Dating Thread 197 - Dating into 2021 and beyond

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@LongtimelurkerL

Definitely think putting your emotional well-being first at this stage of the year/everything going on is a good strong move - if it’s not making you happy and making you anxious there isn’t much point.

I actually don’t think the dating pattern you’ve described is that strange or unusual so I wouldn’t get caught up in seeing yourself as unsuccessful

I’d actually say having two six month relationships is at the more relationshippy end of the spectrum?

With dating apps, it’s so much more the norm now for people to have one or two bigger things and a collection of shorter interactions.

Plus your mental well-being and whether or not something makes you happy is more important than dating someone for a longer period of time.

Oh of course @Bunkbedpeople but I’m struggling still to work out how many people I see leave marriages and then get remarried within months/a year. I can’t get a man to stick about for more than a few months. I don’t understand

@LongtimelurkerL aww never give up, ever, on achieving your goal. Just take a break then crack on. Half-hearted guys on OLD aren’t worth the bother so I think you’ve done the right thing in deleting.

I’m really hoping to get a zombie message from Mr Cat, who I dated in 2018. The last time we messaged, he told me he had terminal cancer. I consoled etc. But now I just can’t bring myself to send a Christmas ‘are you still with us?’ message, in case he doesn’t reply 😢

Mr GN is spending Christmas with family up north and I suspect we won’t see each other again for weeks and weeks. This makes me sad but in these strange times we all have to play the long game, don’t we? I think he’s worth it. I spent the evening with my bonkers XH the other day and I left feeling so grateful I’ve met someone who is calm and kind and thinks I’m amazing. OLD (ha ha Fab) can work people! 😊

Phew I'm glad it's not just me over thinking the whole thing. Ive asked, no response yet...... despite being seen, so I'm not feeling hopeful. I already asked today if things were ok between us and he reassured me they are. Not going to lie I'm pretty gutted. 5 years of dating on and off and he's been the only decent guy so far

Cross posted there, sounds like I’m rubbing salt, sorry @LongtimelurkerL. If it’s any comfort, I was 4 years single. It’s a numbers game, random etc etc. Don’t give up

Bunkbedpeople I'm very much admiring where your head's at right now, appreciating your two beaus while not getting over invested in either.

Interested to hear that other people think the apps have dropped off recently- Bumble's as flat as a pancake right now. Think I might have to delete my profile and try again with a new one- or give Hinge a go.

There's still Mr Double Decker, who I've just spent 24 hours with. He's still great in some ways, annoying in others. (sample quote of the weekend from me: "When you start banging on about 5G like that, it makes my vagina dry right up, you know!" ). But he is unfailingly kind and generous and an animal in bed, and has bought me a very impressive looking sex toy for Christmas, even though I haven't got him anything apart from a little home made wreath(waiting for the right gift to come along ).

But would I be into him if there were other prospects on the horizon, that's the question....?

@LongtimelurkerL sorry you’re feeling stressed about it all tonight. You so deserve the best after surviving an abusive marriage. If this one wasn’t good for you then ending it now is the right thing.
If the men don’t stick around it’s their loss because you come across as a lovely genuine person on here. Give yourself time over this shitty weird Christmas to lick your wounds and regroup.
But just keep telling yourself it’s not you.

Yeh @crackofdoom I’m not really wired up to be a “head over heels” woman - the option has been there to nestle up with either and have a intense little winter nesting session

(Think I could write the next bestselling novel from MrC’s amazing little home office, not sure I’d really want MrMilitary having base camp at mine but he’d be up for it )

but with illness and knowing I have work to do and they have their stuff to do it’s a bit “too much too soon”.

But I feel real strong emotions for both of them and more authentic than just opting out of dating, so I’ll see what pans out and take one week at a time?

I actually was on AIBU on a dating thread where the OP was worrying after a few dates whether or not she “should” finish with the guy she was seeing as she had got work abroad.

and someone (younger than me) posted that “it’s more the norm to just communicate honestly about what you’re doing and don’t overthink , people move round for work, don’t make a big deal of it”

So both of the guys are getting on with their lives/careers and hopefully enjoying dating me

, and it’s so much better taking things at face value rather than seeing myself as some Thomas Hardy doomed heroine who has to Make The Right Choice.

@LongtimelurkerL sorry you're feeling down about this. It's been a rubbish time for dating this year, and you're not the only one feeling down about being single despite looking. 2021 isn't far away, and it's got to be better than this one!

Having 2 x 6 month relationships is not bad going either!

Maybe those people who get married within 6-12 months are settling for the first people they find. You obviously have strong boundaries, and show that you aren't settling for guys who aren't the best for you. And 32 is young! You have so much time to find someone. When I feel the same way, I imagine my perfect woman having exactly the same thoughts, and knowing that some day - maybe tomorrow, maybe next year - we'll finally meet, and when we do, all this effort and anguish will be worthwhile, and we'll value them so much more because we've worked so hard to get there.

@crackofdoom thanks for your fab tips too! I'll keep everyone posted with my progress!

I've got a few chats going on the dating apps - but it's pretty much all about Tiers, bubbles and covid test results. It's not even worth contemplating talking about meeting up before Boris gives us the nod to leave the house again.

It's all rather doom and gloom really

So what is everyone most looking forward to over Christmas? One of mine is being able to buy brandy cream in the supermarkets - I'll never understand why they don't sell it all year round, it's lovely!

@TheCatWithTheHat

Watching Last Christmas, run if I’m feeling better might be nice. Either way a walk would help my MH.

No children. Flatmate is cooking me a vegetarian fry-up and got a Black Forest Swiss roll thing.

I actually don’t like traditional “Xmas food” much apart from the roast and I went veggie this year so a nut roast doesn’t have quite the same appeal

bunkbed sorry if you've already said this before, but do Mr C and Mr Military both know that you're also seeing someone else?

2 x 6 months is not that unusual I'd say - I've done 1 x 3 months and 1 x 11 months in almost 2 years of OLD. But was single for 2 years before I started dating again. I'm also 54 so definitely feel like my chances of meeting a good 'un who won't dump me are pretty slim.

And what I love at Christmas is Baileys! Only time I have it. Love it.

@LongtimelurkerL What does him being into you look like to you ?

Mmm yes, Baileys and fino Sherry. Not mixed 🤢

@WeWantTheFinestWines

MrC has loosely mentioned he isn’t expecting it at this stage - with his work schedule (just three weeks at home I think?!!) he seems aware that it would be a bit premature to try to emotionally pin anything down?

So he’s been great with me and very affectionate but also been doing lots of stuff by himself. He’s very attentive but not lovelorn if that makes sense?

MrMilitary and I haven’t been in touch much beyond sporadic contact this year.

So it’s “don’t ask don’t tell” really - I think as both of them have fairly transient jobs and we haven’t spent masses of face time together it’s still “all balls in the air” right now?

MrC could be away for another three months and MrMilitary for eight and I’m moving city when I start a postgrad to become DrBunkbed.

A year ago I’d have made a big thing about exclusivity (and tied myself in mother induced guilty slut shaming knots) but actually I think everyone seems to be happy, both of them are dating an attractive low maintenance woman in lockdown....

also as I craved what I thought of as True Love I’d think I needed to force the monogamy early on to enable this.

Thanks everyone, thanks @Mayzee for your very kind words.
I was expecting more texts given he’s a home rather than at work but seems to be less. So I’m confused as I’d imagine he’d have more time not less at the moment. I’ve deleted the chat but readded his number. I’m not going to message again. If he wants to contact me he can. Someone into me would want to talk to me everyday basically - not like all day or anything but some sort of question about how I was doing or sharing of some photo or something.

He’s now not been online since his last reply so who knows what’s going on??? Any ideas anyone!

Yuck baileys - gross. Smoked salmon and pickled onions here!!! Wish I could eat them all day everyday although guess they wouldn’t be so great then.

Awesome @Bunkbedpeople congrats of phd - ness

I turn off "last seen" on WA, it just makes me anxious to see when they've been on. Better not to know and just take it at face value they've not been in touch.

Means they can't see yours either.

Everyone's a winner bunkbed! You're doing a great job of keeping the balls in the air 😁

And congratulations on embarking on a doctorate - brains and gorgeousness!

@LongtimelurkerL

Thanks Im actually still in the midst of preparing applications for next year so hoping that goes well - I think that’s why I’m also happy taking things at face value - I might get a funded place in the bog end of nowhere or meet loads of great dashing men on the course (I’m maths/IT/STEM so very male dominated)

So I kind of appreciate that MrC is focussing on making money to invest and to get off offshore work and MrMilitary is also progressing his career and we’re all “moving forwards in our own way”.

@LongtimelurkerL step away from the WhatsApp online status It's so bad for anxiety! He may be ignoring you, he may be busy, or asleep. Worrying about it isn't going to help you at all though, and will only make you feel bad.

I'm awful with that - I have been guilty of staring at someone's chat to see if they come online or not, working myself up into a right mess. It doesn't do you any good at all though.

WhatsApp online status must be in the top 5 of worst things for mental health while dating!

@LongtimelurkerL I wanted to echo what others have said, 2 x 6month relationships isn't bad at all! I'm 3 years out of an abusive relationship, but had 1 FWB for year and have now been seeing Mr Yoga for 6 months. He has been the only viable option and I really value that he is different to anyone I've ever met (in a good way). That said, i really believe I'm in a better place mentally to be able to offer someone something good/baggage free than if I'd met someone so quickly. My ex as well as best friend both met people within days/weeks of splitting and it's just been a mess all round and they still seem unhappy in themselves. There will be exceptions but I don't think you should slate your relationship history at all. You have great boundaries and are learning what you deserve/want from someone and this will happen.

@TheCatWithTheHat I can imagine all chats must be covid related and dull because nothing can be planned. But hopefully things will ease off in the next few weeks and 2021 will be a good one. I already know of people who have had the vaccine too so I sortof feel we are on the home strait now.

I'm just looking forward to seeing my kids' faces light up at Xmas plus have lovely indulgent food. However I have forgotten two items for the stockings so I'm panicking!

Nothing much to report here. Doubt I'll see Mr Yoga this side of the new year but looks like his parents might have the vaccine soon so we can then see each other more. I think I've forgotten what normal dating ever was!

Wow @LongtimelurkerL that is a strong move 👊
I should have done something similar after first sleepover with my last iron when it was so clear he was not into me as a person.

Think of it this way you've wasted no time on someone who for whatever reason doesn't see you as the prize, have learned oodles more about what good looks like to you and what bad looks like too.

Way better to be on your own than in a shitty relationship

My XH has never been single from the age of 13 has gone from one relationship to the next with very little between times. What does that say about the level of discerning and filtering he's doing?

You will more likely find a wonderful person who is crazy about you if you keep at OLD but do what you did today by having high standards and binning off anyone who isn't meeting them or just not right for you early.

I'm mega impressed by your deleting MrLongWalkers number.
Did you tell him you were letting him slide? And if so did you give a reason?
Blocked number?

You totally rock.
Keep going don't let this recent experience get you down. Try to remember it's all a rich learning experience and you are only in need of one guy who is a good match & thinks you are fab.

Ok to feel bummed fit a bit though. Especially during pandemic.

We should all get t-shorts printed up 'I survived OLD in a pandemic'

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Thanks - lot of balls right now! Just focussing on becoming an awesome scientist.

having got my second chance at education as a mature student I really want to smash it now.

Its really brought home to me a lot of sexism though - I’ve had some great cheerleaders of either sex, but also a lot of guys are like “ok as long as your job isn’t eventually cooler than mine”.

I mean no-one likes a work bore, but also so many guys seem to think they’re the centre of attention and their needs are top as they have the big earning job (for now)

(I did the same subject as MrMilitary and got a classification higher so no I’m not doing mental load stuff as my brain clearly is better at science than his)

@Bunkbedpeople I just saw your 'simultaneously cocky and emotionally vulnerable' that is Mr Swan in a nutshell.
He's quiet just now, probably because I'm not prodding him, I'm not doing it on purpose, friendship should be mutually active.

Oh and @Bunkbedpeople smart career driven women fucking rock (I know I'm one of them) and they are sexy AF and any man intimidated by that can get to in my book (and yes I've met a few). So I just fell for you a touch more 😂😂😂

I swear I'd date half of this thread if I could 😝