Dating Thread 197 - Dating into 2021 and beyond

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@LongtimelurkerL you sound like a really great catch, and there is someone out there who will appreciate you for everything you are. I sometimes feel the same frustrations too - as do I'm sure a lot of people on this thread, so you're not alone. But finding the right person usually takes time, and a lot of searching and heartache. It will happen though, and you are still so young - there is no rush.

I'm impressed to see there are so many scientific women here - I have a scientific background too, and have a techy job so that would certainly appeal to me.

I have a rubbish degreee as well, so pretty much everyone has better qualifications than me - If I got snooty about not wanting my partner to me more highly qualified than me, that would rule out a lot of women I really enjoy having a conversation/debate with someone where we're both on a similar level, and where there is a mutual respect.

I think I'd have to agree with @cravingthelook - if it was allowed, I'd totally date half this thread too!

I'm with you on the texting @Ruralbliss - with every long term relationship I've had, I have spoken with them every day. For me it's got to be regular, and fairly equal. I agree that texting style is quite a big factor in knowing if someone is a good match. I'd find it hard if my partner was happy to go more than a day without hearing from me.

Sorry I just thought of something else I wanted to post (spot the person who had a three hour drive to gather thoughts today...)

Autism vs rudeness.

My son is autistic. High functioning but fully diagnosed. He is rude. He doesn't know he is but he is.

Example: I just made nachos. As I was assembling he said 'How long will they be?' I said 'About 5 mins I've just got grate cheese and grill' he set a timer and came down 6 mins later a disgruntled that they weren't yet under the grill 'You said they'd be ready in 5 mins' (I'd popped out to get logs etc)

There's about 20 of these exchanges a day and I know his sisters find him infuriating with his bluntness or literalness.

Not all autistic people will be like this and maybe he'd be just as blunt if he was neurotypical but I don't think so.

@Ruralbliss my partner is autistic and doesn't get hidden meanings/reading between the lines. I have to be very blunt about things otherwise it wouldn't work. I dated another autistic person who was more blunt and I guess people would think he was rude. I find it quite refreshing!

I’m going to go against the grain. I’m not a big texter, I even find it a bit intrusive if someone expects me to reply quickly multiple times a day. I’m happy to leave a conversation hanging for 12 hours.
I do attempt to make my texts funny, interesting or enquiring and enjoy an unexpected/unsolicited picture. But it wouldn’t bother me to go a day or so with no communication.
Come to think about it a few ex’s have complained about my apparent lack of interest, maybe I need to reflect on this a bit.

It's so interesting isn't it @Wasail and @Eesha we're all different and what works for one person irks another.

Good to know what our own personal preferences are and what are non-negotiables.

It's an ongoing learning experience for me and I keep honing my list

I’ve always been in the 6ft plus camp re men but I’m finding I like being the same height as Mr GN. I think I liked to swoon at being a bit dominated by a tall guy but being submissive is sooo not me in every other respect, I think I’ve outgrown it. We feel equal (it helps he has a big tum, so I feel smaller than him in that respect) and in bed it works much better re constant kissing.

Obstinately arty in education here, you don’t have to do science to be clever or useful people!

Oh dear @Slothmomma that doesn’t sound great but at least you know now!

I find all the different views on texting interesting! Ideally I’d like some texting everyday and I’d prefer it to increase in frequency than decrease - ie once in an actual relationship I’d like a couple of texts a day ish. However saying that a) I’ve only previously been in very love bombing constant texting relationships previously and those haven’t worked out well - but they do therefore make this seem very different. Maybe it’s a problem and maybe it indicates a lack of interest - who knows at this point?? B) he says on his profile in response to the communicate with partner everyday question no so it’s not like he hasn’t ‘said’ lols. Similarly I just looked and he hasn’t been online since our text convo earlier - all I mean by that is that if he was online constantly but not chatting to me that’d be more of a bad thing than perhaps just not being a texty guy? Again, who knows!

Yeah @HairyArsedMan good advice.

Yes to taller men @Ruralbliss but that’s mainly because I’m enormous!!

Thanks @TheCatWithTheHat I am indeed the prize! Lols! I think you’re right that within a relationship I’d want a text everyday but then this isn’t (yet, maybe never will be) a relationship. That’s why it’s confusing potentially.

@Wasail I have friends who are like you - of both sexes.

I think it summary I’m happy to just see how it goes with the hope of meeting up again when he comes back to London and being upfront about a kiss. Sorry to moan, but lovely to have you guys as a sounding board. I think I date like a teenager because of the fact I didn’t date as a teenager!!

I think I date like a teenager because of the fact I didn’t date as a teenager!!

@LongtimelurkerL same 😆 I never had a date until this year at the tender age of 46!

@ThisTooShallBe another arty/lit type here but I also work with tech and science people so I straddle both. Basically when it comes to dates though I’ve traditionally attracted a low bar intellect wise so tend to fall heavily for a literate and grammatical messenger as they seem like Jonathan bloody Miller compared to the norm!

I also like tall men despite being practically a midget. But Mr Ginger is 5’10 which is actually a full 10 inches taller than me, Mr Local probably 5’9” but I rarely see him stood up /outside. I think @Eesha is right, tall men can take their pick (Mr Beard was over 6ft and ripped) even if they aren’t great facially. So far I have not deviated from my beard obsession for months though so shall be reading @TheCatWithTheHat’s post with interest! There is actually a dating app for women who like beards called Bristlr! However I also like men who look Homo Sapien so it wasn’t for me 😂

Am off to see Mr Ginger tonight as will be last chance for a while and my daughter is sulking. If it’s not his situation, it’s mine 🤷‍♀️ May be the last time for a while so I can reevaluate how I feel about him - but right now I just really want some Prosecco and sex!!!

Anyone else have teenage kids who guilt trip them like fuck for going out at night?

Strangely although I’m arts/finance, since the age of 21 I’ve only had relationships with chemists or chemical engineers. Opposites attract? Other person’s specialism creates mutual curiosity? If only we could understand attraction, it would make dating so much easier!

@ThisTooShallBe I'm exclusively dating creative types but with a strong preference for great practical skills - don't ask for much do I 😂(although I prefer to frame it as I know what I like) - just tall, gorgeous, clever, solvent, attentive, hilarious, talented and skilful!

Yes @UtterSocks my youngest gets sulky when I head out on dates especially when they're sleepovers. I think she gives three cheers when I break up with them.

It was their part of the deal though I wouldn't force them to go to their dads ever as he was being a negligent shit parent (and still an angry easily riled dickhead) if I could still have a 'social' life (read sex life).

Had an unscheduled call from MrVid who I chatted with all evening yesterday and really wasn't feeling it.

Have been in a horrible mood all day so maybe I shouldn't judge him on my current black mood.

Have matched with a new couple of fellas. Let's see how their messaging goes.

Dropping back in. Another science spod here, although half arts person by undergrad. Always impressed by the cultural nous of arty types, and as @ThisTooShallBe, complements can be a good thing?

I was wondering on where the rule about dating the thread came from. Is it lost in the myths of time? Can see why it's there but I was wondering if it had ever been broken?

The iron who I was wondering about texting at the weekend got back to me (hurrah) and we're going to touch base next week to arrange a walk in the park. Suspecting it's one of those that might not happen so we'll see. Matched with another a couple of days ago who I've just swapped numbers, will call her Ms Beer as she seems keen on the stuff. Slightly spooked by the new covid variant so these might be a slow burn. No lost irons coming out of the woodwork, oh well.

dudefromthatlondon it was before my time on here but I think two posters did get together- although I believe they are still happily an item

I’d also never dated until I did online dating. Steep learning curve. When I was a lad dating wasn’t a thing. You asked someone out, or you just did stuff together until you found yourselves snogging.Then you were courting.

Although I’m tall I don’t have my pick of online dates on that attribute. Just worked out I went on 4 unique dates this year ... must try harder next year. I won’t blame Covid-19 (I’ll save that excuse for next year )

rural I like your criteria. Might adopt them for my non-existent irons. Beginning to wonder if I was hasty in my rejection of Mr Dogs who was tall, creative, solvent, intelligent and funny. And who, when he had to pay a £100 parking ticket from our first date, decided that our car park kiss was worth every penny 😐
Didn't fancy him though. And he was an odd dresser.

What an added nightmare having to negotiate with stroppy teenagers who'd rather you didn't have a life outside of mothering them 😐

Eloquence is high on my list of attractive qualities. Grammar, spelling, a good turn of phrase gets me all excited.

So if two posters on the thread got together, and then split up, they might have to decide who gets the thread in the divorce?

I really wish the mobile app did paragraphs. I sound unhinged.

@WeWantTheFinestWines good point. Maybe there would be a pre-nuptial.

Have been in a really black mood all day.

Feeling like Cinderella here with teens glued to devices and peak eye rolling & door slamming while I do infinite shopping, cooking, cleaning. Gift wrapping. Got a bit princessy about it then realised how grateful I am and wobbled head.

Getting annoyed at how much of my brain space ghostly MrVW still takes up day and night. Had a little cry but not sure why.

Wish I could take the bits of him I liked (too many to mention) & leave the shite bits (not liking me & dire texting) and meld with the good bits of other previous irons & leave the narcissistic, insolvent, depressive, flat-earth conspiracy bits behind.

Rural's 2020 Weird Science fantasy.

Actually I think that might just be my first page in 2021 bullet journey - a strange 4-way venn diag of men I've romanced with and do that asking the universe/manifesting stuff I don't believe in for the sweet spot ideal msn in the middle. Something to do instead of seeing mates and going to the pub 😐

I guess it might derail the thread if posters started flirting with each other? Or would you just PM each other. Who would police such matters?

I don’t have a rule about who I date, arty or science doesn’t bother me. I’m just looking for someone who can hold a conversation and who I actually find attractive.

I have renewed my fab account, got myself verified and even put up a profile picture. No to dodge the loons

@Wasail i remember the couple who got together and I think are still together. There were other posters who was quite venomous I think, saying they felt the thread was more a safe place rather than having men trying to pull women via the thread. Plus I think the couple also flirted via the thread which riled some up. I just think people make connections in all sorts of places, this is just another one really so I have no issues with it. Good for them I'd say!!!

@Eesha I think live and let live.

@Ruralbliss sorry you are feeling shite about Mr VW. He doesn't sound like he gave you what you needed at all. There are much better blokes out there.

Sympathies @Ruralbliss. Unrequited feelings are one of the shittiest bits of OLD.

My relationship history has been med student/junior Dr, engineer in the army, engineer in the army, meant to be in pr but goodness knows, petrol engineer in the army. It's no surprised that I'm banned from dating in the army or at least engineers in the army.

I think my initial attraction to them was a man in uniform who would let me retain my independence. When in reality I found as they took orders all day they didn't do much thinking for themselves which included deciding on dates etc.

Thanks guys.

You are of course right and turns out you my good luck fairies as the universe just sent me a tall, quick texting, musician Italian tactile chatty eloquent builder who totally thinks I'm the prize. Wasn't phased by us being miles from one another - Tinder is being a tease on this front at the moment.

He immediately phoned me and we've had a lovely funny long chat & excited to meet one another at a service station on Saturday/Sunday!

Nice one universe 👍