a case of “stay connected but he does him I’ll do me” right now

he did mention he does want children at some point and I don’t (this often is an issue for me - I always am clear on the first date that this is my stance but a lot of men think they can secretly “turn” me).

Friend dropped mince pies off and flatmate has dropped mulled wine at doorstep of solo neighbour.

MrMilitary - also will try to catch up.

We’ve exchanged a few messages and there’s still something quite innocent and loving and direct about him which is very appealing - conversation when we physically met the other week was just sparkling although he’s a bit blunt in messages . So I’ll stay in contact for sure.

Feeling a bit shit tonight. Ex called to speak to the kids (toddlers) and his gf joined him so I spent 20min holding the phone for them to play happy families. I don't get how he can be abusive and worn me down yet finds this woman who clearly adores him. No word from Mr Yoga so I'm assuming he has fallen asleep early. So no card, no Christmas chat, no thank you for the gifts I got him, just me crying most of the evening thinking when is it going to be my time?

Sending good vibes @Eesha it’s a weird emotional time of year, everyone is juggling a lot of things even without the Coronavirus stuff. Keep posting if you need to let off steam x

@Bunkbedpeople thank you. I don't think I would have felt shit normally but my ex situation just set me off and I automatically started to psychoanalyse my relationship with Mr Yoga as to why I wasn't getting the same as my ex was getting from his gf. I think I just need to separate the two and see each for what they are. Sometimes I just feel like I'm always doing so much and not getting anything in return, or in my exes case, just being an emotional punch bag when he loses his rag.

@Eesha
Good idea to seperate the ex issues and Mr Yoga.

What you have to remember is that eirh your ex you dont know whats teally going on in their relationship?
No doubt when you were together people thought you had the perfect relationship.
Abusers very rarely change so either they're in the honeymoon phase or he is abusing her but they pretend to the outside world everything is great.

I'm sorry to hear Mr Yoga hasn't been in contact today, has he got side tracked with his family xmas or maybe he thought that he shouldnt disturb his family xmas.
He will have a reason for lack of contact that makes sense to him.

Please dont cry, celebrate the fact you got away from your abusive ex and didnt have to spend all of xmas day with him.

🤗🤗

@Eesha
Apologies for spelling errors, fat fingers on a phone keyboard do not mix 🤣

I also meant disturb your family xmas.

Just another thought, did you agree for him to ring or could you have rung him?

Unles your life is actually perfect, this is just the time of year when you find yourself taking a good luck at yout situation and deciding it's a bit shit. And it's often when we need to hear from people most that they don't get in touch, usually for very good reason.

I'm sure you'll hear from Mr Yoga soon Eesha and you'll be able to put thoughts of your shitty ex and his new gf, who he's no doubt abusing, behind you 💐

Oh Eesha....I bet he engineered the phone call to be that way just so that he could showcase his "perfect" relationship and make you feel like shit. I'd say that it's not normal for a man's new GF to be involved in a long phone call to his kids, especially when the kids' mum is having to play an active part. Maybe a "Hello", but not much more than that .

No more pearls of wisdom from me, quite drunk by now. Yay, we survived Christmas 2020! Nadelik Lowen! xxx

Warm Christmas love to the thread tonight, the kindness and support here are truly phenomenal. You are all wonderful people and you deserve only the best.

@Eesha I’m so sorry you are sad tonight, please accept a hug 💐

@Eesha I agree with @crackofdoom

That call was probably engineered to make you feel like shit.

Abusers and controlling types like creating situations with poor boundaries and using new dates to play them off against each other....

When I dated someone controlling, he was DESPERATE for me to get involved with his children, be around for his ex to see ASAP. He did a lot of love bombing in the first month which I went along with, but it was all just an act.

I meant nothing to him - I was just a pawn to “punish” her for divorcing him.

Likewise, after I left him, we were part of the same social gathering.

He asked if I wanted a drink and (naively) I agreed and walked up to the bar with him.

He then started chatting up the barmaid and subtly implied to her I was this oddball who had just followed him to the bar and he was trying to lose me...

He wasn’t happily or cheerfully attracted to the barmaid - she was the “pawn” to punish me for leaving him.

Also abusers like special days - Xmas and birthdays to play games with.

8When I dated someone controlling, he was DESPERATE for me to get involved with his children, be around for his ex to see ASAP. He did a lot of love bombing in the first month which I went along with, but it was all just an act.

I meant nothing to him - I was just a pawn to “punish” her for divorcing him*

Same, but I got pregnant and had his baby . How he enjoyed telling me how she cried when he told her .

Then he disappeared on me and 5 week old baby on - yes- my birthday...

That’s awful @crackofdoom - it’s like they have some sort of manual to abuse and control and (try to) break others whilst “maintaining a normal facade”

I got taken away for a big birthday (mine) soon after I met abusive guy.

and of course the idea was the information would filter back to the ex wife that he was on holiday with this (younger) woman and everything was perfect.....And she would feel like some dowdy older woman

There’s even some great photos of us together.

The reality was that he played little controlling games all weekend to make me feel like shit - I’m low maintenance/studenty/cheap but he made a point of insisting that we couldn’t eat out anywhere “nice”, randomly left the hotel room for five hours without telling me.

Coming home as soon as we got off the train he just randomly walked off without saying what he was doing or seeing me home or making any plans for meeting.

All calculated, of course. It was the start of testing my boundaries

(but to the ex wife of course it would look like she’d lost out on this amazing man who had this gorgeous new lover who was so happy)

I know it’s the day of goodwill and all that but I still hope he dies a painful and lonely death.

Hope you've all had a cosy day - am going to catch up with your news in a mo but just thought I'd share a YES! moment on the apps

It's been weeks of match, chat, bin/slide - sometimes with a phone chat or a date zero planned or carried out but nobody really my type or meeting my standards or asking Qs

Matched & chatted with a cool sounding potential iron this evening after my kids went to bed & he's a tall clever creative dude who writes like me & laughs at my stupid wordplay. Has twin teens like me. Am going to bed happy after all the lols and swooning at his profile pics.

Well done universe a nice end to a fairly lacklustre Xmas day.

My teens were pretty rubbish and one in particularly was full of ungratefulness and argumentative. No one ate much of the huge dinner I cooked.

Felt like Santa, his elves, Cinderella and their financier all rolled into one.

Was nice sitting down with them watching Xmas shite & all day prosecco with log burner going so no actual grumbles

Oh @Eesha I should have read the thread first.

I'm here to echo the others. Your ex is most definitely not the prize!

He's a cockwomble you should be ever pleased, proud and grateful you got away from.

My XH was with his new gf weeks after we split (actually before we split and most probably the reason why he upped his abusiveness to me & our son but that's another story) and before long they had their joint yes joint insta account. Yes joint 🤮account for the whole world to enjoy their lurrrve

Plus telling my poor PTSD kids that he had to have her there all the time even when they visited as "this is your family now" (errr nope - she & her three kids really aren't)

They're broken mad bad sad men and yes we looked picture perfect from the outside apart from the times i turned up crying at weddings because he was so very nasty in the car.

Try to get back to remembering what a shit deal life with him was and back to ambivalence as to what he does with whom.

You're doing a grand job. Toddlers too - wow!

Oh @crackofdoom what a story. I'm so sorry.

There are some really bad blokes out there which is why this thread is so fantastic for wisdom and support.

Lovebombing feels so wonderful if you've been hoping to find love & although our guts say 'Wtf?!? This is all a bit heady and fast' it's so easy to get caught up in it.

Another reason why it's general consensus here to take things steady with anyone new, not reveal abusive past lives, not introduce kids, keep a running log of things of note which might be red flags, keep matching and chatting to others and don't over invest early on.

Sometimes easier said than done but this thread helps enormously. None of us want to find ourselves entangled with bad lads again.

Thank you all for your words of support. I just woke up and saw all these notifications so I'm touched as I felt so down last night.

@crackofdoom what an awful story, I'm so sorry.

With my ex, he was abusive with me but I doubt the call style was engineered by him. I believe it was him calling to show her family he was a decent dad (which he can be) but the fact is she's been with him on and off for 3 years and I feel she wants to show him that she can be good with his kids, to cement things between them. She can clearly manage him more than me as I was completely worn down mentally by him. I have mutual friends who say she accepts his heavy drinking side and is very feisty so it's like a love hate thing. She has called the police on him before. I'm quite a soft person myself so was permanently scared, he crushed me with his anger. I guess yesterday I felt like a massive mug, standing there holding the phone for them all to play happy families and I could see her popping in and out to cuddle him and chat to them. The kids are tiny so they know her etc so it's ok in that respect plus she looks like my older double. He seems better when in a couple too.

@Ruralbliss I was the same, every event marred by some argument beforehand, even post birth of my kids. Although he seems fine most of the time now, I'll never forgive him for taking away those moments which were supposed to be so special and choosing to be frightening with me instead.

@SortingItOut re: Mr Yoga, we swapped messages xmas morning and said we would chat later. But when I tried in the evening, nothing. He does usually sleep early and I think yesterday was a big old family zoom day so I wonder if that was information overload as well because he's autistic and genuinely did want an early night. He struggles with his parents at times so it could have gone either way. I'm sure I'll hear from him today. He's someone who has been really communicative for the last few weeks daily so I can't really complain about this. Its just the fact that I really like him a lot, that I'm scared to feel happy in case it goes pear shaped, and finally my ex seeming in this much better situation of being with someone who adores him and me wondering why I can't have that with Mr Yoga. It's still early days for Mr Yoga and I and we are both in complicated situations and are emotionally unavailable in our own way. I have my ex FWB professing love quite regularly so it's not that I want anyone to love me, it's just I want Mr Yoga.

I need to keep the two situations very separate though, my ex and also Mr Yoga. One shouldn't influence the other.

eesha I hope you wake today feeling a bit better about your ex situation and hear from MrYoga who will no doubt cheer you up.

I'm so sorry that so many of you on here have had to deal with such abusive exs 🤬 youre all very strong though and should be proud of where you are now. Whatever facade your exs put on now, you know they will never truly be happy as its not within them.

As for me, another Christmas done. I find it hard this time of year because 1) it reminds me that this time 4 years ago I first knew something had happened to what I considered my perfect 2 decade marriage (in fact ex dh engineered going out most of boxing day to "sort out a missing gift he'd wanted to get me" leaving me at home with our 3 small children whilst he was really spending time with his OW) and b) still find it odd sharing the kids at times like this when I never expected to be a single parent.

As for the apps, chatted with a match yesterday who seemed a possibility until he questioned whether I'd be up for a Cuckold lifestyle- so that was a no for me. Chatting with a few others. None jumping out as possibles at this stage though

@Slothmomma sorry you found Christmas hard and that it reminds you of being cheated on. It's not such a jolly day for lots of people.

On a completely unrelated note, you did bring me joy by writing a list consisting of 1) and b). That's made my day 😂

wewantthefinestwines that too has made me chuckle - sums me up 🤣

What is a cuckold lifestyle @Slothmomma I can't imagine - basically being someone's OW perhaps? No matter as he's binned now away.

That's crappy that your Xmas is marred by ghosts of Xmas past finding out your XH was lying through his teeth about missed gifts and spending it with another.
How do these people live with themselves?

I'm so sorry. I remember the date and day I realised my XH was involved with another (now his lucky partner) but thankfully not at a special time of year. I can well imagine how it comes back each year as you are alone with the kids as you were when he went off to be a cheating bastard 4 yrs ago.

Not easy.

I too got much joy from 1) and b) - the sort of thing I do at work all the time.

This will make you smile Sent an email to a load of people just before Xmas with the word 'Account' in the subject but in my haste omitted the 'o' from that word.
Go me 😊

What is a cuckold lifestyle @Slothmomma I can't imagine - basically being someone's OW perhaps? No matter as he's binned now away.

That's crappy that your Xmas is marred by ghosts of Xmas past finding out your XH was lying through his teeth about missed gifts and spending it with another.
How do these people live with themselves?

I'm so sorry. I remember the date and day I realised my XH was involved with another (now his lucky partner) but thankfully not at a special time of year. I can well imagine how it comes back each year as you are alone with the kids as you were when he went off to be a cheating bastard 4 yrs ago.

Not easy.

I too got much joy from 1) and b) - the sort of thing I do at work all the time.

This will make you smile Sent an email to a load of people just before Xmas with the word 'Account' in the subject but in my haste omitted the 'o' from that word.
Go me 😊

ruralbliss I think its where the man gets off an watching his partner/or knowing his partner is having sex with other men 🤷‍♀️ or something like that but definitely not for me so unmatched and deleted