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Original poster

DH had lunch with another woman

999 replies

pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP posts:
missperegrinespeculiar · 12/12/2020 12:35

Sorry, OP, but I find your reaction really over the top.

And if my partner had any "wishes" I did not meet with a friend of mine I would get quite angry

I would find it really controlling and would not put up with it

Isitreally77 · 12/12/2020 12:45

@missperegrinespeculiar

Sorry, OP, but I find your reaction really over the top.

And if my partner had any "wishes" I did not meet with a friend of mine I would get quite angry

I would find it really controlling and would not put up with it

My ex tried that with me. He said its either this friend or him. I refused to choose. He is now my ex, it was the last straw for me.
Soonm · 12/12/2020 12:56

OP, you haven't been controlling. You're just worried, which is understandable.

catspyjamas123 · 12/12/2020 13:11

@Susanwouldntlikeit I do think it’s controlling to be trying to break into someone’s phone or check their Amazon account. There is no trust there. Both men and women are allowed to work and will sometimes become friends. Men can meet other men for a drink and to build contacts with nobody questioning that. But if a man meets a woman there is all sorts of suspicion. It’s something that actually stops women building contracts and advancing in their careers.

The posters doubting that a man would be able to wrap a present, find the sellotape and scissors etc are just belittling men who are usually capable but simply leave these tasks to women who are happy to jump in and do them!

gannett · 12/12/2020 13:13

@Requinblanc

It is not the fact that he had lunch with a former colleague who happens to be a woman that is worrying, it is him being evasive about it...
He's not being evasive in any sense other than failing to provide OP with a minute-by-minute account of where he is and who he's with, and for a common misuse of a generic seasonal gifting term.
Beefcurtains79 · 12/12/2020 14:23

All the posters saying they go for lunch with a colleague are muddling the issue in my opinion. I too have a male colleague who is a friend, of 15 years. We go to lunch and occasionally socialise out of work for occasions, he’s a good mate and colleague.
However, I just can’t imagine how it would ever come up that we would buy each other Christmas gifts. Don’t get me wrong, if one of us has a birthday drink we’d normally turn up with a gift of a bottle of something, but this is just slightly.....well, different. I mean realistically how did that conversation go? ‘Hey, let’s exchange Christmas presents’. If the gifts were so generic it’s not as if he or she had seen something that they thought that the other would really like so got it for that reason? It just doesn’t really.....sync, to me.
The fact that he claims he now can’t remember said unusual, awkward conversation is what’s reinforcing the oddness of the scenario.

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 12/12/2020 14:28

Asked DH if I could see what kind of diary it was. I don't know why I asked but I did. It's a "one line per day" style diary with 5 years worth of dates where you literally write a few words about the most significant part of each day. DH has just come downstairs to ask me what we're going to do going forward because he doesn't like my reaction to all of this. In the heat of the moment he also added "for full disclosure" that he also bought her a cheap price of costume jewellery. A sunflower necklace because she likes sunflowers...

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 12/12/2020 14:33

He doesn't like your reaction?

I'm sure he would be happy if you secretly met with. a male coworker, exchanged gifts, including something personal, like jewelry.

Each thing he discloses is making it worse.

Onthedunes · 12/12/2020 14:39

Now that I don't like, sunflower necklace, many of these are with the inferal...... you are my sunshine, little miss sunshine, hidden message type thing.

I woudn't like it, she sounds like the romanticing type.

litterbird · 12/12/2020 14:47

.....a sunflower necklace.....it reminds me of the scene in Love Actually where the wife thinks she's getting the necklace but its a CD. Sorry OP, I cant quite fathom this one out, it maybe all just innocent as you have had no other reason to question him before.

UnwantedOpinionBelow · 12/12/2020 14:57

Hmm, I would not be happy with my husband saying he got her as a Secret Santa and then changing it later (1st red flag, although he explained this). He originally told you it was just a diary, seems strange he has only just mentioned the necklace (I don't see how he failed to mention buying his female colleague a necklace alongside the diary, a necklace is a bit of a romatice gift and I think this would make me uncomfortable in my honest opinion). I would just be weary about their relationship and keep an eye out

SnowDogFarts · 12/12/2020 14:59

How about going forward he doesn't lie to you, or at least be less vague about details that could give an impression that something is 'off'. What would you want to happen going forward?

SnowDogFarts · 12/12/2020 15:01

Imo, jewellery is quite a personal thing to buy someone. It's not something I would buy for a friend/colleague.

Omeara · 12/12/2020 15:04

I wouldn’t have an issue with either the gift or the lunch and it sounds as though you wouldn’t have done either had it not been for the half truths he’s told you.

greenspacesoverthere · 12/12/2020 15:11

because he doesn't like my reaction to all of this.

Interesting. I now think there is something going on between him and his colleague

YoniAndGuy · 12/12/2020 15:18

@gannett

I shouldn't drip feed but the reason I am so suspicious is because I've seen a lot of affairs recently (two of which I found out about after some digging because I had suspicions). My mum started a relationship with a good friend while he was still married. My cousin is a serial cheat. My last boyfriend was the same (obviously a long time ago now). I just don't have many good examples of a trusting relationship! Not an excuse though and I am making a conscious decision to trust DH after being very open with him about how I feel.

It's good that you're aware of this and I can understand why you might have a problem with trust after reading. Does your DH know this back story? It might help him understand too (though he seems to be very understanding anyway). I'd be careful with telling him he can't see her any more, though, that honestly sounds horribly controlling to me.

Something else I noticed is that you think his behaviour has been weird/shady because it's not what you'd have done. You'd have given him the play-by-play on the day, you wouldn't have called it secret santa etc. But you also acknowledge that's not his personality. I think you're doing a bit of projecting here.

FWIW I've seen the term "secret santa" used for general office gift-giving even if what's happening isn't the strict definition of it, it's a generic term that rolls off people's tongues.

She's already said that if he'd been straight up about where he was going and what he was doing, she'd have no problem with trusting him.

It's kind of the lying bit that has given her a problem with trust, isn't it?

Writing this after the next post, where he comes clean about also lying about the gift her bought - it wasn't just a nice neutral diary but a necklace as well.

Right, yep, trust issues.

Notrightbutok · 12/12/2020 15:21

Hmmm, so why didn't he mention the necklace before? That is a very thoughtful and personal gift.

YoniAndGuy · 12/12/2020 15:21

OP the jewellery thing here seals the deal for me - too damn right he shouldn't like this reaction.

He needs to sit down and see all of this in reverse. How about you lied by omission about the situation with a present for a male colleague, concocted a bit of a tale about how and why the two of you ended up having a meal together and exchanging gifts, then lied by omission about what the present was?

I'd be sitting down with him - cards on the table, you don't want him to continue a friendship with this person as you don't think it's appropriate, and if there's anything further he needs to tell you about his opinions and feelings here, now's his chance for that 'full disclosure.'

Note - he's only told you about the necklace because he now assumes you're going to be looking for receipts/details, and you will find it.

Needsadvice197 · 12/12/2020 15:25

@pizzaandcats

Asked DH if I could see what kind of diary it was. I don't know why I asked but I did. It's a "one line per day" style diary with 5 years worth of dates where you literally write a few words about the most significant part of each day. DH has just come downstairs to ask me what we're going to do going forward because he doesn't like my reaction to all of this. In the heat of the moment he also added "for full disclosure" that he also bought her a cheap price of costume jewellery. A sunflower necklace because she likes sunflowers...
No, no and no!!! A diary I said wouldn’t have been a very flirtatious gift, jewellery on the other hand!!! He’s thought a lot about that gift hasn’t he? Saying it’s because she likes sunflowers and I’m guessing it’s a little thing between them, like an inside joke.
peboh · 12/12/2020 15:28

Honestly the diary, fair enough. It's impersonal enough to be a good present for a work friend/colleague. The necklace is a bit much more me, and the fact he just coincidentally forgot to mention it when you asked him what he got her. He only didn't mention it because he knew it was probably wrong, and you wouldn't react well. Honestly he's pushing some lines of his respect for you here. I wouldn't like it myself.

InstantCoffeeSavesTheDay · 12/12/2020 15:28

As a comparison... we had secret Santa in the office a few years ago. A male co-worker got me my present: a shower hat with dinosaur ears. Really funny and perfect.

I would be quite uncomfortable with a male co-worker giving me any thoughtful presents. Unless it was a bottle of wine/gin/vodka with a note along the lines “sorry for being such a pain the last year Grin”

VenusTiger · 12/12/2020 15:28

I'm torn between your DH not wanting to tell you ANY of the truth because he knows you'll react in this way and he just can't be arsed with it all (I don't think there was ever a plan to meet up with 3 other ppl btw) and it's an innocent friendship.....and your DH has just bought a "friend" a necklace, she'll probably wear 'for him' and a diary that imo is personal (a day-by-day account of how you're feeling) - these gifts are well thought out OP. But as I say, it could be all innocent and that's why he's telling you now, because he has nothing to hide and thought you'd go mad had he told you all beforehand or he's testing the waters with her, as her gift to him is pretty generic.
Have you asked him how he thinks the colleague's bf will feel about her receiving a necklace from a male "friend"? Do you think she'll tell her bf who it's from?

peboh · 12/12/2020 15:30

To add if a male colleague bought me jewellery, I'd feel extremely out out because it's a super personal gift especially as he really thought about it to get her something that is representative of something she loves.

Beefcurtains79 · 12/12/2020 15:31

Keep going, I know this is hideous but you aren’t imagining this as he, and indeed others on this forum might have you believe. Did he present her with this lovely piece of jewellery at lunch then? Just as well the other 2 conveniently dropped out as that would’ve been awkward wouldn’t it? I mean, I’d be pretty taken aback if a married colleague bought and gifted our mutual colleague with a piece of personal jewellery he’d chosen, and gave it to her in front of me.

Iwonder08 · 12/12/2020 15:33

It is a very sad story to read. Why so much worry about a lunch and a cheap present? None of the things you described are suspicious or out of order? Why are you so jealous? Does he give you other reasons not to trust him? If not I would try to work on your own anxieties and insecurities..