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Original poster

DH had lunch with another woman

999 replies

pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP posts:
ThePoetsWife · 15/12/2020 08:05

What a load of BS.

He obviously was hoping for more from this 'friendship' than she did.

He didn't tell you because he knew he was being inappropriate.

Until he takes full responsibility and stops lying, rebuilding trust is going to be impossible.

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 15/12/2020 08:05

Before he finally admitted that there was no "two other colleagues" he gave me a run through if the day. He actually drove to her house, they swapped presents, she left hers in the house and he put his in his car. That's when he met the boyfriend. She then drove them into town. I've seen the planning of that in their messages. She asks if work or town is a shorter drive for him and then offers to drive them to town from her house (right near their office) as she has a parking permit for her sister's house right next to the city centre.

OP posts:
Marmozet · 15/12/2020 08:16

@pizzaandcats

Before he finally admitted that there was no "two other colleagues" he gave me a run through if the day. He actually drove to her house, they swapped presents, she left hers in the house and he put his in his car. That's when he met the boyfriend. She then drove them into town. I've seen the planning of that in their messages. She asks if work or town is a shorter drive for him and then offers to drive them to town from her house (right near their office) as she has a parking permit for her sister's house right next to the city centre.
Oh god how much more does he still need to reveal?
doodles17 · 15/12/2020 08:23

Pizza Iv sent you a message 😘

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 15/12/2020 08:29

I've just told him that I want him to delete her number and delete her from social media. He will be working from home for the foreseeable future and they work on completely separate teams so I've asked him to stop speaking to her at work too. It's a large company so plenty of people they can chat to about annoying customers/life in general without it being each other. Even as I'm saying it I feel like its an overreaction or I'm being controlling but it never would have been this way without the lies. I wouldn't dream of telling him who he can and can't be friends with.

OP posts:
MrsMarrio · 15/12/2020 08:32

@pizzaandcats did he agree?

2LittleSpeckledFrogs · 15/12/2020 08:33

Meeting her bf and the fact she was clearly more upfront with him does suggest it was certainly more one-sided on your partner's side than hers. But I think your reaction is 100% the right one, and if he loves you he will understand it. As will she.

Beefcurtains79 · 15/12/2020 08:33

He’s a real piece of work isn’t he. OP don’t let him ruin your life, he has sadly shown you who he is and who he expects you to be in this marriage.

movingonup20 · 15/12/2020 08:39

I would suggest deleting from social media is fine but deleting her number as they are colleagues is too much (anyway he can just write it down if he really wanted) nothing happened, she's not interested (even if he was) and I would try to rebuild from this point, rather than controlling his contacts, I would guide his apologetic behaviour towards all those outstanding chores etc that need doing, use the opportunity!

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 15/12/2020 08:39

He has agreed. He initially said "but we still work together" so I've reminded him that actually they don't. Their work does not cross over. They work for a large company which has many different teams doing completely different things for a different customer base. If he'd had an open friendship then they'd still be able to continue on with it now. His lies have put an end to that and he needs to choose me now

OP posts:
Original poster
pizzaandcats · 15/12/2020 08:41

@movingonup20 they don't have any reason to contact each other about work. They're in totally separate jobs within an umbrella company. According to him they've never actually used each others phone numbers anyway so the number can go

OP posts:
Beefcurtains79 · 15/12/2020 08:42

I bet he was gutted when her boyfriend answered her front door.
He really can’t afford to park in town for few hours eh? Had to leave the car at hers?;

MizMoonshine · 15/12/2020 08:43

OP. It's not an over reaction to want security, which he has shown you you don't have.
It might be worth scheduling a few sessions of couples therapy.
For you, to deal with the previous hurt you have experienced so you can stop second guessing your feelings going forward and for him to help him establish boundaries in his relationship with other people.

SparklingLime · 15/12/2020 09:02

He still maintains they are friends and that he's been clueless about their conversations being inappropriate. He insists that (although he now knows it was wrong) he was trying to spare me what he knew would make me worried and maybe upset because of my past but that it would be worry over nothing as they really are just friends. I am starting to believe that but still not quite...

But why? If we take his words as true, why did he pursue this friendship if he thought - given your background - it would be upsetting and so require hiding from you? Hiding which required lying to you.

What about it made it important enough to lead him to lie to his DW?

TheWayOfTheWorld · 15/12/2020 09:05

Forgive me for my cynicism, but he drove to her house and her boyfriend was conveniently there (according to them).

The only person who can confirm that is the boyfriend, otherwise they could just as easily be concocting this up between themselves.

There is an awful lot of logistics planning going on between them involving him going to her place Hmm

TwentyViginti · 15/12/2020 09:10

Indeed. Was the boyfriend really there?

Why are your husband and her so close if they don't even work together?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 15/12/2020 09:16

How much would parking have been for a couple of hours? Wanker

Plastichearts · 15/12/2020 09:19

So now he went to her house? Hmm.

Skittlebug · 15/12/2020 09:22

alarm bells

Message her boyfriend. I wouldn't believe DH's radio at this point.

aeiouaeiouaeiou · 15/12/2020 09:24

No matter how you look at this op he's been very deceitful. Can you live with that?

SevenSnobsASniping · 15/12/2020 09:41

This man waved his girlfriend off to go have lunch and look at Christmas lights with a colleague who had come to their home with presents for her? Is that not a little bit odd?

Rock3pillo · 15/12/2020 09:45

I don't want to read and run because I feel if I had been 'armed' with knowledge prior to my experience it would have helped me.

My husband left me after only a couple of months of marriage (together for a number of years prior to this) for a colleague. In the months before there were numerous signs I missed (the late working was a big one). He also socialised with his colleague and her husband on a number of occasions (this was later used as a reason why they 'couldn't possibly be having a affair') I was even invited to a few of these but never went....

I have no doubt in my mind how it started and escalated (drinks with work mates which eventually turned into drinks together alone, discussions about each other's marriages etc, late night messaging). The lying and the gaslighting when I discovered the affair is something I will never ever forgive him for. I can sadly accept that people have affairs but what I could not accept is my husband lying to my face when I found concrete evidence.

What I can say is I'm 2 years out the other end, in a relationship with an amazing man and feel very fortunate to not be in that relationship any longer. In the beginning I'd have done anything to have 'won' and got him back but over time I've realised I could never be in a relationship with somebody that could do that to me. I didn't have an option as he chose her, but I can completely sympathise with how difficult a decision it is for women to forgive and move on.

In my opinion the minute you discuss your relationship/ confide with a member of the opposite sex you have crossed a line and whilst it's a scary prospect to not forgive and be on your own, I promise you it gets better!

Feel free to pm me if you ever want a chat!

MrsGrindah · 15/12/2020 09:46

I really fear you are giving him far more trust than he deserves. I understand completely. You don’t want to be in this situation and you don’t want your marriage to end. But he is utterly and totally lying to you and treating you like shit.

missrks · 15/12/2020 09:50

I call bollocks on her BF meeting him! She will just be saying that so you don't contact him.

Boonlark · 15/12/2020 09:51

That update has alarm bells ringing for me. So now he's saying he went to her house. Does he have receipts for the money spent on the meal? As I'm wondering whether there was any meal at all.