Dating Thread 197 - Dating into 2021 and beyond

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@UtterSocks that's pretty poor of Mr Local really. Two messages in a week? I guess at least he isn't pretending to be someone he isn't though. I totally get that it's useful to have other options so I probably wouldn't bin him off just yet, just see him for what he is really, a stopgap!

I read the gift thread and thought the same as you, surprised that people who suggest leaving because they bought the wrong type of chocolate?! Though this is mumsnet so LTB is the default advice.
I guess those couples already have lost interest in each other so that was the icing on the cake. Sometimes I'm grateful for being able to make a fresh start rather than be bogged down with the derision that those couples seem to have for each other.

Christmas for me will still be with my family as they are my support bubble. I doubt I'll be seeing Mr Yoga till post NY due to current restrictions which is a shame as I wanted to experience the whole Xmas walks/romantic NYE for once. Presentwise, he knows the card is very key to me so has got me two which I'm thrilled about. I'm really not fussed about presents really as long as the card is thoughtful.

@Bunkbedpeople hope you are feeling ok

Sorry to hear @Bunkbedpeople

Blimey @Ruralbliss wth!! I never understand that sort of thing - very very weird indeed!

Ah that sucks @Eesha but the cards sound lovely and very romantic

@SortingItOut and @Heartbeats0708 thanks so much for the advice! I've updated my profile, and have posted on the forum to see if anyone there will give me any feedback.

It's certainly a different world from Bumble! But will be interesting to see how I get on. I've just added a couple of photos - a normal 3/4 length shot including my face, and one that's a bit more edgy but leaving something for the imagination.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that all the 99 year olds manage to enjoy themselves too!

I'll have to check out the gift thread. I've had a few not so great gifts in the past, and a couple of disastrous birthdays that ended up being a bone of contention for years to come. I'd never break up with someone over a bad gift, but it has made me question whether that person was right for me, and whether they really knew me.

I also cringe at some of the gifts I bought my parents when I was a child - an electric carving knife, and a chip slicer gadget anyone? Very glad I managed to learn some gift-giving skills before I started dating!!

As for Christmas, for me I'll be spending the day with my mum and sister. It's strange to not be able to see any friends over this period though. I feel like all the excitement has been knocked out of me though, and I'm just drifting along waiting for things to improve. Still - it's going to be better than last year, when I was anxiously staring at my phone waiting for Miss C to get in touch, and analysing every word she said. I think I've finally got to the point where I'm happy single - life is much less complicated and stressful.

@Ruralbliss yuk - I swear us guys need to have "dating education" classes as well as sex education at school.

@Eesha that sucks that you can't have your romantic Christmas/NYE walks with Mr Yoga, but the cards sound lovely.

That reminds me of Christmas growing up - the most important present to me is an orange in my stocking. It's just not Christmas without that. Forget the expensive stuff, just get me an orange and I'm happy.

I'd count myself lucky if a man got me a card let alone a gift at Christmas or valentine's or my birthday. That's more of a reflection on the relationships I have had.

First long term relationship he was always in Switzerland for Xmas, his dad passed away on valentine's Day so we didn't celebrate it.

Last 2 Christmas's I have been in relationships and bought them very thoughtful presents and cards but got nothing (not even a card) in return.

Valentine's Day last year I received things from a quick dash round tk maxx with the prices still on. Including chocolate I couldn't eat and he knew I couldn't just didn't think.

I think anything would be an improvement

My ex husband treated me like shit all year round but got me some fabulous Christmas and birthday presents so he looked good in front of the kids and family. Mind you he didn’t pay for anything else throughout the year. Presents are a nice icing on the cake. They don’t mean anything though if everything else is wrong.

Mr Ginger has told me he got me a present. I’ll have to think of something for him now ...

Is anyone else getting quite invested in @TheCatWithTheHat and his Fab adventures?

Good luck Cat!!! And I remember when you were obsessed with Miss C. I think you and I need to consign her and Mr Bastard Beard to the bonfire of distant memories in 2021! (Am still hoping he will be one of my Christmas returners. Which is fucking insane, the man is a twat!)

@TheCatWithTheHat glad you are in a better position to last year. I've had my fair share of staring at the phone, waiting for messages. Much better to be alone than that sad state.

My ex would always buy me loads of things and a lovely card but i think it never made up for the abuse I got when he was drunk. I think he compensates for his terrible side.
I'm sort of looking forward to getting a nice card and see what Mr Yoga has to say to me. I put a lot of thought into his birthday and Christmas presents this year even though I wasn't sure I'd see him. I can't imagine not doing the same for anyone as I love looking for presents. The gift thread is very sad in that respect.

@Dancerinthemoonlight I've followed your story for a long time and I really admire your boundary setting. You will find someone who deserves you I'm sure of it as you seem so sure now of what you want.

@UtterSocks you and I seem to have similar exes!

My ex was always good at gifts - in fact even though we are now divorced he still gets me nice gifts - but from the kids now

I have a car park and coffee meet tonight- just a quick one to see if we get on having matched and started chatting Saturday 😊

@Bunkbedpeople sorry you're not well, hope things look up for you.

@TheCatWithTheHat good luck on Fab. I still think of it as a hook-up site with lots of dick pics and I'm just not into that, but I somewhat envy those of you who can separate love and sex. I pretty much want to marry anyone I have great sex with!

@Ruralbliss I assume sleazy daydreamer was not from Fab? In which case, what the fuck?!

@Eesha I'm totally with you, a thoughtful card with a lovely message means so much more than stuff. Sometimes stuff can be really thoughtful and personal too, of course, which - if combined with a lovely card - is as good as it gets.

I can't bear Valentine's - it just puts pressure on everyone and is so commercial and a bit sickly. I'm happy to ignore it - but still felt very happy when I got given a beautiful plant this year. But maybe that's because I was falling for the giver and had expected nothing.

@Dancerinthemoonlight how wasted you were on idiots who did not even get you anything for Christmas!

@UtterSocks why not keeping having the hot sex with Mr Local? It's not really the messaging you appreciate him for, is it? And your Mr Ginger is a bit me, sadly. Ex can't afford to move out so I'm stuck in the family home 3 years after we agreed to split. But I'm going to try to do something about it - is there no way Mr Ginger can resolve his situation?

For Christmas it will be me, DC and their father who won't move out . Last Christmas I was receiving unexpected presents and chatting lots to ex-BF who was in another county with his family. So this will be grim in comparison. By January I expect I'll be ready to go back on the sites

I haven’t bought Mr TourGuide a present and really hope he doesn’t get not me anything😬 but now I’m thinking I should and really don’t know where to start! What do you buy someone you like but really don’t know very well??
Any tips gratefully received

With only 3 days to go until the big Christmas Day ... the zombies are resurfacing thick and fast.

I’m probably a bit on the Scrooge bench with Xmas - maybe it’s ASD, being ill, not growing up in a Xmas celebrating religion household but I try to avoid as much as possible?

I also have the experience of being quite patronised by nasty toxic friends into being the “spare part little orphan girl from the abusive family” at their (shit) family xmases. So I avoid the pity invite like crazy.

I wouldn’t mind a chilled Xmas retreat holiday thing one year if my finances were good and it’s post-covid.

MrC has given me some gifts to open I think gifts are one of his love languages.

He’s leaving for work again soon (over next week, not sure of exact dates). Might be a month might be longer

glad you eagle eyed threadies brought this up so I was mindful this might happen

So although we’ve spent a lovely weekend and a day date and a night together and (like most enthusiastic men) he’s been keen for me to stay extra, I’ve been mindful of just putting things into a “holding pattern” rather than disrupting my own routine too much.

I definitely feel there’s potential there but (and I think he feels the same) I’m basically “taking things at face value” until more information comes and he’s back from the next trip. We’re thinking about a weekend away then. I’ll review how I feel when he’s away properly

I met up with MrMilitary as he’s also on leave (I think he tried to do a Cyndi lauper and drive all night to be with me the first night he was back and I was like ffs that is not romantic just annoying )

and we met up days later and it was lovely and the chemistry and conversation was crackling and he had matured a bit. I think he’s angling for a proper conversation

but he is still a twat, there’s no two ways about it. He’s kind of simultaneously cocky and also emotionally vulnerable which is a LETHAL combination for my fixer side but I know to watch for it and have my boundaries.

So I’m coming into Xmas solo with two interesting but flawed potential seamen but no definites. Which is fine. I have lots of work and applications to catch up with so will take a breather in January and review!

Overall I’m kind of giving my overthinking head a rest - as you’ve probably gathered from my posts I love a good overanalysis...am I choosing between two men, do I need to have big conversations or make big decisions?

But I think for now everyone is “doing themselves” and I’m in no rush - I’m childfree by choice either way.

So I’ll just get better and see how it all pans out.

I think I overdid stuff with work and trying to recover too quickly this year so I’m looking forward to some me time (I’ll have a drink and meal with lodger who is sorting food for us on Xmas day)

@Mayzee, so glad that it's going well with Mr Tour guide. Does he drink ? Maybe a nice bottle of wine and a thoughtful message in the card about cooking for him soon in the new year? Or can you bake ? A cake or similar? I would keep it as more of a thoughtful gesture than anything much more.
I am avidly reading along and invested in everyone's adventures. We have a new kitten so that has added a whole extra layer of chaos to my already busy Christmas preparations. Mr V and I are doing fine. Beginning to feel more permanent and real. Technically our second Christmas but last year we had only met a few weeks beforehand. Seeing him Christmas eve and Boxing day. We're lucky to be bubbled and in tier 3.

@Mayzee what about a loaf cake, quite sweet and cheap if you do it yourself. Or chocolates which you know he would like. If such early days, I'd wait and see if there are signs he's getting you anything but I think a cake is always nice!

@Mayzee yeah something you’ve baked sounds good as others have said.

I haven’t heard from Mr Long Walk since Sunday morning and am having the typical ‘omg why isn’t he texting me’ panic. Someone reason with me please. He’s gone home and is clearly busy (in that he hasn’t been on WhatsApp since early this morning for eg) - do I text or just leave it? (He was last to text but it required no response, we’d had a short 5-10 min back and forth text chat)

Hi I'm usually a lurker so I hope you don't mind me popping in to ask a question. Been chatting to a guy for almost 2 months, met up a few times and we both agreed there's a spark, not talking to anyone else, potential for long term but want to take it slow etc. Chat has dropped a bit over the last week or so, however he's not very well so not a huge cause for concern? What's playing on my mind, as ridiculous as this might sound, is at some point over the last few days he's unfriended me from facebook, no obvious reason. Really petty in the grand scheme of things but it's bugging me and I'm not sure whether to bring it up? I'm probably over invested and over thinking but to me it's an odd thing to do and then carry on chatting? I need a more neutral point of view please

@cravingthelook oh dear to the zombies. I have none lols. Maybe says something about me!!

Re the Xmas gifts, I’ve been single on Xmas day 2 of the 3 years I’ve been single since end of lt relationship! Last year I got some nice ones and then he promptly dumped me in January lols

@Lulu44 I'm definitely not one for adding people on Facebook but I would suspect he's hiding something he doesn't want you to see. Maybe more seasoned Facebook users might be better help!

@LongtimelurkerL it's Tuesday now. Have you been seeing each other a while, and are you due to meet again soon? I would probably drop a hello text to him in the next few days and see where the conversation goes. Xmas is a busy time but good to send the odd text to keep things going I think.

@Lulu44 yeah I’d find that a bit weird. If he’s still talking to you I don’t understand why he’d delete you? I could understand if he didn’t want to carry on and was doing a clear out but a bit weird otherwise.

@Eesha 3 dates (2 walks!), no kisses or anything. Haven’t planned anything but he said ‘hopefully see you soon’ at the end of last date which was Friday. Hard to plan as I don’t think he knows when he’s coming back to London.

@Lulu44 if you get on well, I'd just mention it? Combined with comms tapering off it would worry me (but poor comms are a major trigger for me) - just casually say, I notice we're not FB friends anymore; what's that about? If he is evasive or makes you wish you hadn't brought it up, you have your answer. Hope it's all good news though!

@LongtimelurkerL, no harm in dropping him a message. It is a busy time of year and you can acknowledge that in your text. Hopefully he's just caught up in Christmas stuff. And it's relatively early days for you both with things.
My firm and absolute belief in general is that if someone wants you in their life they will want to stay in touch, make the plans, adapt to both your given circumstances etc.

Yy to zombies - it’s just that time of year isn’t it?

I think there’s quite a lot of pressure for a Xmas faux-mance (thanks Richard Curtis films )

I once snogged a guy on the steps of a cathedral on Xmas eve, his birthday.

The first night we met after we’d been chatting for ages online

It was like then there was this expectation we had a Special Connection - even though tbh he was a dick and we were incompatible. I still got messages on Xmas eve even after he’d married someone else and moved to Oz.

Like this year I think could make a last minute festive push for MrMilitary or MrC to be my boyfriend but tbh I’m not sure that’s the most sensible decision right now given everyone’s work schedules (including mine)