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Original poster

DH had lunch with another woman

999 replies

pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP posts:
BigBaublesGalore · 13/12/2020 19:11

@Straighttalking1

I was hooked from the beginning, next, next, next, eager to find out what happened. I hoped each disclosure wouldn't end in the colour of her panties. Pizzaandcats, thank you for sharing too. A lesson for all to follow your instincts and communicate ! You've hopefully nipped something in the bud, all the best with him and TTC Wink
Are you serious? Good luck TTC with a lying, gaslighting, cheating man? Nice advice
VenusTiger · 13/12/2020 19:14

Straighttalking1

I was hooked from the beginning, next, next, next, eager to find out what happened. I hoped each disclosure wouldn't end in the colour of her panties. Pizzaandcats, thank you for sharing too. A lesson for all to follow your instincts and communicate ! You've hopefully nipped something in the bud, all the best with him and TTC

WTAF does this mean????? the colour of her panties - eh?????

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 19:40

I did what I could in the conservatory. He stayed upstairs. I went up to tell him he should go and do the rest of the heavy lifting etc. and then go and stay with his mum so that's where we're at now. Told him that in my eyes lying about going to meet another woman in secret and even going as far as to make up a fake story about it for weeks before hand IS cheating

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 13/12/2020 19:41

"Dear Gwenhwyfar, when a thread is 24 pages long it is worth considering that it MIGHT HAVE MOVED ON SINCE PAGE 1."

I'm still allowed to ask a question.

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 19:45

@gwenhwyfar my DH made up a story about a group meal and a secret santa so that he could go on a secret meal with another woman. He has then continued to drop little bits of the truth and promise there were no more lies for the last two days.

OP posts:
alvinp · 13/12/2020 19:45

Hi OP, I was one of the commenters early on saying it was probably innocent. Just wanted to let you know that my position has completely changed given subsequent admissions from him. You were right to worry. I am so sorry.

Also... I work in IT. The story about emails needing to be saved is utter rubbish. If his company is on Teams they will also be using Office 365 for email. At a simple level you could just ask him to put the young lady's name into the search bar in Outlook, but change the right hand drop-down from "Current Folder" to "All Outlook Items". It won't find deleted emails but it will find anything he has missed, or archived, or hidden including calendar entries.

If you go into the Deleted Items mailbox you should also see "Recover items recently removed from this folder" which should at least make him very nervous.

Obviously this is something you need to talk him through doing. If he has nothing to hide he will I am sure be happy to do this. Otherwise, you have your answer.

I am so sorry. This is awful for you.

alvinp · 13/12/2020 19:47

PS you need to get him to do this in Outlook on his laptop, not the mobile phone version.

BigBaublesGalore · 13/12/2020 19:54

You're being very strong op, you are doing the right thing 🌺

Onthedunes · 13/12/2020 19:58

@pizzaandcats

I did what I could in the conservatory. He stayed upstairs. I went up to tell him he should go and do the rest of the heavy lifting etc. and then go and stay with his mum so that's where we're at now. Told him that in my eyes lying about going to meet another woman in secret and even going as far as to make up a fake story about it for weeks before hand IS cheating
So what was his response ?
Onadifferentuniverse · 13/12/2020 20:00

You’re being super strong op.
It’s something to be proud of.

It’s so easy to be manipulated in these situations and you’re (rightly so) not falling for it.

Is it worth asking this women for her side of events?

MrsGrindah · 13/12/2020 20:21

Is it worth asking this women for her side of events?

God no don’t do that!

MrsMarrio · 13/12/2020 20:27

He's been a bit of silly sausage hasn't he?
Whether or not you've been cheated on in the past his behaviour is unacceptable. Lying in a relationship is unacceptable. I agree with others that the diary is personal, the necklace is hideous but if she likes sunflowers then it's personal plus chocolates too. And I'd be a bit fuming if DH had spent roughly £25 on a work colleague 'secret Santa' type gift, male or female. Secret Santa is usually just tat. Then to arrange a meal with just her which having a Christmas meal with colleagues is fine but to use a cover story 'because he knows how you would have felt about it' is awful. If he knows you wouldn't have been comfortable with it then the thing to do about it was to NOT do it, not lie about it and go ahead with it. I know there is going to be all those people getting their feathers ruffled about telling partners who they can or can't be friends with blah blah blah, but at the end of the day you're his wife and he shouldn't have done this is especially when he gets his magic ball out and 'knew' how you would feel.

weightedpunch · 13/12/2020 20:40

Oh OP, I posted quite a few pages ago saying he would keep revealing more of the truth. From my experience (both from being lied to and being the liar), if you don't think you have the full story, you probably don't. You can just tell when someone reveals everything after lying, the guilt will drop and he won't have a filter anymore.

Just know you didn't bring any of this on yourself, it says nothing about you as a person and your self esteem may be low now but you are worth so much Flowers

Newwayofthinking · 13/12/2020 20:42

Sorry it has ended up this way Flowers such a complete dick

I would check his emails, mobile phone history etc

This is a EA, which may or may not have gone further, gut says not, but he is pretty invested.

He knows how it looks or he would have just said " oh I'm having lunch with Sally from the office"

Rose87777 · 13/12/2020 20:42

Good! Glad he’s gone to stay with his mum! 99.9% of married/partnered woman will tell him that his behaviour is atrocious so hoping his mum asks for the full story!

Ughhhhhh I so know exactly how you feel right now, it is frogging horrible!!!

Ginmonkey84 · 13/12/2020 20:43

The fact that he has purposefully tried to cover up what he was doing with this female co-worker is an absolute deal breaker for me. If there was nothing untoward going on even in his own head he wouldn’t have lied so much. The gift was also too personal. Instincts are very rarely wrong and I’m so sorry he has done this to you. Your doing the right thing to have some space for now. Sending hugs x

HMSBeagle · 13/12/2020 20:54

If your guy toldyouthete wasmore to it, and he has proved there was via a string of lies, you have done the right thing.

Let him stew on this mess of his own making. Deleted emails seem to indicate there is more than a bit of flirty banter

purplerainox · 13/12/2020 21:27

If there's nothing going on then there is absolutely no reason for him to lie. He's lied because he, himself knows that what he has done is wrong but yet he's still gone and done it anyway. What an absolute prick!
You deserve better!

Uptide · 13/12/2020 21:41

Is it worth asking this women for her side of events?

I never understand why this kind of thing is suggested. Do you really think she would tell the truth if they are having an affair, or bordering on having an affair? I think it is bad advice, to suggest asking the other woman for her side of the story.

LilyLongJohn · 13/12/2020 21:42

He could have fucked her in a quiet part of town, who knows what he did.

MrsRockAndRoll · 13/12/2020 22:43

@purplerainox

If there's nothing going on then there is absolutely no reason for him to lie. He's lied because he, himself knows that what he has done is wrong but yet he's still gone and done it anyway. What an absolute prick! You deserve better!
This

Thanks for you

whistlesandbells · 13/12/2020 22:49

I get the impression he isn't terribly concerned by what has happened other than you telling people.

Hope you are ok OP. Thanks

Somethingkindaoooo · 13/12/2020 22:53

After all the drip feeding/lies/omissions he has finally told me today that he knew that I would feel worried about it and didn't tell me/downplayed because of that

Oh god.

Yes, of COURSE it's your fault he lied.

People lie for their own comfort. Or to protect the life of those they love from imminent danger.

I think his lie falls in the first category?

It doesn't matter if she has a boyfriend, or a husband or whatever. She could be completely uninterested. Doesn't mean he isn't trying to manoeuvre his way to spending more time with her- a nice little ego stroke.

Onthedunes · 13/12/2020 23:45

Hope your ok op Flowers

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 23:53

Tale as old as time...

I didn't do that

I can't believe you think I would do that, how can you accuse me of it?

Ok I did a bit of it but it's not what you think

Ok I did another bit of it too but you've got it all wrong

Ok fine I did it but this why I couldn't tell you I knew you'd react like this

FINE, I did it, happy now?!

Classic, garden variety wanker gaslighting a partner and drip drip dripping the least they can get away with admitting.