DH had lunch with another woman

[pizzaandcats]

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

The real issue here is the broken trust. Whether he cheated or not, he's done something he knows he shouldn't. That's why he keeps lying. And now he's lost track of the lies he's told you.

I mean his story gets less believable the more he says, and it might be worth checking out the supposed restaurant online to see if he trips up anymore...but he's clearly been lying to you for days. And blaming you for it

How can they form a natural friendship which he's implied, when they don't really work together? All pre-meditated, going out of the way contact!

God he just keeps lying, sorry OP what a headfuck. So his answer when confronted with opposing stories (eg we both bought separately turning into her paying and him sending money) is 'I don't know why I said that'? Prick.

What kind of quick outdoor lunch is £20 a head?

Him bringing up your past is a low blow and bordering on gaslighting.

It's pretty much 'see this is why I couldn't tell you, because I knew you'd react like this."

IMO if you want to do something you know would upset your partner so much that you worry you can't tell them about it, you choose tell them openly you plan to do it and discuss it or you break up because you'd rather do something that would upset them than not do it. Anything else seems unhealthy, including the way he tackled it.

I'm really sorry he keeps lying.

He's just been spinning you line after line. So now he went to her house and sent her money on that Friday! I'd be asking him to leave and not to be retuning until he tells you that actual truth.

I think deep down you know the truth but you want to believe the lies and I don't blame you.

At this point the bloke could look outside the window and say its raining and you would have to double check

I think you're edging closer and closer to the truth here op. The only way to know if the boyfriend was there is to ask him.

That said , what you need to focus on here is how all of this is making you feel. Relationships have ups and downs , but they shouldn't make you miserable. Is he worth sacrificing your happiness?

P*izza
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I've RTFT. Firstly I think you're amazing. You're v calm & logical and responding thoughtfully at each stage.

You've got good advice here.

I really feel for you. ❤️

The real issue is his duplicity & destruction of trust.

What you don't want, is 'moving on' meaning blocking contact, scrutinising everything he does, him having to 'prove' his trustworthy. To me, that's the death knell of a relationship.

I don't think he's had an affair. But I think that's secondary as he has done equal damage by lying, undermining you, disrespecting you & then drip-feeding the apparent (?) truth.

I guess what you want, and need is for him to open up. Why did he do what he did? How does he feel about you? What's going on?

There are reasons for why he did what he did. He needs to be honest & own them.

If it leads to the end of your marriage, then at least there's some integrity to it.

Now, as to how you get to that point, and him being willing to face up to his actions - that's the tough one.

They used to work together and have since been moved onto different teams. The messages I read on Teams that were sent on Wednesday last week were him asking if she wanted to go for food as they had the presents to swap and her then asking him if he wanted to park at her house as it would be a shorter drive for him and she can park for free. I'm actually not worried about the driving arrangements as I read the conversation around it and can see myself making similar arrangements with a friend to save a few quid.

I hate that people like him turn you obsessive - with my compulsive liar ex I know I would have been asking him what he ate there on the spot, then look up the place and see if it's on the menu and if it's anywhere near the price.

But now I would be more tempted to at least have a break from the relationship for a while to think clearly - because being with someone who compulsively lies is absolutely exhausting.

And no matter how much detail / truth you find out, there's always another lie somewhere.

Say he did 'just' go for lunch with her - even if he was now telling the whole truth (doubtful) he's managed to lie so far about:

What was planned originally
Who was there on the day
How they paid
Where they met
Secret Santa / not secret Santa
How much he spent on her gift
What he bought (diary)
What he bought again (+ necklace)
What he bought again, again (+ chocs)
Emails deleting automatically... ok mate
Nothing being inappropriate - but then telling her how attractive she is

He's spun so much shit out of so little reality that I don't know how you get back to trusting him about every day stuff now, let alone big stuff.

I hate this for you, I'm sorry.

He's spun so much shit out of so little reality that I don't know how you get back to trusting him about every day stuff now, let alone big stuff.

This is exactly it.

No reason to swap presents then.

I smell BS. There is no reason to park at hers. And why not mention the bf from the off? (because he was caught on the hop and didn't think of it).

Her comments about stopping the compliment or she will get a big head is an open for him to say 'they are all true blah, blah'.

You cannot believe a single word he says. I know you want to believe him, but really, look at how far removed all this was from the original story. What a web he has weaved.

Have read the thread OP and feel so sorry for you.

Your husband is an absolute liar and a really poor one.
Constantly changing his story.
He definitely has been sniffing around her and has a crush.

I would not be rushing into TTC with someone who is clearlopen to having his head turned.

I'm married a long time and I also would think his actions constitutes cheating.

He was being deliberately evasive and lying.

IMO cheating does NOT start and stop at sex.

He has broken his vows and your trust.

Protect yourself.

Some of the new "revelations" that I have put on here today, he did actually tell me yesterday. There's been nothing new today apart from the proof that he sent her money on Friday and I don't think he has anything else to tell me now (either because that's everything or because he knows any more would mean the end for us). I have asked and asked if there is anything wrong, if he isn't happy with in our lives, of he is stressed, is he missing out on some of his youth (we got together when he was 18, I was 21). I've asked it all to try to dig out the reasons for him doing this. I'm not getting anything else from him now other than that he is completely happy in our marriage, it was a friendship, he takes complete ownership of lying and knows how wrong it was and the damage that it has done. He still doesn't know if I'll decide to stay with him (neither do I but I'm leaning towards working through this with him). He maintains that he simply made a last minute plan to meet with his friend to swap their presents and that deep down he knew I'd be uneasy at them meeting (and I would) and he wanted to spare my feelings. It's wrong and I can see that he knows that now but I'm not prepared to do any more snooping or contact her boyfriend as that to me signals the end of our marriage completely. I just have to work through if I'm able to let go of the what ifs and trust that I know all there is to know. Also to decide if I can forgive the lies, which is literally the worst thing that he could have done aside from actually having an affair.

If you were 18 when you got together and you’ve been together 8 years...you’re still so young! You have so much time to meet someone who actually deserves you and won’t lie to you. Not sure what your fertility problems are obviously but in your mid twenties it just seems like such a shame for you to settle with someone who (from your posts) doesn’t seem worthy of you.

OP, well done for talking it through. I would step away from this forum, you are going to hear lots of women projecting and egging you to do more digging /end your marriage.
The outcome of that might be your husband will have better understanding of your thoughts and feelings.
Best of luck

@hazandduck I'm 29 now and he's 26, we've been together for 8 years

@Iwonder08

OP, well done for talking it through. I would step away from this forum, you are going to hear lots of women projecting and egging you to do more digging /end your marriage. The outcome of that might be your husband will have better understanding of your thoughts and feelings. Best of luck

I’m not trying to do that, genuinely. I’ve been with my DH since I was 18 too so I’m not telling her to try and stir up any problems etc, or projecting because I’ve never been in OP’s situation. I just think she seems like a nice person who’s already been treated badly before, from what she’s said it sounds like her husband is at the least hiding things from her and it just seems like she deserves better.

Sorry Op I am terrible at maths lol x

So sorry he has done this, he is massively in the wrong here. It’s got worse with every extra bit of info he’s added. He should have just been upfront from the beginning, but he wasn’t, why? I can only think that it would have been obvious he likes her, he doesn’t want you to know that, he knew it was inappropriate but wanted to meet up with her anyway. Your instincts have been spot on.

He says he thought you would have felt uncomfortable with the arrangements which is the reason he shouldn’t have met up with her. This is the decision he should have taken. Instead he’s turned that into a reason to meet in secret, ‘while sparing your feelings’. Then he’s started dropping little clues for you to try and get to the bottom of it. He’s wanted you to find out, why? He wants you to know but he also wanted to blame the secrecy on you. I can only guess either he wants to meet up more with her, in future he’d tell you about it but blame any of your insecurity on you? Or he wants out of your relationship and is using this situation where he has a flirtation going on to get you to split with him, rather than him being the bad guy?

This is gaslighting: ‘he was trying to spare me what he knew would make me worried and maybe upset because of my past’ as there’s an easy out - keep all communication and the fact they are friends obvious to you by being open an honest.

He wasn’t sparing you anything, he was doing what he wanted, now he’s blaming you for the way he did it. He’s admitted he knew it would make you uncomfortable, because it would make any partner uncomfortable. He decided to meet up despite knowing this. This situation is all on him. You still feel sad because he’s proved himself untrustworthy. Maybe book some counselling for you to work through this and decide what you want and whether you can move past this? You don’t need to decide straight away, take your time to work through it.

I'm not sure I believe that he met her boyfriend. Why would that not have come up as soon as you make him aware you were uncomfortable because surely that would have made you feel better.
He's hiding a lot of shit I think op, and I really hope for your sake he comes clean or you find some other way to fix things if you plan to stay with him.

[quote pizzaandcats]@hazandduck I'm 29 now and he's 26, we've been together for 8 years[/quote]
Oh dear god, OP. Somehow I imagined you were both older. From the perspective of someone who has experienced something similar, I’d say get out now. In your own time of course. This is too young to settle for such shit. Of course any age is, but 29/26 definitely is. Dear god, these men!

If he’s fucking around like this at 26, I truly wouldn’t want to see him at 46.

Isn't it funny how men only ever choose pretty, attractive colleagues to be 'friends' with.

Never plain or unattractive women.