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Original poster

DH had lunch with another woman

999 replies

pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP posts:
zzizz · 15/12/2020 14:08

Ah ... it actually puts a bit of a different spin on it that neither of you had a whole lot of time to date around when you were younger. And infertility is such a headfuck on any relationship (we've been through it too and ended up childless on the other end, I wouldn't wish it on anyone).

I would say that in your position I'd be feeling very uneasy, and it would take some time and energy on his behalf to convince me that he was still committed and happy in the relationship. You're not going mad here. It's a shitty situation.

TitOfTheIceberg · 15/12/2020 14:10

He maintains that he simply made a last minute plan to meet with his friend to swap their presents and that deep down he knew I'd be uneasy at them meeting (and I would) and he wanted to spare my feelings.

The carefully-chosen presents that you had no clue about because he'd neglected to mention it to you...

That "spare your feelings" crap is just that - crap. He didn't tell you because he was doing something wrong, and he was trying to avoid facing up to the fact that he has been behaving like an untrustworthy shit. It was his feelings he was trying to protect.

Dullardmullard · 15/12/2020 14:13

He’s still not taking the blame for this. He’s still looking to blame your past. He knew what he was doing and then lied and then lied and then lied again.

Is he bending over backwards?
Has he shown remorse?

Counselling might help here for you both only if you can afford it mind.

Only you can decide on what’s Happening and I wish you luck there.

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 15/12/2020 14:20

He is showing a lot of remorse. It feels like a bit of a power shift really. I'd never previously have laid down the law. Yesterday I told him I do not want him to go into the office, so he didn't. Today I told him that I don't want this friendship to go any further, so he has deleted and blocked her. Usually he can be defensive and basically impossible to argue with (usually only petty little tiffs though) but this time he is admitting all fault and trying his absolute best to reassure me in his commitment to me. Everything he says or does now can obviously be spun negatively so I'm trying to be level headed and consider everything without automatically accepting or rejecting what he says. It is just words though isn't it. This will take time

OP posts:
hazandduck · 15/12/2020 14:24

My point exactly @SparklingLime

Dullardmullard · 15/12/2020 14:24

I’m glad he’s taking the blame here. I hope you can move forward and yes it will take time as long as you want as things will pop up that will remind you. He doesn’t get to say enough ever.

Skittlebug · 15/12/2020 14:25

Why does he need a female friend to treat like a girlfriend when he has a wife? I think considering the ages this is the beginning of the end or the beginning of a long road of misery. But I hope I'm wrong.

MargeProopsSpecs · 15/12/2020 14:26

@AfterSchoolWorry

Isn't it funny how men only ever choose pretty, attractive colleagues to be 'friends' with.

Never plain or unattractive women.

Hmm

Odd isn't it.
Plastichearts · 15/12/2020 14:28

I assumed you were both older too. I feel like it makes a difference but I’m not sure why.

Plastichearts · 15/12/2020 14:29

I was also wondering if he needed a reason for why his car was outside her house but you seem ok with his explanation for that.

ScalpHelp · 15/12/2020 14:32

It’s a hard one because there’s no guarantee he won’t do this again; he has somewhat experienced how fun “dating” others might be but in the same token, how much you were hurt by it too.

If you stay together you’ll both have to contend with the fact that your relationship won’t be the same for a while as the trust is broken - it could take years before you feel like the marriage is back to normal again.

Perhaps he did miss out on experiences with other women, but he should have considered that before getting married at a young age.

It seems like he was excited at the prospect of someone like her showing him attention, hence the initial secrecy. I think he was testing the waters slightly, but as time has elapsed he has been friend-zoned. Although nothing more happened between them, he was clearly enjoying the ego boost she provided.

YoniAndGuy · 15/12/2020 14:33

Take time? What, to forget what he's shown you he is?

At 29, I would dump. Sorry. I agree that I wouldn't want to see this one's antics at 40.

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 15/12/2020 14:37

I really don't want this to become about age. I'm very much about establishing a relationship organically and slowly, we've done that and we have experienced a lot together in 8 years so I don't want it to come across as two kids who can easily just part ways and start again. We have a house, a marriage, pets, a lot of love for each others families etc. It's a lot to give up on as well as the fact that I would panick about meeting someone decent, settling down and having time to start a family given my fertility issues. I wouldn't stay with him just for that reason though, I need to be able to see us having a happy life together or there's no point is there

OP posts:
aeiouaeiouaeiou · 15/12/2020 14:40

OP walk away. He's finally starting to grow up and wonder if the grass is greener. He's got itchy feet and it's an itch he needs to scratch. He was very young when you got together and is probably wanting to spread his wings. Even if you stay together he will waiver and stray again.

Dullardmullard · 15/12/2020 14:40

This is someone’s life not for your performance on here ffs

If @pizzaandcats wants to stay in her marriage that’s up to her as it’s her life after all. Being supportive does go a long way you know and if in 6 months to a year or whatever she’s had enough so be it. Not all this ltb

Only OP knows how this will go let her decide without the pile on.

YoniAndGuy · 15/12/2020 14:42

Well yes actually on second thought I'll revise my post above. And go back more to the one before it - 29 is nearly 30. It isn't the best time to split and start again of you definitely want a family. It's pretty much the cusp point. If you seriously couldn't see yourself ever having children with someone you'd only been with, say, three years - then to be blunt yes stick with him because otherwise you're risking not having a family.

Not saying that the you of ten years' time won't kick him out when you discover yet another 'friendship' that he was 'clueless' about, but at that point maybe you'll have your kids and you'll happily see the back of him.

Just have your wits about you from now on and just remember and absolutely absorb the fact that he's a cheat.

YoniAndGuy · 15/12/2020 14:44

Agree though that 26 is a real danger age in this kind of scenario. Basically yes, he's been with you since 18, that's SO young. Sadly it is likely that there IS a more fundamental problem here along 7 year itch lines - where he's now an adult proper and is finding the relationship of his teenage years isn't what he can now imagine having for hte rest of his life... or never again having new relationships and flirtations.

Clementine183 · 15/12/2020 14:55

I agree that it sounds very likely that part of him wishes he had played the field more when he was young, even if he really loves you. What we want isn't always straightforward and clear-cut and he may well feel conflicted over it (though obviously he wouldn't say that to you).

Also agree with you though OP that the fact that you're young shouldn't undermine the seriousness of the relationship. It's quite easy to look at things in black and white and think "well, the trust has been broken so she should leave", but I do wonder how many people would REALLY end an eight year relationship and marriage on the strength of this. My bar on what it takes to end a long-term relationship is high I must admit, probably too high, but still, I really don't think many people would make a snap decision to say goodbye to the past eight years on the basis of what has happened here: some lying and omission around a meet-up and possible flirtation with a colleague. Of course if you do discover there is more to it then that's a different conversation, but I don't blame you for leaning towards trying to work it out.

RantyAnty · 15/12/2020 14:56

@pizzaandcats
My exact thoughts. The female work friend is not 70 year old May or the plain unattractive.

MirandaMarple · 15/12/2020 15:00

I've never 'chosen' a Secret Santa recipient, names get picked out of a hat.

ScalpHelp · 15/12/2020 15:01

I got caught up in an intense relationship at 16-20 and feel like I wasted my youth, so can sort of relate to the feeling of jumping into things too soon and growing apart as you get older. It is plausible that he is getting cold feet after the fact. He’s not considering ending things with you but unfortunately may have some unresolved feelings about “what could have been.” That doesn’t mean you can’t move past this, the ball is in his court tbh.

TwentyViginti · 15/12/2020 15:08

He is very young, and got together with you as a teen. He may well be growing out of this relationship with you.

Not saying that to be cruel, just being realistic.

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 15/12/2020 15:17

@mirandamarple we are way past secret santa now

OP posts:
peboh · 15/12/2020 15:18

@MirandaMarple

I've never 'chosen' a Secret Santa recipient, names get picked out of a hat.
RTFT- many more things have come up since then.
peboh · 15/12/2020 15:20

I do understand why you don't want this become an age thing op, and I'm not disputing that you have commitments similar to those who are 40+ however being 26 is a big thing in this. He's young, never really dated around and seems like he might be getting a feel of that. I'd keep my wits about me in this, he might genuinely be remorseful and your marriage might thrive. He also might go back to not caring in a months time and do this again with another female friend. Just be careful.

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