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Original poster

DH had lunch with another woman

999 replies

pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP posts:
Nymeriastark1 · 14/12/2020 10:30

The only reason an affair hasn't happened yet is because of her. He's been doing the chasing, she's been down playing it. If she had thrown herself at him at any point he would of slept with her. Without a doubt. This is all on him. Sorry op.Sad

YoniAndGuy · 14/12/2020 10:33

By the way, it is pretty obvious that you will forgive this because yes of course it's pretty damn difficult -what do you do when you know you have another one who is a cheat at heart - who intended to cheat - but you probably caught it before it became physical so there is nothing to provide that cast-iron justification? I do not know the answer to that. I would say that if this ends up meaning that you have lost respect and love for him then you have every right at some point to simply shrug and say, sorry, it's over, I just don't feel the same way about you since the X situation.

Horrible situation. That you will KNOW that that lunch was full of innuendos, long looks, mutual little jokes - both of them getting off on being together. It wouldn't be possible for me to then feel the same way about him so I do not know what to say to that.

LubaLuca · 14/12/2020 10:38

I think he's made a complete fool of himself. She clearly isn't interested in him in that way, but perhaps felt she had to be polite (but she sensibly didn't encourage him). Hopefully she's too embarrassed by the whole thing to tell anyone at work that they went for lunch and exchanged presents.

zzizz · 14/12/2020 10:39

You absolutely can't lead a life going forward of wanting to monitor him, that way madness lies.

I actually wonder if he should move away for a bit still? You could work on reconnecting and rebuilding trust again and also have some time apart to think if this relationship is what you really want.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 14/12/2020 10:39

@pizzaandcats

Update for you this morning (and I'm sure I'll be slated for this). DH was packed and ready to go but didn't actually go to his mums as we needed to talk about everything and him being gone would just stall that. I also didn't want him to have more time to scroll through his Microsoft Teams work messages without me there. He showed me his phone last night which had no WhatsApp, texts or Facebook messages on it from her. He showed me his Teams messages this morning (and really didn't want to but I told him it was that or he could go and not come back) there are loads of messages each day, mainly work related but chatty and informal too. Some too close for comfort including her complaining about her boyfriend and her insecurities and him reminding her she deserves the best and is an attractive girl. From what I could see she played this down each time "stop it my head will get too big" etc. He also tells her she's his favourite person in the company. The plan to eat was there for me to see and was only made 2 days before. It really was just, "we're both off on Friday, do you want to grab some food so we can swap these presents?" And then details on where they'd meet and what time etc. She had to go home at 2 and they only planned to meet up at 12. No mention of lust or flirting or a plan to both keep the meet up between them in any of the messages. I'm seriously conflicted. They are too friendly and I have listed to him all the ways that he was wrong (commenting on her appearance, picking favourites, presents too intimate, lying to me etc etc) he says he's going to tell her what he's done and distance himself now. He also told his mum yesterday what a prat he'd been. I don't think he's had an affair but I also don't know if he actually will tell her that he lied to me to meet her or if he'll stop talking to her. His work laptop won't let you log on without sending a code to your mobile so I can't ever sneak a look. If I start asking him for a look then he can just delete messages
Anyone who has been through this won't slate you . These are VERY early days and you need time to process all of this . I'm afraid you have left it too late to look at his phone though ! Re the office e mails yes he has been enjoying the flirting and this is how these things start . Some people can move on from these things and others can't . Some will try to continue and find later that it is just not possible. Tomorrow you may wake up and be fucking angry . Your brain is just trying to make sense of this right now and you have said you are frightened of being on your own . Only you will know how much of this you can take and you will only know this in time .
VivaMiltonKeynes · 14/12/2020 10:43

@Cantpickausername5

Not an affair, not even an emotional affair.. Yet. But definitely the very very beginning of something. Those comments about her looks and her beginning his favourite are just way to close to the border for comfort. You nipped it in the bud but it will take a long time to have trust in him again. And I would be telling him no way is he to have contact outside of work with her. Full stop. Could you both sit down and compose a text to her explaining that how some of his comments where inappropriate to someone who is just a work friend, that he never told you about there meetings outside of work and that you are now uncomfortable with there friendship and he will now be distancing himself?
It most definitely is an emotional affair .
YoniAndGuy · 14/12/2020 10:44

OP, google how to restore deleted whatsapps.

First thing to do would be to get his phone and passwords (if he won't, it's over) then follow the instructions - sounds like you basically delete and reinstall whatsapp, then ask it to restore from the cloud.

Worth a shot...

VeryOdd · 14/12/2020 10:46

Very much sounds like an office crush on his part that was just about to tip over into something if she'd let it. Tbh she's probably using him for an ego boost but who knows what would happen if she broke up with the boyfriend. The problem is you'll never know what they said to one another on the 'friend-date.' Nor will it be easy to know he is capable of lying like that. What an utterly horrible position he's put you in.

TallTowerFan · 14/12/2020 10:51

You won't be slated at all op.

So what's your feeling after you've talked again?

The only thing I will say is that you need to be sure that you trust him to be loyal. You're trying for a baby , and if you have one with him you'll be especially vulnerable. After the birth you'll be sore , bleeding and wearing your baggiest clothing. You need someone that has your back at this time , more than ever.

Take care op.

MizMoonshine · 14/12/2020 10:53

@pizzaandcats

You're not going to get slated. This is your life. Your life with your husband and your very real feelings.

Don't rush to do anything. It probably would be good to send him to his mother's still, to put some space between you and clear your head. You should not be displaced from your home for his actions.

Your husband has broken trust. This is what it boils down to. He has taken your trust and betrayed you, whether or not it is a physical or emotional affair is irrelevant. The lies are what matter.

He has shown you a lack of respect. He has then lied at every opportunity, until absolutely backed into a corner.

If you choose to leave him for his behaviour, you wouldn't be over reacting.

However, if this is a relationship that you want to save, you absolutely can. Its a difficult road but it's doable.

The point is that it's your choice.

MrsMarrio · 14/12/2020 11:07

He hasn't done anything that you both can't work past. And you were right to keep him at home before he could delete anything. Maybe he was hoping something would eventually happen but hopefully this has made him realise what he will lose. I'd act like it's forgotten about to him but be mindful and vigilant in the future. If he's intent on still maintaining whatever this is with this colleague then he will most likely slip up again.

SparklingLime · 14/12/2020 11:09

@Beefcurtains79

Why does he need to tell her what he’s done? I mean she already knows as it was to her? He will just make himself look even sadder and more desperate if he admits lying to his wife to be with her.
So? He has been sad and desperate. It’s not OP’s job to protect his reputation.
Skittlebug · 14/12/2020 11:11

I second what talltowerfan said, delay ttc. It won't patch up your relationship but will exacerbate the flaws. You need someone to guard the cave door and not be a double-crossing lying bastard. Hope he sorts his shit out, but deep down I think it would be too much for me the fact that he was the one doing the chasing. Bet you feel like you hardly know him don't you? No judgment here tho, I stayed with someone after discovering alot of infidelity, some of which could have seriously put my health at risk... we broke up two years later, I began to hate and resent him and I myself cheated three times (totally out of character) before I threw the towel in. Not proud of myself but Blush

2LittleSpeckledFrogs · 14/12/2020 11:27

Hmm those Teams messages support what I said in PM, Pizza - he's got an emotional attachment, she's just been a bit flirty. It can definitely be stopped at this stage IF you want to....I think he needs to be able to honestly admit what has allowed him to even get this attached to another woman.

YoniAndGuy · 14/12/2020 11:36

he needs to be able to honestly admit what has allowed him to even get this attached to another woman

Well that's easy - the fact that he doesn't have the strength of character and loyalty to his wife not to?

Like it or not that's the bottom line and that's why this isn't about technicalities - ''oh but he hasn't actually done anything''

If he was a faithful and honest partner this thread would not exist and that meeting wouldn't have happened.

That is what matters.

amisupposedtoeat · 14/12/2020 11:44

@MrsMarrio

He hasn't done anything that you both can't work past. And you were right to keep him at home before he could delete anything. Maybe he was hoping something would eventually happen but hopefully this has made him realise what he will lose. I'd act like it's forgotten about to him but be mindful and vigilant in the future. If he's intent on still maintaining whatever this is with this colleague then he will most likely slip up again.
Personally I couldn't work past it. I would never get that personal with another man, call him attractive, buy him gifts, meet up behind my husbands back. If you're doing that you know exactly what you're doing and you're doing it with intent, hence the lies. If my dh did that to me it would be over. The trust would be killed.
EpochTime · 14/12/2020 11:49

@YoniAndGuy

he needs to be able to honestly admit what has allowed him to even get this attached to another woman

Well that's easy - the fact that he doesn't have the strength of character and loyalty to his wife not to?

Like it or not that's the bottom line and that's why this isn't about technicalities - ''oh but he hasn't actually done anything''

If he was a faithful and honest partner this thread would not exist and that meeting wouldn't have happened.

That is what matters.

I think what YoniandGuy says here is probably the most important reminder we are every likely to read on threads like these. The explanation is so simplistic yet so true. Pretty much all of us will get tempted at some stage so it does indeed boil down to strength of character and loyalty, both of which could be described as love in action when words are cheap.
NettleTea · 14/12/2020 11:54

there is a book called 'just good friends' by, I think, Shirley Glass

Might be worth getting and working through it.

He hasnt done the dirty yet. But he seems to have been setting the groundwork. And the problem doesnt appear to be her (well, to be honest it never is, because she doesnt owe you anything) but is definately firmly at his feet - how he has excused himself and made it be OK in his mind. I have not read the book, but believe that it really gets to the bottom of why he may feel entitled to do this, and the work HE needs to do to fix it and ensure it doesnt happen again.

The big red flag is not the meal, not the presents, not even the lying. But the fact that there was a moment when it was being arranged when he acknowleged that you would not like it (and he knew that, and he knew WHY, because his feelings were involved, so he knew it wasnt simply a lunch with a colleague) and he chose to hide it and carry on anyway.

Good luck OP.

I think if I was in your position, I would still push for him to leave for a while. Even if you want to try to work on this, I think he possibly needs a real hard shock to understand both the severity of his behaviour and to understand what he may have risked in doing it.

You could say that you really need some time alone to process what this means for your mariage, without him in your ear trying to influence your options. Take back the power.

sofato5miles · 14/12/2020 11:59

This sounds like a crush that got way out of hand. Your completely justifiable reaction may be enough to shock him.into learning from it.

Well done for following your instincts. I am impressed he told his mother too, think that is a good sign. I would delay TTC for a while and see how the dust settles and how you feel later on. You can make whichever choice you want to then.

WTF99 · 14/12/2020 12:01

I'm surprised about the opinion that he's doing all the chasing and she's not interested in him.
She's bought him a present, gone for 1:1 lunch, engaged in lengthy messaging where she's confided about dissatisfaction with her boyfriend (isn't he a lucky guy!), talked about her insecurities eliciting compliments that she then shows false modesty over. Sounds like mutual flirting to me that they have both actively engaged in.
I'm sorry you're going through this op.....you've done the right thing to confront him with it.

InstantCoffeeSavesTheDay · 14/12/2020 12:14

If I kept complaining to a man about my husband, kept getting compliments about my personality and looks I would not consider that innocent. If that man wanted to meet me for lunch, alone, and exchange Christmas presents I would not go unless I was at least open to toying with the idea of an affair.

As a reference, I had coffee with a former colleague who had been made redundant and wanted to catch up. I went - and mentioned it to my husband. This man then proceeded to complain that his wife wasn’t looking after herself and wasn’t caring about her looks after having their (then 7month old) baby. My advice to this man was to get a baby sitter, buy his wife a really nice dress and take her out for a nice dinner. Then I left. I didn’t tell my husband but I never saw my former colleague again. He sent an email saying that he appreciated talking during a tough time in his life. I never responded. I have no time at all for men (or women) who complain about their spouses to anyone of the opposite sex.

Amberheartkitty · 14/12/2020 12:48

I don’t necessarily agree that men shouldn’t complain to a woman. I’m the only woman in an all male work environment and they do tend to talk to me and ask advice on their relationships. I guess a woman’s perspective?
I certainly do not meet up or exchange gifts or other forms of communication. I certainly don’t get compliments or flirtatious vibes from any of the staff. It’s done during breaks and lunches in an open environment.
Op I hope you can find peace. Whatever you decide to do.

sadie9 · 14/12/2020 13:22

"I also didn't want him to have more time to scroll through his Microsoft Teams work messages without me there"
You can't control his every move.
Maybe you are afraid to let him out of your sight because you can't trust him.

loveyoutothemoon · 14/12/2020 13:32

An emotional affair. If she wasnt interested, she wouldn't have replied about her head being too big, she wouldn't have met up with him, she wouldn't have made the favourite person comment.

And how do you know that nothing happened between them when they met up for lunch? It's good that he's going to put some distance between them and I think that you need some time apart.

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 14/12/2020 13:35

@sadie9

"I also didn't want him to have more time to scroll through his Microsoft Teams work messages without me there" You can't control his every move. Maybe you are afraid to let him out of your sight because you can't trust him.
Yes you're right but it is all still very fresh. If I still feel this way down the line I'll know there's no saving us
OP posts: