DH had lunch with another woman

[pizzaandcats]

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

@neonjumper yes it is of course very convenient that he bought the diary alongside other presents - not in a suspicious way but in the way that I think anyone would buy all the things they need in one go when online shopping?

He knows now that I'm very uncomfortable with the whole thing so if he plans to meet up with her again it would be blatantly against my wishes. With us being in a lockdown and both WFH it is hard for him (or me) to really go anywhere without the other person know where and why - there aren't many places you can "pretend" to be going so I don't think he can sneak off to meet her again. He's already told me he's finished buying Christmas presents now so he can't go out on the pretence of buying pressies for me. No wriggle room for sneaking around.

Your DH is being much nicer to you than I would be, OP.

If my DP quizzed me at this length about something so normal and nice (and wanted to check my Amazon account! FFS!) I would be livid at them. You don't trust him, you're trying to catch him out over unimportant details and fundamentally you don't believe men and women can be just friends, exchange thoughtful presents or have a meal together without it being suspicious.

The red flags here are not to do with your husband, OP!

Also a bottle of beer and a glass are the most generic Platonic Coworker gifts imaginable. The poster who recommending smashing the glass needs help!

As a side note I have been tempted a few times to say sorry to him for feeling insecure but I haven't said it, I'm quite proud of that as I know I shouldn't apologise for my own feelings.

No reason to apologise but perhaps consider if your feelings are coming out in such a way that he's scared of telling you whats happening. If its simply a case of he exchanged presents with a colleague/friend but was scared to tell you thats an issue. Would you prefer he now need to keep away from any woman in case you get offended?

Also, don't take too much notice of advice on Mumsnet. If you relationship wasn't in trouble mumsnet will help kill it.

I can see why you’re a little uncomfortable cause your h is being weird, but really, the gift she got him is fairly shit and impersonal.

A beer and a glass with a cheesy slogan seems like some crap you pick up in a novelty gift shop, not something she invested time and care in picking. I know that’s not the main concern here, but that stuck out to me when you detailed the gift!

It doesn’t add up because he is lying. And you know he is.

He could be having a full blown affair and you’ve just noticed the tip of it or he wanted a flirty ego building lunch with her. Either way this isn’t what he initially lied about in the first instance.

If it smells like shit it probably is

I meet a male friend for lunch weekly (or i did pre covid), I have no idea if he tells his wife or not but there is absolutely nothing going on. We are two friends having lunch, one week he pays the next week I pay unless it's a birthday and then the other pays.

Why oh why can't men and women be just friends. Jeez my friend supported me through my marriage breakdown, our lunches consist of catching up on what his family is doing and my love life.

It says more about your relationship that you don't trust him than it does about their friendship. In fact you sound slightly possessive and that is not good in any relationship.

@gannett I know what you're saying and if the shoe was on the other foot I'd probably be livid at being quizzed. I haven't asked to see DHs messages to her or his amazon account and I'm not going to sneak a look either. I did ask a lot of questions but if DH had been clear from the start then there wouldn't be any questions to ask other than "did you have a nice time". I shouldn't drip feed but the reason I am so suspicious is because I've seen a lot of affairs recently (two of which I found out about after some digging because I had suspicions). My mum started a relationship with a good friend while he was still married. My cousin is a serial cheat. My last boyfriend was the same (obviously a long time ago now). I just don't have many good examples of a trusting relationship! Not an excuse though and I am making a conscious decision to trust DH after being very open with him about how I feel.

No op if your gut instinct tells you to be wary, then you are right to be so. If something doesn't make sense, it simply isn't true and you have picked up upon this. You have dissected it too much though. Just go with your gut.

There are the usual number of cool posters who are telling you that you are the problem. You are not. You have a right to feel hurt if something hurts you and over eight years you do not appear to have had previous suspicions.

...with the promise that if ever he was feeling that way and looking elsewhere I would be the first to know,

Probably just the sort of bollocks you say when trying to reassure someone, but what on earth does that mean? If he fancies an affair he’ll tell you first?

I did ask a lot of questions but if DH had been clear from the start then there wouldn't be any questions to ask other than "did you have a nice time".

Sounds to me as if he doesn't believe thats the case.

Why not just tell him 'no female friends'.

I'd drop it for now. Then after xmas sneak a quick look at his Amazon orders. If there's a diary in there amongst other things that were all for you then fine put it to bed. It would niggle otherwise when you know the evidence to exonerate him or otherwise is at your fingertips.

I shouldn't drip feed but the reason I am so suspicious is because I've seen a lot of affairs recently (two of which I found out about after some digging because I had suspicions). My mum started a relationship with a good friend while he was still married. My cousin is a serial cheat. My last boyfriend was the same (obviously a long time ago now). I just don't have many good examples of a trusting relationship! Not an excuse though and I am making a conscious decision to trust DH after being very open with him about how I feel.

It's good that you're aware of this and I can understand why you might have a problem with trust after reading. Does your DH know this back story? It might help him understand too (though he seems to be very understanding anyway). I'd be careful with telling him he can't see her any more, though, that honestly sounds horribly controlling to me.

Something else I noticed is that you think his behaviour has been weird/shady because it's not what you'd have done. You'd have given him the play-by-play on the day, you wouldn't have called it secret santa etc. But you also acknowledge that's not his personality. I think you're doing a bit of projecting here.

FWIW I've seen the term "secret santa" used for general office gift-giving even if what's happening isn't the strict definition of it, it's a generic term that rolls off people's tongues.

Some posters here are majorly projecting!

If you've been here before you know how things can start- an incremental erosion of boundaries, a testing of the water- actions that can be explained away to oneself but wouldn't arise with just any work friend. The decision to buy personal presents and keep it just between them feels like that kind of experiment. I think you've done well to draw attention to it being off- his actions are his own, but he can't now pretend to be oblivious.

(I also think a diary can be quite personal since you use it every day)

I wouldn’t be livid at being quizzed. If my actions made my partner feel insecure, I’d be more than happy to talk at length about it all, rather than going beserk and dismissing their feelings.

This whole discussion is extremely controlling. People are allowed to speak to work colleagues or even eat with them! If they had been in the office and had lunch together you’d never know.

Meeting in a hotel room....that’s another matter!!

Very happy that your DH has made efforts to re-assure you, and you're feeling better. Also very glad you haven't snooped and just asked him outright.

Definitely don't apologise for being suspicious - i mean, he DID lie and omit things initially. You'd have to be very very naive to not wonder what was going on. But his explanation makes sense, coupled with the fact he doesn't like sharing much in the first place.

Don't let this ruin your Xmas. Your DH obviously cares very much for you, and doesn't seem to be doing anything else suspicious that points to an affair.

you can ask to see the order after you get your present.

@catspyjamas123

This whole discussion is extremely controlling. People are allowed to speak to work colleagues or even eat with them! If they had been in the office and had lunch together you’d never know.

Meeting in a hotel room....that’s another matter!!

Nobody is saying that it isn't okay. What isn't okay is her dh lying to her, changing his story once questioned. That's the problem, had he been honest upfront and she said he went out for dinner with a work colleague then I think the responses on this thread would have been diffident.

You know his personality, we dont and your previous life experiences could be making you extra sensitive but the whole story does sound odd so I think you're right to keep an eye on things if it doesn't feel right to you. Dont apologise to him for having asked about it.

I'm also going to go against the grain here of posters dismissing a diary as a rubbish/innocent gift. You can get some pretty nice diaries these days plus, in my mind at least, a diary gives suggestion of booking special dates or lunches that you keep with you. Many of us use e-calendars for day to day stuff so a proper diary can be a thoughtful gift.

Guess what @HuggedTheRedwoods got everyone for Christmas

I hope you like yours Musical!

I assume that those who speak about ‘controlling OP’ haven’t ever seen in RL how these things start. As a pP said, there are a lot of odd events, testing the water, no single event unreasonable but unsettling and sadly unless it fizzles it furs become a thing.

pizza be careful that your past doesn’t make you ignore those suspicious feelings.

I wouldn’t be livid if I was questioned. I’d be concerned that they were feeling insecure

It is not the fact that he had lunch with a former colleague who happens to be a woman that is worrying, it is him being evasive about it...