DH had lunch with another woman

[pizzaandcats]

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

I wondered if there was any meal at all too. He has shown me his bank statement with £20 he's sent to her titled "A" lunch

Why didn't they both just drive to town and exchange presents at lunch??? They were hardly too big to carry around! Why the detour via her house and these complicated logistics to include her house as a stop?

I think you're within rights to ask him to go no contact. Not sure he will and you can't go mad trying to watch his every step and check. But as long as they're not meeting up anytime soon, it will eventually calm down.

Ugh. What a palaver because of his cack handed dealing with the situation.

@pizzaandcats

I wondered if there was any meal at all too. He has shown me his bank statement with £20 he's sent to her titled "A" lunch

What date was that sent?

I feel so bad for you love. It's all the drip feeding of information. It's so cruel. You'll be on edge thinking what's fucking next.

So he has lied about every single thing right from the beginning. And he's acting dumb about it all. So he put so much thought in keeping this from you to 'protect' you given your past , yet didnt think to mention this to you of it was so innocent?? He's even now using your past as an opportunity to worm his way in.
Op he knew EXACTLY where this was going. You catching him in time should be no consolation for you. All it means is that he was stopped from doing what he had already set out to do.
You shouldn't feel relieved at this.
As you say they have no work related reasons to be in contact, yet they both went out of their way to establish this thing between them and take it further.
Op whatever you decide, you need to have your eyes and mind wide open to the knowledge that this man is capable of hurting you very badly - as he has proved it.

@pizzaandcats

I've just told him that I want him to delete her number and delete her from social media. He will be working from home for the foreseeable future and they work on completely separate teams so I've asked him to stop speaking to her at work too. It's a large company so plenty of people they can chat to about annoying customers/life in general without it being each other. Even as I'm saying it I feel like its an overreaction or I'm being controlling but it never would have been this way without the lies. I wouldn't dream of telling him who he can and can't be friends with.

In my experience, he will do the deleting/blocking thing but then a new channel of communication will be set up. This could involve a secret phone. You are not being controlling. You are not telling him who he can and cannot be friends with. This woman is not a 'friend' else you would have known about their meeting, he would have talked about it to you.

I’d be contacting the boyfriend but I think actually I’d probably be reconsidering the whole relationship. I’d also stop TTC immediately just in case. I think he’s treated you appallingly and if the story is true and he DID meet the boyfriend then I think the girl is being honest but your ‘D’H was hoping it would turn in to something more.

@pizzaandcats

I wondered if there was any meal at all too. He has shown me his bank statement with £20 he's sent to her titled "A" lunch

And yet earlier "He told me that it was a case of go up and order your own food then eat outside. They both apparently paid for themselves." He really can't remember which lies he has told you, can he?

@pizzaandcats

I wondered if there was any meal at all too. He has shown me his bank statement with £20 he's sent to her titled "A" lunch

Didn't he already say that they went up and paid for their own food and then ate outside tho?

OP I felt very sad reading this thread, because it felt like an exact replay of my discovery of my exes EA - 3 weeks after I had given birth to our second child. You will go through a huge range of emotions, and you may even find there's more to come on the drip feeding. I certainly did but still forgave him. I didn't forgive him when he went on to do it again two years later.

Whatever you decide to do, please know that this isn't your fault, you aren't paranoid, and he's a liar. He's made the choice to chase someone, the choice to lie about it and I sincerely hope that you can see that this is entirely his doing.

Just told him that I've written it exactly as he told me (he knows I'm putting this all on MN - I DONT keep secrets from him). He is saying "I don't know why I would tell you that". Still did though so....

Fuck me, more lies

Speak to the BF, I don't think he has a clue what's going on or who your husband is.

They likely stopped off for a quick fumble, then onto lunch

@pizzaandcats I’m so, so sorry you are going through this. It is crazy-making torture of the worst kind.

Men can have friendships with women. This is perfectly normal and part of life. Men in a committed relationship cannot have friendships with women that they have to lie about. Lies mean lines have been crossed. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
I know that it is very hard to believe that your husband of eight years would do this, having never given you any reason to doubt before. You drive yourself crazy in your head thinking, “He can’t be doing this, he just can’t.” Then you look at what has happened and it looks very much like he can and he is. My husband had an affair in the 29th year of our marriage which I thought was rock solid. He was the guy who would never, ever do this to me. So much so that even when I first found out and I had the evidence, I still wanted to believe his minimising and his made up crap about what had actually been going on. If he’d grown a second head I’d have been less shocked. He couldn’t possibly, ever do this to me. He could and he did.

Please try to see that he has lied many times to you because he wanted to have an inappropriate relationship with this woman. No other reason. Not because he was worried about you taking it the wrong way or because of your past (subtle victim blaming and guilt transference here) but because he wanted to do something he shouldn’t and didn’t care what he said in order to achieve it.
It’s not unreasonable to ask him to cut all contact with her and not unreasonable to ask him to look for another job, if you want to stay in the marriage and think that this is a crazy one off rather than who he really is. Only you know that. I’m a firm believer in a second chance but you only get one.
If he sees this as too much, remind him that he is responsible for these requests from you. Not insecurity on your part or unreasonable demands or jealousy. His lies and deceit mean he now has to show full commitment to you and your marriage, be totally transparent (for a while until he can he trusted) and show full remorse. He also has to look at his own issues which led him to do this. Neither you nor the state of your marriage are responsible for his inappropriate behaviour. Having issues in a marriage gives no one the right to cheat. He has to sort through the mental gymnastics and stories he told himself to quiet his conscience and make it ok with himself to do this. Not you. The onus is all his.

It is very hard but please try not to contact this woman again. If it is possible she is enjoying the attention from your husband, then receiving worried attention from you gives her the idea that she might be preferred to you. It will be music to her ears. If they are getting off on the secrecy, thrill of the danger and manipulation, you getting involved will be the icing on the cake. Maintain distance and silence now where she is concerned. Give her no more airtime. Try hard not to look at her social media. There madness lies, believe me.

Do not allow sweeping under the carpet. Lines were crossed. This all needs discussing thoroughly with clear boundaries set. You seem to have put this in motion which is spot on. After that (the hard part for a while) you have to concentrate on the future, not be the marriage police or Sherlock Holmes, not compare yourself, not lose weight for anyone other than yourself and not do a pick-me dance, or a from-the-ground -up makeover.
This is from a woman who did all those things and is not proud of herself for it.
You are enough, OP. If he doesn’t realise or appreciate that, it is his loss and he should go.
Stay strong and use the support of anyone you trust enough to share this with. It is a very hard thing to deal with and lonely to do on your own, so be kind to yourself. Sending love X

If anything OP, regardless of your current relationship woes, he probably needs to go to a CBT practitioner to unpick why he feels compelled to tell lies.

I couldn’t trust someone after this, at all.
Lies after lies.

So disrespectful. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

Also, him bringing up your past.
He’s making you question yourself.

Disgraceful.

You need a very good memory to be a liar. He's told so many lies he's forgetting what he said.

I still don't think you've got the full story from him.

I mean, he now went to her house and they shared a car journey.

It's the drip drip of info all the time. He's also not really taking any responsibility.

Have you seen the full Teams chats yet? And has he explained the deleted emails?

I feel sad for you. He broke this.

If there was nothing to hide, why did he hide it? And why is he still hiding it?

OP, i don't like him hiding stuff from you, but the actual events with his colleague you are describing are quite innocent. Especially given he picked her up in a car where he met her boyfriend.
I don't know what events in the past he was referring to, do you have previous with extreme jealousy? Or does he have previous with cheating?
Unlike many posters I can't see anything sinister in his behaviour, for me it looks like he was hiding all these from you because he thought you will get over jealous because he is meeting his femail colleague 1-2-1..stupid thing to do though.
Messaging his colleague for me is a massive issue.. If it was done to me I would probably leave.

Iwonder08 yes I was cheated on and took my ex back twice after he coated before calling it quits. This was about 8 months before I met DH and I was still quite damaged by it. DH caught me checking his Facebook messages once early into our relationship (I found nothing untoward) and we had a proper heart to heart about it. It was all behind us or so I thought. I never checked up on him again in 8 years and I truly trusted him or I'd never have married him. We are the kind of couple who genuinely enjoy spending almost all of our time together, we have our own friends who we each see and we have a group of friends together. I probably would have been a little apprehensive at him going out 1-2-1 with her but that's something I would have to deal with. I wouldn't have stopped him, especially not if the lead up and beginnings of the friendship had been open and honest.

@Iwonder08 sorry I meant to tag you

OP, is there anything you think your DH might say to you now that would let you move one from these events? In the way that you would feel confident and won't have an urge to check his messages, work emails etc?

I think it would never have gone anywhere because her being open about it with her BF says a lot. From her POV, she was only interested friendship. However, she has been naiive to think it's ok to continue the friendship after he has sent her, let's call them, 'overtly flattering' texts ( you've referenced the odd text where he has done this, so it's all there is to go off as he's deleted the rest).
Yes, it can be fine for men and women to be friends, but not if one of them develops more feelings. It's foolish to try and continue a friendship once it's known that that is where it's heading for the other person. I do prefer myself being friends with men, it's more comfortable somehow and I have more in common, not being a girly girl myself. However, to me, finding out someone had an ulterior motive for being friends with me, would be a great disappointment, and I'd back off from it. You want your friends to be interested in you for the right reasons.
I think some counselling would be best for you going forward, why your DH was open at this point to having his head turned, needs exploring. Have the pressures of TTC had an effect? House issues? Covid and MH?
There are going to be other pressures once you have conceived, you need to know that your DH is not the type of man who will look elsewhere when things get harder in a relationship. You need to take time to suss out how committed he is as a person. This may be a one off, he may have learnt a lot of lessons, but maybe not also. Your tricky task now is to work out what kind of man he is, can he be relied on in future?

Wonder what the boyfriend thinks of the work colleague who turned up at the house bearing thoughtful presents worth £25 for his girlfriend. And who then went into town with his girlfriend for a date-like look around the Christmas lights and a meal. That is if he was even there, which I highly doubt.
OP, I really feel for you, and think the nub of this might lie in contacting the boyfriend (who probably knows nothing of this elaborately concocted story).

Why don't you contact her bf? How can you be certain that he met your dh? You have just taken her word for it. They could be both lying for all you know. Your dh has proved he is a liar and she doesn't owe you anything really to be honest with you.
He has now brought her bf into it to make it all seem so innocent.

You can get a hotel room for £40 atm

The issue with lying is you're going to question everything.

The coworker had been complaining about her boyfriend to your DH.
A couple of months of messages had disappeared.

You contacted her but you don't know if she's telling the truth either. They've had time to come up with a story.

Now the further reveal that he actually went over to her house and left his car there.
Is that a cover for if someone saw his car there?

I'm also curious what date he transferred the money to her.
It's another thing he lied about as he said they both paid cash for their own food. PPs questioned them sitting out freezing having lunch.

My guess is that the next reveal is that he went over to her house and the boyfriend wasn't there. It was on a weekday at lunch.
Does her boyfriend work during the day?

I'm so very sorry he is still doing this to you.