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Original poster

DH had lunch with another woman

999 replies

pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP posts:
2LittleSpeckledFrogs · 15/12/2020 11:24

I agree with all the others that the only way you can be totally sure is to ask the boyfriend. If he confirms the story, then from her side at least it's a bit more innocent. But still doesn't change your DH's potential feelings. If the boyfriend knows nothing, obviously that's a deal breaker.

Clementine183 · 15/12/2020 11:34

Realistically though I would imagine it's going to be pretty difficult to get in touch with the boyfriend, and I have to say that it would be quite a full-on move - if this IS ultimately no more than your DH getting a bit carried away with a crush then it feels too much to me, not really fair on the co-worker (if she is telling the truth about the boyfriend being there, that is... which I know is difficult to judge without finding out from him, so it's a bit circular).

My perspective is that he definitely should have been open from the start about where he was going, and the confusion over paying for the food/transferring the money is odd. The rest of it I wouldn't take too seriously. The flirtation seems to have been pretty minor from the messages you saw - in an ideal world it wouldn't happen at all and definitely worth taking a stand over, but not a divorceable offence in my opinion. My gut feeling is he fancies her a bit, she maybe enjoys the attention, they've taken it a little bit too far but it hasn't got too out of hand, and if she's telling the truth about him meeting the boyfriend I think that speaks volumes to be honest. I could be wrong of course.

Clementine183 · 15/12/2020 11:38

P.S. Also meant to say that it's possible that by "paid for themselves" he simply meant that neither of them bought lunch for the other (i.e. she went up to the counter, but he paid her back). Sorry, not meaning to sound like your DH's apologist but I know it is easy for every little thing to spiral and seem incredibly suspicious - I do think it is worth bearing in mind that some things may have innocent explanations.

Lordamighty · 15/12/2020 11:45

He’d clearly developed a bit of a crush on her. She may have enjoyed the attention but it doesn’t seem any more than that from her side.

Candleabra · 15/12/2020 11:51

I too wonder if the boyfriend has been thrown in out of desperation to make it look ok. He's also providing you with a lot of weirdly detailed information about this all of a sudden, yet still failing to address your actual concerns. His version of events is starting to look incredibly implausible.

frazzledasarock · 15/12/2020 11:52

Oh god don’t call the boyfriend.

If things were as your DH is saying and work colleague has confirmed it. You’ll be the crazy jealous harpy if you then go chasing down the boyfriend to get his version.

It look to me like your DH has a crush on this colleague and she is playing up to it a bit. So in his head meeting for lunch was a guilty thing that would upset you so he lied.

I honestly think right now you need to decide do you want to move forward with your relationship or call it quits. If you feel that even after the colleague verifying your DH’s account you don’t trust him. Then you need to consider how you want to resolve this.

Maybe you both would benefit from marriage counselling. I can’t imagine the toll going through ivf must be taking on you both. And lockdown and covid etc.

It seems like you are both under a lot of stress. And your DH acted stupidly trying not to upset you.

If in eight years you have never felt a reason to mistrust him. I think this time give him the benefit of the doubt. It does seem that there was nothing in this and he’s doing everything you’ve asked.

I am so sorry you’ve had this episode. I can well imagine how heartbroken I’d be in your position.

justilou1 · 15/12/2020 11:57

I agree that he has a crush, she’s not entirely oblivious, but wouldn’t dream of acting on it. The problem with pretty young things like this is that they don’t give a shit about the consequences of the fallout from their actions... If he makes a fool of himself, she will undoubtedly make a complaint about him at work. Of course, the impact of that affects you and the kids.

InstantCoffeeSavesTheDay · 15/12/2020 11:58

I am not sure about this.

In addition to all the drip feed and the lies.

  1. I don’t think it is established that the boyfriend was there (they can have made up the story together)

  2. I don’t think it is established that they even went for lunch (husband’s car was there the whole time)

  3. I definitely don’t think the boyfriend knows that his girlfriend has been complaining about him to the husband (and been getting so many compliments)

Honestly OP, it seems that you need to try to recover the deleted WhatsApp and emails. And then figure out what to do. You don’t have any children, so it is more straightforward. I worry that you are being made to feel that you are overreacting, that you are forcing your husband to do things and that you are being a bit harsh on him. That is not the case. You are trying to figure out if you want to stay in the marriage.

I think that you need as much information as you can and then take a step back and think about if you want to stay with him and if so under which conditions. It may be that there are some problems in the relationship that you didn’t notice and that your husband’s behaviour is a symptom of those (still not excusable). Ideally your husband should stay with his mum whilst you figure it out.

Then, if you both decide to stay in the marriage, you probably both need to make an effort to save it. However, your husband needs to be very aware of the fact that next time his is staying at his mum’s permanently.

isaidnogetoverit · 15/12/2020 11:59

Now he picked her up? She says he met her boyfriend? Yet during all his explanations he forgot to say oh, I also met the bf - no, I don't think so. He has had days to let her know that they've been caught. She will have been waiting for you to contact her.

The sheer fact you are finding out more and more incriminating information each time you have these heart to hearts screams volumes. He's making shit up as he goes along and blaming your past hurt for your supposed paranoia.

Unless you see all the deleted msgs, and you know you can make him retrieve them, do not believe a word this man says. He and his colleague got caught, simple as that.

Rose87777 · 15/12/2020 12:12

My DH knows I have been cheated on and severely gaslighted in the past. There is NO WAY he would now lie about meeting a female friend like this. The only way to show respect and love here would have to have been totally totally open and honest about it! Does he still not realise how absolutely awful this looks?!!!!

hazandduck · 15/12/2020 12:22

The thing is, OP, if he knew you wouldn’t like it then why did he bloody do it.

I’m so sorry this has happened and just before Christmas too :( sending strength your way x

C0NNIE · 15/12/2020 12:28

How is having a secret relationship and meet up with another woman “trying not to upset you”?

Oh and repeatedly lying about it. Are these the actions of a man who doesn't want to upset his wife ?

Camenon · 15/12/2020 12:37

He seems incapable of telling the truth. It looks worse with every post.

WTF99 · 15/12/2020 12:42

If he had met the boyfriend surely he would have said this to you at the outset as its pretty supportive of there being nothing going on between them. The fact that it's been added in so late does cast doubt on it being true...

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 15/12/2020 12:43

Oh and repeatedly lying about it. Are these the actions of a man who doesn't want to upset his wife ?
Exactly. He's not thinking about upsetting his wife, he's thinking I need to hide this from the wife as it's crossing a million boundaries. Gaslighting little shithead.

YoniAndGuy · 15/12/2020 12:49

Oh these poor confused 'clueless' men who just don't understand that their sneaky little play-aways might look inappropriate. It's so strange though that when it comes to deleting messages like greased lightning, suddenly they're very not 'clueless' about what might look inappropriate. Righty-ho, he was clueless. Ok.

OP you are clearly going to try and move on from this. I would say, retrieve his messages, but I don't think you want to go there.

You are quite possibly in the same cycle that you had with your ex - people do tend to gravitate towards the same type of person.

As for not telling him who he can be friends with - friends who you lie to your spouse to meet in secret aren't friends, they're people you're playing around with. He cuts contact completely, no fucking about.

It doesn't change anything of course - he's a man who will cheat.

The important stuff: how old are you? If you're coming up to mid 30s or more then no, quite frankly I wouldn't delay TTC. What's the point? To wait and wait until you catch him out again so that you can dump, grieve, date, start all over again then hope to god you can still conceive? In my opinion, it's better to end up divorced with your lovely children than end up without any... and quite possibly still divorced. Children are more important than men and the second you have one you'll understand that. I'd say it was a silver lining.

And as for delaying so that you can 'rebuild' 'have counselling' 'he can explore himself and why he made such bad choices' - pfft. Don't give me that shit. It's as simple as a dog turd. He chanced his arm because he's not as loyal or faithful as you thought. You can still have a relationship with this guy if it's better than the alternative especially when it comes to possibly not having kids if you split now, but you just learn this lesson well that he is not to be trusted. Ever. You know who he is now - the test came and he failed it. Knowledge is power.

Cynical, moi????

Good luck, meant honestly.

Maze76 · 15/12/2020 12:50

Hi op, having read your thread it looks to me like your DH was pushing the boundaries with his colleague and you were right to trust your instincts. It could be that his colleague liked the attention he gave her or she never gave it a second thought, after all she has a boyfriend etc. Just to add , my husband and I went through IVF last year which sadly resulted in miscarriage. Shortly after he began an emotional affair with his colleague which ended up becoming physical. So I think you have absolutely done the right thing, you have not overreacted. Protect yourself 💐

Cantpickausername5 · 15/12/2020 13:07

I have missed a lot of this thread and just catching up but just to clarify, we have gone from team lunch to swap secret santa gift with Co workers, to a quick outside lunch with just her as others didn't show and they some how coincidentally they picked each other as their secret santa, to it was a pre arranged lunch which was always with just her and now gifts are personal gifts, to now going to her house to collect her and park car but oh but now boyfriend was conveniently there.. I mean, Jesus, the lies upon lies. I don't know how you can cope with it all. I think as others have said maybe get some couples council. I really really think more is going to come out. I mean where are all these emails missing since September, the ones he has to physically saveHmm I'm sorry you are going through this, this whole situation would fry anyones brain.

Thismustbelove · 15/12/2020 13:15

Re the bill...he showed you transferring money to her account but was there actually a meal at all?

You need to recover the messages back to September.

My guess is they had something or something happened prob ONS/kissed on a night out that fizzled out, and he is trying to stay friends and is unwilling to cut his ties to her completely which he also showed when he said he couldn’t cut contact due to being work colleagues.

The emails will show him telling her of his marital issues and/or referencing what happened between them and/or his feelings for her which is why he deleted them.

hocuspocus1922 · 15/12/2020 13:17

Him brining up your past is very manipulative. He's trying to turn it hat he done which he knows is wrong but only because he's got caught out on to you . Him sneaking behind your back arse licking her with how pretty she is messages but it's ok tho it's just normal the only reason why I didn't tell you cause it would upset you 😂 wow what a dick

hocuspocus1922 · 15/12/2020 13:17

I don't think there was a meal either

nopenottodaysatan · 15/12/2020 13:22

Sorry op but i think he cheated.
The fact that he is still lying and drip feeding information would be enough to end it for me. You deserve better Thanks

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 15/12/2020 13:25

The money he sent was sent on the Friday that he was out so money was exchanged on the day for some reason

OP posts:
MrsVogon · 15/12/2020 13:27

Bottom line, he's a liar.

YoniAndGuy · 15/12/2020 13:27

Yes I don't get the going to the house bit. My first thought would be that he has a suspicion that he either would have been seen there or you could somehow work out from phone locations etc that he had been there, so he had to work up a story which included being at her home that day just in case.

If so, it's obvious why they were there, and also obvious that, right in the middle of the working day, her boyfriend wasn't.