Dating Thread 197 - Dating into 2021 and beyond

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Hi Guys, hope everyone is doing well. 👋

I'm still here but haven't done any OLD recently, deliberately trying to have a break to reasses what I want. Plus I need to get some better boundaries begire heading back into it.

@Lulu44 that is very odd behaviour, don't mean to worry you but it sounds like he's hiding something. Has he definitely not come off Facebook? Could thst be why?

@Bunkbedpeople seamen overload

Sounds to me that there are no big decisions to make on your part just to keep rolling with it, gathering the data, assessing the feels and whether there is mutual everything?

@Mayzee a houseplant? Can never have too many and it's a gift which will make him think of you when he sees it.

Need to catch up with the thread properly but gift wrapping first

@LongtimelurkerL I don't think there's any excuse for a two day gap in comms unless they've gone off you. Sorry to be the voice of doom and experience here.

How does the idiom go 'If they've got time to do a poo they've got time to text'
He isn't prioritising you.

I just read back over our Level Dean thread which charts the progress of my most recent dalliance. He was never into me and the lack of text comms backed that up then eventually they stopped.

Sorry again. It's horrible being rejected.
Hopefully I'll be proved wrong.

@WeWantTheFinestWines I don't think I'd twigged that you are co-ha opting with your ex. Goodness that's a special kind of penance I don't envy you one bit.
Why the hell won't he move out? Finances presumably.

You're going to need a lot of chocolate and booze I think.

@Ruralbliss you may well be right. I don’t like people who just vanish, if you’ve changed your mind. That’s a’ok but do tell me.... it’s only one day atm tbh and he’s clearly not texting a load of other women since he still hasn’t been online since early this morning but yeah. He has a poorly relative so who knows. I’m usually relatively cool about this sort of thing but I’m also an honest open person so would rather just be told either way so I can move on: my male friend tells me I’m panicking over nothing and one day is nothing. I love how everyone has such varying views!!

@Lulu44

hello there!

yes I agree just drop him a casual message and be direct - sort of clear but not accusatory?

I agree with WeWant something like “hey X, I’ve noticed you’ve unfriended me on Facebook - why is that ?” would be fine. Don’t make it ambiguous, just ask the question.

It might feel a bit uncomfortable but you’re dating, you’re invested, you want an answer or some information.

It might all be innocent but I think his response will give you more info to go on, and then you’ll know how to proceed yourself or if you want to detach

Also welcome more thoughts - this thread is amazing and like crowdsourcing

A new match has come in unprompted on second message with 'my marriage to my kids' mum broke down due to my having an affair...'

I didn't even ask him any more than where he lived & what his festive season plans were.

I really should step away from the apps.
I told me OLD newbie mate to carry on abstaining until the vaccine rolled out and pandemic over as clearly only the die-hards (us lot) and the weird desperate trying to find their one in such times.

Got a transparently lovebomby text from the guy I spent 1.5 'conversation' last night where all I said was 'Mmmm. Really?' (As an aside if I find myself swiping v on the apps during a first phone chat then it probably indicates not a great match for me) - despite knowing literally nothing about me (he interpreted my answer to "soooooo tell me about you" approx 3 secs in) his text is saccharine sweet gushy about how amazing I am being a single mum and holding it all together yet still getting out there. Buff respect. Tried to make me believe we had so much in common (errr nope. Nothing in common bar once went somewhere and have a kid similar age)

What a schmoozy creep. If I was vulnerable or new to OLD I'd be putty in his hands.

Bye 👋 mate. Take care. Best of luck etc.

@Ruralbliss raising the tone there love it

Yea that kind of sums things up - I “could” push through and have something rushed but right now there’s not really been enough face time with anyone to decide anything.

So just keep connected, enjoy my pressies (yes I’m milking my illness and getting nothing for anyone ) and see how it feels after this festive/pressurised/weird lockdowny period.

Quite fancy watching Last Christmas on Xmas day though it makes me cry just reading the synopsis

The trick @LongtimelurkerL is to not give a monkeys and crack on with being you. This is why the theory of chatting and dating others comes in as barely notice if the guy you've met fails to stay in touch (I can testify as MrStone breadcrumbing one boring text per day, no Qs but I do not give a shit. He's one of billions of blokes. Didn't hang any hopes on to him).

Try not to phone watch. Make some new matches and start new chats? Easier said then done when only the dregs attempting to do OLD in a festive pandemic

My heart goes out to you. I was always phone watching for my last irons texts but my gut knew the truth from the very first messages.

He still loved his horrible yet gorgeous narcissistic ex and I was no one to him.

@LongtimelurkerL are you still on the apps? This one seems a slow burner and although full lockdown dating is crazy he doesn’t seem to be reassuring you much - might be worth having a few side options?

@Ruralbliss you make me smile.

I have chats, one quite relaxed one. Seems different, not naming him, not investing, but he's gently driving the conversation, not too much but nice wee check ins. Real normal chat about food and cooking and work and music. We'll see.
I might name him later in the week.

@Bunkbedpeople and @Ruralbliss I’m trying but as you say apart from the crazy people there’s nothing else out there. A long term chatter who clearly wants a pen pal and I’ve never met but have had regular mini chats with over about 2 years has just popped up again. So think I’ll send Mr Long Walks a message but also try to spend the evening messaging the moron pen pal guy just for a distraction. I’m on all the apps but there’s just nothing atm

Maybe it’s different for the men and Mr Long walks is just overwhelmed by all the women

Talking of zombieng ( or haunting even 🤔) if anyone remembers my debacle with Mr Straight last year ( and this year). The EU breadcrumber who left me an anxious wreck...he reappeared this week. It was on a new form of communication he's never been on previously.

@Mayzee that's always a tough one - it's hard enough when you know someone well! Does he drink? If so, a nice bottle of something will always go down well. What do you know about him that might give you a hint? As Ruralbliss says a plant (maybe a cactus or succulent, e.g., a Money Plant) is a great present, but some guys aren't into plants. Or how about a Letterbox gift set? Little boxes that fit through a letter box with various contents.

@LongtimelurkerL In normal times, I'd say that a couple of days is showing signs he's not that interested, but at the moment a lot of people seem to be in a holding pattern and I don't think the normal rules apply. I still speak to Miss Walker after our two walk+coffee dates many weeks ago, and we're patiently waiting for an actual date involving alcohol and toilets once this lockdown stuff is over. I am keen to meet, but it's hard to keep the conversation going every day, so some days we don't speak for 2/3 days.

@Lulu44 that does seem odd. The only reason to delete someone from FB is to prevent them from seeing something, or prevent other people from seeing that you're friends with him. I can't think of any good reason for either of those. And from an outside view, if you say that he's also not as chatty as before then that would start ringing alarm bells for me.

I've noticed a change in people the last week or two. I was having a good run of lots of matches, chats and dates, however most people I've been speaking to are either stuck in Tier 3 or 4 now, or self-isolating to make sure they can safely meet family for Christmas.

All this Tier 4 stuff seems to have knocked any enthusiasm for dating into next year.

@TheCatWithTheHat feels like what’s happening with Mr LongWalks. I’ve texted a random hema bead thing and asked him to guess what it is. He’ll either reply or he won’t I guess

So Mr LongWalks has responded in less than ten mins and started a new convo. Is that good? Is he bored?? Wtaf

Yes rural he's on UC due to being unable to work for anyone but himself, and working for himself isn't working for him either... but we co-own the house he built for us. All very tricky and makes dating extra challenging as I never have time without DC in the house.

But as everyone's pointing out, the dating scene is grim atm anyway, so wine and chocolate it is.

Love your scrolling while being lovebombed 🤣🤣

Hi Everyone just catching up on the thread

@LongtimelurkerL I understand how you feel and it is very frustrating. I would have said leave it till tomorrow then message but is seems like you have already sent him a message. Is it unusual that he goes a day without getting in touch or is it new ? Try not to overthink it he could be just busy .

@Ruralbliss your posts are busting with dating wisdom , I am enjoying reading them thank you 

I will be spending Christmas alone as dc is going to dad for a few days on Christmas Day afternoon. I am not buying MrRR anything for Christmas as it's early days and I doubt he's getting me anything either .

@lovellost unusual but he’s replied instantly (which is normal) so who knows

@Lulu44 like others have said , it's definitely strange that he's unfriended you . He probably has something to hide or he is building up to dumping or ghosting you .

[quote LongtimelurkerL]@lovellost unusual but he’s replied instantly (which is normal) so who knows[/quote]
That's a good sign . He may have been busy or was just waiting for you to get in touch first

*I've decided to finally give fab a go, having set up an account ages ago but have never done anything with it.

I know a few people here use it - are there any tips for a first timer? E.g., what kind of photos do you expect a guy to have, and I'm guessing women get approached a lot, so is there anything that stands out to get your attention?*

I think sortingitout has answered most of your queries admirably, but here's my take on it: From an intelligent, discerning woman's point of view there are FUCKING HUNDREDS of men on Fab who are potentially interested in you, and I get dozens of messages, yet delete 90% of them immediately.

Immediate deletion triggers: Three word messages, poor grammar/ spelling, no profile photo (it doesn't need to be your face -and preferably not your cock- but it needs to be something), "cannot accommodate". Not only do these last two scream "married", I'm also sick of spending ages cleaning my house to be able to host.

Things that pique my interest: flirtatious but not overly sexual (at least at first), witty and interesting messages, black and white photos (cos they're well classy innit ), a profile that shows you're intelligent, witty and interesting. From my conversations with Fabbers I know that there are some women who literally want someone to turn up, fuck them and go, but me I prefer some interesting conversation and good company for the evening, and for the gentleman to stay the night, so he has to have a decent personality.

A first message with a face pic attached is always good. Getting a verification is good, too- wonder if it would be ethical for one of us to give you an "I know this person of old, so can at least confirm he doesn't seem to be an axe murderer" kind of veri?

I've just deleted Mr LongWalkers number - he's clearly not into me and the whole thing is making me anxious. Pretty sure i'm going to be single forever, which at 32 is incredibly depressing -since I left my domestically abusive husband 4 years ago i've managed two 6 months relationships. That's it. I give up.