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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 197 - Dating into 2021 and beyond

999 replies

Dancerinthemoonlight · 12/12/2020 14:12

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Thread gallery
21
crackofdoom · 22/12/2020 23:07

Agree, science pHd? That is awesome!

LongtimelurkerL · 22/12/2020 23:07

Thanks @Bunkbedpeople! I genuinely feel like this is half of my issue. Without sounding like a dick I used to model, I am top of my (also science) career and have single handled raised an awesome DD so far. I’m therefore looking for someone similar but they just don’t want me because I’ve got ‘baggage’ - I 100% think that’s it. I’m young and so the getting more and more limited ‘good guys’ still have women with no baggage as options. I genuinely didn’t imagine it’d be this hard for me to meet someone who wanted the traditional long term relationship and babies thing when I left my abuser at 29.... here I am at 32 with no one giving a s**t

WeWantTheFinestWines · 22/12/2020 23:26

I'm not a particularly high achiever but have a couple of degrees and have been told by men to 'stop being clever'...! And despite being the bread winner in my LTR, I also ended up doing most of the domestic shit because exDP's doomed attempts at getting a business off the ground were somehow more important than my actual job that paid the bills. And that was all about his hurt pride.

I don't know why shit-hot, super clever science women aren't the most in-demand daters out there. Sometimes I wonder if men just want a little lady around the house who'll look at them adoringly and tell them how clever they are. And if that's why we're all still single.

I want to date the thread! 🤣

crackofdoom · 22/12/2020 23:30

WeWantTheFinestWines yes, yes, yes. Same here- couple of degrees- and yes, have been the recipient of loads of shit from men because of it- getting nasty, intellectual one upmanship, etc.

crackofdoom · 22/12/2020 23:34

I am still pondering the scarily large amount of women on this thread who have had past abusive relationships. Is there a connection between this and finding it difficult to form a new relationship? Scrutinising my own behaviour, I really don't think I've been pushing men away. Perhaps unconsciously?

Ruralbliss · 22/12/2020 23:50

@WeWantTheFinestWines oh blimey you are with your XH for a while then if he 'can't' work for someone else & on UC

Are you planning on selling the house and halving the proceeds so you can each move on?

@Bunkbedpeople I saw Last Christmas by myself last year in the cinema while kids did Star Wars. I came out declaring it was my best film ever. I am a big lover of schmaltzy sadness.

Everyone is giving you congrats on the (possible?) doctorate but I'm sorry I've missed the message where this was mentioned.
I'd like to add mine too. Well done in advance.

I'm also embarking on a STEM MSc of my employer can get their act together and find the funding they keep promising.

I've had a 3 hour fun conversation with a new iron MrVid I think I said I'd name him. Very actively keen on meeting me & acting like I'm the prize. We have a date lined up for the weekend when my kids are at their dad's house.

I feel shallow and awful even saying this but it's a safe space....(or at least I assume it I'd he better not be reading this thread 😳)

My girlfriends always give me a hard time as I'm vocal about how much I find a tall man attractive. My last two romances were with 6'4 guys and my first two proper boyfriends when I was young also this height.

Mr Vid bless him at the end of the convo revealed he is my height. I am not tall.

Feel awful to say this but when I had date with MrStone last week I summarised to my mate 'If nothing else it crystallised the knowledge that definitely do not fancy shorter guys...:'

Of course I'm going to go on the date.
I'm annoyed with myself more than anything right now.

We seek to have a load in common. And he asked loads of Qs and made my belly ache with laughter 😊

Ruralbliss · 23/12/2020 00:04

Forgot to say @crackofdoom that made me laugh out loud your admonishing your iron with his 5G wangings with instant vaginal dryness!

Hope he shut up pretty quickly.

Bunkbedpeople · 23/12/2020 00:09

Thanks for all the science love everyone! SmileFlowers I might randomly mention an equation one post and I reckon I’d get a bit of recognition Grin

cravingthelook · 23/12/2020 01:04

I'm in awe at the number of smart women in STEM on this thread! Maybe we are intimating the men folk.
My exH lost interest in me once I said no more babies and no I'm not planning to work part time. To 'outsiders' he'd brag about his great wife, at home he'd nag because the house wasn't sparkling (was when I hired a cleaner but she left due to health reasons). So he used to complain he did it ALL (FYI he had IT career too and there was lots of competition)

Funny my house is spotless and the old family home he kept is filthy.

I've been on quite the journey from Pharma, to clinical, to implantable Medical Devices and now I'm in contract electronics (medical device sector) (I wonder if this outs me 🤪 - oh well)

Mayzee · 23/12/2020 03:59

Loving all the Sciencey ladies on the thread. My degree is in Science but I work more in a legal public sector area now. I’m also career driven and want to achieve at least one more big promotion before I retire. So any man needs to be comfortable with my ambition and the fact that I work hard, raise 3 children, have family and friends and a life outside of them.

Heartbeats0708 · 23/12/2020 06:48

Lots of clever ladies on here, I'm shocked by those of you who have encountered men that haven't been simply impressed?! I am DrHeartbeats and never had anything other than 'Wow!'. I am a very picky swiper though.
Also laughing at @crackofdoom and the 5g quip!

Wasail · 23/12/2020 07:47

Another STEM geek here 🙋🏼‍♀️. I was coming on to complain that a few conversations with irons have ended once I give my job title.

Jonsnowsghost · 23/12/2020 08:02

Popping up from lurking to say I'm also in STEM :) my job is pretty niche so normally men are impressed by it...or a bit like, that's a thing?!
Still with Mr Chaos, I'm glad I didn't dump him after the low communication weekend! We spoke about it and he was really understanding. It's just the way he is, he doesn't really like using his phone and I've adapted to that now so we're on the same page. Having a pretty good time with him :)

@LongtimelurkerL I'm also 32 and when I turned 32 in Jan this year I was pretty sure I'd be single forever. I don't want to be one of those "it'll happen!" People but don't write yourself off yet :)

Have a good Christmas everyone!

Ruralbliss · 23/12/2020 08:29

How funny so many STEM folks here.

I have on my list of must haves a vague sounding "Gets me & my job/role"

Only my XH out of all of them has ever ticked this box the rest have been uninterested

My dream is to be with someone who I can bounce ideas off when out of work as sometimes tasked with juicy challenges which need to be looked at from angles I haven't thought of. and wouldn't without someone else thinking of it.

On an unrelated (well partially) I thought of another 'not interested in me indicator' I ignored in the past but will definitely not be again...

Several irons (four) since XH came to my house - some loads, some just a few times.

None of them looked at photos on my fridge or in frames along a kitchen windowsill and asked who the people were.

For me this will be a test for future irons.
Be interested in me and who my tribe members are or jog on baby

Hope you are all well. Off to wave at my mum through a window and deliver gifts, food & a mini Christmas tree to her too before seeing if Aldi have any nibbles and tonic water left.

Dancerinthemoonlight · 23/12/2020 08:45

I'm in awe of the multi degree super smart women on this thread. I want to be like you all when I grow up.
I have a degree in the arts but have never been super academically minded. I'm much more of a kinesthetic person. I excel at practical, arty and organisational topics. I know I am amazing at what I do and I love who I have developed into with the thanks to this thread of making me realize that I am worth more and that I am amazing in my own way.

OP posts:
LongtimelurkerL · 23/12/2020 11:26

Ok so I’m ready for everyone to shout at me now - I think I was a bit hasty and my message last night was a bit weird (I think being on my own with DD and no adult company really apart from on walks outside in the rain with friends) got to me. So I sent a ‘sorry for being weird’ message and again he’s replied instantly and we’ve had a bit of back and forth. I’m not sure what to do now as I do feel like the whole covid situation and now schools etc means everyone has sort of covid fatigue so whilst the lack of comms would usually be a bad sign I’m not so sure at this time. Also spoken to two male friends about it and they think he’s being pretty normal and doesn’t ‘owe’ me daily texts after 3 dates which I agree with

Eesha · 23/12/2020 11:55

@LongtimelurkerL no shouting here! Just take things slowly and if you see signs you aren't happy with, then act on them. But I agree, it's a weird time. From my experience, people text when they want to/feel like there is something to say but if they aren't in much contact, they might just not be texty people. I'm someone who needs/likes regular contact but it's been 6 months for me now and it's become much more regular only now!

Mayzee · 23/12/2020 12:26

@LongtimelurkerL no shouting here either. I’ve been there. If you can deal with the fact that he might not be texting you every day but seems responsive when you message him then that’s fine. It’s only when you are getting anxious about what lack of comms means or staring at his WhatsApp profile seeing if he’s online (yep I’ve done this Blush) and it’s driving you mad, then it’s time to take stock.
Just go with it over this shitty Christmas lockdown weird period and what it looks like when we are all out the other side. That’s my planSmile

LongtimelurkerL · 23/12/2020 12:34

Thanks @Eesha and @Mayzeehd replied instantly and we text back and forth with questions from both sides for 30 mins. I’ll now leave it until Xmas day unless he texts me

Slothmomma · 23/12/2020 13:11

I think 2 relationships in 4 years is pretty good going. I enjoy been single nearly 4 years and have none to speak of 🤣

Yesterday's date was a bust. Lovely guy, attractive, has shit in order however he was really feminine sounding - I just wouldn't be able to fancy him 🤦‍♀️

HairyArsedMan · 23/12/2020 13:58

coughs politely also a scientist but not one of those knob ends you all are referencing (I hope...)

And to prove it I will post this for the beard lovers ...

www.wired.com/story/facial-hair-is-biologically-useless-so-why-do-humans-have-it/

... in lieu of no dating activity whatsoever.

@LongtimelurkerL Just keep chatting with him - no need to leave it. You should want to talk to him because it's interesting and fun, not because it signifies him giving you attention. Share stuff you're interested in. Say why you like it. Ask him stuff. Call back to stuff you talked about on dates. Read around stuff you both were keen on - pass it on. See how things go down in response to that, then you'll have a better idea of whether he's interesting and interested.

Ruralbliss · 23/12/2020 15:37

I'm like @Eesha and personally really love an all day stream of consciousness textathon running with a special someone

I've had this with all of my romances apart from the last one and loved the feeling of being telepathic and getting loads of music and funny things sent.

On the other hand it has made the breakups extra hard though as the phone is suddenly silent and no one to share the mundane minutiae with.

The last iron was not a big texter. In hindsight this turned out to be one of the early indications that I was never more than a FB/FWB to him but I liked trialling the model of not having a running correspondence.

It was enlightening as less distracted throughout the working day and at home but also less secret smiles.
It was the sliding of the bare minimum 'morning' & 'hows your day going?' texts which have me the first clue his interest was waning then they stopped altogether.

I initially did what you did @LongtimelurkerL & sent a test text and got a response back pretty swiftly & a few more days passed with us in contact but eventually the comms stopped completely. It did help with moving on though the texts weren't absent as never really there as much as I wished they were.

For me it's on my must haves to 'give good text' which for me means plentiful and high in quality content. And witty.

A two day lag is not for me. Maybe after we've been an item for ages but not in the early wooing days.

There's always something going on in the world to comment on, and decades of personal history to share, new music etc to pass on.

I quite like the fact that I'm conducting a prolonged personal social science experiment through dating by testing these preferences. I now bin people off of their texting style doesn't match mine.

Next to test is my stated must-have of 'Over 6ft - I only fancy tall blokes so sue me' with my offer of a walking date with brand new iron who is same height as me. He's funny, clever, chatty and lots of other nice things so happy to go and see what we make of each other in person.

Eesha · 23/12/2020 15:44

@Ruralbliss i have dated very tall (6ft 6) and shorter, so 5ft 8 or so. I really think it's all about the person if you have great chemistry. I think tall men do get their pick too even if they aren't that hot facially! That always seems a bit unfair to me. Enjoy your date, he seems fun.

Ruralbliss · 23/12/2020 15:44

Slightly related to my text essay - I've decided not to message blokes who make the match (Tinder) and don't get in touch.

It's always ended up like pulling teeth/getting blood out of a stone.

If they aren't excited enough when they strike the match with me to send a nice message then I'm no longer going to nudge them into comms.

Bye lads. All the best with your searches. 👋

Ruralbliss · 23/12/2020 16:05

Yes @Eesha I know but as my 6'4" lockdown #1 lover put it "I have big hands and you have big boobs so...."

I'm not a skinny girl and feel more dainty with a taller guy. Feel a bit dumpy with a smaller one.

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