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Original poster

DH had lunch with another woman

999 replies

pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP posts:

Emeraldeyes20 · 12/12/2020 06:57

Something suspicious going on here, all seems too much of a coincidence!

Dullardmullard · 12/12/2020 06:58

Places are open you know for meals and isn’t against covid rules by the way folks

But you do have to book in advance and what he did sounds like a date and in mind there was no others there

Go with gut

Me personally I’d of asked him to open in front of you and why he said SS and then changed it to a present exchange that would be asked upfront. Are you not the confrontational then.

LubaLuca · 12/12/2020 07:01

Places are open you know for meals and isn’t against covid rules by the way folks

Bearing in mind you can't meet friends inside, so it would have to be outdoors.

Perfect28 · 12/12/2020 07:41

You dismiss the breaking of the covid rules but to me that's the big red flag. It must be a lie because of the initial 'we booked a work meal as a team', well no, you didn't, because that's not allowed so..

Original poster

pizzaandcats · 12/12/2020 07:42

@dullardmullard I will be asking him to open it in front of me today. I have asked him why he said secret santa and he just said he treated it as the same type of thing

OP posts:

Beefcurtains79 · 12/12/2020 07:45

Her and her mate coming out to meet you on the night out was weird, I’d suspect she was checking out her competition as well.
Did you ask him who booked the meal? And how many people it was originally booked for? See if he has the details.
Also, why did they randomly arrange to buy each other Christmas gifts this year when no one else in the office was? It’s weird and a bit inappropriate. They both have partners and presumably friends/family so it’s not as if either of them would receive nothing for Christmas this year or anything.
If a story doesn’t make sense it’s usually because you aren’t getting the full story.

Porridgeoat · 12/12/2020 07:48

Secret Santa is only secret before giving in our workplace

Sorehandsandfeet · 12/12/2020 07:49

I think many people are jumping the gun here. The OP has admitted she is a suspicious person and her DH is generally vague. Maybe her DH doesn't want to get in 'trouble' and so didn't tell the whole truth as he knew it would end in a row. He has been WFH and could be desperate for some other adult company and therefore eager to go for the meal. The team could be small and therefore it is feasible that it ended up only 2 of them. They could be good friends but DH didn't want his admittedly suspicious wife to over react so didn't go into detail. If he had talked about her he would be accused of mentionitis and people would shout 'affair'.
If he did buy the gift on amazon he could show her the email confirming the order, or even bring up the item where it would say that he bought it on such a date. Hopefully he would show this when asked to alleviate any fears of the OP.
I cannot get over the amount of pp who are aghast at the thought of a grown man choosing a thoughtless gift, having it delivered and wrapping it without the knowledge of his wife! Are men generally this useless??
He brought the gift home in plain sight, there was no hiding it. He could have lied and said there was a group, he didn't. Unless there is more to the background of this or if someone mentions seeing them together, I would put it to bed for now. You can keep your eyes and ears open but don't let it consume you.

lunalulu · 12/12/2020 08:06

@Manolinette

They are testing the waters. It’s in that phase now.

I'm afraid that's what it feels like to me. It often all starts with odd contradictions and weird sort of explanations for vaguely unsettling events.

I hope not, OP. But I think asking him to open the present like an Australian customs officer will just make you look silly or worse. I guess just wait and trust him, then.

Dullardmullard · 12/12/2020 08:07

@LubaLuca

Places are open you know for meals and isn’t against covid rules by the way folks

Bearing in mind you can't meet friends inside, so it would have to be outdoors.

You can inside not just the beer gardens you know and it’s not against the rules or they’d be shut smartish that’s sure.

FallingStar21 · 12/12/2020 08:17

I think you have VERY good reasons to be suspicious. Here's my take on his story -

it was always meant to be just them going out for a meal. He told you several people were coming, what are the chances all but her cancelled? And if they did, they'd have sent messages out rather than not show up last moment.. or see him "beforehand" and disappear.

The truthful element to his story was that it was the 2 of them only, and this is to ensure he wont get caught if seen by anyone who might mention it to you.

There was no secret santa, he even (more or less) admitted it. They just wanted to buy each other a gift. But he didnt want you to notice he pays her special attention.

Is there anything else you know about this woman or their relations? This kind of situation would make me very uneasy.

Sittinbythesea · 12/12/2020 08:30

It’s also possible that he ended up on his own with the colleague and doing presents without really meaning to and feels a bit uncomfortable. Maybe she engineered it all and he doesn’t like it but doesn’t know what to say to you. I’d play it a bit more subtley - you could say in a jokey way that you hope she isn’t the sort to make accusations of inappropriate behaviour or something about he needs to be careful not to start office gossip (like you trust HIM but think others might not).

Isthisnothing · 12/12/2020 08:31

Like a previous poster I am very firmly on the fence here. I can easily see how there could be nothing to it at all. The lunch, present, girlfriend coming out to say hi and have a joke sound perfectly normal to me. The fact he didn't mention the present is a bit strange but she has said he is often evasive.

The fact that OP is concerned suggests that her instincts have been triggered. This is my only concern. She knows him and so far has trusted him.

Sorry but I would do some snooping. I would log into Amazon and look for a diary. If he gets an Amazon notification I would deny it was me. If there's a gift there that doesn't appear in my presents I would leave him.

MrsGrindah · 12/12/2020 08:32

I think they are definitely pushing the boundaries. He’s trying the tactic of telling you as much truth as he dares so he can go all wide eyed innocent if you challenge him ( “ But I told you it was just me and Jane for lunch!”).

But as you say, the rest of it suggests he isn’t behaving normally and there must be a reason for that. Sorry OP I’ve been in your shoes and it is bloody awful.

Newwayofthinking · 12/12/2020 08:37

It's made you feel uncomfortable for a reason, he has been deliberately vage, even more so than usual.

The buying of personal presents would make me suspicious too.

He isn't being totally honest with you

VanGoghsDog · 12/12/2020 08:39

@Perfect28

Exactly!!

VanGoghsDog · 12/12/2020 08:43

Places are open you know for meals and isn’t against covid rules by the way folks

But you do have to book in advance and what he did sounds like a date and in mind there was no others there

In the UK, in tier three everything is closed. In T2 you can go for a meal, up to six members of the same household; or six other people only if you sit outside. You can go for a drink with the same rules only if it is non alcoholic.

There is nothing in the govt rules about booking in advance. I think venues are just requesting that.

MsDogLady · 12/12/2020 08:45

He and A made their plans to shop for each other and meet for a lunch date. He lied about it being SS and about the coincidence that they had drawn each other’s names. He also lied about the other team members’ being around. When you later questioned him further, he stumbled around and admitted they were personal gifts, but feigned confusion, hoping you’d back off. He elaborated on the story about the coworkers’ leaving early, because that is the part of the ruse that he really wants you to believe...that he and A didn’t intend to eat alone. Except they certainly did.

OP, it seems to me that he is taking you for a fool.

m00rfarm · 12/12/2020 08:49

I may be missing the point but surely with secret santa the idea is NOT to know who is giving you the present ...

peboh · 12/12/2020 08:53

@m00rfarm

I may be missing the point but surely with secret santa the idea is NOT to know who is giving you the present ...

If you read ops updates, dh lied to her when he said it was a secret Santa. Him and lady co worker agreed to exchange gifts just the two of them. There is a secret Santa later in the month but that was not it.

BigFatLiar · 12/12/2020 08:57

There's an awful lot of filling in gaps and making up scenarios here with very little real information.

Be honest and say outright that you don't trust him. Either he's telling the truth or he's not. If he's heading for an affair then thats that. If he's not then he may be dancing around because he thinks you'll go ballistic and to be fair if it was just a lunch with a work friend and he's that scared of your reaction he should go, he'll be better off as no one should live like that. Sounds like its doomed either way.

Bacter · 12/12/2020 08:57

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JackyFrost · 12/12/2020 09:00

[quote pizzaandcats]@dullardmullard I will be asking him to open it in front of me today. I have asked him why he said secret santa and he just said he treated it as the same type of thing[/quote]
We all want to know what the SS pressie is. This will determine the level of wankery he has put you through and how guilty or not guilty he is

Susanwouldntlikeit · 12/12/2020 09:01

Is your DH in the habit of buying and wrapping presents -eg for his mum, your DC etc? Mine wouldn’t know where to grind the paper, scissors, sellotape and would ask me what to buy a colleague.

Bacter · 12/12/2020 09:03

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