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Original poster

DH had lunch with another woman

999 replies

pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP posts:
Skittlebug · 14/12/2020 00:02

Thinking of you op, many of us can relate to how you must be feeling. Hope your ok

musicalfrog · 14/12/2020 00:03

What an absolute fkn arsehole. Im sorry OP. I originally gave him the benefit of the doubt but your gut was right. Just shows you've got your own back huh. You will be fine without him, actually you'll be bloody brilliant without him. You sound like an exceptional human being.

Thismustbelove · 14/12/2020 00:19

I hope you are ok OP.

I’m sure you are feeling absolutely confused, angry and heartbroken this evening. Your world has turned upside down without warning. I hope you have some real life support.

Imo you may as well ask to see the messages because you are already assuming the worst and can no longer believe what he says. You are entitled to make your decisions about your future based on facts not lies.

Then give yourself the time and space to decide what you want next. Please don’t allow him to wheedle his way back until you have had the time to process what happened and have a clear direction on what you want/are prepared to live with yourself. What you decide next will change the course of your life and strangers on the internet, while supportive, are not living your life.

Confide in real friends and family and take your time.

bluebell34567 · 14/12/2020 00:23

I hope he's not doing this, but be wary of him, if there is no remorse or trying on his part he may be forcing you to throw him out.... then it's your fault in his eyes.

MsDogLady · 14/12/2020 00:25

He’s been having an illicit adventure with A and has been treating you with utter contempt. You were wise to set your boundary and tell him to leave, Pizza. He needs a consequence and to feel the loss of you, and you need time/space to process all this.

He is a selfish man who feels entitled to cheat, lie and manipulate. He alone is responsible for his unethical choices. When you didn’t accept his initial lie and refused to back down, he scrambled to control the narrative to protect his secrets and get you back in line. He used a multitude of tactics in his attempts to manipulate you. He has quite the repertoire.

You won’t be able to move forward with him until you have the whole story and he takes full responsibility for his betrayal, with remorse. For starters, the deleted work emails would need to be retrieved and viewed with the Teams messages without his interference. The problem is that he is very slippery, so it is highly doubtful that he will come completely clean about the past or provide full transparency in the future.

Personally, I would end things now, as I would no longer respect or trust him. I’d never feel safe with him again.

oldshoeuk · 14/12/2020 00:47

If I brought a gift it wouldn't be a 2021 diary, do you know if that's the truth? I certainly wouldn't pursue someone romantically with a gift like that.

Windmillwhirl · 14/12/2020 00:54

Told him that in my eyes lying about going to meet another woman in secret and even going as far as to make up a fake story about it for weeks before hand IS cheating

100% correct. Good for you, op. I think time apart is needed for you to process all this.

It sounds, as many have said, that this IS an emotional affair and leading to possibly more down the line as each other moved the goalposts. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

I'm sure in his own mind he has convinced himself it was nothing, but bottom line is he lied to you about meeting another woman for a cosy pre-Christmas meal together. I'd be livid in your shoes, but equally disappointed in him and sad.

He has been a total fool and I'm very glad you trusted your gut instinct and are not minimizing his behaviour and burying your head in the sand. He deceived you and lied about it. It's all on him.

ClaireP20 · 14/12/2020 01:04

Trust your gut instinct and stop putting yourself down about the way you feel.

It's inappropriate. You know it. This isn't about having lunch with a female colleague at all, it's about how he has gone about it. Don't mention the present again, make him think you've forgotten it. But get it open. And come back and tell us..xx

ClaireP20 · 14/12/2020 01:06

@musicalfrog

What an absolute fkn arsehole. Im sorry OP. I originally gave him the benefit of the doubt but your gut was right. Just shows you've got your own back huh. You will be fine without him, actually you'll be bloody brilliant without him. You sound like an exceptional human being.
This. Sorry OP. Hope you're ok x
PartoftheProbl3m · 14/12/2020 02:05

No one could want to sleep with a man who buys an £8 necklace

RantyAnty · 14/12/2020 04:02

I'm sorry this has gotten even worse. Flowers

It's good you sent him to his mums.
I also understand not wanting to talk or look for more evidence. You're in shock from his lies and betrayal.

Many of us, including myself, have been through this sneaky "just friends" gaslighting bs.

Notice the female work just friend is seldom 70 year old Mary.

I'm glad you have people IRL to talk to. I knew the messages would be deleted. The team messages will be gone too.
There had to be things said that he wouldn't want you to see.

greenspacesoverthere · 14/12/2020 06:09

How could I be so stupid. How will I trust ANYONE after this?

You weren't and arent stupid. You have done nothing wrong throughout this crazy debacle.

You will trust again. Not him. But you will trust a man again. It won't happen next month, but it will happen. You're young and you have time to work this through and grow.

Please trust ME on this one Thanks

Wantsadvice1978909 · 14/12/2020 07:06

So sorry he’s turned out to be a liar OP, it’s just horrible isn’t it. Unfortunately there isn’t much coming back from something like this as it will always be in the back of your mind and you’ll never truly trust him again. Take some time for yourself please x

LucyLocketsPocket · 14/12/2020 08:23

So sorry too OP. The trust has been broken. Very difficult to repair.

Redtartanshoes · 14/12/2020 08:26

Sorry it’s so shit for you.

Trust your instincts.

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 14/12/2020 09:59

Update for you this morning (and I'm sure I'll be slated for this). DH was packed and ready to go but didn't actually go to his mums as we needed to talk about everything and him being gone would just stall that. I also didn't want him to have more time to scroll through his Microsoft Teams work messages without me there. He showed me his phone last night which had no WhatsApp, texts or Facebook messages on it from her. He showed me his Teams messages this morning (and really didn't want to but I told him it was that or he could go and not come back) there are loads of messages each day, mainly work related but chatty and informal too. Some too close for comfort including her complaining about her boyfriend and her insecurities and him reminding her she deserves the best and is an attractive girl. From what I could see she played this down each time "stop it my head will get too big" etc. He also tells her she's his favourite person in the company. The plan to eat was there for me to see and was only made 2 days before. It really was just, "we're both off on Friday, do you want to grab some food so we can swap these presents?" And then details on where they'd meet and what time etc. She had to go home at 2 and they only planned to meet up at 12. No mention of lust or flirting or a plan to both keep the meet up between them in any of the messages. I'm seriously conflicted. They are too friendly and I have listed to him all the ways that he was wrong (commenting on her appearance, picking favourites, presents too intimate, lying to me etc etc) he says he's going to tell her what he's done and distance himself now. He also told his mum yesterday what a prat he'd been. I don't think he's had an affair but I also don't know if he actually will tell her that he lied to me to meet her or if he'll stop talking to her. His work laptop won't let you log on without sending a code to your mobile so I can't ever sneak a look. If I start asking him for a look then he can just delete messages

OP posts:
Beefcurtains79 · 14/12/2020 10:09

Damn, sounds like he’s the one doing the chasing, and she just likes the ego boost- if they aren’t having an affair he was trying to initiate one and it’s only because she’s the one putting the brakes on it hasn’t happened.
Do let him know that he’s now probably also known as the office sleaze.

Beefcurtains79 · 14/12/2020 10:12

Why does he need to tell her what he’s done? I mean she already knows as it was to her? He will just make himself look even sadder and more desperate if he admits lying to his wife to be with her.

litterbird · 14/12/2020 10:14

At least you have your answers for now. Looks like he was the one smitten and she was just a mate. You've had the conversation now, he has been an idiot so hopefully you can try and heal and move on now. Good luck OP. Horrible situation to be in but looks like its resolved......for now.

Cantpickausername5 · 14/12/2020 10:21

Not an affair, not even an emotional affair.. Yet. But definitely the very very beginning of something. Those comments about her looks and her beginning his favourite are just way to close to the border for comfort. You nipped it in the bud but it will take a long time to have trust in him again. And I would be telling him no way is he to have contact outside of work with her. Full stop. Could you both sit down and compose a text to her explaining that how some of his comments where inappropriate to someone who is just a work friend, that he never told you about there meetings outside of work and that you are now uncomfortable with there friendship and he will now be distancing himself?

doodles17 · 14/12/2020 10:21

I know this all too well, sounds very similar to what happened to me, I commented earlier on but again if you do want to chat feel free to message xx

dabbadabbadoooo · 14/12/2020 10:21

Op I have followed this post from the start . I have been cheating on a few times actually . Stupidly kept taking him back . Also was a girl from his office . This is what I think Is going on . She fancies him he fancies her . Unfortunately this happens a lot when people work closely together and in offices . Her mentioning she's attractive if for him to agree with her which will then give her an ego boost . He's loving it cause he's getting some attention from her . I think it was very sneaky that they agreed to go for dinner and I reckon if there was no spark between them they wouldn't of bothered. I 100 percent don't think he's cheated with her at all . But judging by what's gone on and also the necklace that's crossing a line of friendship to someone special . I myself have been through this in work with my boss and I have had to leave jobs . He was married . Woundnt take the hint . He might tell her and they will cool off for a while but as long as he's still working with her they will get the bond back . Or he might tell her and they will continue to talk but he will hide it now . You just need to keep an eye on this op .

dabbadabbadoooo · 14/12/2020 10:24

Just re read and him saying she's an attractive girl and deserves the best 🤢 he is trying to start something with her op . My boss was saying the same slimeball stuff to me ! Married with 2 kids ! A few weeks later admited he has feelings for me and wanted an affair !

blobbyface · 14/12/2020 10:28

Op - almost 3 years ago I was in the same place as you. We've stayed together and I've told dh I don't feel the same. I love him, but it's changed. I trust him again, but I feel disappointed. We've been together 26 years with 4 dc so it was a lot to throw away.

He had a friend - I knew they texted, but I didn't know how much. I couldn't read the messages as most had been deleted - that was what alarmed me as other threads to friends were much longer. I wish I could have read them as my imagination has run wild! I know it wasn't physical as I also read a message from a different friend who asked if anything physical had happened and dh said no.

I don't know what my advice is. Don't rush and wait for your feelings to evolve. At least you've been able to read the messages. I did the whole hysterical bonding thing and then felt angry and then slightly ambivalent towards him.

YoniAndGuy · 14/12/2020 10:29

You've simply caught him before the obvious happened, and it is certainly him angling for it. However, the deleting of the rest of the messages that are private and not on Teams messages that could possibly be read by others would have me looking at the quacking thing and deciding yes, it's a duck.

Can you get back the phone/whatsapp messages?

Cheating slimebag.

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